"I hate mornings, they start so early."
— Janet Evanovich
"I’m too busy working on my own grass to notice if yours is greener."
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz
“Forget champagne and caviar – taste the world instead!”
“Winter must be cold for those with no warm memories.”
– Deborah Kerr
“I would have made a terrible parent. The first time my child didn’t do what I wanted, I’d kill him.”
- Katherine Hepburn.
"My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit."
- Phyllis Dille
“Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own.”—Eddie Cantor
“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?”
– Milton Berle
"I don't tan. I burn"
“I do yoga so that I can stay flexible enough to kick my own arse if necessary.” — Betsy Cañas Garmon
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx
"There are many challenges to long distance running, but one of the greatest is the question of where to put one’s house keys."
Gabrielle Zevin
"A man should never plant a garden larger than his wife can take care of."
- T.H. Everett
“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” —Anne Bancroft
“Money can’t buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery." ~ Spike Milligan
“A man says a lot of things in summer he doesn’t mean in winter.” – Patricia Briggs
“It’s funny how your parents tell you it’s their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.”—Unknown
“Is it Monday already? I’m almost positive I did not get my entire portion of the weekend.”
“Work is a necessity for man. Man invented the alarm clock."
~ Pablo Picasso
“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”
Steven Wright
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell“Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.”
- Gracie Allen
“If you want to know what God thinks of money, look at the people he gave it to.” —Dorothy Parker
"Watermelon - it's a good fruit. You eat, you drink, you wash your face."
— Enrico Caruso
“In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat.”
- Anna Quindlen
“In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” - Rita Rudner
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel."
“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.”
Jim Carrey
Maybe this world is another planet's hell. -- Aldous Huxley
“A lot of Thanksgiving Days have been ruined by not carving the turkey in the kitchen.” —Kin Hubbard
“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.”
Oscar Wilde
“Being part of a family means smiling for photos.” –Harry Morgan
"The best way to garden is to put on a wide-brimmed straw hat and some old clothes. And with a hoe in one hand and a cold drink in the other, tell somebody else where to dig."
- Texas Bix Bender, Don't Throw in the Trowel
“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘Wow, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’”—Dave Barry
"You know you’re getting old when you can pinch an inch on your forehead." - John Mendoza
“I meditate and do yoga. I sit cross-legged and try not to levitate too much.” – Jeremy Brett
“You know you are getting old when the candles on your birthday cake start to cost more than the cake itself.”
― Unknown
“I don’t have to look up my family tree, because I know that I’m the sap.”—Fred Allen
“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.”
– Betty Reese
“I figured out why Uncle Sam wears such a tall hat. It comes in handy when he passes it around.”
— Soupy Sales
"Airplane travel is nature's way of making you look like your passport photo."
- Al Gore
“When you’re young, you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape.” – Dave Attell
“Why is Monday so far from Friday? And why is Friday so close to Monday?”
"If it costs you your peace of mind, you’ve overpaid."
— Rigel J. Dawson
“I am responsible for what I say but I’m not responsible for what you understand.”
Anonymous
"If you think adventure is dangerous try routine, it’s lethal."
– Paulo Coelho
"It's amazing how much stuff we get done the day before vacation?"
- Zig Ziglar
"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."
“Fan the sinking flame of hilarity with the wing of friendship; and pass the rosy wine.”
— Charles Dickens
"I don't share blame. I don't share credit. And I don't share desserts"
– Beverly Sills