“If summer had one defining scent, it’d definitely be the smell of barbecue.”
— Katie Lee
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."
“Finally, a Thanksgiving without a drunken uncle. Just me, my nieces and nephews and my bottle of Jack Daniels.” — Conan O’Brien
“Trying to do your own taxes is like a do-it-yourself mugging.”
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck
“From the ages of eight to 18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
Jarod Kintz
“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” - Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'
“A baby changes your dinner party conversation from politics to poops.”
- Maurice Johnston.
"There’s one advantage to being 102, there’s no peer pressure." - Dennis Wolfberg
“I have noticed that even people who claim everything is predetermined and that we can do nothing to change it look before they cross the road.”
Stephen Hawking
“A day without yoga is like a sundae without sprinkles” — Emma Mildon
“Just found out the wife is writing a book about our honeymoon, called ’50 Shades of Just O.K.’”—Conan O’Brien
"There are two kinds of travel – first class and with children."
– Robert Benchley
“Swiss cheese differs from Camembert by better ventilation.”
― Unknown
“If pessimism is despair, optimism is cowardice and stupidity. Is there any need to choose between them?”
- Francis Parker Yockey
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died."
~ Erma Bombeck
“I’m tired of hearing about money, money, money, money, money. I just want to play the game, drink Pepsi, wear Reebok.” — Shaquille O’Neal
“If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad, he should see how bad it is with representation.”
– Farmer’s Almanac
"Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does."
“I’m not for everyone. I’m barely for me.”
Marc Maron
“Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’”
Steven Wright
“Leaders who don’t listen will eventually be surrounded by people who have nothing to say.” – Andy Stanley
“I always give 100% at Work: 10% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 22% Thursday, and 5% Friday.” –Anonymous
“I have decided to cast my vote for any political candidate whose platform adds Monday to the weekend.”
“Fact. Pisces is the most wobbly sign of the zodiac.”
— Mary English
“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.” —Stephen Colbert
“The only thing I like better than talking about food is eating.”
— John Walters
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
– Erma Bombeck
“I thought I’d become an actress, but then I realized I eat too much.”
― Chelsea Handler
"Real gardeners buy at least ten thousand plants in the course of a lifetime without having the least idea where they'll put any of them when they get home."
— Anonymous
“Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.”
- Cary Grant.
Growth takes time. Be patient. And while you’re waiting, pull a weed.
— Emilie Barnes
"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller
“When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?'”
Sydney J. Harris
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
“Money can’t buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery." ~ Spike Milligan
"Whoever says friendship is easy has obviously never had a true friend!"
— Bronwyn Polson
“Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line.” —John Lyon
"If you don’t drink, smoke, or drive a car, you’re a tax evader."
– Thomas S Foley
“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend but it sure helps!”
— Unknown
“You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there.”
Yogi Berra
“Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative.” – Maurice Chevalier
“Every mile is two in winter.”
“I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.”
Mitch Hedberg
“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”—Kristen Bell
"Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks."
- Bauvard
“Lots of people talk to animals... Not very many listen though... that's the problem.”
― A.A. Milne.
" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." — Henny Youngman
“An addiction to gardening is not all bad when you consider all the other choices in life.”
— Cora Lea Bell
“Money often costs too much." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson