“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend. I’ll train you.”
— Unknown
"Stop worrying about the potholes in the road and enjoy the journey."
– Babs Hoffman
"I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me"- Fred Allen.
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield
“In a household of toddlers and pets, we discover this rule of thumb about happy families, that they are least two-thirds incontinent.”
- Robert Brault.
“From the ages of eight to 18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
Jarod Kintz
“I’m only a morning person on December 25th.”
– Unknown
"If anyone is Christmas shopping for me, I wear a size 7-day Caribbean cruise."
"Getting out of bed would be 10x easier if there was a Caribbean ocean and 30 degree weather waiting outside for you."
“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” — Charles Lamb
"How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but it takes nine visits." - Author unknown
“Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.”
Doug Larson
"Finland has produced so many brilliant distance runners because back home it costs $2.50 a gallon for gas."
Esa Tikkannen
"Snack time heals all wounds."
— Bridger Winegar
Claude Pepper
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
"Parenting is basically just listening to yourself talk because nobody else is." - Unknown
“I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War, my great uncle fought for the west!”
Rodney Dangerfield
“But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.”
- Carl Sagan
“Man cannot live by bread alone; he must have peanut butter.”
James A. Garfield
Did anybody ever consider that cannibalism would resolve both overpopulation – and world hunger?
“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker
“Monday, you're so jealous of my relationship with Sunday because I am so happy to see you leave!”
“Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?”
Jay Leno
"You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” - Rey Woodman
“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” – Bob Hope
"Woke up this morning with a terrific urge to lie in bed all day and read."
– Raymond Carver
Of all the books in the world, the best stories are found between the pages of a passport.
“Nutrition labels should include a “What if I ate the whole thing” section.”
― Unknown
“Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge.”
Tom Waits
“Keep calm and ommm… nonommm…” — Anonymous
"I hate mornings, they start so early."
— Janet Evanovich
"I’m too busy working on my own grass to notice if yours is greener."
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz
“Forget champagne and caviar – taste the world instead!”
“Winter must be cold for those with no warm memories.”
– Deborah Kerr
“I would have made a terrible parent. The first time my child didn’t do what I wanted, I’d kill him.”
- Katherine Hepburn.
"My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit."
- Phyllis Dille
“Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own.”—Eddie Cantor
“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?”
– Milton Berle
"I don't tan. I burn"
“I do yoga so that I can stay flexible enough to kick my own arse if necessary.” — Betsy Cañas Garmon
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx
"There are many challenges to long distance running, but one of the greatest is the question of where to put one’s house keys."
Gabrielle Zevin
"A man should never plant a garden larger than his wife can take care of."
- T.H. Everett
“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” —Anne Bancroft
“Money can’t buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery." ~ Spike Milligan
“A man says a lot of things in summer he doesn’t mean in winter.” – Patricia Briggs
“It’s funny how your parents tell you it’s their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.”—Unknown
“Is it Monday already? I’m almost positive I did not get my entire portion of the weekend.”
“Work is a necessity for man. Man invented the alarm clock."
~ Pablo Picasso