“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.” - Phyllis Diller
"Show me a man who is a good loser and I’ll show you a man who is playing golf with his boss."
~ Jim Murray
“Unemployment is capitalism’s way of getting you to plant a garden."
~ Orson Scott Card
"Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature." —Donatella in Letters to Juliet
"A road trip is a way for the whole family to spend time together and annoy each other in interesting new places."
– Tom Lichtenheld
“Watching a dog try to chew a large piece of toffee is a pastime fit for gods. Mr. Fusspot’s mixed ancestry had given him a dexterity of jaw that was truly awesome. He somersaulted happily around the floor, making faces like a rubber gargoyle in a washing machine.”—Terry Pratchett
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.”
George Burns
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”
- Ernest Hemingway.
“If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter.” — John Gotti
“Deep summer is when laziness finds respectability.”
– Sam Keen
“How to get a yoga body: 1. Have a body 2. Do yoga.” – Unknown
“It's easy to find out who is going to become a tax collector. In the nursery, give all the kids lemons. The one who squeezes it dry is going to work for the IRS.”
"What a man needs in gardening is a cast-iron back, with a hinge in it."
- Charles Dudley Warner
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
"I hate mornings, they start so early."
— Janet Evanovich
“A snowball in the face is surely the perfect beginning to a lasting friendship.”
– Markus Zusak
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner
“Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern…like bad wallpaper.”
- Friedrich Nietzsche.
"Running makes me feel less like I want to kill people."
From a runner's T-shirt
"I crossed a time zone and I feel younger already. If I keep traveling west, I can become immortal."
- Jarod Kintz
"If you don't believe in ghosts, you've never been to a family reunion." - Ashleigh Brilliant
“How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?”
- Michael, ‘Three Men And A Baby.’
"Everything slows down with age, except the time it takes cake and ice cream to reach your hips." - John Wagner
“Every generation revolts against its fathers and makes friends with its grandfathers.”—Lewis Mumford
"A good run is like a cup of coffee. I'm much nicer after I've had one."
Unknown
"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
“Because the greatest part of a road trip isn’t arriving at your destination. It’s all the wild stuff that happens along the way.”
– Emma Chase
I don't believe in astrology. The only stars I can blame for my failures are those that walk about the stage.
― Noel Coward
"Wisdom doesn’t necessarily come with age. Sometimes, age just shows up all by itself." - Tom Wilson
“There is nothing safer than flying, it’s crashing that is dangerous.”
- Theo Cowan
“I have decided to cast my vote for any political candidate whose platform adds Monday to the weekend.”
“Never let an angry sister comb your hair.”
- Patricia McCann
"Money doesn’t change you. It reveals who you are when you no longer have to be nice." ~ Tim Ferriss
"Love may be the best driving wheel, but anger is a pretty good second."
– Steven Tyler
I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cab driver.
Zach Galifianakis
“Intaxication: That nice feeling you get when you receive a tax refund until you realize it was your own money in the first place.”
"I bought an ant farm. I don't know where I am going to get a tractor that small!"
- Steven Wright
"A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything done in the morning: We're government workers."
— Jay Leno
“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”
- Rodney Dangerfield
“Laughter rises out of tragedy, when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.”
Erma Bombeck
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.” Douglas Adams.
“You only live once… Lick the bowl!”
― Unknown
"Families are like fudge ... mostly sweet with a few nuts." - Unknown
"I feel like most of my work problems could be solved with a trip to…anywhere."
“Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow.” – Carl Fox (Martin Sheen)Wall Street
A good speech should be like a woman's skirt: long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest.
Winston Churchill
“I don’t like to commit myself about heaven and hell — you see, I have friends in both places."
— Mark Twain
“Old age is an excellent time for outrage. My goal is to say or do at least one outrageous thing every week.” - Maggie Kuhn
In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
Rita Rudner
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called everybody, and they meet at the bar.” – Drew Carey