"I have no plants in my house. They won't live for me. Some of them don't even wait to die, they commit suicide."
- Jerry Seinfeld
"How do you compare apples and oranges?
By their nutritional value."
- Marshall Elizer
"A man should never plant a garden larger than his wife can take care of."
- T.H. Everett
"When did my wild oats turn to prunes and all bran?"
- Lucy Parker
Housework is for people who don’t know how to garden.”
— Anonymous
"Bulb: potential flower buried in Autumn, never to be seen again."
- Henry Beard
"A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken."
- James Dent
"There are no gardening mistakes, only experiments."
— Janet Kilburn Phillips
"When I asked you to water the plants,
I did not expect you'd unzip your pants."
- Mike Garofalo
“I probably wouldn’t kill so many houseplants if they could scream for food and water the way my pets and children do.”
— Anonymous
"There's one good thing about snow, it makes your lawn look as nice as your neighbor's."
- Clyde Moore
“Anyone who has time for drama is not gardening enough”
— Anonymous
“If you are not killing plants, you are not really stretching yourself as a gardener.”
— J.C. Raulston
"Your first job is to prepare the soil. The best tool for this is your neighbor's motorized garden tiller. If your neighbor does not own a garden tiller, suggest that he buy one."
- Dave Barry
"You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think."
- Dorothy Parker
“Early to bed, early to rise, work like hell and fertilize!”
— Anonymous
Gardening is a matter of your enthusiasm holding up until your back gets used to it
— Author Unknown
“I have a green thumb. Got it when I dumped out my kale smoothie.”
— John Wagner Maxine
“Money can’t buy happiness. But it can buy plants, and that’s the same thing.”
— Anonymous
"I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died."
- Richard Diran
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