“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?"
~ J. Paul Getty
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”—Henny Youngman
“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” – Jerry Seinfeld
"The cow is of the bovine ilk: One end is moo, the other, milk."
- Ogden Nash
“Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.”
- Martin Mull.
"Popcorn for breakfast! Why not? It’s a grain. It’s like, like, grits, but with high self-esteem."
– James Patterson
“There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage” — James Holt McGavran
“My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.”
Dave Barry
“To make a million, start with $900,000.” - Morton Shulman.
“If you don’t like how I drive, get off the sidewalk.”
“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.”
Rodney Dangerfield
“Never break a promise to an animal. They're like babies—they won't understand.”
― Tamora Pierc
“Turkey: A large bird whose flesh, when eaten on certain religious anniversaries, has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude.” —Ambrose Bierce
"Love thy neighbor—and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier." - Mae West
“Dogs have boundless enthusiasm but no sense of shame. I should have a dog as a life coach.”
- Moby.
“But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.”
- Carl Sagan
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
“Dear winter, I’m breaking up with you. I think it’s time I start seeing other seasons. Summer is hotter than you.”
“Today I bought a doughnut without sprinkles. This diet thing is hard.”
― Unknown
“Never face facts; if you do you’ll never get up in the morning.”
— Marlo Thomas
“No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.” – @simoncholland
"There are two kinds of travel – first class and with children."
– Robert Benchley
"How do you know if someone ran a marathon? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you."
Jimmy Fallon
“I’m staying in shape this winter by wearing enough layers to be constantly sweating.”
In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
Rita Rudner
"Don’t forget to drink water and get some sun. You’re basically a houseplant with more complicated emotions."
“Yes, I deserve a spring – I owe nobody nothing."
– Virginia Woolf
"My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate." — Jim Gaffigan
“Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.”
- Ed Asner.
“If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it." ~Author Unknown
“I love road trips. You get into this Zen rhythm; throw the sense of time out the window.”
– Miriam Toews
"Old age comes at a bad time." – San Banducci
“Morning will come, it has no choice.”
— Marty Rubin
“People that cheat on their taxes truly disgust me. This is not the world I want to raise my 27 dependents in.”
"Dogs never bite me. Just humans."
- Marilyn Monroe
“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”—Kristen Bell
“All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening.” —Alexander Woollcott
"Yesterday I read the horoscope and it was written:" Born of Gemini will be happy in 2018. "I was very sad that I didn't have a twin."
“Babies: cry all flight long. Fall asleep during landing.”
"To get back to my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable." - Oscar Wilde
“We must fall in love with yourselves. I don’t like myself. I’m crazy about myself.”
– Mae West
“Cut my pie into four pieces, I don’t think I could eat eight.” — Yogi Berra
"Half the modern drugs could well be thrown out the window, except that the birds might eat them." - Martin H. Fischer
"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"
“A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future.”
Denis Waitley
“L.A. is so celebrity-conscious, there’s a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson — and when he shows up, they tell him there’ll be a ten-minute wait.”
Bill Maher
"A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’" - Claude Pepper
“If I was elected president, the first thing I would do would be to eliminate all Mondays and lengthen the weekend one more day.”
"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."
“I love playing a dad. It’s hard to find family dramas that are genuinely funny.”
- Peter Gallagher