"Do you wake up as I do, having forgotten what it is that hurts or where, until you move?"
– Jeanette Winterson
“It’s funny how your parents tell you it’s their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.”—Unknown
“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair." ~Sam Ewing
"Taurus won't forget it. Taurus doesn't forget anything."
— Linda Goodman
"Jogging is for people who aren't intelligent enough to watch television."
Victoria Wood
“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”
Steven Wright
"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."
- Ray Romano
"You know you are getting old when everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work." - Hy Gardner
“Saw a chameleon today so I'm assuming it wasn't a very good one." - Unknown Author
I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress. -- Ronald Reagan
"My inner advisor is dying to heal me." - Astrid Alauda
“Always respect Mother Nature. Especially when she weighs 400 pounds and is guarding her baby.”
- James Rollins.
“I would sooner be prime minister of the moon than run another marathon. I’ve been really lucky. I didn’t have any toenails fall off or anything disgusting like that. I still have all three nipples.”
– Ryan Reynolds, actor
“If all the economists were laid end to end, they’d never reach a conclusion." ~George Bernard Shaw
“I’m looking forward to seeing pie this Thanksgiving more than members of my own family.” —Damien Fahey
“I probably wouldn’t kill so many houseplants if they could scream for food and water the way my pets and children do.”
— Anonymous
“Excercise? I thought you said extra fries.”
“Unless you are a pizza, the answer is yes, I can live without you.”
― Bill Murray
“How is it that the first piece of luggage on the airport carousel never belongs to everyone?”
— George Roberts
“Camping is not a date; its an endurance test. If you can survive camping with someone, you should marry them on the way home.”
“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”—Groucho Marx
“An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.” —Irv Kupcinet
“Sagittarians are not normally sentimental; however, they can get really attached to a favorite sweater that has seen better days.”
— Therrie Rosenvald
"Pollen- when flowers can't keep it in their plants"
“Someone should enact a holiday that honors all people who turn up for work on Mondays.”
“Did you nap after eating the Thanksgiving meal? Or did you pass out like you were shot by a tranquilizer gun?” — Jim Gaffigan
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
“We’ll be best friends forever because you already know too much.”
— Unknown
"Take the admission to the gym to avoid the admission to the hospital."
- Amit Kalantri
"Going on a hike is like having your car break down but on purpose."
- John Lyon
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." – Jackie Mason
“I’m staying in shape this winter by wearing enough layers to be constantly sweating.”
"I believe that the good Lord gave us a finite number of heartbeats and I'm damned if I'm going to use up mine running up and down a street."
Neil Armstrong
“Tomorrow is Thanksgiving! It’s the day you forget about all the fighting and division in the world and just focus on all the fighting and division in your family.” — Jimmy Fallon
Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.
Betty White
“I’m not aging, I just need repotting.”
— Anonymous
“Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.”
— Punit Ghadge
“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.”
W. C. Fields
Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did.
Robert Benchley
“Parents must get across the idea that “I love you always, but sometimes I do not love your behavior.”—Amy Vanderbilt
“Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.”
- Martin Mull.
“My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett
"Patience is not a virtue for Aries. The phrase Speak now or forever hold your peace, was probably created by an impatient Aries."
— Dr. Atara
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.”
Phyllis Diller
"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, “Did you sleep good?” I said, “No, I made a few mistakes.”
– Steven Wright
"We live by the golden rule. Those who have the gold make the rules." ~ Unknown
“Is it snowing where you are? All the world that I see from my tower is draped in white and the flakes are coming down as big as pop-corns.” — Jean Webster
“Seriousness is stupidity sent to college.”
- P. J. O’Rourke
“A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.'”
Claude Pepper
The idea is to die young as late as possible.
Montagu's Maxim