“Cauliflower is a cabbage with a college education.”
— Mark Twain
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.”
— Douglas Adams
“The worst part of online shopping is having to get up and get your credit card from your purse.”
Unknown
“I like long walks especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Fred Allen
“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker
“An addiction to gardening is not all bad when you consider all the other choices in life.”
— Cora Lea Bell
"Parenting is basically just listening to yourself talk because nobody else is." - Unknown
"A person doesn't know how much he has to be thankful for until he has to pay taxes on it."
- Ann Landers
"I feel like most of my work problems could be solved with a trip to…anywhere."
“If A equals success, then the formula is A = X + Y + Z. Where X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut.” — Albert Einstein
"They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it." ~ Joseph Addison
“On Thanksgiving Day we acknowledge our dependence.” —William Jennings Bryan
“I’m totally ‘that dad’ who leaves a note in my son’s lunch box. One day I’ll actually start putting food in there also.”
- Steve Ryan.
"My routine is to ride that snooze button as far as it will take me, take a quick shower, get dressed in the dark and bolt out the door."
— Willie Geist
"Love may be the best driving wheel, but anger is a pretty good second."
– Steven Tyler
“My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he’s 97 years old and we have no clue where he is.”
"Yesterday I read the horoscope and it was written:" Born of Gemini will be happy in 2018. "I was very sad that I didn't have a twin."
“I think the family is the place where the most ridiculous and least respectable things in the world go on.”
- Ugo Betti
“I’m like Pacman when I’m at a party, I eat everything and run away from anyone coming close to me.”
― Unknown
Success is like toilet paper; it only seems important when you don’t have it.
Richard Jeni
"Self-care is giving the world the best of you instead of what’s left of you."
— Katie Reed
“When I was young I thought money was the most important thing in life; now that I’m old, I know it is." ~ Oscar Wilde
“Thanksgiving is America’s national chow-down feast, the one occasion each year when gluttony becomes a patriotic duty.” —Michael Dresser
“No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.”
- Kin Hubbard.
“Aquarians are sort of unorthodox, original people — sort of wack, witty mad-caps who refuse to follow the crowd and go their own way.”
— Joanna Martine Woolfolk
Stuart Turner“
“I tell you what always catches my eye. Short people with an umbrella.”
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and by then it was too late.
Max Kaufman
“If the winter is too cold and the summer is too hot, you are not a hiker.”
“When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.”
"Children are a great comfort in your old age, and they help you reach it faster, too." – Lionel Kauffman
“At some point in life, the world’s beauty becomes enough.”
“By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.” — Robert Frost
“The most delightful advantage of being bald—one can hear snowflakes.”
– R. G. Daniels
"If you don’t drink, smoke, or drive a car, you’re a tax evader."
– Thomas S Foley
"Is taco yoga a thing yet? Someone get on that."
- Chisty Lowe
“Dear Mondays, I really think that you should take a holiday. Believe me, no one will even miss you.”
“Let’s face it, I only practice yoga because the classes are always packed with beautiful women.” — Adam Levine
"A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill except for learning how to grow in rows."
- Doug Larson
“There’s no “we” in ice cream.”
― Unknown
“Size isn’t everything. The whale is endangered, while the ant continues to do just fine.”
- Bill Vaughan.
“Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need most.” —Addison H. Hallock
“You find out who your real friends are when you’re involved in a scandal.”
— Elizabeth Taylor
“I have decided to cast my vote for any political candidate whose platform adds Monday to the weekend.”
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
“Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?”—Janet Periat
“Coworkers are like Christmas lights. They hang together, half of them don’t work and the other half aren’t so bright.” – Anonymous
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
“If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.”
Ann Landers
“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.”
― Charles M. Schulz