“I would sooner be prime minister of the moon than run another marathon. I’ve been really lucky. I didn’t have any toenails fall off or anything disgusting like that. I still have all three nipples.”
– Ryan Reynolds, actor
"Between men and women, there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."
- Oscar Wilde
“There is no worse parent than an unhappy parent!”
― Rossana Condoleo
“If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of fun out of owning one.” —Andrew A. Rooney
“When asked about my hiking plan I answered “Let’s summit up”.”
“I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.”
- Dave Barry.
Summer should get a speeding ticket
“If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.”
Steven Wright
"When did my wild oats turn to prunes and all bran?"
- Lucy Parker
"I am not a glutton – I am an explorer of food."
– Erma Bombeck
“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.” - Phyllis Diller
“I work for myself, which is fun. Except when I call in sick, I know I’m lying. – Rita Rudner
"If all the rich people in the world divided up their money among themselves, there wouldn’t be enough to go around." ~ Christina Stead
"Woke up this morning with a terrific urge to lie in bed all day and read."
– Raymond Carver
"The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again."
Erma Bombeck
“Don't be so humble – you are not that great.”
Golda Meir
“I celebrated Thanksgiving the old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.” —Jon Stewart
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Alan Dundes
“Climbing to the top of the mountain is fun, but everything is just downhill from there.”
"If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire."
- George Carlin
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
Robin Williams
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”
Erma Bombeck
"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."
― Elbert Hubbard
“I travel a lot, I hate having my life disrupted by routine.”
– Caskie Stinnett
“You know, maybe this will be a good Thanksgiving. Just us and the kids. You cook and I’ll watch football with my pants open all day.” — Ray Romano, “Everybody Loves Raymond”
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well neither does bathing. That’s why we recommend it daily.” – Zig Ziglar
“A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.”
Graham Norton
“They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it.” Joseph Addison.
"There's lots of people in this world who spend so much time watching their health that they haven't the time to enjoy it." - Josh Billings
“I do yoga so that I can stay flexible enough to kick my own arse if necessary.” — Betsy Cañas Garmon
"My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something."
“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” - Jane Austen, 'Pride and Prejudice'
"If you can survive 11 days in cramped quarters with a friend and come out laughing, your friendship is the real deal."
— Oprah Winfrey
“I’ve never met an animal I didn’t like, and I can’t say the same thing about people.”
- Doris Day.
“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”—Groucho Marx
“Millionaires don't use Astrology, billionaires do.”
― J.P. Morgan
"You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake." – Bob Hope
"I am not an early bird or night owl; I’m some sort of permanently exhausted pigeon."
"When you’re older, Friday means less parking spots." - Larry David
"By 35, if I’m not engaged or already starting a family, I declare myself the aunt who’s always traveling & comes to family events tipsy."
Jonathan Swift
If at first you don’t succeed . . . so much for skydiving.
“Best friends know how crazy you are and still choose to be seen with you in public.”
— Unknown
“An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field.” — Niels Bohr
“In a household of toddlers and pets, we discover this rule of thumb about happy families, that they are least two-thirds incontinent.”
- Robert Brault.
“If you think about a Thanksgiving dinner, it’s really like making a large chicken.” —Ina Garten
"If you want your children to turn out well, spend twice as much time with them and half as much money."
– Abigail Van Buren
"You know you are getting old when everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work." - Hy Gardner
“If you know how many cupcakes I’m holding behind my back I’ll give you both of them.”
― Unknown
“The road to success is always under construction.”
“A baseball game is twice as much fun if you’re seeing it on the company’s time.” — William C. Feather