“No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.”
- Kin Hubbard.
“Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow.” – Carl Fox (Martin Sheen)Wall Street
“Unless you are a pizza, the answer is yes, I can live without you.”
― Bill Murray
“Education cost money. But then again so does ignorance.” – Sir Claus Moser
"Time wounds all heels."
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda
“The reward for good work is more work.” – Francesca Elisia
“If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.”
Ace Ventura (Jim Carrey)
"I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job." – Roseanne Barr
“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” - Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'
"My own prescription for health is less paperwork and more running barefoot through the grass." - Leslie Grimutter
"There is no WiFi in the forest but you will find a better connection."
"For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end." — Catherine Zeta-Jones
“My biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the walking that I’d have to do.”
"Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician." - Anonymous
As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
"It's a hill. Get over it."
From a runner's T-shirt
"Everybody makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when no one is looking."
~ Anonymous
“The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.”
Bill Watterson
“I’m not aging, I just need repotting.”
— Anonymous
“No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I’m not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.”
- Bill Cosby.
“Love means never having to say “Should we get dessert?”
― Unknown
“Never break a promise to an animal. They're like babies—they won't understand.”
― Tamora Pierc
"If you don’t drink, smoke, or drive a car, you’re a tax evader."
– Thomas S Foley
"We pay our gym membership for the permission to exercise in the gym, not for the owner(s) of the gym to exercise for us."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana.
“A hen is just an egg’s way of making another egg.”
- Weird Science.
"I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mum stay married for 33 years?’ And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.'"
- Gwyneth Paltrow
"If the poor overweight jogger only knew how far he had to run to work off the calories in a crust of bread he might find it better in terms of pound per mile to go to a massage parlor."
- Christiaan Barnard
“Friendship is not a big thing, it’s a million little things.”
— Unknown
All men are afraid of eyelash curlers; I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
Rita Rudner
"I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."
“I am having an out of money experience." ~Author Unknown
"Resting is a part of the process, even if it’s not a part of the plan."
— Carley Schweet
“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” - Henry Youngman
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
“Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats.”
"Don’t worry about what other people think. They don’t do it very often."
Anonymous
“To be clever enough to get a great deal of money, one must be stupid enough to want it.”
- George Bernard Shaw
"I love you in a way that's nauseating to others."
- Unknown
"I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity." - Edgar Allen Poe
“If you don’t like how I drive, get off the sidewalk.”
“But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.”
- Carl Sagan
Steve Martin
The last woman I was in was the Statue of Liberty.
“I do an hour’s yoga and go running everyday. Then I see a picture of myself and I still look like a skinny, pot bellied idiot — and I thought I had turned into this superhunk!” — Chris Martin
“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.”
- Dorothy Parker.
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.” – Thomas Edison
"Taking a dog named Shark to the beach is a bad idea"
"An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt."
- Fred Allen
“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” - Jane Austen, 'Pride and Prejudice'
“Laughter rises out of tragedy, when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.”
Erma Bombeck