"What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."
- Cindy Garner.
“I always give 100% at Work: 10% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 22% Thursday, and 5% Friday.” –Anonymous
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." — Francois de la Rochefoucauld
“Good morning. Keep calm and pretend it’s not Monday.”
"I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol."- Steven Write
“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan." — Leopold Fetchner
“Red meat is not bad for you. Now, blue-green meat—that’s bad for you!”
— Tom Smothers
"The best part of waking up is still a mystery to me."
— Uknown
"Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened." - Jennifer Yane
“Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.” – Charlie McCarthy
"I wish I was a postcard. For under a dollar, I could travel to any location in the world."
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” - Jerry Seinfeld
“I have an everyday religion that works for me. Love yourself first, and everything else falls into line.”
– Lucille Ball
“Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.”
Chris Rock
“Good weather all week, but come the weekend, and the weather stinks. When the weather is too hot, they complain; too cold, they complain; and when it’s just right, they’re watching TV.”
— Rita Rudner
"Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once." - Dave Barry
“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben
“Friendship is not a big thing, it’s a million little things.”
— Unknown
“Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?” — Edgar Bergen
"If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards." — J.A. Redmerski
“Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.”
- Martin Mull.
"The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found."
— Calvin Trillin
“Being different is a revolving door in your life where secure people enter and insecure exit.”
— Shannon L. Alder
"I am proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is I could be just as proud for half of the money."
- Arthur Godfrey
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away, But if the doctor is cute forget the fruit.”
Sammie
“Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.” -Henny Youngman
“The average vacation is one-tenth playing—nine-tenths paying.”
–Arnold Glasow
“Don't be so humble – you are not that great.”
Golda Meir
"Run. Because zombies will eat the untrained ones first."
From the Zombie Apocalypse Survival Guide
“A cat is a puzzle for which there is no solution.”
- Hazel Nicholson.
“Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own.”—Eddie Cantor
"If you want to know the correct way to perform an exercise, the answer is: Whatever hurts most."
- Jason Love.
“What Yoga really is… Spending an entire hour trying not to fart.”— Anonymous
“In fifty years, he never worked a day. To him, nine to five was odds on a horse."
~ Archie Bunker
"Woke up this morning with a terrific urge to lie in bed all day and read."
– Raymond Carver
"Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning." — Clint Eastwood,
“The only thing that ever sat its way to success was a hen.” — Sarah Brown
"It sounds plausible enough tonight, but wait until tomorrow. Wait for the common sense of the morning."
— H.G. Wells
Tim Vine
grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance waiting for the bathroom.
“If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them.”
- Phil Pastoret.
“Plant carrots in January and you’ll never have to eat carrots.”
— Anonymous
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
“My son is now an ‘entrepreneur.’ That’s what you’re called when you don’t have a job.” – Ted Turner
“The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.“
Mark Twain
"A Taurus always appears to be calm and steady, even when they feel like punching you in the face."
— Unknown
"In every good marriage, it pays sometimes to be a little deaf." — Ruth Bader Ginsburg
“I don’t get it. The trail looked so flat on the map.”
"A bad cold wouldn't be so annoying if it weren't for the advice of our friends." - Kin Hubbard
“Why don’t kids understand their nap is not for them, but for us?”
- Alyson Hannigan.