“This is the mondayest Monday that ever mondayed.”
"Life is short. Running makes it seem longer."
Baron Hansen
"If the hill has its own name, then it's probably a pretty tough hill."
Marty Stern
“I don’t know what’s tighter: our jeans or our friendship.”
— Unknown
"Parents are the bones on which children cut their teeth." – Peter Ustinov
“Trying to do your own taxes is like a do-it-yourself mugging.”
“Why do they call it ‘beauty sleep’ when you wake up looking like a troll.”
– Unknown
“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world, but they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they’re born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.”
- Ray Romano.
“I thought about losing weight once, but I don’t like losing.”
― Unknown
"Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults."
– Mitch Hedberg
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" Jean Illsley Clarke
“You know, maybe this will be a good Thanksgiving. Just us and the kids. You cook and I’ll watch football with my pants open all day.” — Ray Romano, “Everybody Loves Raymond”
“From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
- Jarod Kintz
"The difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion is the thickness of a prison wall."
– Denis Healey
“Running: Cheaper than therapy.”
-seen on runner’s T-shirt
"My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people."
— Orson Welles
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!
Billy Connolly
Some things have to be believed to be seen. -- Ralph Hodgson
“When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.”—Richard Lewis
“Monday I shall slay thee with my mighty cup of coffee.”
“Let’s begin by taking a smallish nap or two.”
– A. A. Milne (Winnie the Pooh)
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt." Charles M. Schulz, creator of Peanuts
“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
"How do you know if someone ran a marathon? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you."
Jimmy Fallon
"Promises and pie-crust are made to be broken."
— Jonathan Swift
“Did you know the actual difference between hill and hell is just a fine line?”
“If pessimism is despair, optimism is cowardice and stupidity. Is there any need to choose between them?”
- Francis Parker Yockey
“You are one yoga class away from a good mood.” – Unknown
“Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.” —Redd Fox
“Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.”
– Ronald Reagan
“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” – Bob Hope
“Whenever a man does a thoroughly stupid thing, it is always from the noblest motives.”
- Oscar Wilde
“Being a mom means kids banging on the bathroom door like SWAT, asking for a drink, while you’re in the shower. And Dad is in the kitchen.” – @SarcasticMommy4
“If summer had one defining scent, it’d definitely be the smell of barbecue.”
— Katie Lee
"Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs."
- Fran Lebowitz
“Yoga is not about tightening your ass. It’s about getting your head out of it.” — Eric Paskel
"Hard work is damn near as overrated as monogamy."
~ Huey Long
“Not everybody has to love me. I can’t force you to have good taste.”
"The income tax created more criminals than any other single act of government."
- Barry Goldwater
“New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time — most, unsolved.”
Johnny Carson
"I’m like old wine. They don’t bring me out very often… but I’m well preserved." - Rose Kennedy
“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” - Molly McGee
"There's one good thing about snow, it makes your lawn look as nice as your neighbor's."
- Clyde Moore
“It’s Thanksgiving, and we should not want to be together, together!” —Rachel Green, Friends
“Tis the privilege of friendship to talk nonsense, and to have her nonsense respected.”
— Charles Lamb
“If you like people who do stupid sh#t all the time, become a parent." – Kelly Oxford
“There’s no “we” in ice cream.”
― Unknown
“When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.”
George Burns
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”—Wayne Huizenga
"Only on a cruise shiip will you pay hundreds of dollar a day to sleep in a closet."