"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain
“A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.” - Jerry Seinfeld
"I'd like to connect with nature but there's no USB port" - Dan Masso
"Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else."
― Margaret Mead
“A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.”
Winston Churchill
“The more you’re loving and understanding, the more your kids will sing.”
- Maxime Lagacé
“I’m not for everyone. I’m barely for me.”
Marc Maron
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later, you're hungry again."
— George Miller
“Our perfect companions never have fewer than four feet.”
- Colette.
"If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland." – Dave Barry
"Parents don’t really go on holidays. They just look after their kids in a different country for a while."
“I’m a typical Capricorn. I’m hardworking, loyal, sometimes stubborn, and I don’t believe in astrology.”
— Jonah Peretti
“You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.” —Jay Leno
“I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Noel Coward
“Sign for a beginner’s yoga class: Enquire Within.” – Unknown
"If Cinderella’s shoe fit perfectly, then why did it fall off?"
“The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.”
– Dave Barry
“It’s Thanksgiving, and we should not want to be together, together!” —Rachel Green, Friends
“You are as helpful as a blister on a hike.”
“The light made the snowballs look yellow. Or at least I hoped that was the cause.” — Gary D. Schmidt
"A good run is like a cup of coffee. I'm much nicer after I've had one."
Unknown
“Beat the 5 o’clock rush, leave work at noon.” — Anonymous
“Nothing burns like the cold.” — George R.R. Martin
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile. -- Billy Sunday
"Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of." – Bruce Lansky
"Never eat more than you can lift"- Miss Piggy.
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"I tried every diet in the book. I tried some that weren't in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets."- Dolly Parton
"America is a land of taxation that was founded to avoid taxation."
- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
“I thought about losing weight once, but I don’t like losing.”
― Unknown
“Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty.”
- Julia Roberts.
“The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on weather forecasters." ~Jean-Paul Kauffmann
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." — Francois de la Rochefoucauld
“When a fellow says it ain’t the money but the principle of the thing, it’s the money.” – Artemus Ward
"How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but it takes nine visits." - Author unknown
“It’s amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!” — Milton Berle
“Thank you, 2:30 in the morning, for always being the first sign that tomorrow’s gonna suck.”
Jimmy Fallon
“Children really can brighten up a house, because they never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
"I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity." - Edgar Allen Poe
“Self-love seems so often unrequited.”
– Anthony Powell
"In some families, 'please' is described as the magic word. In our house, however, it was 'sorry.'" - Margaret Laurence
“Gardener’s recipe: one-part soil, two-parts water, three-parts wishful thinking.”
— Anonymous
“I think yoga should be for everyone, not just the folks who change their name to something Hindu.” — Tara Stiles
“I’m tired of hearing about money, money, money, money, money. I just want to play the game, drink Pepsi, wear Reebok.” — Shaquille O’Neal
"I'm happier than a seagull with a french fry"
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”—Henny Youngman
All the men in my family are bald, and all the women are hunchbacked – and they don’t know we’re bald.
Mark Roberts
"I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage." -Erma Bombeck
"I will never break up with my gym. We just seem to workout."
- Unknown.
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
– Steven Wright
“This crisp winter air is full of it.” – John Burroughs
“My job is fun! I should change this line once in a while. My brain has started to realize that I am lying to it every morning."
~ Anonymous