“My dad used to say, ‘Always fight fire with fire.’ Which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.”—Harry Hill
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”—Buddy Hackett
“The great advantage of living in a large family is that early lesson of life’s essential unfairness.”
- Nancy Mitford
"If you don't believe in ghosts, you've never been to a family reunion." - Ashleigh Brilliant
“What brothers say to tease their sisters has nothing to do with what they really think of them.”—Esther Friesner
“If you don’t annoy your big sister for no good reason from time to time, she thinks you don’t love her anymore.”—Pearl Cleage
“Grandmas don’t just say “that’s nice”—they reel back and roll their eyes and throw up their hands and smile. You get your money’s worth out of grandmas.”—Unknown
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them.”
- George Bernard Shaw
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance—waiting for the bathroom.”—Bob Hope
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”
- Erma Bombeck
“If minutes were kept of a family gathering, they would show that “Members not Present” and “Subjects Discussed” were one and the same.”
- Robert Brault
“It’s not easy being a mom. If it were easy, fathers would do it.”—Betty White
“The advantage of having only one child is that you always know who did it.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
- Jarod Kintz
“Home, nowadays, is a place where part of the family waits till the rest of the family brings the car back.”
- Earl Wilson.
“As I learned from growing up, you don’t mess with your grandmother.”—Prince William
“Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern…like bad wallpaper.”
- Friedrich Nietzsche.
“If your family tree does not fork, you might be a redneck.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
“One would be in less danger, from the wiles of the stranger, if one’s own kin and kith, were more fun to be with.”
- Ogden Nash
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”—Wayne Huizenga
"The greatest thing in family life is to take a hint when a hint is intended and not to take a hint when a hint isn’t intended.”
- Robert Fros
“Family life is a bit like a runny peach pie, not perfect but who’s complaining?”
- Robert Brault.
“Older siblings: the only people who will pick on you for their own entertainment and beat up anyone else who tries.”—Unknown
“A mother becomes a true grandmother the day she stops noticing the terrible things her children do because she is so enchanted with the wonderful things her grandchildren do.”—Lois Wyse
“The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.”—George Carlin
“Family is a blessing. Just keep saying that when you are irritated by something a family member says.”
- Marcelina Hardy
“Mother-daughter disagreements were, in hindsight, basically mother stating the truth and daughter taking her own sweet time coming around.”—Barbara Delinsky
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
“It was nice growing up with someone like you—someone to lean on, someone to count on…someone to tell on!”—Unknown
“Family ties mean that no matter how much you might want to run from your family, you can’t.”—Unknown
“There is no worse parent than an unhappy parent!”
― Rossana Condoleo
“Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.”
- Douglas Adams.
“Grandparents are there to help the child get into mischief they haven’t thought of yet.”—Gene Perret
“The best babysitters, of course, are the baby’s grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.”—Dave Barry
“I know family comes first, but shouldn’t that mean after breakfast?”
- Jeff Lindsay.
“Sisters never quite forgive each other for what happened when they were five.”—Pam Brown
“Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.”
- Martin Mull.
"Family: A social unit where the father is concerned with parking space, the children with outer space, and the mother with closet space." - Evan Esar
“Family is just accident...They don’t mean to get on your nerves. They don’t even mean to be your family, they just are.”
- Marsha Norman
"In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat." - Anna Quindlen
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”
- Rodney Dangerfield.
“Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.”—Chelsea Handler
“Siblings that say they never fight are most definitely hiding something.”—Lemony Snicket, Horseradish
“A man’s womenfolk, whatever their outward show of respect for his merit and authority, always regard him secretly as an ass, and with something akin to pity.”
- H. L. Mencken.
“Children really can brighten up a house, because they never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
“Never let an angry sister comb your hair.”
- Patricia McCann
“What strange creatures brothers are!”—Jane Austen
“My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.”—Spike Milligan
“Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.”
- Jerry Seinfeld
“Have you ever noticed how parents can go from the most wonderful people in the world to totally embarrassing in three seconds?”—Rick Riordan, The Red Pyramid
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