“There’s no such thing as bad weather, just soft people.”
– Bill Bowerman
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time.”
Joe Girard
“I won’t be impressed with technology until I can download food.”
― Unknown
“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.” – Earl Wilson
“May your coffee be strong and your Monday productive.”
“I'm not napping this is savasana.”
- Berndt Vogel
“Our perfect companions never have fewer than four feet.”
- Colette.
“Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” —Paula Poundstone
"Men scream and go crazy in the gym. I'm a silent workout partner, but when my adrenaline gets up, I talk trash."
- Fergie
“Parents must get across the idea that “I love you always, but sometimes I do not love your behavior.”—Amy Vanderbilt
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
Steve Martin
“If inflation continues to soar, you’re going to have to work like a dog just to live like one." ~George Gobel
“Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life!”
“My mind says ‘abs’ but my heart says ‘cheese fries’.”
― Unknown
“Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.”
Josh Billings
“Running a marathon takes balls, other sports just play with them.” – Unknown
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”—Erma Bombeck
“Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.”—Mickey Rooney
“It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.”—Rodney Dangerfield
“Never face facts; if you do you’ll never get up in the morning.”
— Marlo Thomas
“Your typical six-year-old is a paradoxical little person.”
- Louise Bates Ames.
"If I hold a can of soda up to my ear and listen carefully, I can hear my bones pleading for a glass of milk."
– Bridger Winegar
"Aries people pick up steam while everyone else is running out of gas."
— Joanna Martine Woolfolk
“It doesn’t matter if you’re black or white… the only color that really matters is green.” – Family Guy
“What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin” –Mark Twain
“Beat the 5 o’clock rush, leave work at noon.” — Anonymous
“I’m like Pacman when I’m at a party, I eat everything and run away from anyone coming close to me.”
― Unknown
"One of the many things nobody ever tells you about middle age is that it’s such a nice change from being young." – Dorothy Canfield Fisher
“I can’t get out of bed on days when the temperature is less than my age.”
"I’ve done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not." ~ Fran Lebowitz
"I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died."
- Richard Diran
“Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?”
– Peg Bracken
“The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco.
– Mark Twain
A real Christian is a person who can give his pet parrot to the town gossip. -- Billy Graham
“What do dogs do on their day off? Can’t lie around – that’s their job.”
- George Carlin.
"Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out." - Phyllis Diller
“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” - Jane Austen, 'Pride and Prejudice'
“I’m getting used to wearing flip-flops everywhere. It’s a dangerous place to be. Next thing you know, I’m gonna show to a board meeting in sandals.”
“No animal, according to the rules of animal-etiquette, is ever expected to do anything strenuous, or heroic, or even moderately active during the off-season of winter.” — Kenneth Grahame
"This is by far your worst idea ever…I’ll be there in 15 minutes."
— Unknown
“I tried every diet that was in the book, I tried some that weren’t in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets.”
Dolly Parton
“Unfortunately, I did not become a millionaire over the weekend, so I have to return to work on Monday.”
"A bad cold wouldn't be so annoying if it weren't for the advice of our friends." - Kin Hubbard
“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.”
Homer Simpson
"Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax increases 'revenue enhancement'. Not so. No one was fooled."
— Dan Quayle
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
“I am having an out of money experience." ~Author Unknown
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."
"Like gum to a shoe, you’re stuck with me and I’m stuck with you."
At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?
Zach Galifianakis