“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
~ Drew Carey
"I'll have a double cappuccino, half-caf, non-fat milk, with enough foam to be aesthetically pleasing, but not so much that it would leave a mustache."
— Niles Crane
"Go, and never darken my towels again."
“The more excited the rooster gets, the higher his voice goes. He’s got a little bit of a Barney Fife quality to him.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
“Only your real friends will tell you when your face is dirty.”
— Sicilian Proverb
"Physically I’m here. Mentally I’m in a pool in Bali ordering my third mojito."
"Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wall Mart Street." ~ Jay Leno
"Time wounds all heels."
"It's fun to complain with someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything." Lew Schneider
"Ships at a distance have every man’s wish on board."
- Zora Neale Hurston
“I can’t cook a Thanksgiving dinner. All I can make is cold cereal and maybe toast.” —Charlie Brown
“If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.”
Lawrence Ferlinghetti
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”
—P.J. O’Rourke
“No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
- Fran Lebowitz
“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” - Jane Austen, 'Pride and Prejudice'
“If being awesome was a crime, I would be serving a life sentence.”
Anonymous
"I have reached an age when, if someone tells me to wear socks, I don’t have to." - Albert Einstein
"Stupidity has a knack of getting its way."
- Albert Camus
“I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.”
Unknown
“When it comes to taxes, there are two types of people. There are those that get it done early, also known as ‘psychopaths’, and then the rest of us.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
“I celebrated Thanksgiving the old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.” —Jon Stewart
"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." — Unknown
“Don’t worry if people think you’re crazy. You are crazy. You have that kind of intoxicating insanity that lets other people dream outside of the lines and become who they’re destined to be.”
— Jennifer Elisabeth
Claude Pepper
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
Mae West
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them." - George Bernard Shaw
“The Thanksgiving tradition is, we overeat. ‘Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?’ ‘But we do that every day!’ ‘Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?'”—Jim Gaffigan
“If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad, he should see how bad it is with representation.”
– Farmer’s Almanac
“The best babysitters, of course, are the baby’s grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.”—Dave Barry
"If you can survive 11 days in cramped quarters with a friend and come out laughing, your friendship is the real deal."
— Oprah Winfrey
“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.”
Rodney Dangerfield
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe? -- Quentin Crisp
“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.”
Les Dawson
“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair." ~Sam Ewing
“I’m staying in shape this winter by wearing enough layers to be constantly sweating.”
"Run like there's a hot guy in front of you and a creepy one behind you."
Unknown
“I like tea and yoga, but I don’t do yoga.” – Moby
“When I hear somebody sigh, “Life is hard”, I am always tempted to ask, “Compared to what?””
– Sydney Harris
“It’s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone.” - Andy Rooney
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”
Erma Bombeck
“Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.” - Joseph Barth
"Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun." —Stephanie Ortiz
“Aerodynamics are for people who can’t build engines.”
– Enzo Ferrari
“My friend was attacked by a duck. I yelled “duck!” to warn him, but it just made it worse.”
- Kelkulus.
“Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep.”—Unknown
"I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mum stay married for 33 years?’ And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.'"
- Gwyneth Paltrow
“To hike is to complain.” – Dean Johnston
"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it." - Henny Youngman