“Don’t wear perfume in the garden – unless you want to be pollinated by bees.”
— Anne Raver
“I’m not aging, I just need repotting.”
— Anonymous
“I probably wouldn’t kill so many houseplants if they could scream for food and water the way my pets and children do.”
— Anonymous
“Gardeners know the best dirt.”
— Anonymous
“I have a green thumb. Got it when I dumped out my kale smoothie.”
— John Wagner Maxine
"A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken."
- James Dent
"A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill except for learning how to grow in rows."
- Doug Larson
“Cauliflower is a cabbage with a college education.”
— Mark Twain
"Your first job is to prepare the soil. The best tool for this is your neighbor's motorized garden tiller. If your neighbor does not own a garden tiller, suggest that he buy one."
- Dave Barry
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
— Anonymous
"I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died."
- Richard Diran
"You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think."
- Dorothy Parker
“Weeds are nature’s graffiti.”
— Janice Maeditere
"Gardening requires lots of water - most of it in the form of perspiration."
- Lou Erickson
"Even if the farmer intends to loaf, he gets up in time to get an early start."
- E.W. Howe
“Anyone who has time for drama is not gardening enough”
— Anonymous
"Real gardeners buy at least ten thousand plants in the course of a lifetime without having the least idea where they'll put any of them when they get home."
— Anonymous
"I bought an ant farm. I don't know where I am going to get a tractor that small!"
- Steven Wright
"The philosopher who said that work well done never needs doing over never weeded a garden."
- Ray D. Everson
“If you are not killing plants, you are not really stretching yourself as a gardener.”
— J.C. Raulston
"What a man needs in gardening is a cast-iron back, with a hinge in it."
- Charles Dudley Warner
“Plant carrots in January and you’ll never have to eat carrots.”
— Anonymous
"What did the carrot say to the wheat?
Lettuce rest, I'm feeling beet."
- Shel Silverstein
“Gardening. Cheaper than therapy (until your spouse adds up the receipts).”
— Anonymous
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight."
- Rita Rudner
A weed is a plant that is not only in the wrong place but intends to stay.”
— Sara Stein
“Early to bed, early to rise, work like hell and fertilize!”
— Anonymous
"I always thought a yard was three feet, then I started mowing the lawn."
- C.E. Cowman
“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”
– Mitch Hedburg
"How do you compare apples and oranges?
By their nutritional value."
- Marshall Elizer
“You know you’re a gardener when you’re happy to devote three months of your life growing tomatoes to save $1.27.”
— Anonymous
“An addiction to gardening is not all bad when you consider all the other choices in life.”
— Cora Lea Bell
"Crabgrass can grow on bowling balls in airless rooms, and there is no known way to kill it that does not involve nuclear weapons."
- Dave Barry
"Bulb: potential flower buried in Autumn, never to be seen again."
- Henry Beard
"Every garden is unique with a multitude of choices in soils, plants and themes. Finding your garden theme is as easy as seeing what brings a smile to your face."
- Teresa Watkins
Gardening is a matter of your enthusiasm holding up until your back gets used to it
— Author Unknown
All gardeners know better than other gardeners.”
— Chinese Proverb
"When did my wild oats turn to prunes and all bran?"
- Lucy Parker
Housework is for people who don’t know how to garden.”
— Anonymous
"What does the letter "A" have in common with a flower?
They both have bees coming after them."
- Kim Roblin
"There are no gardening mistakes, only experiments."
— Janet Kilburn Phillips
"A man should never plant a garden larger than his wife can take care of."
- T.H. Everett
“Money can’t buy happiness. But it can buy plants, and that’s the same thing.”
— Anonymous
"When I asked you to water the plants,
I did not expect you'd unzip your pants."
- Mike Garofalo
Growth takes time. Be patient. And while you’re waiting, pull a weed.
— Emilie Barnes
"There's one good thing about snow, it makes your lawn look as nice as your neighbor's."
- Clyde Moore
"The best way to garden is to put on a wide-brimmed straw hat and some old clothes. And with a hoe in one hand and a cold drink in the other, tell somebody else where to dig."
- Texas Bix Bender, Don't Throw in the Trowel
"I have no plants in my house. They won't live for me. Some of them don't even wait to die, they commit suicide."
- Jerry Seinfeld
“Gardener’s recipe: one-part soil, two-parts water, three-parts wishful thinking.”
— Anonymous
“I just want to let you know that if you ever need to have a plant killed, I’m the person for that job.”
— Anonymous
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