"You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive."
"We must have a pie. Stress cannot exist in the presence of a pie."
– David Mamet
"It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower, or vacuum cleaner." – Ben Bergor
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain
“I heard about a trend where, this Thanksgiving, people made tiny turkeys. You may know them by their other name: chicken!” — Jerry Seinfeld
“October: This is one of the particularly dangerous months to invest in stocks. Other dangerous months are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February.” Mark Twain
“The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.”
- Ambrose Bierce.
“What brothers say to tease their sisters has nothing to do with what they really think of them.”—Esther Friesner
“The trouble with the IRS is that 90% of its members give the rest a bad name.”
“I don’t want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their job.”
Samuel Goldwyn
“As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.”
Sir Norman Wisdom
“May your coffee be strong and your Monday productive.”
"If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world."
– J.R.R. Tolkien
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”
- Ernest Hemingway.
“It is a grave error to assume that ice cream consumption requires hot weather.”
- Anne Fadiman
“A party without a cake is really just a meeting.”
― Julia Child
“The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it.”
— Dudley Moore
"Jogging is very beneficial. It's good for your legs and your feet. It's also very good for the ground. It makes it feel needed."
Charles Schulz
"Family: A social unit where the father is concerned with parking space, the children with outer space, and the mother with closet space." - Evan Esar
“Progress isn’t made by early risers. It’s made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something."
— Robert Heinlein
"Take the admission to the gym to avoid the admission to the hospital."
- Amit Kalantri
"Day in and day out, your tax accountant can make or lose more money than any single person in your life with the possible exception of your kids."
― Harvey Mackay
“No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.” – @simoncholland
"Thirty ways to shape up for summer. Number one: eat less. Number two: exercise more. Number three: what was I talking about again? I’m so hungry"
– Maria Bamford
“That’s not how Aquarians operate. They don’t do things steadily, they are running about one day then comatose the next.”
— Mary English
“What is the only flaw of being intelligent?…that you have to deal with stupid people.”
Anonymous
"Don't make love by the garden gate - love is blind, but the neighbours ain't." - Anonymous
" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." — Henny Youngman
“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.”
“The most delightful advantage of being bald—one can hear snowflakes.”
– R. G. Daniels
"Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?" —George Carlin
“In spring we are on Earth; in summer we are on Earth; in autumn we are on Earth, but in winter we are in another planet; winter is another planet!” — Mehmet Murat ildan
Summer is like the ultimate one-night stand...hot as hell, totally thrilling, and gone before you know it.
“A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.”
Winston Churchill
“The mud will wash off but the memories will last a lifetime.”
Gary Delaney
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
“I was like, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' And I realized... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” — Margaret Cho
"The bravest thing that men do is love women." — Mort Sahl
“During summer vacation, you get to do all your favorite things; cook hot dogs over a campfire (while being eaten alive by mosquitoes).”
– Bruce Lansky
“After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF.” — Anonymous
“A photographer gets people to pose for him. A yoga instructor gets people to pose for themselves.” — Terri Guillemets
“If Monday was a gift, I would happily return it to the person who gave it to me.”
“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.”
Zach Galifianakis
“The thing about parenting rules is there aren’t any. That’s what makes it so difficult.”
- Ewan McGregor.
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single.” – Billy Crystal
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?" — Jack Handy
Woddy Allen
Honolulu – it’s got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife’s mother.
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
"My mom used to say it doesn’t matter how many kids you have… because one kid will take up 100% of your time so more kids can’t possibly take up more than 100% of your time." - Karen Brown
"I prefer not to think before speaking. I like being as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth."
Anonymous