“Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.” – Will Rogers
“Excercise? I thought you said extra fries.”
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?"
~ J. Paul Getty
“Candy is nature’s way of making up for Mondays.”
— Rebecca Gober
“I like long walks especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Fred Allen
"The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again."
Erma Bombeck
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
“I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.”- Erik Satie
"I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks."
— Totie Fields
“I’m glad I don’t have to hunt my own food, I don’t even know where sandwiches live.”
― Unknown
“I always carry a knife in my purse, just in case we’re having cake.”
― Unknown
“You grow up the day you have your first real laugh at yourself.”
Ethel Barrymore
"The term “tax humor” is no doubt an oxymoron to many people; to the more cynical, it is an apt description of the entire tax code."
— John F. Lekel
“Do what we can, summer will have its flies.”
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early"
"If God invented marathons to keep people from doing anything more stupid, the triathlon must have taken him completely by surprise."
P.Z. Pearce
"Never eat more than you can lift"- Miss Piggy.
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"I tried every diet in the book. I tried some that weren't in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets."- Dolly Parton
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
“You define a good flight by negatives: you didn’t get hijacked, you didn’t crash, you didn’t throw up, you weren’t late, you weren’t nauseated by the food. So you are grateful.”
– Paul Theroux
“Never let your friends be lonely…. Disturb them all the time.”
— Unknown
On the other hand, the Bible contains much that is relevant today, like Noah taking 40 days to find a place to park. -- Curtis McDougall
“I am your best friend, and there isn’t anything you can do about it!”
— Unknown
"Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks."
- Bauvard
“It is better to have one person working with you than three people working for you.” — Dwight D. Eisenhower
“Sending your kids to summer camp teaches them important life lessons... like, ‘You can deal with your problems by sending them to summer camp.’”
- Ari Fishbein.
Adolescence: A stage between infancy and adultery
Kevin Goldstein-Jackson
“If you think money doesn’t grow on trees, you ain’t checking every limb.” – Chamillionaire
"Driving is a spectacular form of amnesia. Everything is to be discovered, everything to be obliterated."
– Jean Baudrillard
"A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short." — Andre Maurois
“Sagittarians are not normally sentimental; however, they can get really attached to a favorite sweater that has seen better days.”
— Therrie Rosenvald
"The 12-step chocoholics program: Never be more than 12 steps away from chocolate!"
— Terry Moore
“Respect your parents. These guys pay for your internet.”—Unknown
“I do an hour’s yoga and go running everyday. Then I see a picture of myself and I still look like a skinny, pot bellied idiot — and I thought I had turned into this superhunk!” — Chris Martin
"I love those days when my only decision is whether to go to the beach in the morning or in the afternoon."
“Old age is an excellent time for outrage. My goal is to say or do at least one outrageous thing every week.” - Maggie Kuhn
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all things that make you want to live to be a hundred." - Woody Allen
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
"Warning... I'm exercising, eating right and watching my alcohol intake... which means I'm sober, I'm cranky and I'm sore, so proceed with caution!"
“I am responsible for what I say but I’m not responsible for what you understand.”
Anonymous
“Never stand between a dog and the fire hydrant.”—John Peer
“Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.” —Jeff Valdez
“They can't collect legal taxes from illegal money."
— Al Capone
“I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors.”
- Percy French.
“No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
- Fran Lebowitz
“No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!” - Homer Simpson
Don’t be distracted by criticism. Remember, the only taste of success some people get is to take a bite out of you.” – Zig Ziglar
“I take my pet lion to church every Sunday. He has to eat.”
- Marty Pollio.
“The happiness of the bee and the dolphin is to exist. For man, it is to know that and to wonder at it.”
- Jacques Yves Cousteau.
“All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening.” —Alexander Woollcott