“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
“You know you’re a gardener when you’re happy to devote three months of your life growing tomatoes to save $1.27.”
— Anonymous
"Bury me next to a straight man."
“Both optimists and pessimists contribute to our society. The optimist invents the airplane and the pessimist the parachute.”
- Gil Stern
“The only clubs I’m interested in are sandwiches.”
― Unknown
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”
Erma Bombeck
“Fine! You guys can all be beautiful snowflakes! I’m gonna go over here and be an awkward snowflake!”
― Robyn Schneider
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
Groucho Marx
All men are afraid of eyelash curlers; I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
Rita Rudner
"Running won't solve all your problems. But then again, neither will housework."
Unknown
“Due to lack of interest. Monday has been canceled.”
"I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage." -Erma Bombeck
"And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it."
“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.”
—Michelle Pfeiffer
“Do you think I’m crazy? You should see me with my best friend.”
— Unknown
“Having a baby dragged me, kicking and screaming, from the world of self-absorption.”
- Paul Reiser.
“Where there is cake, there is hope. And there is always cake.”
― Dean Koontz
“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”
Steven Wright
"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."
“Turkey: A large bird whose flesh, when eaten on certain religious anniversaries, has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude.” —Ambrose Bierce
“Never make your favorite song the alarm for Monday morning; you’ll hate it for years.”
“Sagittarians are not normally sentimental; however, they can get really attached to a favorite sweater that has seen better days.”
— Therrie Rosenvald
“Like vinegar to the teeth, and smoke to the eyes, so are the lazy to their employers.” – Proverb 10:26
When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.
Rita Rudner
“You know that just before the first Thanksgiving there was one wise old Native American woman saying, “Don’t feed them. If you feed them, they’ll never leave.” —Dylan Brody
“Perhaps one reason we are fascinated by cats is because such a small animal can contain so much independence, dignity, and freedom of spirit. Unlike the dog, the cat’s personality is never bet on a human’s. He demands acceptance on his own terms.”
- Lloyd Alexander.
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
– Robin Williams
“Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” — Rita Rudner
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
Robin Williams
"Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional" - Chili Davis
"They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it." ~ Joseph Addison
“When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.”
Will Rogers
“You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.” - Anonymous
“The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.”
Demetri Martin
“I’m not retiring, I am graduating . . . retirement means that you’ll just go ahead and live on your laurels and surf all day in Oceanside. It ain’t going to happen.” – Junior Seau
All gardeners know better than other gardeners.”
— Chinese Proverb
“You can always tell about somebody by the way they put their hands on an animal.”
- Betty White.
“How did my driving test go? You could say I mailed it!”
"Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature." —Donatella in Letters to Juliet
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid."
- Mark Twain
"An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field."
~ Niels Bohr
"Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education."
— Mark Twain
"There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap."
— Kevin James
"It's unsticking-your-thighs-from-a-plastic-chair season"
"If hard work were such a wonderful thing, surely the rich would have kept it all to themselves." ~ Lane Kirkland
“To like and dislike the same things, that is what makes a solid friendship.”
— Sallust
“There were times my pants were so thin I could sit on a dime and tell if it was heads or tails.” -Spencer Tracy quotes
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.”
- Mark Twain.
“Take a deep breath and try to relax. I promise – Monday will be over soon.”
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.”
Phyllis Diller