“When you realize your self-worth you’ll stop giving people discounts.”
"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."
“If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.” — Woody Allen
“At some point in life, the world’s beauty becomes enough.”
“Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.”
George Carlin
"I am not a glutton – I am an explorer of food."
– Erma Bombeck
Growth takes time. Be patient. And while you’re waiting, pull a weed.
— Emilie Barnes
“In LA we get coyotes in our garbage cans. Coyotes are just like my relatives. They go out in pairs, they whine at night, and they go anywhere there’s food."
- Billy Crystal
“I’m only a morning person on December 25th.”
– Unknown
"A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm." – Bill Vaughan
“Don’t worry if people think you’re crazy. You are crazy. You have that kind of intoxicating insanity that lets other people dream outside of the lines and become who they’re destined to be.”
— Jennifer Elisabeth
“How is it that the first piece of luggage on the airport carousel never belongs to everyone?”
— George Roberts
"Nice to be here? At my age it’s nice to be anywhere." – George Burns
Adolescence: A stage between infancy and adultery
Kevin Goldstein-Jackson
"My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people."
— Orson Welles
"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you."
Of all the books in the world, the best stories are found between the pages of a passport.
“The only reason a great many American families don't own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments."
- Mad Magazine
"People that insist upon drinking and driving, are putting the quart before the hearse."
– Gilbert K. Chesterton
“L.A. is so celebrity-conscious, there’s a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson — and when he shows up, they tell him there’ll be a ten-minute wait.”
Bill Maher
“There are much easier things in life than finding a good man. Nailing Jell-O to a tree, for instance.”
Anonymous
“A lot of people like snow. I find it to be an unnecessary freezing of water.”
– Carl Reiner
"Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge"- Don Kardong
“The mud will wash off but the memories will last a lifetime.”
“When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.”
Rita Rudner
"I lost some weight once, but I found it again in the fridge."
— Unknown
“If only God would give me a clear sign, like making a large deposit in my swiss bank account." ~ Woody Allen
“Business is the art of extracting money from another man’s pocket without resorting to violence." ~Max Amsterdam
"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."
- Mae West
“I bought a calming tea but the smell and taste is making me nervous.”
― Unknown
“I have a green thumb. Got it when I dumped out my kale smoothie.”
— John Wagner Maxine
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.”—Lily Tomlin
"People who say “Good morning” should be forced to prove it."
– Unknown
“Having children is like living in a frat house — nobody sleeps, everything s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.”
- Ray Romano.
“You are in control. Never allow your Monday to be manic.”
— Andrea L’Artiste
"The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary."
~ Vince Lombardi
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
"I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."
“Some taxpayers close their eyes, some stop their ears, some shut their mouths, but all pay through the nose.”
— Evan Esar
“Watching a dog try to chew a large piece of toffee is a pastime fit for gods. Mr. Fusspot’s mixed ancestry had given him a dexterity of jaw that was truly awesome. He somersaulted happily around the floor, making faces like a rubber gargoyle in a washing machine.”—Terry Pratchett
“I’m not aging, I just need repotting.”
— Anonymous
"Men are like bank accounts. The more money, the more interest they generate." ~ Mark Twain
"Too many people spend money they haven’t earned, to buy things they don’t want, to impress people they don’t like." ~ Will Smith
"I complain that the years fly past, but then I look in a mirror and see that very few of them actually got past." - Robert Brault
“The average vacation is one-tenth playing—nine-tenths paying.”
–Arnold Glasow
"Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse."
“I would say that the hardest thing about being a parent is these goddamned kids.”
- Andy Richter.
"As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer." - Robert Quillen"
“Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure, you do more before five than most folks do all day.”— Sinbad
"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early"