“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
“The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What’s the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you’d get a pulse.” — Dennis Miller
“Sending your kids to summer camp teaches them important life lessons... like, ‘You can deal with your problems by sending them to summer camp.’”
- Ari Fishbein.
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
Rodney Dangerfield
"The first 40 years of parenthood are always the hardest." – Unknown
“If I could be half the person my dog is, I’d be twice the human I am.”—Charles Yu
Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?
Benny Hill
“Money doesn’t solve all problems but it could solve my money problem.” – Anonymous
“Never underestimate a child’s ability to get into more trouble.”
- Martin Mull.
“Love and sausage are alike. Can never have enough of either.”
— Trixie Koontz
“I hate mornings and Mondays. And working. But other than that I am entirely happy.”
"Most people work just hard enough to not get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit." ~ George Carline
“My dad used to say, ‘Always fight fire with fire.’ Which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.”—Harry Hill
“My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he’s 97 years old and we have no clue where he is.”
“They can't collect legal taxes from illegal money."
— Al Capone
“One would be in less danger, from the wiles of the stranger, if one’s own kin and kith, were more fun to be with.”
- Ogden Nash
"If you start to feel good during an ultra, don't worry, you will get over it."
Gene Thibeault
"A slice of pie without cheese is like a kiss without a squeeze."
— Stephen King
“Dear Monday, I want to break up. I’m seeing Tuesday and dreaming about Friday. Sincerely, it’s not me, it’s you.”
“People are living longer than ever before, a phenomenon undoubtedly made necessary by the 30-year mortgage." ~Doug Larson
Robin Williams
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
“There is no such thing as bad weather, only different kinds of good weather.”
– John Ruskin
“Arguing with a fool proves there are two.”
– Doris M. Smith
“Millionaires don't use Astrology, billionaires do.”
― J.P. Morgan
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield
“This is the mondayest Monday that ever mondayed.”
“I can’t get out of bed on days when the temperature is less than my age.”
"Scorpios are powerful creatures who demand equally potent cocktails."
— Aliza Kelly
"It’s a funny thing about life, once you begin to take note of the things you are grateful for, you begin to lose sight of the things that you lack."
― Germany Kent
"There are two kinds of travel – first class and with children."
– Robert Benchley
“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge
“I thought I’d become an actress, but then I realized I eat too much.”
― Chelsea Handler
“There is nothing safer than flying, it’s crashing that is dangerous.”
- Theo Cowan
“My esteem in this country has gone up substantially. It is very nice now that when people wave at me, they use all their fingers.”
Jimmy Carter
“No man goes before his time—unless the boss leaves early.” — Groucho Marx
“Old people shouldn’t eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.” – Robert Orben
“Family is a blessing. Just keep saying that when you are irritated by something a family member says.”
- Marcelina Hardy
"Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional" - Chili Davis
“If you have friends who are as weird as you, then you have everything.”
— Unknown
"I didn’t get old on purpose, it just happened. If you’re lucky, it could happen to you." – Andy Ronney
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
Robin Williams
"A good run is like a cup of coffee. I'm much nicer after I've had one."
Unknown
“What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money." ~ Henny Youngman
"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
"A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken."
- James Dent
"America is a land of taxation that was founded to avoid taxation."
- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
“You are as helpful as a blister on a hike.”
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."
“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying.”
Woody Allen
“A dollar picked up in the road is more satisfaction to us than the 99 which we had to work for, and the money won at Faro or in the stock market snuggles into our hearts in the same way. ~Mark Twain