“Let a man walk ten miles steadily on a hot summer’s day along a dusty English road, and he will soon discover why beer was invented.”
- Gilbert K. Chesterton
"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook"- Julia Child
I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cab driver.
Zach Galifianakis
“Stretch marks are just rad lil’ lightning strikes here to remind you that you are a force of nature.”
“I don’t like when I'm all stress-free and peacefully relaxing on the couch and then, out of nowhere, Monday comes along and punches you right off the couch!”
“I think we’ll be friends forever because we’re too lazy to find new friends.”
— Unknown
"The word aerobics came about when the gym instructors got together and said, 'If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it jumping up and down'" - Rita Rudner
“It's easy to find out who is going to become a tax collector. In the nursery, give all the kids lemons. The one who squeezes it dry is going to work for the IRS.”
“Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.”
- Elbert Hubbard
"Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse."
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.” — Robert Frost
“You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there.”
Yogi Berra
“They say that there can never be two snowflakes that are exactly alike, but has anyone checked lately?”
– Terry Pratchett
"Ah, yes, divorce… A Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet." ~ Robin Williams
“Some people wake up drowsy. Some people wake up energized. I wake up dead.”
— James Marsden
“This crisp winter air is full of it.” – John Burroughs
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom.”
Bob Hope
“I had to stop driving my car for a while… the tires got dizzy.”
— Stephen Wright
"A tax is a fine for doing well, a fine is a tax for doing wrong."
— Mark Twain
"Taking a dog named Shark to the beach is a bad idea"
"When I tell my kids I'll do something in a minute, what I'm really saying is "Please forget." - @SarcasticMommy4
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."
"If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools."
- Katherine Mansfield
“Last Thanksgiving, I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shotgun going, blam! Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?” —Kenny Rogerson
"I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake."
— Lewis Black
“Jet lag is for amateurs.”
— Dick Clark
“My wife tells me that if I ever decide to leave, she is coming with me.”
- Jon Bon Jovi
"A good marriage is where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal." - Anonymous
“Monday: nothing a bit of shopping can’t fix.”
"My idea of camping is falling asleep on the couch with the window open."
- Clarke Kant
"Like gum to a shoe, you’re stuck with me and I’m stuck with you."
“Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.” – Charlie McCarthy
“Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.” – Jackie Mason
“There are much easier things in life than finding a good man. Nailing Jell-O to a tree, for instance.”
Anonymous
“Some of our greatest historical and artistic treasures we place with curators in museums; others we take for walks.”—Roger Caras
“If Monday was a gift, I would happily return it to the person who gave it to me.”
“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.” — Rodney Dangerfield
“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”
Abraham Lincoln
“All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.” — Mark Twain
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”—Henny Youngman
“So far as I know, anything worth hearing is not usually uttered at seven o’clock in the morning; and if it is, it will generally be repeated at a more reasonable hour for a larger and more wakeful audience.”
— Moss Hart
"I am the friend you have to explain to your other friends before they meet me."
— Unknown
"By 35, if I’m not engaged or already starting a family, I declare myself the aunt who’s always traveling & comes to family events tipsy."
"I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“It snowed last year too: I made a snowman and my brother knocked it down and I knocked my brother down and then we had tea.”
– Dylan Thomas
How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn't make it a leg.
Abraham Lincoln
“The worst thing about being a tourist is having other tourists recognize you as a tourist!”
– Russell Baker
"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."
~ Douglas Adams
"I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30."