“I probably wouldn’t kill so many houseplants if they could scream for food and water the way my pets and children do.”
— Anonymous
"Bulb: potential flower buried in Autumn, never to be seen again."
- Henry Beard
"You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think."
- Dorothy Parker
"Even if the farmer intends to loaf, he gets up in time to get an early start."
- E.W. Howe
“You know you’re a gardener when you’re happy to devote three months of your life growing tomatoes to save $1.27.”
— Anonymous
"There's one good thing about snow, it makes your lawn look as nice as your neighbor's."
- Clyde Moore
"Crabgrass can grow on bowling balls in airless rooms, and there is no known way to kill it that does not involve nuclear weapons."
- Dave Barry
"I bought an ant farm. I don't know where I am going to get a tractor that small!"
- Steven Wright
“Gardeners know the best dirt.”
— Anonymous
“If you are not killing plants, you are not really stretching yourself as a gardener.”
— J.C. Raulston
“I just want to let you know that if you ever need to have a plant killed, I’m the person for that job.”
— Anonymous
“Gardener’s recipe: one-part soil, two-parts water, three-parts wishful thinking.”
— Anonymous
“Plant carrots in January and you’ll never have to eat carrots.”
— Anonymous
"I always thought a yard was three feet, then I started mowing the lawn."
- C.E. Cowman
"What did the carrot say to the wheat?
Lettuce rest, I'm feeling beet."
- Shel Silverstein
“Cauliflower is a cabbage with a college education.”
— Mark Twain
"The best way to garden is to put on a wide-brimmed straw hat and some old clothes. And with a hoe in one hand and a cold drink in the other, tell somebody else where to dig."
- Texas Bix Bender, Don't Throw in the Trowel
Housework is for people who don’t know how to garden.”
— Anonymous
“Early to bed, early to rise, work like hell and fertilize!”
— Anonymous
“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”
– Mitch Hedburg
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