“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.”
Homer Simpson
“Having children is like living in a frat house — nobody sleeps, everything s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.”
- Ray Romano.
“October: This is one of the particularly dangerous months to invest in stocks. Other dangerous months are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February.” Mark Twain
"My routine is to ride that snooze button as far as it will take me, take a quick shower, get dressed in the dark and bolt out the door."
— Willie Geist
"All men are the same age." - Dorothy Parker
“How do I like my eggs? In a cake.”
― Unknown
“I have removed all the bad food from my house, it was delicious.”
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
"Physically I’m here. Mentally I’m in a pool in Bali ordering my third mojito."
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well neither does bathing. That’s why we recommend it daily.” – Zig Ziglar
"Listen, smile, agree, and then do whatever you were gonna do anyway."
― Robert Downey Jr.
"I'm a Taurus, and I defy you to find someone more stubborn, opinionated, and determined than me."
— Gary Garrison
“I realized my family was funny because nobody ever wanted to leave our house.”
- Anthony Anderson
"We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle."
- Winston Churchill
“My formula for success is rise early, work late and strike oil.” JP Getty.
"Go, and never darken my towels again."
“There are only two seasons – winter and Baseball.” – Bill Veeck
“Monday, you're so jealous of my relationship with Sunday because I am so happy to see you leave!”
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
“The more excited the rooster gets, the higher his voice goes. He’s got a little bit of a Barney Fife quality to him.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
“Education cost money. But then again so does ignorance.” – Sir Claus Moser
“Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in school.”
Albert Einstein
“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”—Jean Illsley Clarke
"Don't make love by the garden gate - love is blind, but the neighbours ain't." - Anonymous
"If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, keep away from children." – Susan Savannah
“My family is really boring. They have a coffee table book called Pictures We Took Just to Use Up the Rest of the Film.”
- Penelope Lombard.
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and by then it was too late.
Max Kaufman
"Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults."
– Mitch Hedberg
“When Chuck Norris does yoga, the sun salutes him.” – Unknown
“Thanksgiving is so called because we are all so thankful that it only comes once a year.” — P.J. O’Rourke
“Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.”
Abraham Lincoln
“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.” – Earl Wilson
“When gorillas are sleeping, you can hide a bunch of raisins in their fur, and then they’ll have an exciting treat the next day."
- Guy Endore Kaiser
"A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm." – Bill Vaughan
“Hiking is the only slightly less ugly stepsister of running.” – Lindy Hughes
“July is a blind date with summer.”
– Hal Borland
"Even if the farmer intends to loaf, he gets up in time to get an early start."
- E.W. Howe
"Your diet is a bank account. Good food choices are good investments."
— Bethenny Frankel
“What is the only flaw of being intelligent?…that you have to deal with stupid people.”
Anonymous
"I can't wait to start blaming my normal lack of productivity on it being summer"
"Crabgrass can grow on bowling balls in airless rooms, and there is no known way to kill it that does not involve nuclear weapons."
- Dave Barry
“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” – Jon Stewart
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
"Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-brake on."
- Maxwell Maltz
"I can't believe we got grades in gym class. I've never used anything I learned in there."
- Jim Gaffigan
“A lot of people like snow. I find it to be an unnecessary freezing of water.”
– Carl Reiner
“Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.” - Larry Lorenzon
“I’m not retiring, I am graduating . . . retirement means that you’ll just go ahead and live on your laurels and surf all day in Oceanside. It ain’t going to happen.” – Junior Seau
"Even bad coffee is better than no coffee at all." — David Lynch