Christianity is the strangest religion ever set up, for it committed a murder upon Jesus in order to redeem mankind from the sin of eating an apple. -- Thomas Paine
"If you run 100 miles a week, you can eat anything you want. Why? Because (a) you'll burn all the calories you consume, (b) you deserve it, and (c) you'll be injured soon and back on a restricted diet anyway."
Don Kardong
Growth takes time. Be patient. And while you’re waiting, pull a weed.
— Emilie Barnes
“Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.” - Steven Wright
---
“Hiking—much like drinking—is something that sounds more fun to the uninitiated than it actually is.” – Mindy McGinnis
“At the end of a rainbow, there’s a pot of gold. But when the weekend comes to an end, there’s only a Monday.”
"Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even."
- Will Rogers
"If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, keep away from children." – Susan Savannah
“Yoga is not about tightening your ass. It’s about getting your head out of it.” — Eric Paskel
I'd rather live my whole life assuming there is a God, only to find out that there isn't, than to live my whole life assuming there isn't a God, only to find out there is. -- Peter Barry
"Men scream and go crazy in the gym. I'm a silent workout partner, but when my adrenaline gets up, I talk trash."
- Fergie
“I find being a Pisces a bit of a rollercoaster sometimes! I can talk myself right in and right out of any decision, any subject, any time.”
— Mary English
Don’t be distracted by criticism. Remember, the only taste of success some people get is to take a bite out of you.” – Zig Ziglar
“The trick is to stop thinking of it as ‘your’ money.” – IRS auditor
“My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.”—Dr. Joyce Brothers
“The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What’s the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you’d get a pulse.” — Dennis Miller
“Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache” – Mae West
"You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jelly beans."
— Ronald Reagan
“They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it.” Joseph Addison.
"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." - Chris Rock
“You cannot be anything if you want to be everything.”
Solomon Schechter
“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”—Jean Illsley Clarke
"Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon."
— Doug Larson
“Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.”
Benjamin Franklin
“I bought a calming tea but the smell and taste is making me nervous.”
― Unknown
“All of the animals except for man know that the principle business of life is to enjoy it.”
- Samuel Butler..
“The problem with winter sports is that – follow me closely here – they generally take place in winter.”
-Dave Barry
“Best Friend: One million memories, ten thousand inside jokes, one hundred shared secrets.”
— Unknown
"Early morning cheerfulness can be extremely obnoxious."
— William Feather
“How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?”
- Michael, ‘Three Men And A Baby.’
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."
“What on earth would I do if four bears came into my camp? Why, I would die of course. Literally sh** myself lifeless.” – Bill Bryson
“Spring is nature’s way of saying, ‘Let’s party!’”
– Robin Williams
“I do yoga to burn off the crazy” — Anonymous
"I can honestly say I love getting older. Then again, I never put my glasses on before looking in the mirror." - Cherie Lunghi
“We’ve been friends for so long, I can’t remember which one of us is the bad influence.”
— Unknown
"Remember, the second most important thing to choosing the right shoe is choosing the left one."
Unknown
“People who never do any more than they get paid for, never get paid for any more than they do.” — Elbert Hubbard
“God put me on this Earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind I will never die."
~ Bill Watterson
"A tax cut to compensate for a tax increase is not a cut — it's a con."
— Tony Abbott
“My wife tells me that if I ever decide to leave, she is coming with me.”
- Jon Bon Jovi
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
Thanksgiving sucks where it is now. It’s too close to Christmas. We don’t need back-to-back holidays where we go home and sleep on a twin bed after mainlining gravy.” — Seth Meyers
"Time wounds all heels."
“Cut my pie into four pieces, I don’t think I could eat eight.” — Yogi Berra
“The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.” – @ramblinma
“Running a marathon takes balls, other sports just play with them.” – Unknown
"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."
~ Douglas Adams
“Summer vacation: where you drink triple, see double and act single.”
“People say, ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends I need a Ouija board.”
Betty White
“The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal increases as the deadline approaches."
~ Bove’s Theorem