“No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
- Fran Lebowitz
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
"I need summer to be longer so I have more time to do nothing"
“Coworkers are like Christmas lights. They hang together, half of them don’t work and the other half aren’t so bright.” – Anonymous
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that, five or six days later, you're hungry again."
– George Miller
“It’s a shame that the only thing a man can do for eight hours a day is work. He can’t eat for eight hours; he can’t drink for eight hours; he can’t make love for eight hours. The only thing a man can do for eight hours is work.” — William Faulkner
“I need to get up; my coffee needs me.”
— Unknown
"I don't eat lobsters, shrimp, or crawfish because I don't eat anything that looks like I should step on it."
— George Carlin
“Cancers are Moonchildren; totally influenced by the waxing and waning cycles of the Moon. Asking them to remain in one feeling, one mood, or one state of mind is pure insanity.”
— Sherene Schostak
“If you have friends who are as weird as you, then you have everything.”
— Unknown
“It snowed last year too: I made a snowman and my brother knocked it down and I knocked my brother down and then we had tea.”
– Dylan Thomas
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.”
George Burns
“Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.”—Chelsea Handler
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”—Ogden Nash
“Monday I shall slay thee with my mighty cup of coffee.”
"I have been to almost as many places as my luggage."
“Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?”—Janet Periat
"I’m 59 and people call me middle-aged. How many 118-year-old men do you know?"- Barry Cryer
Steven Wright
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
“On the internet, you can be anything you want. It’s strange that so many people choose to be stupid.”
Anonymous
"Day in and day out, your tax accountant can make or lose more money than any single person in your life with the possible exception of your kids."
― Harvey Mackay
“Stretch marks are just rad lil’ lightning strikes here to remind you that you are a force of nature.”
“There are more airplanes in the water than there are submarines in the sky.”
Anonymous
“If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.” — Woody Allen
"Run like you stole something."
Unknown
“In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this.”
- Terry Pratchett.
"You can close your eyes and imagine yourself in a relaxing place. Like on your sofa, not doing yoga."
- Grant Tucke
“A father is someone who carries pictures in his wallet where his money used to be” — unknown
"Know your worth, and then make sure to add tax."
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.”—Kathy Mohnke
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."
"Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.” ~ Benjamin Franklin
“Everything goes better with tacos.”
― Rachel Caine
“Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.”
– William Shakespeare
“I believe someone made a grievous mistake when summer was created; no novitiate or god in their right mind would make a season akin to hell on purpose. Someone should be fired.”
― Michelle Franklin
“I don’t like when I'm all stress-free and peacefully relaxing on the couch and then, out of nowhere, Monday comes along and punches you right off the couch!”
"The difference between death and taxes is death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets."
- Will Rogers
"The dumbest people I know are those who Know It All."
– Malcolm Forbes
“Yoga is too slow.” — Rob Gronkowski
"Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once." - Dave Barry
“How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?”
- Michael, ‘Three Men And A Baby.’
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
Robin Williams
“I do Yoga to relieve stress… Just kidding I drink wine in yoga pants.” — Anonymous
“Monday: One of those days when even when your coffee needs a coffee.”
"When your “mom voice” is so loud even the neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed." - Unknown
"It’s easy to meet expenses, everywhere we go, there they are." ~ Anonymus
“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.”
Mark Twain
"When you see a couple walking down the street holding hands and laughing, you look over to your side and the only thing you're holding is a half-eaten sandwich."
— Violet Matters
A child is a curly, dimpled lunatic.
Ralph Waldo Emerson