"A bad day at sea is still better than a good day at work."
"I am the friend you have to explain to your other friends before they meet me."
— Unknown
“Whenever I’m sad, you’re there. Whenever I’m having problems you are always there. Whenever my life seems out of control, you are always there. Let’s face it. You are bad luck.”
— Unknown
“I tried every diet that was in the book, I tried some that weren’t in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets.”
Dolly Parton
“I’m not retiring, I am graduating . . . retirement means that you’ll just go ahead and live on your laurels and surf all day in Oceanside. It ain’t going to happen.” – Junior Seau
“I’m not aging, I just need repotting.”
— Anonymous
"Love is a lot like a toothache. It doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there."
- George Burns.
"Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands - and then eat just one of the pieces."
— Judith Viorst
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
"A truly appreciative child will break, lose, spoil, or fondle to death any really successful gift within a matter of minutes." – Russell Lynes
“Never take a job where winter winds can blow up your pants.”
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
Thanksgiving sucks where it is now. It’s too close to Christmas. We don’t need back-to-back holidays where we go home and sleep on a twin bed after mainlining gravy.” — Seth Meyers
“Good friends don’t let you do stupid things… alone.”
— Unknown
“The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.”
Demetri Martin
"The most hopelessly stupid man is he who is not aware that he is wise."
Anonymous
"My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people."
— Orson Welles
“Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you later.”
- Mary Bly.
"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."
- Mae West
"The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again."
Erma Bombeck
“Love means never having to say “Should we get dessert?”
― Unknown
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth
“I do yoga to burn off the crazy” — Anonymous
“When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?'”
Sydney J. Harris
“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” – Jerry Seinfeld
“From the ages of eight to 18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
Jarod Kintz
"Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener."
- Pauline Thomason
“It’s always darkest before the dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.”
Navjot Singh Sidhu
“How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.”
Emo Philips
“Roadtripophobia (n.) The fear of not having any road trips currently booked.“
“Every day is National Donut Day if you put your mind to it.”
― Unknown
“Me to my students every day: Close your eyes. If you can still see me, it could be a sign that your eyes are still open.” – Unknown
“Let a man walk ten miles steadily on a hot summer’s day along a dusty English road, and he will soon discover why beer was invented.”
- Gilbert K. Chesterton
“Never underestimate the therapeutic power of driving and listening to very loud music.”
“If I was elected president, the first thing I would do would be to eliminate all Mondays and lengthen the weekend one more day.”
“All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“The waste of money cures itself, for soon there is no more to waste." ~M.W. Harrison
"Physically I’m here. Mentally I’m in a pool in Bali ordering my third mojito."
“Saw a chameleon today so I'm assuming it wasn't a very good one." - Unknown Author
"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook"- Julia Child
“I tried yoga once but took off for the mall halfway through class, as I had a sudden craving for a soft pretzel and world peace.” – Terri Guillemets
"Life is too short for self-hatred and celery sticks."
– Marilyn Wann
“Good morning world! Your little ray of sarcastic sunshine has arrived.”
– Unknown
“Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.”
—Doug Larson
“People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up.” – Ogden Nash
“Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.”
- Nia Vardalos.
“The only thing I like better than talking about food is eating.”
— John Walters
"Technology is getting smarter and smarter: smartphones, smartwatches, smart homes… Only people remain stupid no matter what."
- Anna LeMind
"Like gum to a shoe, you’re stuck with me and I’m stuck with you."
“Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.”
Francois de La Rochefoucauld