"The taxpayer: that's someone who works for the federal government, but doesn't have to take a civil service examination."
- Ronald Reagan
“I figured out why Uncle Sam wears such a tall hat. It comes in handy when he passes it around.”
— Soupy Sales
"Congress can raise taxes because it can persuade a sizable fraction of the populace that somebody else will pay."
- Milton Friedman
“The tax collector must love poor people, he’s creating so many of them.”
– Bill Vaughan
“Tax day is the day that ordinary Americans send their money to Washington, D.C., and wealthy Americans send their money to the Cayman Islands.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
"Accountant after reading a nursery rhyme to his child: “No, son. It wouldn't be tax deductible when Little Bo Peep loses her sheep. But I like your thinking."
"The art of taxation consists in so plucking the goose as to obtain the largest amount of feathers with the least amount of hissing."
- Jean-Baptiste Colbert
"Day in and day out, your tax accountant can make or lose more money than any single person in your life with the possible exception of your kids."
― Harvey Mackay
"If you don’t drink, smoke, or drive a car, you’re a tax evader."
– Thomas S Foley
"A tax is a fine for doing well, a fine is a tax for doing wrong."
— Mark Twain
“The best things in life are free, but sooner or later the government will find a way to tax them.”
"Then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn't a person. "Excuse me, sir, why haven't you paid your taxes." "Well, as you can clearly see, I am not a person." "Well, you look like a person." "No it's all done with mirrors, trust me!"
- Lewis Black
"Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks."
- Bauvard
"The politicians say 'we' can't afford a tax cut. Maybe we can't afford the politicians."
— Steve Forbes
"An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt."
- Fred Allen
"A tax cut to compensate for a tax increase is not a cut — it's a con."
— Tony Abbott
"A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything done in the morning: We're government workers."
— Jay Leno
"The income tax created more criminals than any other single act of government."
- Barry Goldwater
"The difference between death and taxes is death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets."
- Will Rogers
“I put all my money into taxes. They’re the only thing that’s sure to go up!”
"It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta."
— Dave Barry
"America is a land of taxation that was founded to avoid taxation."
- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
"The only thing that hurts more than paying an income tax is not having to pay an income tax."
— Thomas Dewar
"Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages."
- H. L. Mencken
“Children may be deductible, but they are still taxing.”
“For every tax problem, there is a solution which is straightforward, uncomplicated-and wrong.”
[on filing for tax returns] "This is too difficult for a mathematician. It takes a philosopher."
- Albert Einstein
“They can't collect legal taxes from illegal money."
— Al Capone
"Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors... and miss."
- Robert A. Heinlein
"Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax increases 'revenue enhancement'. Not so. No one was fooled."
— Dan Quayle
"Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That's a red flag."
― Jay Leno
"The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax."
- Albert Einstein
"The term “tax humor” is no doubt an oxymoron to many people; to the more cynical, it is an apt description of the entire tax code."
— John F. Lekel
"The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has."
- Will Rogers
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream”
– Bill Murray
"There is no income tax in Russia. But there's no income."
— Will Rogers
"Death, taxes, and childbirth! There's never any convenient time for any of them."
― Margaret Mitchell
“The Government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend upon the support of Paul.”
– George Bernard Shaw
“On my income tax 1040 it says “Check this box if you are blind.” I wanted to put a check-mark about three inches away.”
– Tom Lehrer
"I guess I think of lotteries as a tax on the mathematically challenged."
- Roger Jones
“When it comes to taxes, there are two types of people. There are those that get it done early, also known as ‘psychopaths’, and then the rest of us.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
"We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle."
- Winston Churchill
“The Taxpayer’s prayer: Oh Mighty Internal Revenue Service, who turneth the labor of man to ashes, we thank thee for the multitude of thy forms which thou hast set before us and for the infinite confusion of thy commandments, which mulitplyth the fortunes of lawyer and accountant alike.”
— Russell Baker
"I am proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is I could be just as proud for half of the money."
- Arthur Godfrey
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.”
— Douglas Adams
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today."
- Herman Wouk
"There is no worse tyranny than to force a man to pay for what he does not want merely because you think it would be good for him."
- Robert A. Heinlein
“The trouble with the IRS is that 90% of its members give the rest a bad name.”
"Instead of taking the pants off the taxpayer it might be better to take the vest off the vested interests."
— Mark Twain
“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?”
– Milton Berle