“Children really can brighten up a house, because they never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.” - Anonymous
"I always thought a yard was three feet, then I started mowing the lawn."
- C.E. Cowman
“Old people shouldn’t eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.” – Robert Orben
“My daughter just lost her first tooth, which is a very sweet moment for a dad. In retrospect, I do regret punching her so hard in the face.”
- Alan Cox.
“If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?”
- Will Rogers
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died."
~ Erma Bombeck
“Have leftover Eggo waffles from your Eleven Halloween costume? We’ll show you how to make it into Thanksgiving stuffing. After the break.” — John Mayer
"I'll have a double cappuccino, half-caf, non-fat milk, with enough foam to be aesthetically pleasing, but not so much that it would leave a mustache."
— Niles Crane
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
“I think yoga should be for everyone, not just the folks who change their name to something Hindu.” — Tara Stiles
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen
“Sometimes me think, ‘What is friend?’ Then me say, ‘Friend is someone to share the last cookie with.’”
— Cookie Monster
"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." —Alexander the Great
“I don’t have a lot of friends but I have the best friends because I choose quality over quantity.”
— Unknown
"I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30."
“People are living longer than ever before, a phenomenon undoubtedly made necessary by the 30-year mortgage." ~Doug Larson
"Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read." – George Burns
“Progress isn’t made by early risers. It’s made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something."
— Robert Heinlein
“I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.”
Unknown
“If Monday was a gift, I would happily return it to the person who gave it to me.”
“Having a child is liking getting a tattoo on your face. You better be committed.”
- 'Eat Pray Love'.
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." — Steve Martin
“I suppose I will die never knowing what pumpkin pie tastes like when you have room for it.” —Robert Brault
"Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line." -John Lyon
“We’ve all done this because we’re so mature. You see a cow on the side of the road, stick your head out the window and go, “Mooooo!” Like we expect the cow to think, “Hey, there’s another cow, driving that car! How can he afford that?”
- Garry Shandling.
"A tax cut to compensate for a tax increase is not a cut — it's a con."
— Tony Abbott
“Thanksgiving dinners take 18 hours to prepare. They are consumed in 12 minutes. Half-times take 12 minutes. This is not a coincidence.” —Erma Bombeck
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"
"When your “mom voice” is so loud even the neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed." - Unknown
George Burns
First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
"Snack time heals all wounds."
— Bridger Winegar
“Monday is great if I can spend it in bed. I’m a man of simple pleasures, really.”
– Arthur Darvill
“If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?”
– Albert Einstein
“Mondays are a lot like getting fat. They make you feel sad, sometimes angry and there is not much scope for liking either fat or Mondays for any reason.”
– Garry Moll
“Fact. Pisces is the most wobbly sign of the zodiac.”
— Mary English
“I’ve had entire relationships that didn’t get as far as these airport security checkpoints.”
— Michael LeRoux
"Money without brains is always dangerous." ~ Napoleon Hill
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Alan Dundes
“Business is the art of extracting money from another man’s pocket without resorting to violence." ~Max Amsterdam
Success is like toilet paper; it only seems important when you don’t have it.
Richard Jeni
"Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-brake on."
- Maxwell Maltz
“The best things in life are free, but sooner or later the government will find a way to tax them.”
"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it." —Lily Toml
"Families are like fudge ... mostly sweet with a few nuts." - Unknown
“The poor have more children, but the rich have more relatives.” – Unknown
“We’ve been friends for so long, I can’t remember which one of us is the bad influence.”
— Unknown
“This would be a much better world if more married couples were as deeply in love as they are in debt” – Earl Wilson
“A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.” —Dave Barry
"I'd like to connect with nature but there's no USB port" - Dan Masso