“Good weather all week, but come the weekend, and the weather stinks. When the weather is too hot, they complain; too cold, they complain; and when it’s just right, they’re watching TV.”
— Rita Rudner
“How is it possible to have a civil war?”
George Carlin
“Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in school.”
Albert Einstein
“The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.”
Bill Watterson
"Taurus won't forget it. Taurus doesn't forget anything."
— Linda Goodman
“You define a good flight by negatives: you didn’t get hijacked, you didn’t crash, you didn’t throw up, you weren’t late, you weren’t nauseated by the food. So you are grateful.”
– Paul Theroux
"Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one." – Fran Lebowitz
"Yoga is a way of getting totally drunk – not on alcohol but on life."
- Sadhguru
"If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym?"
- Dave Attell
"I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food."
— W.C. Fields
“Never face facts; if you do you’ll never get up in the morning.”
— Marlo Thomas
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
"Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses."
- Thomas Dewar
“A dollar picked up in the road is more satisfaction to us than the 99 which we had to work for, and the money won at Faro or in the stock market snuggles into our hearts in the same way. ~Mark Twain
“I go running when I have to. Like when the ice cream truck is doing sixty.” – Wendy Liebman
“Family ties mean that no matter how much you might want to run from your family, you can’t.”—Unknown
“Friendship is not a big thing, it’s a million little things.”
— Unknown
"Listen, smile, agree, and then do whatever you were gonna do anyway."
― Robert Downey Jr.
"Humor keeps us alive. Humor and food. Don't forget food. You can go a week without laughing."
— Joss Whedon
"Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax increases 'revenue enhancement'. Not so. No one was fooled."
— Dan Quayle
"You call it a pandemonium. We call it a family vacation."
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt."
— Charles M. Shulz
“Nascar would be so much more entertaining if they threw banana peels and turtle shells.”
“What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money." ~ Henny Youngman
"I can sympathize with people's pains but not with their pleasures. There is something curiously boring about somebody else's happiness." - Aldous Huxley
"Love is blind; friendship tries not to notice."
— Otto von Bismarck
“I remember when yoga was called Twister.” – Unknown
“The archer will walk up to you, give you a hearty slap on the back and a wide, friendly grin. Then he’ll greet you with a remark like, ‘How the heck do you manage to look so young when you’re as old as you are?'”
— Linda Goodman
"The word aerobics came about when the gym instructors got together and said, 'If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it jumping up and down'" - Rita Rudner
"I love you in a way that's nauseating to others."
- Unknown
"I am not the type who wants to go back to the land; I am the type who wants to go back to the hotel."
- Fran Lebowitz
“The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.”
Anonymous
“Good humor is a tonic for mind and body. It is the best antidote for anxiety and depression. It is a business asset. It attracts and keep friends. It lightens human burdens. It is the direct route to serenity and contentment.”
Greenville Kleisser
“Money is like manure. You have to spread it around or it smells." ~J. Paul Getty
"I’m so old that my blood type is discontinued." - Bill Dane
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell
"My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one."
“Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.”
— Albert Einstein
“Every pizza is a personal pizza if you try hard and believe in yourself.”
― Bill Murray
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”
Erma Bombeck
"This is by far your worst idea ever…I’ll be there in 15 minutes."
— Unknown
“Good morning is a contradiction of terms.”
— Jim Davis
“Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now I have six children and no theories.”—John Wilmot
“My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.”
Tina Fey
"I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying."
- Oscar Wilde
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
“I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.”
Mitch Hedberg
“In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” - Rita Rudner
"The easiest time to fall asleep is just after turning off the alarm clock."
– Unknown
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”—Erma Bombeck