Safe Jokes

I tripped over a floor tile in the bathroom today. Got out alright, but it's safe to say...
I got floored.
I saw a flyer about a missing flower, would you call your florist and let him know you are safe?
I had a few doubts about buying a big metal cabinet to store all my valuables.
Turns out... it was a safe purchase.
"The safe way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your pocket." ~ Kin Hubbard
How did explorers hide their treasures in the medieval ages? By dragon them to a safe location.
Why do blondes make bad bankrobbers? Because they tie up the safe and blow the guards
I bought a secured warehouse where I keep appliances to clean pots, pans, plates, and silverware.
It's dishwasher safe!
I have a high shelf in my kitchen to store meat. It’s safe to say...
The steaks are high.
Me, to my wife: They said that the Covid vaccines are safe and has no side effects.
My wife: Who did?

Me: Yep.
Flight allows flamingos to stay safe from predators. This is natural selection in action, and explains why flaminstays are extinct.
Is the pool safe for diving?
It deep ends.
“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”

- Erma Bombeck.
May you be granted no memory,
Of the people you wished took a hike,
May your luck hold out for decades,
Bringing you only the folks you like.

May your eyes never fail you,
When you need to tell the difference,
May your walker go from zero to 60,
So you could stay at a safe distance.

(Kevin Nishmas)
The Doctor's Plants Two doctors, Dean and Gable, are treating a man with lung disease. They’re explaining how his smoking weed has led to his condition worsening. “But it’s just herbal!” the patient protested. “How can it be bad?” Dr. Jenkins sighed. “Nature isn't all innocent. Apricot stones contain lethal amounts of cyanide. There is a certain plant in my back garden - if you sit under it for just 5 minutes, you will die. Just because it’s natural doesn’t mean it’s safe for you!” The man seemed to accept that, and promised to stop his smoking. After he left, the doctors went to lunch. As they were sitting down to eat, Dr. Smith asked, “Oh by the way, what IS that plant that kills you if you sit under it?” “A water lily."
Practice safe text: use commas.
The Covid-19 vaccine should be tested on politicians first...
If they survive, the vaccine is safe.

If they don't, the country is safe.
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