“I never forget a face—but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.”
Groucho Marx
It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.
Andy Borowitz
“My esteem in this country has gone up substantially. It is very nice now that when people wave at me, they use all their fingers.”
Jimmy Carter
"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet." - Rodney Dangerfield
“Your typical six-year-old is a paradoxical little person.”
- Louise Bates Ames.
“Coworkers are like Christmas lights. They hang together, half of them don’t work and the other half aren’t so bright.” – Anonymous
“This is the mondayest Monday that ever mondayed.”
“Lisa, if you don’t like your job you don’t strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way."
~ Homer Simpson
“We live in the era of smart phones and stupid people.”
Antonymous
“In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this.”
- Terry Pratchett.
“My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.”
Tina Fey
"Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined." - Samuel Goldwyn
"Do you wake up as I do, having forgotten what it is that hurts or where, until you move?"
– Jeanette Winterson
"At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom."
— George Carlin
“During summer vacation, you get to do all your favorite things; cook hot dogs over a campfire (while being eaten alive by mosquitoes).”
– Bruce Lansky
“If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.”
Theodore Roosevelt
"Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time."
– Sadhguru
"We don’t grow older, we grow riper." - Pablo Picasso
“Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie.” —Jim Davis
"Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of." – Bruce Lansky
"If the poor overweight jogger only knew how far he had to run to work off the calories in a crust of bread he might find it better in terms of pound per mile to go to a massage parlor."
- Christiaan Barnard
“Three rebels against the light: the thief, the adulterer, and the bat.”
- Hebrew Proverb.
“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
“I thought about losing weight once, but I don’t like losing.”
― Unknown
“In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in television.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative.” – Maurice Chevalier
“I travel a lot, I hate having my life disrupted by routine.”
– Caskie Stinnett
“An Aquarius isn’t a rebel with a cause; they are the cause.”
— Jake Register
“Don't be so humble – you are not that great.”
Golda Meir
"When traveling with someone, take large doses of patience and tolerance with your morning coffee."
– Helen Hayes
"Every morning is good; it’s not his fault that someone didn’t sleep well."
– Unknown
"Real gardeners buy at least ten thousand plants in the course of a lifetime without having the least idea where they'll put any of them when they get home."
— Anonymous
"It's funny when people think 'yoga people' are supposed to be calm. No. We're all here because we're nuts." — Unknown
“Morning is wonderful. Its only drawback is that it comes at such an inconvenient time of day.”
— Glen Cook
"I get pretty much all the exercise I need walking down airport concourses carrying bags."
- Guy Clark
“I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically, dogs think humans are nuts.”
- John Steinbeck.
"Between lovers, a little confession is a dangerous thing." — Helen Rowland
“The problem with the world is that everyone does not have a brain, but everyone does have a tongue.”
- Raheel Farooq
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day!” — Anonymous
"Know your worth, and then make sure to add tax."
“In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” - Rita Rudner
“Never eat more than you can lift.”
Miss Piggy
“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.”
Les Dawson
“I do yoga so that I can stay flexible enough to kick my own arse if necessary.” — Betsy Cañas Garmon
"The 12-step chocoholics program: Never be more than 12 steps away from chocolate!"
— Terry Moore
“Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.”
— Punit Ghadge
"I just want someone to look at me the way I look at food."
— Unknown
“Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”
- George Benard Shaw
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today."
- Herman Wouk
“I’m glad it’s finally hot enough to complain about how hot it is.”