“I heard about a trend where, this Thanksgiving, people made tiny turkeys. You may know them by their other name: chicken!” — Jerry Seinfeld
"America is a land of taxation that was founded to avoid taxation."
- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
Trust is like a mirror, you can fix it if it's broken, but you can still see the crack in that bastard's reflection.
Lady Gaga
"Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one." — Benjamin Franklin
"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe
"We don’t grow older, we grow riper." - Pablo Picasso
“Every mile is two in winter.”
"Eating words has never given me indigestion." —Winston Churchill
“Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern…like bad wallpaper.”
- Friedrich Nietzsche.
"Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician." - Anonymous
“Never make your favorite song the alarm for Monday morning; you’ll hate it for years.”
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”
- Rodney Dangerfield.
"I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number ou get in a diamond"- Mae West
“There are only two seasons – winter and Baseball.” – Bill Veeck
“Do you think Abe Lincoln would have declared Thanksgiving a national holiday if he knew it would mean the Lions play every year?” — Conan O’Brien
All the men in my family are bald, and all the women are hunchbacked – and they don’t know we’re bald.
Mark Roberts
"There's always something to be thankful for on Thanksgiving. Even if it's just not being a turkey." -Unknown
“Turkey: A large bird whose flesh, when eaten on certain religious anniversaries, has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude.” —Ambrose Bierce
“A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.”
Groucho Marx
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.”
George Burns
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." — Francois de la Rochefoucauld
“Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.”
— Punit Ghadge
“I’m actually banned from the Himalayas, because I’m too good at yoga.” – Judah Friedlander
“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘Wow, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’”—Dave Barry
“Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.”
- Douglas Adams
"The idea is to die young as late as possible." - Ashley Montagu
"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." - Chris Rock
"Parenting is basically just listening to yourself talk because nobody else is." - Unknown
"Everybody makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when no one is looking."
~ Anonymous
“Every generation revolts against its fathers and makes friends with its grandfathers.”—Lewis Mumford
“Some taxpayers close their eyes, some stop their ears, some shut their mouths, but all pay through the nose.”
— Evan Esar
"The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." — Samuel Taylor Coleridge
"Aries people pick up steam while everyone else is running out of gas."
— Joanna Martine Woolfolk
“What on earth would I do if four bears came into my camp? Why, I would die of course. Literally sh** myself lifeless.” – Bill Bryson
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died."
~ Erma Bombeck
"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early"
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan." — Leopold Fetchner
"Fish is the only food that is considered spoiled once it smells like what it is."
— P. J. O'Rourke
“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”
Steven Wright
“I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.” — Jerome K. Jerome
“Make yourself look really stupid so you don’t feel bad doing something a little stupid.”
- Mark Hoppus
“I always give 100% at Work: 10% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 22% Thursday, and 5% Friday.” –Anonymous
"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook."
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single.” – Billy Crystal
“In order to maintain a well-balanced perspective, the person who has a dog to worship him should also have a cat to ignore him.” —Peterborough Examiner, Canada
“I don’t like to commit myself about heaven and hell — you see, I have friends in both places."
— Mark Twain
“If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?”
– Scott Adams
“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.”
Les Dawson
Gardening is a matter of your enthusiasm holding up until your back gets used to it
— Author Unknown
“I’m from Canada, so Thanksgiving to me is just Thursday with more food. And I’m thankful for that.” —Howie Mandel