“If you start drinking now, Thanksgiving could be a lot of fun.” — Conan O’Brien
"Teaching kids to count is fine, but teaching them what counts is best."
— Bob Talbert
“What Yoga really is… Spending an entire hour trying not to fart.”— Anonymous
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.”—Lily Tomlin
“Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.” —Jean Kerr
"I love you in a way that's nauseating to others."
- Unknown
"To get back to my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable." - Oscar Wilde
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
Groucho Marx
“Monday again? Is it every week now?”
“You know you’re a gardener when you’re happy to devote three months of your life growing tomatoes to save $1.27.”
— Anonymous
"Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened." - Jennifer Yane
"Love thy neighbor—and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier." - Mae West
"You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” - Rey Woodman
“Thanksgiving is America’s national chow-down feast, the one occasion each year when gluttony becomes a patriotic duty.” —Michael Dresser
"Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese." – Billie Burke
"Most people never run far enough on their first wind to find out they've got a second."
William James
“My keyboard must be broken, I keep hitting the escape key, but I’m still at work.” — Author Unknown
“Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.” – Jackie Mason
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
“Children may be deductible, but they are still taxing.”
“The worst part of online shopping is having to get up and get your credit card from your purse.”
Unknown
"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." Garry Shandling
"It’s bad manners to let vacation wait!"
“Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.”
Will Rogers
"People who say “Good morning” should be forced to prove it."
– Unknown
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid."
- Mark Twain
"We must both, I’m afraid, recognise that, as we grow older, we become like old cars – more and more repairs and replacements are necessary." - C.S. Lewis
"Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature." —Donatella in Letters to Juliet
“The Government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend upon the support of Paul.”
– George Bernard Shaw
“My job is fun! I should change this line once in a while. My brain has started to realize that I am lying to it every morning."
~ Anonymous
“I’m totally ‘that dad’ who leaves a note in my son’s lunch box. One day I’ll actually start putting food in there also.”
- Steve Ryan.
“It’s a bit unnerving That doctors call what they do practice.”
Unknown
“If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of fun out of owning one.” —Andrew A. Rooney
“To my mind, the only possible pet is a cow. Cows love you… They will listen to your problems and never ask a thing in return. They will be your friends forever. And when you get tired of them, you can kill and eat them. Perfect.”
Bill Bryson
People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.
A.A Milne
“I feel very blessed to have two wonderful, healthy children who keep me completely grounded, sane, and throw up on my shoes just before I go to an awards show just so I know to keep it real.”
- Reese Witherspoon.
“So far as I know, anything worth hearing is not usually uttered at seven o’clock in the morning; and if it is, it will generally be repeated at a more reasonable hour for a larger and more wakeful audience.”
— Moss Hart
“I love airports because the rules of society don’t apply. Eat a pizza and have a glass of wine at 7 am while in track pants. Nobody cares.”
Unknown
“Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.” - Steven Wright
---
“Hiking—much like drinking—is something that sounds more fun to the uninitiated than it actually is.” – Mindy McGinnis
To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone.
Reba McEntire
“Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.”
Jerry Seinfeld
“A new survey found that 80 percent of men claim they help cook Thanksgiving dinner. Which makes sense when you hear them consider saying ‘that smells good’ to be helping.” —Jimmy Fallon
“I can speak Esperanto like a native.”
Spike Milligan
“It’s bizarre that the [grocery store] produce manager is more important to my children’s health than the pediatrician.”
Unknown
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
No man ever believes that the Bible means what it says. He is always convinced that it says what he means. -- George Bernard Shaw
“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”
— Neil Simon
“Beaver do better work than the Corps of Engineers.”
- Mike Todd.
“Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.”
Dave Barry
“But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.”
- Carl Sagan