"Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician." - Anonymous
"I will never break up with my gym. We just seem to workout."
- Unknown.
"Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore." — Bree Luckey
“When I was young, I loved summer and hated winter. When I got older I loved winter and hated summer. Now that I’m even older, and wiser, I hate both summer and winter.” — Jarod Kintz
“My biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the walking that I’d have to do.”
“Summer bachelors like summer breezes, are never as cool as they pretend to be.”
– Nora Ephron
“I don’t like Sunday nights because you have to wake up to a Monday morning.”
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
“Yes officer I did see the speed limit sign, I just didn’t see you.”
“A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.”
Groucho Marx
“It doesn’t matter how low the dollar will go, I will always bend down and pick it up.” ~ Anonymous
"I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth." — Chico Marx
“The only thing that ever sat its way to success was a hen.” — Sarah Brown
“Cooking Tip: Wrap turkey leftover in aluminum foil and throw them out.” —Nicole Hollander
“Siblings that say they never fight are most definitely hiding something.”—Lemony Snicket, Horseradish
“I need to get up; my coffee needs me.”
— Unknown
“An instructor once gave the following cue in yoga class: “Relax your pancreas.” I don’t even know where my pancreas is, never mind how to relax it! I giggled for the rest of the class.” – Mel Farrimond
“Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.” —Stephen Leacock
“My formula for success is rise early, work late and strike oil.” JP Getty.
“Nurse: handing me a newborn You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese” – @mommy_cusses
“I like long walks especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Fred Allen
"The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him." — Oscar Wilde
"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."
“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine'.”
― Tommy Cooper
"At my age ‘getting lucky’ means walking into a room and remembering what I came in for." - Unknown
“Parenting is a cult. And as a cult member, you can try to explain it to other people, but we just appear like lunatics.” – Jim Gaffigan
"Women love a self-confident bald man."
- Larry David.
“If all the economists were laid end to end, they’d never reach a conclusion." ~George Bernard Shaw
“On our 6 a.m. walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it’s in heaven, visiting Daddy’s freedom.” – Ryan Reynolds
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth
“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” – Jerry Seinfeld
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”
- Wayne H
"Stupidity has a knack of getting its way."
- Albert Camus
“How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?”
- Michael, ‘Three Men And A Baby.’
“We must fall in love with yourselves. I don’t like myself. I’m crazy about myself.”
– Mae West
""Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest." - Larry Lorenzoni
“Anybody can sympathize with the sufferings of a friend, but it requires a very fine nature to sympathize with a friend’s success.“
— Oscar Wilde
“You spend 90 percent of your adult life hoping for a long rest and the last 10 percent trying to convince the Lord that you’re actually not that tired.” – Robert Brault
"I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back." - Richard Lewis
“The trouble with the IRS is that 90% of its members give the rest a bad name.”
"A stupid person laughs three times at a joke; once when everyone else is laughing, a second time when he actually gets the joke, and a third time when he realizes he was laughing without getting the joke at first."
“Never take a job where winter winds can blow up your pants.”
“What is your favorite day of the week, and why it is your favorite day of the week? Mine is Tuesday because that means Monday is gone.”
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”
- Ernest Hemingway.
“It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.” —Phyllis Diller
“For those of you who cannot be with family this Thanksgiving, please resist the urge to brag.” —Andy Borowitz
“If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.”
Steven Wright
“I’m totally ‘that dad’ who leaves a note in my son’s lunch box. One day I’ll actually start putting food in there also.”
- Steve Ryan.
“What Yoga really is… Spending an entire hour trying not to fart.”— Anonymous
"I get pretty much all the exercise I need walking down airport concourses carrying bags."
- Guy Clark