“Education cost money. But then again so does ignorance.” – Sir Claus Moser
“My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.”
Dave Barry
“Sunday morning my head is bad. But it's worth all the time I had. But I've got to go and get some rest. For Monday is a mess!”
– Dave Bartholomew, Blue Monday
“My friends and family always thought I was pretty funny, but I don’t know if they thought I was get-my-own-show funny.”
- Nick Kroll
“I have noticed that even people who claim everything is predetermined and that we can do nothing to change it look before they cross the road.”
Stephen Hawking
“Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.”—Elbert Hubbard
“When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.”
“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates
“What turning forty means to me? I need to take my pants off as soon as I get home. I didn’t used to have to do that, but now I do.”
Tina Fey
“Did you know the actual difference between hill and hell is just a fine line?”
“I am patient with stupidity but not with those who are proud of it.”
- Edith Sitwell
“When there’s snow on the ground L like to pretend I'm walking on clouds.”
“They laugh at me because I’m different: I laugh at them because they’re all the same.”
"An onion can make people cry but there's never been a vegetable that can make people laugh."
— Will Rogers
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.”
– Prince Philip
“Sending your kids to summer camp teaches them important life lessons... like, ‘You can deal with your problems by sending them to summer camp.’”
- Ari Fishbein.
“If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?”
– Albert Einstein
“Friends come and go, like the waves of the ocean, but the true ones stay, like an octopus on your face.”
— Unknown
“I heard about a trend where, this Thanksgiving, people made tiny turkeys. You may know them by their other name: chicken!” — Jerry Seinfeld
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson
"When reality and dreams collide, typically it’s just your alarm clock going off.”
— Crystal Woods
“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”—Jean Illsley Clarke
“Venice is like eating an entire box of chocolate liqueurs in one go.”
— Truman Capote
"I only workout, because I really really like donuts."
- Unknown
"Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon." - Doug Larson
“Fond of doctors, little health, Fond of lawyers, little wealth.”
Proverb
"What a man needs in gardening is a cast-iron back, with a hinge in it."
- Charles Dudley Warner
“Good morning is a contradiction of terms.”
— Jim Davis
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all things that make you want to live to be a hundred." - Woody Allen
“Good Morning! Open your mouth wide! I’ll just keep going and put that coffee right in there!”
– Unknown
"The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax."
- Albert Einstein
“Like vinegar to the teeth, and smoke to the eyes, so are the lazy to their employers.” – Proverb 10:26
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
Jerry Seinfeld
“The thing about parenting rules is there aren’t any. That’s what makes it so difficult.”
- Ewan McGregor.
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well neither does bathing. That’s why we recommend it daily.” – Zig Ziglar
“A dog is one of the remaining reasons why some people can be persuaded to go for a walk.”—Orlando Aloysius Battista
“Whenever I travel with my 4 young kids I always forget something. Like how stupid it is to travel with 4 young kids.”
– Jim Gaffigan
“Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.”
- Amber Dusick.
"There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus, he does not believe in Santa Claus, he is Santa Claus." - Bob Phillips
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
Steve Martin
“Getting paid to sleep… that’s my dream job.” –Unknown
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."
“Mix a little foolishness with your serious plans. It is lovely to be silly at the right moment.”
- Horace
“People say, ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends I need a Ouija board.”
Betty White
“Best friends know how crazy you are and still choose to be seen with you in public.”
— Unknown
“Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.”
Steve Martin
"At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom."
— George Carlin
"Gardening requires lots of water - most of it in the form of perspiration."
- Lou Erickson
“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”
Abraham Lincoln
“I am convinced digestion is the great secret to life.”
Sydney Smith