Plant Jokes

Tried it Once... A sales representative stops at a small manufacturing plant. He presents a box of cigars to the manager as a gift. “No thanks." says the plant manager. "I tried smoking a cigar once, but I didn't like it". The sales rep shows his display case and then, hoping to clinch a sale, offers to take the manager out for a round of drinks. "No, thanks." the plant manager replies. "You know, I tried alcohol once, but didn't like it.” Then the salesman glances out the office window and sees a golf course. "I suppose you play golf" says the salesman. "I'd like to invite you to be a guest at my club". "That's kind of you, but no, thanks." the manager says. "I played golf once, but I didn't like it". Just then a young man enters the office. "Let me introduce my son, Mike.." says the plant manager. "Let me guess" the salesman replies with a bitter smile: "An only child?"
“I just want to let you know that if you ever need to have a plant killed, I’m the person for that job.”
— Anonymous
A weed is a plant that is not only in the wrong place but intends to stay.”
— Sara Stein
"A man should never plant a garden larger than his wife can take care of."
- T.H. Everett
"A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill except for learning how to grow in rows."
- Doug Larson
The Doctor's Plants Two doctors, Dean and Gable, are treating a man with lung disease. They’re explaining how his smoking weed has led to his condition worsening. “But it’s just herbal!” the patient protested. “How can it be bad?” Dr. Jenkins sighed. “Nature isn't all innocent. Apricot stones contain lethal amounts of cyanide. There is a certain plant in my back garden - if you sit under it for just 5 minutes, you will die. Just because it’s natural doesn’t mean it’s safe for you!” The man seemed to accept that, and promised to stop his smoking. After he left, the doctors went to lunch. As they were sitting down to eat, Dr. Smith asked, “Oh by the way, what IS that plant that kills you if you sit under it?” “A water lily."
What happened to the Venus Fly Trap's plant food?
The arbor-ate-em.
Why did the gardener think her plant was sick?
It was looking very green.
I'm a gardener and I'm OK
I sleep all night and I plant all day!
I dress in grubby clothing and hang around with slugs.
Oh I'm happy in the garden
With dirt and plants and bugs.
When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
Let me plant one on ya!
Why do gardeners plant bulbs? So the worms can see where they’re going.
I’ve started to plant my herbs in alphabetical order. People ask me how I find the time. I tell them “it’s next to the sage”.
My grandmother was famous all over town for growing delicious strawberries.
She made me promise that when she died, I would plant her strawberries on her grave so that people could enjoy them when they visited. When she passed away I fulfilled my promise. She’s dead and berried.
The innocent blueberry got easily framed for the crime because the evidence was a strawberry plant.
I’m saving money for bushes to plant around the yard when my career is over...
It’s my retirement hedge fund.
"Hey baby, you look so good, I wish I could plant you and grow a whole field of y'all!"
- Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
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