“The road to success is always under construction.”
“Road trips required a couple of things: a well-balanced diet of caffeine, salt, and sugar and an excellent selection of tunes—oh, and directions.”
– Jenn McKinlay
“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” – Red Buttons
"I’m getting tired of waking up and not being at the beach."
“What is the only flaw of being intelligent?…that you have to deal with stupid people.”
Anonymous
“There. Right there is where you lost your darn mind!”
"A bad cold wouldn't be so annoying if it weren't for the advice of our friends." - Kin Hubbard
"It’s bad manners to let vacation wait!"
"Everyone’s a little bit crazy and a little bit loud. But everyone’s sharing a generous amount of love."
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance—waiting for the bathroom.”—Bob Hope
"Stupidity is a talent for misconception."
- Edgar Allan Poe
"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown
“Some taxpayers close their eyes, some stop their ears, some shut their mouths, but all pay through the nose.”
— Evan Esar
“Heat, ma'am! It was so dreadful here that I found there was nothing left for it but to take off my flesh and sit in my bones.”
- Sydney Smith
“One measure of friendship consists not in the number of things friends can discuss, but in the number of things they need no longer mention.”
— Clifton Fadiman
“At the end of a rainbow, there’s a pot of gold. But when the weekend comes to an end, there’s only a Monday.”
“There are only two seasons – winter and Baseball.” – Bill Veeck
I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream”
– Bill Murray
"Let's have a moment of silence for all those Americans who are stuck in traffic on their way to the gym to ride the stationary bicycle."
- Earl Blumenauer.
“May your coffee be strong and your Monday productive.”
“Demanding something from a Scorpio is a sure way to not have it happen.”
“Camping is not a date; its an endurance test. If you can survive camping with someone, you should marry them on the way home.”
“As I have gotten older and wiser I discovered that there are six things that I really loved about my job. Pay day, lunch time, quitting time, vacation time, holidays, and of course retirement.” — Tom Goins
"Woke up this morning with a terrific urge to lie in bed all day and read."
– Raymond Carver
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell“Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.”
- Gracie Allen
“I finally know what distinguishes man from other beasts: financial worries.” – Jules Renard
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
"I always thought a yard was three feet, then I started mowing the lawn."
- C.E. Cowman
"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
"There are no gardening mistakes, only experiments."
— Janet Kilburn Phillips
“I love America, but I can’t spend the whole year here. I can’t afford the taxes.”
— Mick Jagger
“Finally, a Thanksgiving without a drunken uncle. Just me, my nieces and nephews and my bottle of Jack Daniels.” — Conan O’Brien
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
- Carrie Underwood.
“My formula for success is rise early, work late and strike oil.” JP Getty.
“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.”
Mark Twain
"Some children threaten to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going." – Phyllis Diller
“Behind every successful woman is a best friend giving her crazy ideas.”
— Unknown
“How is it that the first piece of luggage on the airport carousel never belongs to everyone?”
— George Roberts
"Men do not quit playing because they grow old—they grow old because they quit playing." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
"I love those days when my only decision is whether to go to the beach in the morning or in the afternoon."
“A dollar picked up in the road is more satisfaction to us than the 99 which we had to work for, and the money won at Faro or in the stock market snuggles into our hearts in the same way. ~Mark Twain
“If you’re searching for that one person that will change your life, take a look in the mirror.”
“Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.”
Jerry Seinfeld
“Unless you are a pizza, the answer is yes, I can live without you.”
― Bill Murray
"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh
"So I stepped away for like two seconds…” – the beginning of every parenting horror story." — Anonymous
"I’m a travel fiend on the road to recovery. Just kidding. I’m headed to the airport."
“Never make your favorite song the alarm for Monday morning; you’ll hate it for years.”