"You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think."
- Dorothy Parker
“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben
“Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you and scorn in the one ahead.”
— Mac McCleary
"I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back." - Richard Lewis
"Life seems to fade our memory, so on this birthday I will forget yours if you forget mine!" - Kate Summers
“No man goes before his time—unless the boss leaves early.” — Groucho Marx
Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.
Betty White
“It’s just the most amazing thing to love a dog, isn’t it? It makes our relationships with people seem as boring as a bowl of oatmeal.”—John Grogan
“When going on a vacation, I wish I could load my wallet with money as much as I can overpack my luggage.”
“So. Monday. We meet again. We will never be friends—but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more-positive partnership.”
— Julio Alexi Genao
"The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has."
- Will Rogers
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
- Erma Bombeck
"I always thought a yard was three feet, then I started mowing the lawn."
- C.E. Cowman
“Finally, a Thanksgiving without a drunken uncle. Just me, my nieces and nephews and my bottle of Jack Daniels.” — Conan O’Brien
“Best Friend: One million memories, ten thousand inside jokes, one hundred shared secrets.”
— Unknown
"At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom."
— George Carlin
"I love you more than coffee but not always before coffee." - Unknown
“Love means never having to say “Should we get dessert?”
― Unknown
“If pessimism is despair, optimism is cowardice and stupidity. Is there any need to choose between them?”
- Francis Parker Yockey
"A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand."
— Barbara Johnson
“Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.”
– George Burns
“I’m getting used to wearing flip-flops everywhere. It’s a dangerous place to be. Next thing you know, I’m gonna show to a board meeting in sandals.”
"Nobody expects to trust his body much after the age of fifty." - Alexander Hamilton
"There's one good thing about snow, it makes your lawn look as nice as your neighbor's."
- Clyde Moore
"We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle."
- Winston Churchill
"Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up." - John Wagner
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and by then it was too late.
Max Kaufman
“What is your favorite day of the week, and why it is your favorite day of the week? Mine is Tuesday because that means Monday is gone.”
“Sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.”
— Harvey Specter
"If we shake out all of the crumbs from all of the keyboards in the world, we can end world hunger."
— Matthew Dolkart
“Good weather all week, but come the weekend, and the weather stinks. When the weather is too hot, they complain; too cold, they complain; and when it’s just right, they’re watching TV.”
— Rita Rudner
“How is it possible to have a civil war?”
George Carlin
“Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in school.”
Albert Einstein
“The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.”
Bill Watterson
"Taurus won't forget it. Taurus doesn't forget anything."
— Linda Goodman
“You define a good flight by negatives: you didn’t get hijacked, you didn’t crash, you didn’t throw up, you weren’t late, you weren’t nauseated by the food. So you are grateful.”
– Paul Theroux
"Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one." – Fran Lebowitz
"Yoga is a way of getting totally drunk – not on alcohol but on life."
- Sadhguru
"If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym?"
- Dave Attell
"I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food."
— W.C. Fields
“Never face facts; if you do you’ll never get up in the morning.”
— Marlo Thomas
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
"Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses."
- Thomas Dewar
“A dollar picked up in the road is more satisfaction to us than the 99 which we had to work for, and the money won at Faro or in the stock market snuggles into our hearts in the same way. ~Mark Twain
“I go running when I have to. Like when the ice cream truck is doing sixty.” – Wendy Liebman
“Family ties mean that no matter how much you might want to run from your family, you can’t.”—Unknown
“Friendship is not a big thing, it’s a million little things.”
— Unknown
"Listen, smile, agree, and then do whatever you were gonna do anyway."
― Robert Downey Jr.
"Humor keeps us alive. Humor and food. Don't forget food. You can go a week without laughing."
— Joss Whedon
"Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax increases 'revenue enhancement'. Not so. No one was fooled."
— Dan Quayle