“Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.” —Jeff Valdez
“I thought I’d become an actress, but then I realized I eat too much.”
― Chelsea Handler
“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” — Raymond Hull
“A messy house is a must—it separates your true friends from other friends. Real friends are there to visit you not your house!”
— Jennifer Wilson
“I never forget a face—but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.”
Groucho Marx
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died."
~ Erma Bombeck
Gardening is a matter of your enthusiasm holding up until your back gets used to it
— Author Unknown
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
“Do you think I’m crazy? You should see me with my best friend.”
— Unknown
“Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.”
Steve Martin
“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.” — Rodney Dangerfield
“The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.”—George Carlin
“Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you later.”
- Mary Bly.
“Coexistence: What the farmer does with the turkey—until Thanksgiving.” —Mike Connolly
"Jogging is very beneficial. It's good for your legs and your feet. It's also very good for the ground. It makes it feel needed."
Charles Schulz
"Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults."
– Mitch Hedberg
"Reaching under the couch for something is the closest I'll ever get to yoga."
- Grant Tucker
“Lisa, if you don’t like your job you don’t strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way."
~ Homer Simpson
"Going on a hike is like having your car break down but on purpose."
- John Lyon
“How do I like my eggs? In a cake.”
― Unknown
"A tax is a fine for doing well, a fine is a tax for doing wrong."
— Mark Twain
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”—Buddy Hackett
“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” —Anne Bancroft
"A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken."
- James Dent
"Act like a horse. Be dumb. Just run."
Jumbo Elliot
"A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill except for learning how to grow in rows."
- Doug Larson
“She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.”- St Elmo's Fire
"Love is sharing your popcorn."
- Charles Schultz.
"Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your retirement home."- Phyllis Diller
“Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes.”
– Joyce Armor.
"You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think."
- Dorothy Parker
“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben
“Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you and scorn in the one ahead.”
— Mac McCleary
"I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back." - Richard Lewis
"Life seems to fade our memory, so on this birthday I will forget yours if you forget mine!" - Kate Summers
“No man goes before his time—unless the boss leaves early.” — Groucho Marx
Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.
Betty White
“It’s just the most amazing thing to love a dog, isn’t it? It makes our relationships with people seem as boring as a bowl of oatmeal.”—John Grogan
“When going on a vacation, I wish I could load my wallet with money as much as I can overpack my luggage.”
“So. Monday. We meet again. We will never be friends—but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more-positive partnership.”
— Julio Alexi Genao
"The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has."
- Will Rogers
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
- Erma Bombeck
"I always thought a yard was three feet, then I started mowing the lawn."
- C.E. Cowman
“Finally, a Thanksgiving without a drunken uncle. Just me, my nieces and nephews and my bottle of Jack Daniels.” — Conan O’Brien
“Best Friend: One million memories, ten thousand inside jokes, one hundred shared secrets.”
— Unknown
"At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom."
— George Carlin
"I love you more than coffee but not always before coffee." - Unknown
“Love means never having to say “Should we get dessert?”
― Unknown
“If pessimism is despair, optimism is cowardice and stupidity. Is there any need to choose between them?”
- Francis Parker Yockey
"A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand."
— Barbara Johnson