"If your doctor's last name is Google, it's time to get a second opinion…" - Toni Bernhard, J.D.
“If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.”
George Burns
“Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.”
- Jerry Seinfeld
"A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill except for learning how to grow in rows."
- Doug Larson
"As a child, my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it."
— Buddy Hackett
“Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.”
- Ed Asner.
"Staying in bed all day is my way of saving money." ~ Anonymous
"A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand."
— Barbara Johnson
"Day in and day out, your tax accountant can make or lose more money than any single person in your life with the possible exception of your kids."
― Harvey Mackay
“I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War, my great uncle fought for the west!”
Rodney Dangerfield
The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but the fly comes close. -- Mark Twain
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
“Money can’t buy happiness. But it can buy plants, and that’s the same thing.”
— Anonymous
“I owe much; I have nothing; the rest I leave to the poor.” - Francois Rebelais
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
“Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.”—Joyce Brothers
“In fifty years, he never worked a day. To him, nine to five was odds on a horse."
~ Archie Bunker
“If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?"
– Steven Wright
"They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it." ~ Joseph Addison
"In childhood, we yearn to be grown-ups. In old age, we yearn to be kids. It just seems that all would be wonderful if we didn’t have to celebrate our birthdays in chronological order." - Robert Brault
"If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough."
― Phyllis Diller
“Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you and scorn in the one ahead.”
— Mac McCleary
“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker
“I think a dysfunctional family is any family with more than one person in it.”
- Mary Karr
“I work for myself, which is fun. Except when I call in sick, I know I’m lying. – Rita Rudner
“Dear Monday, I want to break up. I’m seeing Tuesday and dreaming about Friday. Sincerely, it’s not me, it’s you.”
"I don't believe in jogging. It extending your life, but by about the same amount of time you spend jogging."
Marshall Brickman
“I'm not napping this is savasana.”
- Berndt Vogel
“We interrupt your happiness to bring you Mondays. Don’t worry, you’re regularly scheduled happiness will resume again on Friday.”
“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.”—Anonymous
“Good Morning! Open your mouth wide! I’ll just keep going and put that coffee right in there!”
– Unknown
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.”
Thomas A. Edison
“Don’t be a jogger, they’re the one’s who find dead bodies.” – Amanda Brooks
“Until you’ve learned to drive, you’ve never really learned how to swear.”
— Robert Paul
"There is no income tax in Russia. But there's no income."
— Will Rogers
“The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you are not in shape for it, its too far to walk back.”
Andy Rooney
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
“Best Friend: One million memories, ten thousand inside jokes, one hundred shared secrets.”
— Unknown
“I’m totally ‘that dad’ who leaves a note in my son’s lunch box. One day I’ll actually start putting food in there also.”
- Steve Ryan.
“There is no such thing as bad weather, only different kinds of good weather.”
– John Ruskin
“I probably wouldn’t kill so many houseplants if they could scream for food and water the way my pets and children do.”
— Anonymous
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”—George Burns
"I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage." -Erma Bombeck
“Business is the art of extracting money from another man’s pocket without resorting to violence." ~Max Amsterdam
"I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number ou get in a diamond"- Mae West
"Is taco yoga a thing yet? Someone get on that."
- Chisty Lowe
"Start slow, then taper off."
Walt Stack
"I love you in a way that's nauseating to others."
- Unknown
“It’s a funny feeling to work with people who you consider your colleagues and to realize that they actually are young enough to be your children."
~ Alan Alda
“If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.” — Sam Levenson