“Smiling is mouth yoga.” — Thich Nhat Hanh
I don’t think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.
Frank Carson
“I bought a calming tea but the smell and taste is making me nervous.”
― Unknown
“I celebrated Thanksgiving the old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.” —Jon Stewart
"If hard work were such a wonderful thing, surely the rich would have kept it all to themselves." ~ Lane Kirkland
"There is no unhappiness like the misery of sighting land again after a cheerful, careless voyage."
- Mark Twain
“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.”
– Betty Reese
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
“Can he have this?” With first baby: “Is it organic and homemade?” After second baby: “He can have anything except narcotics and alcohol.” - Unknown
“Everyone wants me to be a morning person. I could be one, only if morning began after noon.”
— Tony Smite
"I'll have a double cappuccino, half-caf, non-fat milk, with enough foam to be aesthetically pleasing, but not so much that it would leave a mustache."
— Niles Crane
“Thank you, 2:30 in the morning, for always being the first sign that tomorrow’s gonna suck.”
Jimmy Fallon
"One man alone can be pretty dumb sometimes, but for real bona fide stupidity, nothin' can beat teamwork."
- Edward Abbey
"When the waitress asked if I wanted my pizza cut into four or eight slices, I said, 'Four. I don't think I can eat eight."
— Yogi Berra
“Being part of a family means smiling for photos.” –Harry Morgan
“An instructor once gave the following cue in yoga class: “Relax your pancreas.” I don’t even know where my pancreas is, never mind how to relax it! I giggled for the rest of the class.” – Mel Farrimond
"Stupidity has a knack of getting its way."
- Albert Camus
“If there is anyone to whom I owe money, I’m prepared to forget it if they are.” - Errol Flynn
“Sisters never quite forgive each other for what happened when they were five.”—Pam Brown
All men are afraid of eyelash curlers; I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
Rita Rudner
“Boy, those French. They have a different word for everything.”
– Steve Martin
“Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” — Rita Rudner
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
- Erma Bombeck
“Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge.”
Tom Waits
"A Taurus always appears to be calm and steady, even when they feel like punching you in the face."
— Unknown
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”
- Wayne H
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home." – Robert Orben
“If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it." ~Author Unknown
“Yoga. Because punching people is frowned upon.” — Anonymous
“Don't be so humble – you are not that great.”
Golda Meir
"Life is too short for self-hatred and celery sticks."
– Marilyn Wann
“We’ve all done this because we’re so mature. You see a cow on the side of the road, stick your head out the window and go, “Mooooo!” Like we expect the cow to think, “Hey, there’s another cow, driving that car! How can he afford that?”
- Garry Shandling.
"The cow is of the bovine ilk: One end is moo, the other, milk."
- Ogden Nash
“Every pizza is a personal pizza if you try hard and believe in yourself.”
― Bill Murray
“Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.”
— Albert Einstein
"Life seems to fade our memory, so on this birthday I will forget yours if you forget mine!" - Kate Summers
“Your typical six-year-old is a paradoxical little person.”
- Louise Bates Ames.
“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”
- Erma Bombeck.
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
Albert Einstein
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz
"I really don't think I need buns of steel. I'd be happy with buns of cinnamon."
— Ellen DeGeneres
"A bad day at sea is still better than a good day at work."
“Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” —Paula Poundstone
"As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two." - Sir Norman Wisdom
“Where are we? About halfway…to somewhere.”
Growth takes time. Be patient. And while you’re waiting, pull a weed.
— Emilie Barnes
“Excercise? I thought you said extra fries.”
"There are good ships
and wood ships
and ships that sail the sea.
But the best ships
are friendships
and may they always be."
"Running won't solve all your problems. But then again, neither will housework."
Unknown
"It is the dull man who is always sure and the sure man who is always dull."
— H.L. Mencken