“A good friend will always stab you in the front.”
— Oscar Wilde
“You are in control. Never allow your Monday to be manic.”
— Andrea L’Artiste
"Behind every successful man is a woman; behind her is his wife."
"When future archaeologists dig up the remains of California, they're going to find all of those gyms, their scary-looking gym equipment, and they're going to assume that we were a culture obsessed with torture."
- Douglas Coupland
“I don’t understand people who don’t touch their pets. Their cat or dog is called a pet for a reason.”
- Jarod Kintz.
"Is taco yoga a thing yet? Someone get on that."
- Chisty Lowe
"Children are a great comfort in your old age, and they help you reach it faster, too." – Lionel Kauffman
“Beaver do better work than the Corps of Engineers.”
- Mike Todd.
“From birth to age 18, a girl needs good parents, from 18 to 35 she needs good looks, from 35 to 55 she needs a good personality, and from 55 on she needs cash.” – Sophie Tucker
“When life gives you Monday, dip it in glitter and sparkle all day.”
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz
“Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.” - Larry Lorenzon
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." — Steve Martin
“I celebrated Thanksgiving the old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.” —Jon Stewart
“Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.”
- Ann Landers.
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbour. Catch the winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."
- Mark Twain
"I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
Rodney Dangerfield
“Aquarians are sort of unorthodox, original people — sort of wack, witty mad-caps who refuse to follow the crowd and go their own way.”
— Joanna Martine Woolfolk
"I consider my refusal to go to the gym today as resistance training ."
- Immortal Souls.
"Run like hell and get the agony over with."
Clarence DeMar
“He who marries for love without money has good nights and sorry days.” – Anonymous
“If you can walk away from a landing, it’s a good landing. If you can use the aircraft the next day, it’s an outstanding landing.”
- Chuck Yeager
"Mom Pro Tip – If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself." – Unknown
“I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too—for being married so many times.” —Elizabeth Taylor
"Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it."
Anonymous
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.” – Nate Smith
“Intaxication: That nice feeling you get when you receive a tax refund until you realize it was your own money in the first place.”
"What did the yogi tell the door-to-door salesperson who came to his home selling vacuum cleaners? Too many attachments!"
- Sadhana Yoga
"Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one." — Benjamin Franklin
“As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.”
Sir Norman Wisdom
“There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage” — James Holt McGavran
A good speech should be like a woman's skirt: long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest.
Winston Churchill
“No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
- Fran Lebowitz
“I don’t like Sunday nights because you have to wake up to a Monday morning.”
“Sometimes I’m so tired, I look down at what I’m wearing, and if it’s comfortable enough to sleep in, I don’t even make it into my pajamas. I’m looking down, and I’m like T-shirt and stretchy pants? Yup, that’s pajama-y. Good night.”
Rebecca Romijn
“A lot of people like snow. I find it to be an unnecessary freezing of water.”
– Carl Reiner
"Humor keeps us alive. Humor and food. Don't forget food. You can go a week without laughing."
— Joss Whedon
“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.” — Homer Simpson
"People ask me what I’d most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit." - George Burns
“The road to success is always under construction.”
“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”
Groucho Marx
"Eating words has never given me indigestion." —Winston Churchill
“A best friend is someone who, when they don’t understand, they still understand."
— Nancy Werlin
“Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.”
- Albert Einstein
"The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him." — Oscar Wilde
"A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short." — Andre Maurois
"If you can count your money, you don’t have a billion dollars." ~ J. Paul Getty
“I don’t need the facts. I’m a Pisces.”
— Phil Volatile