“Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.”—Mickey Rooney
"If the hill has its own name, then it's probably a pretty tough hill."
Marty Stern
“You only live once… Lick the bowl!”
― Unknown
“Many people spend more time in planning the wedding than they do in planning the marriage.” —Zig Ziglar
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Jules Renard
“Doing nothing is very hard to do… you never know when you’re finished.” — Leslie Nielsen
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."
“Thank you, the day after Thanksgiving, or as the makers of sweatpants call it, 'the busy season.'" — Jimmy Fallon
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Lana Turner
"You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jelly beans."
— Ronald Reagan
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
Albert Einstein
"As a child, my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it."
— Buddy Hackett
"Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome."
- Oscar Levant
“When I was 16 I worked in a pet store, and they fired me because . . . they had three snakes, and one day I braided them.” – Steven Alexander Wright
“Abs are temporary. Chocolate is forever.”
― Unknown
“Turkey: A large bird whose flesh, when eaten on certain religious anniversaries, has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude.” —Ambrose Bierce
"Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen." - Mark Twain
"I am proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is I could be just as proud for half of the money."
- Arthur Godfrey
“Whenever I travel with my 4 young kids I always forget something. Like how stupid it is to travel with 4 young kids.”
– Jim Gaffigan
"If we shake out all of the crumbs from all of the keyboards in the world, we can end world hunger."
— Matthew Dolkart
“What do dogs do on their day off? Can’t lie around – that’s their job.”
- George Carlin.
"I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity." - Edgar Allen Poe
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz
"Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly payment is due." ~Author Unknown
“New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time — most, unsolved.”
Johnny Carson
“When late morning rolls around and you’re feeling a bit out of sorts, don’t worry; you’re probably just a little eleven o’clockish.”
– Unknown
“If everything comes your way, you are in the wrong lane.”
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”
- Wayne H
“Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.” —Jeff Valdez
"I'm so conflicted when my husband does the laundry. On one hand, he did the laundry. On the other, my clothes can now be sold at Gap Kids." - Molly McNearney
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.
Albert Einstein
“A photographer gets people to pose for him. A yoga instructor gets people to pose for themselves.” — Terri Guillemets
"And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it."
“My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.”—Dr. Joyce Brothers
Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich. -- Napoleon
“If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it." ~Author Unknown
I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat.
Will Rogers
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
"I believe that the good Lord gave us a finite number of heartbeats and I'm damned if I'm going to use up mine running up and down a street."
Neil Armstrong
“Good weather all week, but come the weekend, and the weather stinks. When the weather is too hot, they complain; too cold, they complain; and when it’s just right, they’re watching TV.”
— Rita Rudner
"In the morning a man walks with his whole body; in the evening, only with his legs."
— Ralph Waldo Emerson
"At age 20, we worry about what others think of us… at age 40, we don’t care what they think of us… at age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all." - Ann Landers
"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"
“Why do they call it ‘beauty sleep’ when you wake up looking like a troll.”
– Unknown
“When preparing to travel, lay out all your clothes and all your money. Then take half the clothes and twice the money.”
— Susan Heller
“The Government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend upon the support of Paul.”
– George Bernard Shaw
"It's rude to count people as you pass them. Out loud."
From an Adidas ad
"The only b.s I need is bikini and sandals"
"Older people shouldn't eat health food. They need all the preservatives they can get." —Robert Orben
"Taxes grow without rain."
- Jewish Proverb