It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.
Andy Borowitz
"I've always enjoyed poor health." —Taylor Caldwell
“Self-love seems so often unrequited.”
– Anthony Powell
"Every morning is good; it’s not his fault that someone didn’t sleep well."
– Unknown
"I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mum stay married for 33 years?’ And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.'"
- Gwyneth Paltrow
"They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it." ~ Joseph Addison
"When we put vegetables up for the winter, we use jars, but we call it canning. I find that jarring. And uncanny."
– Greg Tamblyn
"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."
“Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.” — Groucho Marx
“Arguing with a fool proves there are two.”
– Doris M. Smith
"Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly payment is due." ~Author Unknown
“On my income tax 1040 it says “Check this box if you are blind.” I wanted to put a check-mark about three inches away.”
– Tom Lehrer
“When I say I won’t tell anyone, my best friend doesn’t count.”
— Unknown
"Parents don’t really go on holidays. They just look after their kids in a different country for a while."
"It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower, or vacuum cleaner." – Ben Bergor
"As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer." - Robert Quillen"
"Slow runners make fast runners look good. Thank you."
From the back of a T-shirt
“Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’”
Steven Wright
"I went home with this French guy ’cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.’" — Amy Schumer
“It takes less time to do a thing right, than it does to explain why you did it wrong.” — Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
"Stupid is when you spend 18 hours trying to drown a fish."
Anonymous
“Sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.”
— Harvey Specter
“I’m actually banned from the Himalayas, because I’m too good at yoga.” – Judah Friedlander
“An instructor once gave the following cue in yoga class: “Relax your pancreas.” I don’t even know where my pancreas is, never mind how to relax it! I giggled for the rest of the class.” – Mel Farrimond
“If you like people who do stupid sh#t all the time, become a parent." – Kelly Oxford
"The politicians say 'we' can't afford a tax cut. Maybe we can't afford the politicians."
— Steve Forbes
“It’s bizarre that the [grocery store] produce manager is more important to my children’s health than the pediatrician.”
Unknown
“Straight roads are for fast cars, turns are for fast drivers.”
— Colin McRae
"I've never known a person who lives to be 110 who is remarkable for anything else." —Josh Billings
“The downside of playing dumb is that you sound dumb.”
- Rachel Maddow
“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge
“Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.” -Henny Youngman
“No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.” – @simoncholland
“People say money is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.”—Joan Rivers
“The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.”
- Lane Olinghouse.
“Don’t worry if people think you’re crazy. You are crazy. You have that kind of intoxicating insanity that lets other people dream outside of the lines and become who they’re destined to be.”
— Jennifer Elisabeth
“Never eat more than you can lift.”
Miss Piggy
"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."
- Bill Maher
“You fool! You’re 30 cents away from having a quarter!” –Sweet Dick Willie (Robin Harris)Do the Right Thing
You talk to God, you're religious. God talks to you, you're psychotic. -- Doris Egan
“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself." ~ Ronald Reagan
"The idea is to die young as late as possible." - Ashley Montagu
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth
"I am not a glutton – I am an explorer of food."
– Erma Bombeck
“If being awesome was a crime, I would be serving a life sentence.”
Anonymous
“They say that there can never be two snowflakes that are exactly alike, but has anyone checked lately?”
– Terry Pratchett
“Best friends know how crazy you are and still choose to be seen with you in public.”
— Unknown
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt."
— Charles M. Shulz
"They say good things take time, so that’s why I’m always late."
“If summer had one defining scent, it’d definitely be the smell of barbecue.”
— Katie Lee