"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it." - Henny Youngman
“Women prefer men who have something tender about them – especially the legal kind." ~Kay Ingram
“Monday is almost Tuesday, which is not so far from Wednesday which is neighboring Thursday, and Friday. Enjoy your day!”
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream.”
Bill Murray
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.”—Sam Levenson
“Monday should be optional.”
“Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.“
Bill Murray
“Camping is not a date; its an endurance test. If you can survive camping with someone, you should marry them on the way home.”
"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook"- Julia Child
“Hello and welcome to Monday. Do you take sugar, cream, or Valium in your morning coffee?”
“It’s not easy being a mom. If it were easy, fathers would do it.”—Betty White
“Red meat is not bad for you. Now, blue-green meat—that’s bad for you!”
— Tom Smothers
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
Robin Williams
Oscar Wilde
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, “At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas."
"Taurus won't forget it. Taurus doesn't forget anything."
— Linda Goodman
“The taxpayer—that’s someone who works for the federal government but doesn’t have to take the civil service examination.” — Ronald Reagan.
“I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.”
Mitch Hedberg
"If Cinderella’s shoe fit perfectly, then why did it fall off?"
"A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken."
- James Dent
“A loyal friend laughs at your jokes when they’re not so good, and sympathizes with your problems when they’re not so bad.”
— Arnold H. Glasgow
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
- Groucho Marx.
“I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”—Cameron Esposito
“Little known fact, gentlemen. Tacos are the food of genius.”
― Heather Brewer
“Some people can eat anything they want and stay slim. I put on weight just by reading the recipe.”
― Unknown
Bill Murray
“Do you ever get halfway through eating a horse and go ‘you know, I’m not as hungry as thought I was’?”
"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe
“To be clever enough to get a great deal of money, one must be stupid enough to want it.”
- George Bernard Shaw
“A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.”
Graham Norton
“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” —Mark Twain
“Family life is a bit like a runny peach pie, not perfect but who’s complaining?”
- Robert Brault.
“How did my driving test go? You could say I mailed it!”
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”
- Judd Apatow.
"I refuse to admit I’m more than fifty-two, even if that does make my sons illegitimate." - Nancy Astor
“Nothing is so embarrassing as watching someone do something that you said couldn’t be done.” – Sam Ewing
“Your typical six-year-old is a paradoxical little person.”
- Louise Bates Ames.
“I am convinced digestion is the great secret to life.”
Sydney Smith
“My friend was attacked by a duck. I yelled “duck!” to warn him, but it just made it worse.”
- Kelkulus.
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. Jim Carrey
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
“New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time — most, unsolved.”
Johnny Carson
“Early to bed, early to rise, work like hell and fertilize!”
— Anonymous
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”—George Burns
“Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.”
- Douglas Adams
“Never stand between a dog and the fire hydrant.”—John Peer
“The problem with doing nothing is that you never know when you’re finished.” – Groucho Marx
“All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening.” —Alexander Woollcott
"His insomnia was so bad, he couldn’t sleep during office hours."
~ Arthur Baer
[on filing for tax returns] "This is too difficult for a mathematician. It takes a philosopher."
- Albert Einstein
"Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage."
- Ambrose Bierce
"To get back to my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable." - Oscar Wilde