"Without ice cream, there would be darkness and chaos."
– Don Kardong
"Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy." ~ Groucho Marx
“I thought about losing weight once, but I don’t like losing.”
― Unknown
“Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.”
Francois de La Rochefoucauld
“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”
— Neil Simon
“Good mashed potato is one of the great luxuries of life.” —Lindsey Bareham
"I will never break up with my gym. We just seem to workout."
- Unknown.
“Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.”
- Ann Landers.
“Roadtripophobia (n.) The fear of not having any road trips currently booked.“
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell“Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.”
- Gracie Allen
“Ah, summer, what power you have to make us suffer and like it.”
-Russell Baker
"When we put vegetables up for the winter, we use jars, but we call it canning. I find that jarring. And uncanny."
– Greg Tamblyn
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
Sigmund Freud
Jonathan Swift
If at first you don’t succeed . . . so much for skydiving.
At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?
Zach Galifianakis
“I just wanna kick it in the woods with my birches.”
"The holy passion of friendship is so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime if not asked to lend money."
— Mark Twain
“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.”
– Betty Reese
"The important thing to remember is that I’m probably going to forget." - Unknown
“You are as helpful as a blister on a hike.”
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
George Carlin
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. Jim Carrey
“I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.”
Mitch Hedberg
"When future archaeologists dig up the remains of California, they're going to find all of those gyms, their scary-looking gym equipment, and they're going to assume that we were a culture obsessed with torture."
- Douglas Coupland
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin
“If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.”
- Bette Davis.
“It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.”- Muhammad Ali
“Unfortunately, I did not become a millionaire over the weekend, so I have to return to work on Monday.”
“In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat.”
- Anna Quindlen
“You can always tell when a man's well informed. His views are pretty much like your own.”
H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
"If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools."
- Katherine Mansfield
“When there’s snow on the ground L like to pretend I'm walking on clouds.”
“Money isn’t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children." ~ J. Paul Getty
"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children." – Clarence Day
“The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.”
- Paul Reiser.
"Love is a lot like a toothache. It doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there."
- George Burns.
"The Thankstini: A fun and delicious new novelty drink I invented. Cranberry juice, potato vodka, and a bouillon cube. Tastes just like a turkey dinner." -Barney Stinson, How I Met Your Mother
“What we’re really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?” — Erma Bombeck
“Monday: One of those days when even when your coffee needs a coffee.”
If there were no God, there would be no atheists. -- G. K. Chesterton
"Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing." —Redd Foxx
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
"The income tax created more criminals than any other single act of government."
- Barry Goldwater
“If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?”
– Albert Einstein
"Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park." - Anonymous
“Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty.”
- Julia Roberts.
“Money is something you have to make in case you don’t die.” Max Asnas.
Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.
Oscar Wilde
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
Jerry Seinfeld
“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”