They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
Clint Eastwood
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Lana Turner
"I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth." — Chico Marx
“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” - Phyllis Diller
“Road Trips: Because they’re cheaper than therapy.”
“Is it Monday already? I’m almost positive I did not get my entire portion of the weekend.”
"Stupidity has a knack of getting its way."
- Albert Camus
“The waste of money cures itself, for soon there is no more to waste." ~M.W. Harrison
"Even if the farmer intends to loaf, he gets up in time to get an early start."
- E.W. Howe
"If it weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigeratir are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all"- Joey Adams
“I'm not napping this is savasana.”
- Berndt Vogel
“Good morning. Keep calm and pretend it’s not Monday.”
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single.” – Billy Crystal
“There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.”
Henry Kissinger
"If you can survive 11 days in cramped quarters with a friend and come out laughing, your friendship is the real deal."
— Oprah Winfrey
“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” – Bob Hope
"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."
“Always hike with someone in worse shape than you. The bears out there will know.”
"Ships at a distance have every man’s wish on board."
- Zora Neale Hurston
"I orchestrate my mornings to the tune of coffee."
– Terri Guillemets
“Weeds are nature’s graffiti.”
— Janice Maeditere
The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people. -- G. K. Chesterton
Woddy Allen
Honolulu – it’s got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife’s mother.
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?” — J. Paul Getty
“Being a mom means kids banging on the bathroom door like SWAT, asking for a drink, while you’re in the shower. And Dad is in the kitchen.” – @SarcasticMommy4
“Thank you, 2:30 in the morning, for always being the first sign that tomorrow’s gonna suck.”
Jimmy Fallon
“I find that ducks’ opinion of me is greatly influenced by whether I have bread."
- Mitch Hedberg
“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.”
Zach Galifianakis
“My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.” - Henry Youngman
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
“Doing nothing is very hard to do… you never know when you’re finished.” — Leslie Nielsen
"Americans will eat garbage provided you sprinkle it liberally with ketchup."
— Henry James
“Parenting Tip: If your child is crying, hold it close and whisper, 'You don’t have a clue what horrors this world holds.'”
- Rob Delaney.
“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”
– Mitch Hedburg
“Venice is like eating an entire box of chocolate liqueurs in one go.”
— Truman Capote
"I only workout, because I really really like donuts."
- Unknown
"Money is like a sixth sense – and you can’t make use of the other five without it." ~ William Somerset Maugham
"Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun." —Stephanie Ortiz
"I wish I was a postcard. For under a dollar, I could travel to any location in the world."
"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children." – Clarence Day
“When I’m under stress, I do yoga. It’s when I’m happiest that I have a problem with junk food.” — Britney Spears
"I despise the lottery. There’s less chance of you becoming a millionaire than there is of getting hit by a passing asteroid." ~ Unknown
"I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living. It's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, and that enables you to laugh at life's realities." - Dr. Seuss
“I would have made a terrible parent. The first time my child didn’t do what I wanted, I’d kill him.”
- Katherine Hepburn.
“Almost every Aquarius is a rebel. Give them a guide and they won’t follow it. Tell them there’s a dress code and they’ll show up wearing nothing at all.”
— Alex Dimitrov and Dorothea Lasky
“It snowed last year too: I made a snowman and my brother knocked it down and I knocked my brother down and then we had tea.”
– Dylan Thomas
“Climbing to the top of the mountain is fun, but everything is just downhill from there.”
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
“Scientists say the world is made of protons, neutrons, and electrons. they forgot to mention morons.”
Anonymous