"Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing."
- Natasha Leggero
If I don’t make it to heaven, at least I know what hell feels like with this heat!”
― April Mae Monterrosa
“I am a friend of the workingman, and I would rather be his friend, than be one.” — Clarence Darrow.
“A baby changes your dinner party conversation from politics to poops.”
- Maurice Johnston.
“Leaders who don’t listen will eventually be surrounded by people who have nothing to say.” – Andy Stanley
"I bought an ant farm. I don't know where I am going to get a tractor that small!"
- Steven Wright
"Accountant after reading a nursery rhyme to his child: “No, son. It wouldn't be tax deductible when Little Bo Peep loses her sheep. But I like your thinking."
“I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.” -Jackie Mason“I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.” -Jackie Mason
"I crossed a time zone and I feel younger already. If I keep traveling west, I can become immortal."
- Jarod Kintz
“Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts.”
Lt. Frank Drebin (Leslie Nielsen)
“There is no such thing as bad weather, only different kinds of good weather.”
– John Ruskin
“There are more airplanes in the water than there are submarines in the sky.”
Anonymous
“Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you and scorn in the one ahead.”
— Mac McCleary
“Thanksgiving is a time to count your blessings, one by one, as each relative goes home.”—Melanie White
"I really don't think I need buns of steel. I'd be happy with buns of cinnamon."
— Ellen DeGeneres
“During summer vacation, you get to do all your favorite things; cook hot dogs over a campfire (while being eaten alive by mosquitoes).”
– Bruce Lansky
“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.” — Rodney Dangerfield
“An instructor once gave the following cue in yoga class: “Relax your pancreas.” I don’t even know where my pancreas is, never mind how to relax it! I giggled for the rest of the class.” – Mel Farrimond
"Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs."
- Fran Lebowitz
“On my income tax 1040 it says “Check this box if you are blind.” I wanted to put a check-mark about three inches away.”
– Tom Lehrer
"If anyone is Christmas shopping for me, I wear a size 7-day Caribbean cruise."
“If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman: she will be all ears.” - Sigmund Freud
"Children are a great comfort in your old age, and they help you reach it faster, too." – Lionel Kauffman
“The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.”
Bill Watterson
“In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.” —Helen Rowland
“As wonderful as dogs can be, they are famous for missing the point.”—Jean Ferris
“I don’t like when I'm all stress-free and peacefully relaxing on the couch and then, out of nowhere, Monday comes along and punches you right off the couch!”
“Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty.”
- Julia Roberts.
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
“If you’re going through hell, keep going.”
— Winston Churchill
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
“Yes officer I did see the speed limit sign, I just didn’t see you.”
“Friends give you a shoulder to cry on. But best friends are ready with a shovel to hurt the person that made you cry.”
— Unknown
“Happy Thanksgiving! This year I’m thankful that your family is so annoying you’re checking Twitter instead of talking to them.” — Stephen Colbert
“Animals may be our friends, but they won’t pick you up at the airport."
- Bobcat Goldthwait
“If you’re searching for that one person that will change your life, take a look in the mirror.”
“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
Greg Tamblyn
"I love those days when my only decision is whether to go to the beach in the morning or in the afternoon."
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
It's almost Summer! Time to find out what my friends with swimming pools have been up to since last summer...
“If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Someone needs to tell the turkey, ‘Man, just be yourself.'” —Mitch Hedberg
"I never eat November’s snowflakes, I always wait until December.” – Lucy from television show Peanuts
“When in doubt, yoga it out.” – Unknown
“The average vacation is one-tenth playing—nine-tenths paying.”
–Arnold Glasow
"Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks."
- Bauvard
“I married beneath me, all women do.”
—Nancy Astor
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?” — J. Paul Getty
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
~ Drew Carey
“You know the trouble with real life? There’s no danger music.”
Jim Carrey
“Pride, commitment and teamwork are words they use to get you to work for free.” – Anonymous