“Yoga is too slow.” — Rob Gronkowski
“My daughter just lost her first tooth, which is a very sweet moment for a dad. In retrospect, I do regret punching her so hard in the face.”
- Alan Cox.
"Don’t stay in bed unless you make money in bed." ~ George Burns
“Nutrition labels should include a “What if I ate the whole thing” section.”
― Unknown
“The road to success is always under construction.”
"If you run 100 miles a week, you can eat anything you want. Why? Because (a) you'll burn all the calories you consume, (b) you deserve it, and (c) you'll be injured soon and back on a restricted diet anyway."
Don Kardong
"You know it’s time for a vacation when you start looking like the person on your driving license…"
"I'm happier than a seagull with a french fry"
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
“You know you’re a gardener when you’re happy to devote three months of your life growing tomatoes to save $1.27.”
— Anonymous
“I thought about losing weight once, but I don’t like losing.”
― Unknown
"The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet." – Bill Cosby
"Summer does mean no school for my children. Hey, who doesn’t deserve a three-month break after a rigorous year of kindergarten?"
– Jim Gaffigan
“No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.”
- Kin Hubbard.
“If you need me, I’ll be inside until April.”
“I don’t deserve a Songwriters Hall of Fame Award. But fifteen years ago, I had a brain operation and I didn’t deserve that, either. So I’ll keep it.”
Don Kardong.
"I’m getting tired of waking up and not being at the beach."
Claude Pepper
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
“Running: Cheaper than therapy.”
-seen on runner’s T-shirt
"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." — Unknown
[on filing for tax returns] "This is too difficult for a mathematician. It takes a philosopher."
- Albert Einstein
“You can always tell about somebody by the way they put their hands on an animal.”
- Betty White.
"There are many challenges to long distance running, but one of the greatest is the question of where to put one’s house keys."
Gabrielle Zevin
“I don’t like Sunday nights because you have to wake up to a Monday morning.”
“The only exercise I’ve done this month is running out of money"
“I married beneath me, all women do.”
—Nancy Astor
“I’m just a Sagittarius, and we’re kind of spontaneous.
So let’s head out to Vegas and find an Elvis to marry us.”
— Andy Grammer, “Blame It on the Stars”
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."
“Mondays are mundane, like Tuesdays minus 24 hours.”
— Jarod Kintz
"Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood."
— Bill Murray
"Family: A social unit where the father is concerned with parking space, the children with outer space, and the mother with closet space." - Evan Esar
"The art of taxation consists in so plucking the goose as to obtain the largest amount of feathers with the least amount of hissing."
- Jean-Baptiste Colbert
"Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out." - Phyllis Diller
“Demanding something from a Scorpio is a sure way to not have it happen.”
"If you text 'I love you' to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don't love you back."
- Chelsea Peretti
“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” — Raymond Hull
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
– Charles Schulz
"Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors... and miss."
- Robert A. Heinlein
"No doubt a brain and some shoes are essential for marathon success. Although if it comes down to a choice, pick the shoes. More people finish marathons with no brains than with no shoes."
Don Kardong
“An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”—Agatha Christie.
“Anytime you see a turtle up on top of a fence post, you know he had some help."
- Alex Haley
“Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.” —Stephen Leacock
"When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own." — Lenore Coffee
"Listen, smile, agree, and then do whatever you were gonna do anyway."
― Robert Downey Jr.
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
Housework is for people who don’t know how to garden.”
— Anonymous
“A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don’t have a J.O.B.” – Fats Domino
“I used to believe my father about everything, but then I had children myself and now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.”
- Brian Andreas.
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back"- Franklin P. Jones
“Mix a little foolishness with your serious plans. It is lovely to be silly at the right moment.”
- Horace