“If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys” – James Goldsmith
"There is no WiFi in the forest but you will find a better connection."
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield
“Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don’t turn up at all.” – Sam Ewing
“They laugh at me because I’m different: I laugh at them because they’re all the same.”
“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”
— Neil Simon
"The 12-step chocoholics program: Never be more than 12 steps away from chocolate!"
— Terry Moore
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” —Phyllis Diller
“All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.”
- Erma Bombeck.
"There is nothing better for the spirit or the body than a love affair. It elevates the thoughts and flattens the stomach." — Barbara Hower
"If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books." — Alan King
“You can always tell a real friend: when you’ve made a fool of yourself he doesn’t feel you’ve done a permanent job.”
– Laurence J. Peter
"No one betrays a Gemini and gets off without a sound ear-bashing."
— Richard MacDonald
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
– Robin Williams
“The Thanksgiving tradition is, we overeat. ‘Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?’ ‘But we do that every day!’ ‘Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?'”—Jim Gaffigan
“There should be a rule against people trying to be funny before the sun comes up.”
– Kristen Chandler
"Oh, here's an idea: Let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all." - Jimmy Fallon
“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” - Natasha Leggero
“If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.”
George Burns
“Good morning world! Your little ray of sarcastic sunshine has arrived.”
– Unknown
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel."
“An Aquarius isn’t a rebel with a cause; they are the cause.”
— Jake Register
"I can't believe we got grades in gym class. I've never used anything I learned in there."
- Jim Gaffigan
“A party without a cake is really just a meeting.”
― Julia Child
Summer is like the ultimate one-night stand...hot as hell, totally thrilling, and gone before you know it.
“If I'm ever being chased by a giraffe I'm gonna run into a place with low ceiling fans. Sorry, giraffe, but I gotta do what's best for me."
- Amber Tozer
“The best thing about animals is that they don’t talk much.”
- Thornton Wilder.
“The only reason a great many American families don't own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments."
- Mad Magazine
"The most hopelessly stupid man is he who is not aware that he is wise."
Anonymous
"I go running when I have to. Like when the ice cream truck is doing sixty."
Wendy Liebman
“My daughters only six months old and already drawing. I’d hang it on the fridge, but honestly, its absolute garbage.” – Ryan Reynolds
“All kidding aside, if everyone did yoga, we would have world peace.” — Rory Freedman
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.”
- Nate Smith.
“I work for myself, which is fun. Except when I call in sick, I know I’m lying. – Rita Rudner
“I didn’t get this physique by not eating tacos.”
― Jon Tester
“Did you nap after eating the Thanksgiving meal? Or did you pass out like you were shot by a tranquilizer gun?” — Jim Gaffigan
"I believe that the good Lord gave us a finite number of heartbeats and I'm damned if I'm going to use up mine running up and down a street."
Neil Armstrong
“I talked to a wild group last night. I knew it the minute someone yelled ‘Louder!’ during the silent meditation. – Robert Orben”
“Unfortunately, I did not become a millionaire over the weekend, so I have to return to work on Monday.”
“You are one yoga class away from a good mood.” – Unknown
“I’ve had entire relationships that didn’t get as far as these airport security checkpoints.”
— Michael LeRoux
“Do you think Abe Lincoln would have declared Thanksgiving a national holiday if he knew it would mean the Lions play every year?” — Conan O’Brien
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.” Douglas Adams.
“When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet.”-Nick Arnette
"When you see a couple walking down the street holding hands and laughing, you look over to your side and the only thing you're holding is a half-eaten sandwich."
— Violet Matters
"If we shake out all of the crumbs from all of the keyboards in the world, we can end world hunger."
— Matthew Dolkart
“Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.” – Jackie Mason
“Sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.”
— Harvey Specter
“I can speak Esperanto like a native.”
Spike Milligan
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
- Phyllis Diller.