“If your family tree does not fork, you might be a redneck.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
“Good friends don’t let you do stupid things… alone.”
— Unknown
"Your diet is a bank account. Good food choices are good investments."
— Bethenny Frankel
“Sunshine and happiness go together like fish and chips!”
― Catherine Pulsifer
“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.”
Mark Twain
“When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.”—Richard Lewis
“Trying to do your own taxes is like a do-it-yourself mugging.”
“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.” — Cher
"I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."
- Marsha Doble
“Today’s good mood is sponsored by yoga.” – Unknown
"There are good ships
and wood ships
and ships that sail the sea.
But the best ships
are friendships
and may they always be."
“I’m giving thanks that we don’t have to go through this for another year.” — Adele Larson, “Home for the Holidays”
“Fact. Pisces is the most wobbly sign of the zodiac.”
— Mary English
“Time is an illusion. Lunchtime is doubly so.” – Douglas Adams
"The easiest time to fall asleep is just after turning off the alarm clock."
– Unknown
“If everything comes your way, you are in the wrong lane.”
"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller
“The best things in life are free, but sooner or later the government will find a way to tax them.”
“My nickname is ‘Mom’, but my full name is ‘Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom’.”
Unknown
“Always respect Mother Nature. Especially when she weighs 400 pounds and is guarding her baby.”
- James Rollins.
“My relationships with my cats have saved me from a deadly, pervasive ignorance.”
- William S. Burroughs.
“On our 6 a.m. walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it’s in heaven, visiting Daddy’s freedom.” – Ryan Reynolds
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died."
~ Erma Bombeck
“Driving is boring,” Rabbit pontificates, “but it’s what we do. Most of American life is driving somewhere and then driving back wondering why the hell you went.”
– John Updike
“May your coffee be extra strong, and your Monday be extra short.”
A good speech should be like a woman's skirt: long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest.
Winston Churchill
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw
“There’s no need for a piece of sculpture in a home that has a cat.”
- Wesley Bates.
“I have noticed that even people who claim everything is predetermined and that we can do nothing to change it look before they cross the road.”
Stephen Hawking
“I’m not retiring, I am graduating . . . retirement means that you’ll just go ahead and live on your laurels and surf all day in Oceanside. It ain’t going to happen.” – Junior Seau
“Money may not buy happiness, but I’d rather cry in a Jaguar than on a bus.”
– Francoise Sagan
"If we shake out all of the crumbs from all of the keyboards in the world, we can end world hunger."
— Matthew Dolkart
"Women should be obscene and not heard."
"I've always enjoyed poor health." —Taylor Caldwell
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?" — Jack Handy
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."
As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
“Sisters never quite forgive each other for what happened when they were five.”—Pam Brown
“A day without laughter is a day wasted.”
Charlie Chaplin
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.”
- Nate Smith.
“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows you are slightly cracked.”
— Bernard Meltzer
"My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate." — Jim Gaffigan
“It wouldn’t be Thanksgiving without a little emotional scarring.” — Timothy Burke, “Friends”
"If you text 'I love you' to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don't love you back."
- Chelsea Peretti
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not."
— Mark Twain
“I heard about a trend where, this Thanksgiving, people made tiny turkeys. You may know them by their other name: chicken!” — Jerry Seinfeld
"At age 20, we worry about what others think of us… at age 40, we don’t care what they think of us… at age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all." - Ann Landers
"I don't exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor"- Joan Rivers
“Animals may be our friends, but they won’t pick you up at the airport."
- Bobcat Goldthwait
“Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge.”
Tom Waits