"The devil himself had probably redesigned hell in the light of information he had gained from observing airport layouts."
- Anthony Price
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
“Deep summer is when laziness finds respectability.”
– Sam Keen
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”
- A. A. Milne
"Wise men speak because they have something to say; fools because they have to say something."
- Plato
"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass." - Mac MacGuff in Juno
“Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.”
Oscar Wilde
"Most entrepreneurs would rather have root canal surgery without anesthesia than go through the nightmare that is tax return preparation."
— Nina Kaufman
“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller
“Nothing compares to the stomach ache you get from laughing with friends.”
— Unknown
“When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet.”-Nick Arnette
"Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out." - Phyllis Diller
It's almost Summer! Time to find out what my friends with swimming pools have been up to since last summer...
“Nurse: handing me a newborn You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese” – @mommy_cusses
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
“When you are stressed you eat ice cream, cake, chocolate and sweets because stressed spelled backward is desserts.”
― Unknown
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom.”
Bob Hope
“Good Morning! Open your mouth wide! I’ll just keep going and put that coffee right in there!”
– Unknown
“Turkey lurkey doo, and turkey lurkey dap. I eat that turkey, then I take a nap.” —Adam Sandler
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
"Everyone should believe in something. I believe I should be on the beach drinking Margaritas."
“I had to stop driving my car for a while… the tires got dizzy.”
— Stephen Wright
It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.
Andy Borowitz
"Stupidity has a knack of getting its way."
- Albert Camus
“Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.”
- Cary Grant.
“Gardener’s recipe: one-part soil, two-parts water, three-parts wishful thinking.”
— Anonymous
"I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol."- Steven Write
"Aries people pick up steam while everyone else is running out of gas."
— Joanna Martine Woolfolk
"I refuse to admit I’m more than fifty-two, even if that does make my sons illegitimate." - Nancy Astor
“I am the only person in the world I should like to know thoroughly.”
– Oscar Wilde
"The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened. - Mark Twain
"The only b.s I need is bikini and sandals"
“Today I bought a doughnut without sprinkles. This diet thing is hard.”
― Unknown
A good speech should be like a woman's skirt: long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest.
Winston Churchill
"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, “Did you sleep good?” I said, “No, I made a few mistakes.”
– Steven Wright
“The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.“
Mark Twain
"I can't wait to start blaming my normal lack of productivity on it being summer"
“Good morning world! Your little ray of sarcastic sunshine has arrived.”
– Unknown
"As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer." - Robert Quillen"
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
“A tourist is a fellow who drives thousands of miles so he can be photographed standing in front of his car.”
– Emile Ganest
"When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own." — Lenore Coffee
"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."
“I never forget a face—but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.”
Groucho Marx
“Happy Thanksgiving! This year I’m thankful that your family is so annoying you’re checking Twitter instead of talking to them.” — Stephen Colbert
“Parents must get across the idea that “I love you always, but sometimes I do not love your behavior.”—Amy Vanderbilt
“For those of you who cannot be with family this Thanksgiving, please resist the urge to brag.” —Andy Borowitz
“They say that there can never be two snowflakes that are exactly alike, but has anyone checked lately?”
– Terry Pratchett
"There should be sympathy cards for having to go back to work after vacation."
“I might look like I am listening to you, but in my mind, I am hiking.”