“Marriage is a difficult project. When seven years have passed and all your body’s cells have been replaced, you’re meant to experience that seven-year itch.”
—Yoko Ono
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt."
— Charles M. Shulz
"If you run 100 miles a week, you can eat anything you want. Why? Because (a) you'll burn all the calories you consume, (b) you deserve it, and (c) you'll be injured soon and back on a restricted diet anyway."
Don Kardong
"If you text 'I love you' to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don't love you back."
- Chelsea Peretti
“Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow.” – Carl Fox (Martin Sheen)Wall Street
“I do yoga to burn off the crazy” — Anonymous
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
"I went home with this French guy ’cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.’" — Amy Schumer
“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.”
Rodney Dangerfield
“Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time.” — Unknown
“The greatest lesson in life is to know that even fools are right sometimes.”
– Winston S. Churchill
"You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance."
– Franklin P. Jones
At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?
Zach Galifianakis
“An Aquarius isn’t a rebel with a cause; they are the cause.”
— Jake Register
George Burns
First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.”- Billy Connolly
"Women love a self-confident bald man."
- Larry David.
“It could be that your purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.”
Ashleigh Brilliant
“I bought a new jacket for a hiking trip. It’s called a trail blazer.”
“Work is a necessity for man. Man invented the alarm clock."
~ Pablo Picasso
“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.” – Earl Wilson
"Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults."
– Mitch Hedberg
“Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now I have six children and no theories.”—John Wilmot
“No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.” – @simoncholland
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
– George Carlin
“I’m like Pacman when I’m at a party, I eat everything and run away from anyone coming close to me.”
― Unknown
“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.” — Cher
"I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died."
- Richard Diran
“Gardeners know the best dirt.”
— Anonymous
"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass." — Rodney Dangerfield,
“They laugh at me because I’m different: I laugh at them because they’re all the same.”
“Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt." ~ Herbert Hoover
“I think the family is the place where the most ridiculous and least respectable things in the world go on.”
- Ugo Betti
“The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.”
Anonymous
“If you eliminate smoking and gambling, you will be amazed to find that almost all an Englishman’s pleasures can be, and mostly are, shared by his dog.”
George Bernard Shaw
“When asked about my hiking plan I answered “Let’s summit up”.”
"If cigarette taxes are meant to discourage smoking, wouldn’t income taxes discourage working?"
“May your coffee be strong and your Monday productive.”
“Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” —Paula Poundstone
“My esteem in this country has gone up substantially. It is very nice now that when people wave at me, they use all their fingers.”
Jimmy Carter
"How can people my age plan spontaneous trips to Thailand, I can barely afford a spontaneous soft pretzel."
"At my age, flowers scare me." - George Burns
“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.”—Janet Periat
“Monday is almost Tuesday, which is not so far from Wednesday which is neighboring Thursday, and Friday. Enjoy your day!”
“I only go to yoga to drink wine, so I’m good. I just throw the calories right back in.” – Kaley Cuoco
Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.
Bill Vaughan
“Every family is dysfunctional, whether you want to admit it or not.”
- Shailene Woodley.
"There is nothing better for the spirit or the body than a love affair. It elevates the thoughts and flattens the stomach." — Barbara Hower
“Respect your parents. These guys pay for your internet.”—Unknown
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.”—Sam Levenson