“If I could be half the person my dog is, I’d be twice the human I am.”—Charles Yu
"Better to keep silent and let people think you are a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt."
- Abraham Lincoln
"I’m so hot that I contribute to global warming."
“Friends come and go, like the waves of the ocean, but the true ones stay, like an octopus on your face.”
— Unknown
“After scolding one’s cat one looks into its face and is seized by the ugly suspicion that it understood every word. And has filed it for reference.”
- Charlotte Gray.
“This crisp winter air is full of it.” – John Burroughs
“I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I’m around.” — Homer Simpson
“My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.”
Tina Fey
"I don't tan. I burn"
“I don’t like to commit myself about heaven and hell — you see, I have friends in both places."
— Mark Twain
"What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?"
- George Carlin
Don’t be distracted by criticism. Remember, the only taste of success some people get is to take a bite out of you.” – Zig Ziglar
Did anybody ever consider that cannibalism would resolve both overpopulation – and world hunger?
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan."
- Leopold Fechner.
“Progress isn’t made by early risers. It’s made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something."
— Robert Heinlein
“Good weather all week, but come the weekend, and the weather stinks. When the weather is too hot, they complain; too cold, they complain; and when it’s just right, they’re watching TV.”
— Rita Rudner
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
“Why do they call it ‘beauty sleep’ when you wake up looking like a troll.”
– Unknown
"Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge"- Don Kardong
“A photographer gets people to pose for him. A yoga instructor gets people to pose for themselves.” — Terri Guillemets
“If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.”
- Mark Twain.
"Popcorn for breakfast! Why not? It’s a grain. It’s like, like, grits, but with high self-esteem."
– James Patterson
"If God invented marathons to keep people from doing anything more stupid, the triathlon must have taken him completely by surprise."
P.Z. Pearce
“Family ties mean that no matter how much you might want to run from your family, you can’t.”—Unknown
"Everybody makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when no one is looking."
~ Anonymous
“You are one yoga class away from a good mood.” – Unknown
“Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.”
– Samuel Butler
"A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday."
— Erma Bombeck
“Parenting is a constant battle between going to bed to catch up on some sleep or staying awake to finally get some alone time.” — Anonymous
“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.” — Cher
“To hike is to complain.” – Dean Johnston
“Time is an illusion. Lunchtime is doubly so.” – Douglas Adams
“Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants.” —Kevin James
"I’m so old that my blood type is discontinued." - Bill Dane
“Good humor is a tonic for mind and body. It is the best antidote for anxiety and depression. It is a business asset. It attracts and keep friends. It lightens human burdens. It is the direct route to serenity and contentment.”
Greenville Kleisser
“If you can walk away from a landing, it’s a good landing. If you can use the aircraft the next day, it’s an outstanding landing.”
- Chuck Yeager
"Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors... and miss."
- Robert A. Heinlein
“Cancers are Moonchildren; totally influenced by the waxing and waning cycles of the Moon. Asking them to remain in one feeling, one mood, or one state of mind is pure insanity.”
— Sherene Schostak
“Oh yes I will work out today. I will work out a way to avoid running for a stupid cause.”
Stanley from The Office
“Arguing with a fool proves there are two.”
– Doris M. Smith
“I don’t like when I'm all stress-free and peacefully relaxing on the couch and then, out of nowhere, Monday comes along and punches you right off the couch!”
In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
Rita Rudner
"Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including yourself."
— Anne Lamott
“The best way you hurt rich people is by turning them into poor people” – Billy Ray Valentine (Eddie Murphy) Trading Places
“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.”
"Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined." - Samuel Goldwyn
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.”—Kathy Mohnke
"The years between 50 and 70 are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down." - T.S. Elliot
"Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read." – George Burns
“Summer vacation: where you drink triple, see double and act single.”