"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain
“Fan the sinking flame of hilarity with the wing of friendship; and pass the rosy wine.”
— Charles Dickens
"Airplane travel is nature's way of making you look like your passport photo."
- Al Gore
"Some children threaten to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going." – Phyllis Diller
“Thank you, the day after Thanksgiving, or as the makers of sweatpants call it, 'the busy season.'" — Jimmy Fallon
"If love is the answer, could you please re-phrase the question?"
- Lily Tomlin
“Money is the opposite of the weather. Nobody talks about it, but everybody does something about it.” – Rebecca Johnson
"I’m too busy working on my own grass to notice if yours is greener."
How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn't make it a leg.
Abraham Lincoln
“Someone asked me why women don’t gamble as much as men do, and I gave the commonsensical reply that we don’t have as much money. That was a true and incomplete answer. In fact, women’s total instinct for gambling is satisfied by marriage.” – Gloria Steinem
“Dear winter, I’m breaking up with you. I think it’s time I start seeing other seasons. Summer is hotter than you.”
“The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What’s the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you’d get a pulse.” — Dennis Miller
“I don’t have a lot of friends but I have the best friends because I choose quality over quantity.”
— Unknown
“I have noticed that even people who claim everything is predetermined and that we can do nothing to change it look before they cross the road.”
Stephen Hawking
They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
Clint Eastwood
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"
"Resting is a part of the process, even if it’s not a part of the plan."
— Carley Schweet
“If I was elected president, the first thing I would do would be to eliminate all Mondays and lengthen the weekend one more day.”
"One man alone can be pretty dumb sometimes, but for real bona fide stupidity, nothin' can beat teamwork."
- Edward Abbey
"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown
“A baseball game is twice as much fun if you’re seeing it on the company’s time.” — William C. Feather
“Work is a necessity for man. Man invented the alarm clock."
~ Pablo Picasso
Step one to running a marathon: You run. There is no step two.
-Barney Stinson (How I Met Your Mother)
“Yoga is almost like music in a way; there’s no end to it.” — Sting
I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress. -- Ronald Reagan
“I believe it’s a cook’s moral obligation to add more butter given the chance.”
― Michael Ruhlman
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen
“A well-trained dog will make no attempt to share your lunch. He will just make you feel so guilty that you cannot enjoy it.”—Helen Thomson
“My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.”
Tina Fey
“Money doesn’t solve all problems but it could solve my money problem.” – Anonymous
“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.”
W. C. Fields
"There should be sympathy cards for having to go back to work after vacation."
“Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” —Paula Poundstone
"There are two ways of waking up in the morning. One is to say, 'Good morning, God,' and the other is to say, 'Good God, morning'!"
– Fulton J. Sheen.
“I love airports because the rules of society don’t apply. Eat a pizza and have a glass of wine at 7 am while in track pants. Nobody cares.”
Unknown
“I don’t get it. The trail looked so flat on the map.”
"Being on vacation with my family has brought me so much closer to my iPad."
“I would have made a terrible parent. The first time my child didn’t do what I wanted, I’d kill him.”
- Katherine Hepburn.
“Sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.”
— Harvey Specter
"Then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn't a person. "Excuse me, sir, why haven't you paid your taxes." "Well, as you can clearly see, I am not a person." "Well, you look like a person." "No it's all done with mirrors, trust me!"
- Lewis Black
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.” – Thomas Edison
"Summer does mean no school for my children. Hey, who doesn’t deserve a three-month break after a rigorous year of kindergarten?"
– Jim Gaffigan
“Never let your friends be lonely…. Disturb them all the time.”
— Unknown
“Don't be so humble – you are not that great.”
Golda Meir
"I prefer not to think before speaking. I like being as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth."
Anonymous
“Never break a promise to an animal. They're like babies—they won't understand.”
― Tamora Pierc
“Nurse: handing me a newborn You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese” – @mommy_cusses
“Getting paid to sleep… that’s my dream job.” –Unknown