"They say true love hides in every corner. I must be walking in circles." - Unknown
"Love thy neighbor, just watch out for thy husband." - Unknown
"Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand." - Unknown
"A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it." - Unknown
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" Jean Illsley Clarke
"Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X rays, but you know it's there." George Burns
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt." Charles M. Schulz, creator of Peanuts
"True love is singing karaoke 'Under Pressure' and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part." Mindy Kaling
"It's fun to complain with someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything." Lew Schneider
"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." Garry Shandling
"It wasn't love at first sight. It took a full five minutes." Lucille Ball
"Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one." – Fran Lebowitz
"I went out with a guy once who told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, 'I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.'"
- Chelsea Handler
"Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener."
- Pauline Thomason
"Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing."
- Natasha Leggero
"People should fall in love with their eyes closed."
- Andy Warhol
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope
"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."
- Ray Romano
"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."
- Ralphie May
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
"Women love a self-confident bald man."
- Larry David.
"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
"He was happily married - but his wife wasn't."
- Victor Borge
"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."
- Amy Schumer
"If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools."
- Katherine Mansfield
"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."
- Professor Irwin Corey
"If love is the answer, could you please re-phrase the question?"
- Lily Tomlin
"I love you in a way that's nauseating to others."
- Unknown
"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby."
- Natalie Wood.
"Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome."
- Oscar Levant
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
"I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mum stay married for 33 years?’ And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.'"
- Gwyneth Paltrow
"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."
- Bill Maher
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
- Richard Jeni
"When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."
- Richard Lewis
"Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage."
- Ambrose Bierce
"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."
- Mae West
"Between men and women, there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."
- Oscar Wilde
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."
- Steven Wright
"If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire."
- George Carlin
"If you text 'I love you' to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don't love you back."
- Chelsea Peretti
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
- Joan Crawford
I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
"Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses."
- Thomas Dewar
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
"What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."
- Cindy Garner.
"Love is a two-way street constantly under construction."
- Carroll Bryant.
"Love is a lot like a toothache. It doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there."
- George Burns.
"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller