“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.” — Oscar Wilde
“I used to work at McDonald’s making minimum wage. You know what thay means? You know what your boss was trying to say? It’s like, ‘Hey if I could pay you less, I would, but it’s against the law.’” – Chris Rock
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”
- Ernest Hemingway.
"There is a very easy way to return from a casino with a small fortune: go there with a large one." ~ Jack Yelton
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt."
— Charles M. Shulz
“It’s Thanksgiving, and we should not want to be together, together!” —Rachel Green, Friends
"You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks." - Joel Plaskett
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”
- Rodney Dangerfield.
“Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow." ~ Martin Sheen
"Once the travel bug bites there is no known antitode, and I know that I shall be happily infected until the end of my life."
- Michael Palin
"Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory"- Albert Schweitzer
“A day without laughter is a day wasted.”
Charlie Chaplin
“I love playing a dad. It’s hard to find family dramas that are genuinely funny.”
- Peter Gallagher
"Yoga is a way of getting totally drunk – not on alcohol but on life."
- Sadhguru
"We don’t grow older, we grow riper." - Pablo Picasso
Maybe this world is another planet's hell. -- Aldous Huxley
“Nothing burns like the cold.” — George R.R. Martin
“The trouble with the IRS is that 90% of its members give the rest a bad name.”
“Monday is great if I can spend it in bed. I’m a man of simple pleasures, really.”
– Arthur Darvill
“To a small child, the perfect grandad is unafraid of big dogs and fierce storms but absolutely terrified of the word “boo”.—Robert Breault
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
Albert Einstein
“A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don’t have a J.O.B.” – Fats Domino
“Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.”
- Martin Mull.
“My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he’s 97 years old and we have no clue where he is.”
"I feel like most of my work problems could be solved with a trip to…anywhere."
“I can’t cook a Thanksgiving dinner. All I can make is cold cereal and maybe toast.” —Charlie Brown
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
– Charles Schulz
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
“When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.”—Richard Lewis
“I figured out why Uncle Sam wears such a tall hat. It comes in handy when he passes it around.”
— Soupy Sales
“I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors.”
- Percy French.
“Best Friend: One million memories, ten thousand inside jokes, one hundred shared secrets.”
— Unknown
“The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it.” — Groucho Marx
“You grow up the day you have your first real laugh at yourself.”
Ethel Barrymore
"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."
- Amy Schumer
“How many God-fearing, tax-paying, law-abiding men in Las Vegas does it take to light a bonfire? Both of them.”
"Europeans: I drove 40 minutes to spend the weekend in Paris, then popped to Germany to visit family on the way home. Australians: I was in Queensland and drove for 18 hours. Now I’m still in Queensland."
“Mondays are mundane, like Tuesdays minus 24 hours.”
— Jarod Kintz
"Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That's a red flag."
― Jay Leno
“You are one yoga class away from a good mood.” – Unknown
"If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards." — J.A. Redmerski
“Why is Monday so far from Friday? And why is Friday so close to Monday?”
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
"It's amazing how much stuff we get done the day before vacation?"
- Zig Ziglar
"You get two for the price of one when you are a Gemini."
— Karan Johar
"Red meat is not bad for you. Now blue-green meat, that's bad for you!" - Tommy Smothers
"If found on ground, please drag to finish line."
From a runner's T-shirt
""Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest." - Larry Lorenzoni