"A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that doesn’t mean she can’t have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones." — Cher
"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass." — Rodney Dangerfield,
When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.
Rita Rudner
"If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland." – Dave Barry
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
“To a small child, the perfect grandad is unafraid of big dogs and fierce storms but absolutely terrified of the word “boo”.—Robert Breault
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
"The word aerobics came about when the gym instructors got together and said, 'If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it jumping up and down'" - Rita Rudner
"I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."
- Marsha Doble
“The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you are not in shape for it, its too far to walk back.”
Andy Rooney
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.”—Sam Levenson
“Properly trained, a man can be dog’s best friend.”
- Corey Ford.
"I always write “Wake Up” on my To-Do-List so I can at least accomplish one thing a day."
– Unknown
“Grandmas don’t just say “that’s nice”—they reel back and roll their eyes and throw up their hands and smile. You get your money’s worth out of grandmas.”—Unknown
"I love you in a way that's nauseating to others."
- Unknown
"Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your retirement home."- Phyllis Diller
"There is absolutely nothing to be said in favor of growing old. There ought to be legislation against it." - Patrick Moore
"Run like there's a hot guy in front of you and a creepy one behind you."
Unknown
"I'm not sure what makes pepperoni so good if it's the pepper or the oni."
— Ulrik Stephens
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck
"You know it’s time for a vacation when you start looking like the person on your driving license…"
"There is no income tax in Russia. But there's no income."
— Will Rogers
“All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.” —Jay Leno
“I thought I’d become an actress, but then I realized I eat too much.”
― Chelsea Handler
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
"Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax increases 'revenue enhancement'. Not so. No one was fooled."
— Dan Quayle
“Spring is nature’s way of saying, ‘Let’s party!’”
– Robin Williams
“Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
“Let a man walk ten miles steadily on a hot summer’s day along a dusty English road, and he will soon discover why beer was invented.”
- Gilbert K. Chesterton
"The term “tax humor” is no doubt an oxymoron to many people; to the more cynical, it is an apt description of the entire tax code."
— John F. Lekel
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan."
- Leopold Fechner.
On Big Ben. “It’s just a big clock? I don’t understand all the hype with this clock. It is literally just a clock. It’s going to be a digital one in thirty years anyway. ”
— Montgomery Smith
"Technology is getting smarter and smarter: smartphones, smartwatches, smart homes… Only people remain stupid no matter what."
- Anna LeMind
"When I tell my kids I'll do something in a minute, what I'm really saying is "Please forget." - @SarcasticMommy4
"Running won't solve all your problems. But then again, neither will housework."
Unknown
“We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up… after I finish laughing.”
— Unknown
"I live in a mad house run by a tiny army that I made myself." — Anonymous
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Alan Dundes
“Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow…somewhere else!”
“On Thanksgiving Day we acknowledge our dependence.” —William Jennings Bryan
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe? -- Quentin Crisp
"If you text 'I love you' to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don't love you back."
- Chelsea Peretti
“Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.”
— Punit Ghadge
“I suppose I will die never knowing what pumpkin pie tastes like when you have room for it.” —Robert Brault
“Family is just accident...They don’t mean to get on your nerves. They don’t even mean to be your family, they just are.”
- Marsha Norman
"If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards." — J.A. Redmerski
“Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.”
George Carlin
“Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie.” —Jim Davis
“People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up.” – Ogden Nash