“Silence is golden…unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious.” - Anonymous
“Nurse: handing me a newborn You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese” – @mommy_cusses
“You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.” - Anonymous
"When I tell my kids I'll do something in a minute, what I'm really saying is "Please forget." - @SarcasticMommy4
“90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.” - Anonymous
“A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.” - Jerry Seinfeld
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
“Kids are expensive, I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life.”—Kate Davis
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield
“A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.” —Dave Barry
“Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” —Paula Poundstone
“I think being a good father is keeping the mother happy so she doesn’t drive the kids crazy.”
- James, ‘Look Who’s Talking.’
“How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?”
- Michael, ‘Three Men And A Baby.’
“My daughter just lost her first tooth, which is a very sweet moment for a dad. In retrospect, I do regret punching her so hard in the face.”
- Alan Cox.
“As a parent you’ve only got one job to do: Keep your daughter off the pole.”
- Chris Rock.
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”
- Judd Apatow.
“I’m totally ‘that dad’ who leaves a note in my son’s lunch box. One day I’ll actually start putting food in there also.”
- Steve Ryan.
“You want to know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours”
- Conan O’Brien.
“Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.”
- Ryan Reynolds.
“The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.”
- Paul Reiser.
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“I thought I’d never be that annoying person, but as soon as Winnie was born, I was showing iPhone snaps to a cab driver.”
- Jimmy Fallon.
“I’ve got seven kids, the three words you hear most around my house are: “Hello, goodbye, and I’m pregnant”.
- Dean Martin.
“Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million-dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.”
- Jim Bishop.
“I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.”
- Dave Barry.
“I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors.”
- Percy French.
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”
- Ernest Hemingway.
“Having a baby dragged me, kicking and screaming, from the world of self-absorption.”
- Paul Reiser.
“I used to believe my father about everything, but then I had children myself and now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.”
- Brian Andreas.
“Once you sign on to be a mother, 24/7 is the only shift they offer.”
- Jodi Picoult.
“I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said, ‘Not yet, but we placed an ad.’”
- Dana Snow.
“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.”
- Dorothy Parker.
“Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty.”
- Julia Roberts.
“I feel very blessed to have two wonderful, healthy children who keep me completely grounded, sane, and throw up on my shoes just before I go to an awards show just so I know to keep it real.”
- Reese Witherspoon.
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
- Carrie Underwood.
“Ugh it’s so hot!’…gets hit by two drops of pool water ‘splash me again and I’ll donate all your toys.’”
- Salty Mermaid.
“Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes.”
– Joyce Armor.
“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
- Milton Berle.
“Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.”
- Nia Vardalos.
“In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in television.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“Never underestimate a child’s ability to get into more trouble.”
- Martin Mull.
“Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
“There’s no such thing as ready. You just jump on a moving train and you try not to die.”
- A Dad, ‘What To Expect When You Are Expecting.’
“Your typical six-year-old is a paradoxical little person.”
- Louise Bates Ames.
“I would have made a terrible parent. The first time my child didn’t do what I wanted, I’d kill him.”
- Katherine Hepburn.