“There are only two seasons – winter and Baseball.” – Bill Veeck
"We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle."
- Winston Churchill
"There's one good thing about snow, it makes your lawn look as nice as your neighbor's."
- Clyde Moore
“Sagittarians are not normally sentimental; however, they can get really attached to a favorite sweater that has seen better days.”
— Therrie Rosenvald
“Dogs laugh, but they laugh with their tails.”
- Max Eastman.
“Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.” - Larry Lorenzon
I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress. -- Ronald Reagan
“Plant carrots in January and you’ll never have to eat carrots.”
— Anonymous
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"
“If you don’t annoy your big sister for no good reason from time to time, she thinks you don’t love her anymore.”—Pearl Cleage
"Before I speak, I have something important to say."
"A change of latitude would help my attitude."
“Behind every successful woman is a best friend giving her crazy ideas.”
— Unknown
"If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times: Don’t exaggerate!"
Anonymous
“Good morning. Keep calm and pretend it’s not Monday.”
“As wonderful as dogs can be, they are famous for missing the point.”—Jean Ferris
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw
“You want to know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
"The first thing you learn in life is you’re a fool. The last thing you learn in life is you’re the same fool."
Anonymous
"A man should never plant a garden larger than his wife can take care of."
- T.H. Everett
"I bought my wife a ticket to go on a cruise. It's no Titanic, but I'm optimistic."
“Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.”
- Nia Vardalos.
"To lose weight, spend time at the gym. To appear like you've lost weight, spend time with people who are bigger than you."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"
"A Cancer's bed is their sanctuary. Therefore, if you can't find them, look under the down comforter."
— Unknown
Tim Vine
grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance waiting for the bathroom.
“My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.”—Dr. Joyce Brothers
"Thirty ways to shape up for summer. Number one: eat less. Number two: exercise more. Number three: what was I talking about again? I’m so hungry"
– Maria Bamford
“At the end of a rainbow, there’s a pot of gold. But when the weekend comes to an end, there’s only a Monday.”
“Dear Monday, my mama doesn’t like you and she likes everyone.”
“A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don’t have a J.O.B.” – Fats Domino
"The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax."
- Albert Einstein
“One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important.” — Bertrand Russell
“Yoga pants. Because jeans are stressful and you don’t need that in your life.” -Unknown
"I would like to find a stew that will give me heartburn immediately, instead of at three o'clock in the morning."
– John Barrymore
"Start slow, then taper off."
Walt Stack
“At some point in life, the world’s beauty becomes enough.”
“My family is really boring. They have a coffee table book called Pictures We Took Just to Use Up the Rest of the Film.”
- Penelope Lombard.
“When Chuck Norris does yoga, the sun salutes him.” – Unknown
“If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.”
Billy Wilder
"I can't wait to start blaming my normal lack of productivity on it being summer"
"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"
“A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.” - Jerry Seinfeld
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”—George Burns
“I don’t want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their job.”
Samuel Goldwyn
“I want to tell you about the "sausage principle." The theory says, "If you love something, never try to find out how it is done."”
― Unknown
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
“If any of you cry at my funeral I’ll never speak to you again.”
Stan Laurel
“A day without yoga is like a sundae without sprinkles” — Emma Mildon
"The only b.s I need is bikini and sandals"