“Silence is golden…unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious.” - Anonymous
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
“If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them.”
- Phil Pastoret.
"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died." —Erma Bombeck
"I bought an ant farm. I don't know where I am going to get a tractor that small!"
- Steven Wright
"Yeah, working is great… but have you tried traveling?"
“Ah, summer, what power you have to make us suffer and like it.”
-Russell Baker
Gardening is a matter of your enthusiasm holding up until your back gets used to it
— Author Unknown
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did.
Robert Benchley
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."
"If you feel bad at 10 miles, you're in trouble. If you feel bad at 20 miles, you're normal. If you don't feel bad at 26 miles, you're abnormal."
Rob de Castella
“The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree." - Steven Alexander Wright
“I always carry a knife in my purse, just in case we’re having cake.”
― Unknown
“If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?”
- Will Rogers
“In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this.”
- Terry Pratchett.
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." — Steve Martin
“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, "At my age, I don't even buy green bananas."
Claude Pepper
“I’m a Capricorn and I’m mad loyal — mad loyal! — and I will always look for the good in people.”
— Jeannie Mai
“Summer bachelors like summer breezes, are never as cool as they pretend to be.”
– Nora Ephron
“Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes.”
– Joyce Armor.
“How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.”
Emo Philips
"I always thought a yard was three feet, then I started mowing the lawn."
- C.E. Cowman
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
"Taxes grow without rain."
- Jewish Proverb
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not."
— Mark Twain
"Summer does mean no school for my children. Hey, who doesn’t deserve a three-month break after a rigorous year of kindergarten?"
– Jim Gaffigan
“From birth to age 18, a girl needs good parents, from 18 to 35 she needs good looks, from 35 to 55 she needs a good personality, and from 55 on she needs cash.” – Sophie Tucker
"I've always enjoyed poor health." —Taylor Caldwell
“The first 40 years of life give us the text; the next 30 supply the commentary on it.” – Arthur Schopenhauer
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back."
Franklin Jones
“Grandparents are there to help the child get into mischief they haven’t thought of yet.”—Gene Perret
"Motherhood – when 90% of your time is spent putting other people’s crap away." — Anonymous
"This is by far your worst idea ever…I’ll be there in 15 minutes."
— Unknown
“Take a deep breath and try to relax. I promise – Monday will be over soon.”
“It snowed last year too: I made a snowman and my brother knocked it down and I knocked my brother down and then we had tea.”
– Dylan Thomas
“It doesn’t matter how low the dollar will go, I will always bend down and pick it up.” ~ Anonymous
"Popcorn for breakfast! Why not? It’s a grain. It’s like, like, grits, but with high self-esteem."
– James Patterson
“Some people can eat anything they want and stay slim. I put on weight just by reading the recipe.”
― Unknown
“When I figured out how to work my grill, it was quite a moment. I discovered that summer is a completely different experience when you know how to grill.”
— Taylor Swift
“Never face facts; if you do you’ll never get up in the morning.”
— Marlo Thomas
"Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?" —George Carlin
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
“A yawn is a silent scream for coffee…”
– Unknown
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.”
George Carlin
"Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese." – Billie Burke
“If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.”
Ace Ventura (Jim Carrey)
“May your stuffing be tasty. May your turkey be plump. May your potatoes and gravy have nary a lump. May your yams be delicious and your pies take the prize, and may your Thanksgiving dinner stay off your thighs!” —Anonymous