“Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.”
Dale Carnegie
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home."
– Robert Orben
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”
Buddy Hackett
"Money doesn’t change you. It reveals who you are when you no longer have to be nice." ~ Tim Ferriss
"I love those days when my only decision is whether to go to the beach in the morning or in the afternoon."
“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.” – Nate Smith
“Life is like pocket money. You shouldn't spend it all in one place.”
― Julian Talbot
“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.” — Homer Simpson
“A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawnmower is broken.”
– James Dent
“There. Right there is where you lost your darn mind!”
“Having those weird conversations with your friend and thinking “if anyone heard us, we’d be put in a mental facility.”
— Unknown
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
- Joan Crawford
“Maybe Monday doesn’t like you either.”
“I like football. I find it’s an exciting strategic game. It’s a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.” —Craig Ferguson
"I go to the gym three days a week. You have to or else - I don't want to be the guy that dies shoveling snow."
- Douglas Coupland
“When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?'”
Sydney J. Harris
All my friends complaint about not feeling good, and are freaking out about their lives, and I’m just like, “There’s Yoga pose for that!” — Unknown
"I'll have a double cappuccino, half-caf, non-fat milk, with enough foam to be aesthetically pleasing, but not so much that it would leave a mustache."
— Niles Crane
"I just want someone to look at me the way I look at food."
— Unknown
Christianity is the strangest religion ever set up, for it committed a murder upon Jesus in order to redeem mankind from the sin of eating an apple. -- Thomas Paine
“Every man is a d*** fool for at least five minutes every day; wisdom consists in not exceeding the limit.”
― Elbert Hubbard
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
“It’s amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!” — Milton Berle
“Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.”
Benjamin Franklin
“I thought I’d never be that annoying person, but as soon as Winnie was born, I was showing iPhone snaps to a cab driver.”
- Jimmy Fallon.
“You fool! You’re 30 cents away from having a quarter!” –Sweet Dick Willie (Robin Harris)Do the Right Thing
"A tax is a fine for doing well, a fine is a tax for doing wrong."
— Mark Twain
“If you think about a Thanksgiving dinner, it’s really like making a large chicken.” —Ina Garten
“Having children is like living in a frat house — nobody sleeps, everything s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.”
- Ray Romano.
"If love is the answer, could you please re-phrase the question?"
- Lily Tomlin
“If you need me, I’ll be inside until April.”
“Monday I shall slay thee with my mighty cup of coffee.”
"As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer." - Robert Quillen"
"Don’t forget to drink water and get some sun. You’re basically a houseplant with more complicated emotions."
"Popcorn for breakfast! Why not? It’s a grain. It’s like, like, grits, but with high self-esteem."
– James Patterson
“When it snows you have two choices. Shovel or snow angels.”
“If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.”
Billy Wilder
“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” - Molly McGee
"Money without brains is always dangerous." ~ Napoleon Hill
"I have no plants in my house. They won't live for me. Some of them don't even wait to die, they commit suicide."
- Jerry Seinfeld
“Never underestimate a child’s ability to get into more trouble.”
- Martin Mull.
"At my age, flowers scare me." - George Burns
“All my life I thought air was free until I bought a bag of chips.”
― Unknown
“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” - Jane Austen, 'Pride and Prejudice'
All gardeners know better than other gardeners.”
— Chinese Proverb
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." — Francois de la Rochefoucauld
“If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn’t lead anywhere.” – Frank A. Clark
"Once the travel bug bites there is no known antitode, and I know that I shall be happily infected until the end of my life."
- Michael Palin
“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.” — Henry Kissenger