“Early to bed and early to rise probably indicates unskilled labor.” – John Ciardi
"Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened." - Jennifer Yane
“There is no such thing as bad weather, only different kinds of good weather.”
– John Ruskin
“It’s just another manic Monday. I wish it was Sunday. ‘Cause, that’s my fun day. My, I don’t have to run day.”
— Prince Rogers Nelson
“Mix a little foolishness with your serious plans. It is lovely to be silly at the right moment.”
- Horace
Gary Delaney
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
“Good mashed potato is one of the great luxuries of life.” —Lindsey Bareham
"The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for." - Will Rogers
“I owe much; I have nothing; the rest I leave to the poor.” - Francois Rebelais
“If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.”
- Mark Twain.
“Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.”
Oscar Wilde
"I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."
"Bury me next to a straight man."
“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
— George Carlin
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.”
Will Ferrell
"If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books." — Alan King
“The tax collector must love poor people, he’s creating so many of them.”
– Bill Vaughan
"I don't tan. I burn"
“If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them.”
- Phil Pastoret.
"I love you with all my belly. I would say my heart, but my belly is bigger." - Unknown
“Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million-dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.”
- Jim Bishop.
"Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one." — Benjamin Franklin
"What did the yogi tell the door-to-door salesperson who came to his home selling vacuum cleaners? Too many attachments!"
- Sadhana Yoga
How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn't make it a leg.
Abraham Lincoln
“I talked to a wild group last night. I knew it the minute someone yelled ‘Louder!’ during the silent meditation. – Robert Orben”
"Ideas are like rabbits. You get a couple and learn how to handle them, and pretty soon you have a dozen."
- John Steinbeck.
“It’s a funny feeling to work with people who you consider your colleagues and to realize that they actually are young enough to be your children."
~ Alan Alda
"I need 6 months of vacation. Twice a year."
“What is the only flaw of being intelligent?…that you have to deal with stupid people.”
Anonymous
"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children." – Clarence Day
Bob Hope
I have Alzheimer’s bulimia – first I eat everything in sight and then I forget to puke.
“It’s like you trade the virility of the body for the agility of the spirit.” – Elizabeth Lesser
“I would have made a terrible parent. The first time my child didn’t do what I wanted, I’d kill him.”
- Katherine Hepburn.
I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves are.
Jarod Kintz
“There were times my pants were so thin I could sit on a dime and tell if it was heads or tails.” -Spencer Tracy quotes
"Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park." - Anonymous
"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."
– George Burns
"Taking a dog named Shark to the beach is a bad idea"
“Welcome, winter. Your late dawns and chilled breath make me lazy, but I love you nonetheless. ” — Terri Guillemets
“She says you’re not awake until you’re actually out of bed and standing up.”
– Richelle Mead
“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.”
Sam Ewing
Will Ferell
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did – in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.
"Half the modern drugs could well be thrown out the window, except that the birds might eat them." - Martin H. Fischer
“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” —Anne Bancroft
"The first 40 years of parenthood are always the hardest." – Unknown
You talk to God, you're religious. God talks to you, you're psychotic. -- Doris Egan
“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.”—Richard Pryor
“Moist groaned. It was the crack of seven and he was allergic to the concept of two seven o’clocks in one day.”
— Terry Pratchett
“I chose the road less traveled and now I don’t know where I am.”
“Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with." ~From a Washington Post word contest