“The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it.”
— Dudley Moore
“How many God-fearing, tax-paying, law-abiding men in Las Vegas does it take to light a bonfire? Both of them.”
“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘Wow, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’”—Dave Barry
“What is the only flaw of being intelligent?…that you have to deal with stupid people.”
Anonymous
“If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them.”
- Phil Pastoret.
“Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.” – Jackie Mason
"I run so my goals in life will continue to get bigger instead of my belly."
Bill Kirby
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.”
– Prince Philip
“Thanksgiving is America’s national chow-down feast, the one occasion each year when gluttony becomes a patriotic duty.” —Michael Dresser
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
“Early to bed and early to rise probably indicates unskilled labor.” – John Ciardi
“Mother-daughter disagreements were, in hindsight, basically mother stating the truth and daughter taking her own sweet time coming around.”—Barbara Delinsky
"A Taurus always appears to be calm and steady, even when they feel like punching you in the face."
— Unknown
"An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt."
- Fred Allen
“Seriousness is stupidity sent to college.”
- P. J. O’Rourke
“Millionaires don't use Astrology, billionaires do.”
― J.P. Morgan
“Aquarians are sort of unorthodox, original people — sort of wack, witty mad-caps who refuse to follow the crowd and go their own way.”
— Joanna Martine Woolfolk
“Yes officer I did see the speed limit sign, I just didn’t see you.”
"Take the admission to the gym to avoid the admission to the hospital."
- Amit Kalantri
"Men do not quit playing because they grow old—they grow old because they quit playing." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
“I have never been hurt by what I have not said.”
Calvin Coolidge
“A messy house is a must—it separates your true friends from other friends. Real friends are there to visit you not your house!”
— Jennifer Wilson
“If A equals success, then the formula is A = X + Y + Z. Where X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut.” — Albert Einstein
“I heard about a trend where, this Thanksgiving, people made tiny turkeys. You may know them by their other name: chicken!” — Jerry Seinfeld
"Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line." -John Lyon
"The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again."
Erma Bombeck
“Being a couch potato is dangerous, someone may get hungry and eat you!”
― Unknown
“I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.” -Jackie Mason“I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.” -Jackie Mason
"Camping is a humanitarian effort to help feed hungry mosquitoes."
- Melanie White
“A lot of people like snow. I find it to be an unnecessary freezing of water.”
– Carl Reiner
"Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one." — Mae West
“We’re having something different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we’re having a swan. You get more stuffing.” —George Carlin
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
"I’m too busy working on my own grass to notice if yours is greener."
The worst moment for the atheist is when he is really thankful and has nobody to thank. -- Dante Rossetti
“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” — Raymond Hull
“My job is fun! I should change this line once in a while. My brain has started to realize that I am lying to it every morning."
~ Anonymous
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
"At my age, flowers scare me." - George Burns
“Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.” – Will Rogers
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
Jerry Seinfeld
"I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity." - Edgar Allen Poe
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”
- Erma Bombeck
"You know it’s time for a vacation when you start looking like the person on your driving license…"
“It is a grave error to assume that ice cream consumption requires hot weather.”
- Anne Fadiman
“My family is really boring. They have a coffee table book called Pictures We Took Just to Use Up the Rest of the Film.”
- Penelope Lombard.
"I don't do alcohol anymore—I get the same effect just standing up fast." - Anonymous
“I chose the road less traveled and now I don’t know where I am.”
“Let a man walk ten miles steadily on a hot summer’s day along a dusty English road, and he will soon discover why beer was invented.”
- Gilbert K. Chesterton
“When it comes to staying young, a mind-lift beats a face-lift any day.” – Marty Buccella