“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”
Steven Wright
“I love airports because the rules of society don’t apply. Eat a pizza and have a glass of wine at 7 am while in track pants. Nobody cares.”
Unknown
“Marriage is a difficult project. When seven years have passed and all your body’s cells have been replaced, you’re meant to experience that seven-year itch.”
—Yoko Ono
"Children are a great comfort in your old age, and they help you reach it faster, too." – Lionel Kauffman
“I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.”
– Benjamin Franklin
"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time.”
Joe Girard
"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
“Weeds are nature’s graffiti.”
— Janice Maeditere
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner
“Winter blues are cured every time with a potato gratin paired with a roast chicken.”
– Alexandra Guarnaschelli
“Don’t wear perfume in the garden – unless you want to be pollinated by bees.”
— Anne Raver
“Yes officer I did see the speed limit sign, I just didn’t see you.”
"Being on vacation with my family has brought me so much closer to my iPad."
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
"Real gardeners buy at least ten thousand plants in the course of a lifetime without having the least idea where they'll put any of them when they get home."
— Anonymous
“A man’s womenfolk, whatever their outward show of respect for his merit and authority, always regard him secretly as an ass, and with something akin to pity.”
- H. L. Mencken.
“The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.”
Anonymous
“My relationships with my cats have saved me from a deadly, pervasive ignorance.”
- William S. Burroughs.
“Almost every Aquarius is a rebel. Give them a guide and they won’t follow it. Tell them there’s a dress code and they’ll show up wearing nothing at all.”
— Alex Dimitrov and Dorothea Lasky
“Is it snowing where you are? All the world that I see from my tower is draped in white and the flakes are coming down as big as pop-corns.” — Jean Webster
If you use the church's WiFi, are you receiving God's signal? -- Anonymous
"It is the dull man who is always sure and the sure man who is always dull."
— H.L. Mencken
“Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches.”
Unknown
“I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.”
Mitch Hedberg
"I love you with all my belly. I would say my heart, but my belly is bigger." - Unknown
“The waste of money cures itself, for soon there is no more to waste." ~M.W. Harrison
"The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax."
- Albert Einstein
“Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.”
Jerry Seinfeld
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
Rodney Dangerfield
“Marriage: sometimes soulmates, sometimes cellmates.”—Rory Elder
"When traveling with someone, take large doses of patience and tolerance with your morning coffee."
– Helen Hayes
"Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard there is nothing you can do about it." - Golda Meir
"Children aren’t happy without something to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for." – Ogden Nash
“The average vacation is one-tenth playing—nine-tenths paying.”
–Arnold Glasow
“Dear winter, stop being so romantic, I’m single here.”
“Have you ever noticed how parents can go from the most wonderful people in the world to totally embarrassing in three seconds?”—Rick Riordan, The Red Pyramid
"There is still no cure for the common birthday." - John Glenn
“I think we’ll be friends forever because we’re too lazy to find new friends.”
— Unknown
Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch. -- Robert Orben
"A journey is like marriage. The certain way to be wrong is to think you control it."
- John Steinbeck
“No matter how smart you are, you can never convince someone stupid that they are stupid.”
Anonymous
"Luck is a dividend of sweat. The more you sweat, the luckier you get."
~ Ray Kroc
“I can speak Esperanto like a native.”
Spike Milligan
"A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything done in the morning: We're government workers."
— Jay Leno
"The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time."
― Joe Girard
“My daughters only six months old and already drawing. I’d hang it on the fridge, but honestly, its absolute garbage.” – Ryan Reynolds
“Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own.”—Eddie Cantor
“I probably wouldn’t kill so many houseplants if they could scream for food and water the way my pets and children do.”
— Anonymous
“On my income tax 1040 it says “Check this box if you are blind.” I wanted to put a check-mark about three inches away.”
– Tom Lehrer