“Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you and scorn in the one ahead.”
— Mac McCleary
"The term “tax humor” is no doubt an oxymoron to many people; to the more cynical, it is an apt description of the entire tax code."
— John F. Lekel
"When I asked you to water the plants,
I did not expect you'd unzip your pants."
- Mike Garofalo
“An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.” —Irv Kupcinet
“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” —Anne Bancroft
“An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”—Agatha Christie.
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that, five or six days later, you're hungry again."
– George Miller
“My son is now an ‘entrepreneur.’ That’s what you’re called when you don’t have a job.” – Ted Turner
“It’s especially hard to admit that you made a mistake to your parents, because, of course, you know so much more than they do.”—Sean Covey, The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective Teens
"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
Robin Williams
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Jules Renard
"Staying in bed all day is my way of saving money." ~ Anonymous
“My friends and family always thought I was pretty funny, but I don’t know if they thought I was get-my-own-show funny.”
- Nick Kroll
"I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam."- George Carlin
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt." Charles M. Schulz, creator of Peanuts
“Love means never having to say “Should we get dessert?”
― Unknown
"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook"- Julia Child
"I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food."
— W.C. Fields
"The important thing to remember is that I’m probably going to forget." - Unknown
“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” – Jon Stewart
"We travel, initially, to lose ourselves, and we travel, next to find ourselves."
- Pico Iyer
“I was like, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' And I realized... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” — Margaret Cho
“Winter is nature’s way of saying, ‘Up yours.’”
"The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." — Samuel Taylor Coleridge
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
Frank Sinatra
"The holy passion of friendship is so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime if not asked to lend money."
— Mark Twain
"If cigarette taxes are meant to discourage smoking, wouldn’t income taxes discourage working?"
“I heard about a trend where, this Thanksgiving, people made tiny turkeys. You may know them by their other name: chicken!” — Jerry Seinfeld
“A snowball in the face is surely the perfect beginning to a lasting friendship.”
– Markus Zusak
“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend but it sure helps!”
— Unknown
“Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with." ~From a Washington Post word contest
"Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse."
"The most hopelessly stupid man is he who is not aware that he is wise."
Anonymous
"Family Vacation (n.) A time for you to remember why your family never spends any time together."
“The trouble with the IRS is that 90% of its members give the rest a bad name.”
“Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.”
Steve Martin
“I’m glad it’s finally hot enough to complain about how hot it is.”
“Some people can eat anything they want and stay slim. I put on weight just by reading the recipe.”
― Unknown
“I have such an ego ’cause I’m a double Leo. I can’t let go of me, you know, so it’s very difficult for me to be somebody else and not me. I’m so into me.”
— Paul Mooney
“Teach your kids to spend more time annoying each other so they have less time to spend annoying you.”—Unknown
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.”
Linda Grayson
Housework is for people who don’t know how to garden.”
— Anonymous
“Nutrition labels should include a “What if I ate the whole thing” section.”
― Unknown
“The archer will walk up to you, give you a hearty slap on the back and a wide, friendly grin. Then he’ll greet you with a remark like, ‘How the heck do you manage to look so young when you’re as old as you are?'”
— Linda Goodman
"The Thankstini: A fun and delicious new novelty drink I invented. Cranberry juice, potato vodka, and a bouillon cube. Tastes just like a turkey dinner." -Barney Stinson, How I Met Your Mother
"The more you know, the dumber you sound to stupid people."
Anonymous
“I don’t have a lot of friends but I have the best friends because I choose quality over quantity.”
— Unknown
“This would be a much better world if more married couples were as deeply in love as they are in debt” – Earl Wilson
"You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories." — Melanie Clark