weekend Jokes

Sam and his wife Rachel were playing golf at the club when she drove a 300 yard tee shot straight down the fairway. Sam said, 'Wow I have never seen you play this well before!' 'I took lessons.' Says Rachel. A couple of days later on the tennis court in mixed doubles, she smashes her serves and never misses a point. Sam said to her: 'Wow I have never seen you hit so well before!' 'I took lessons.' Says Rachel. On the weekend they settled into a nice dinner at home. Rachel brings out the perfect plates of Beef Wellington and Sam says, 'Delicious! I have never seen you cook like this before!' 'I took lessons.' Says Rachel. After dinner she gives him THAT look and they go upstairs. About 30 minutes later Sam rolls over and says 'Wow! That was incredible, amazing, so hot! I want a divorce.'

Ned decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Carl, so they loaded up Ned's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard, so they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door, if they could spend the night. "I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed." she explained. "And I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house." "Don't worry." Ned said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. About 2 years later, Ned got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the golf weekend. He dropped in on his friend Carl and asked, "Carl, that night at the barn, in that farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland about 2 years ago, do you remember it?" "Sure I do." said Carl. "Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night and pay the widow a visit at the house?" "Well, um, yes..." Carl said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did." "And did you happen to give her a false name?" Carl's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm really sorry, buddy. I panicked a bit and gave her your name, actually. Why do you ask?" "Because I'm rich. She just died and left me everything."

Once again, the female staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for men of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following is required. Below them are 10 courses the male staff offered right back.. Whatsamatta University's Seminars For Men 1. Combating Stupidity 2. You Too Can Do Housework 3. Resistance to Beer 4. How To Properly Fill An Ice Tray 5. We Do Not Want Sleazy Underwear For Christmas 6. Understanding The Female Response To Coming Home Drunk At 4:00am 7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques (also called "Don't Wash My Silks") 9. Get A Life - Learn To Cook 10. How Not To Act Like An Idiot When You Are Obviously Wrong 11. Spelling - Even You Can Get It Right 12. Understanding Your Financial Incompetence 13. You, The Weaker Sex 14. Reasons To Give Flowers 15. Garbage - Getting It To The Curb 16. You Cannot Always Wear Whatever You Please 17. How To Put Down A Toilet Seat 18. Give Me A Break - Why We Know Your Excuses Are Lies 19. How To Go Shopping With Your Mate Without Getting Lost 20. The Remote Control - Overcoming Your Dependency 21. Helpful Posture Hints For Couch Potatoes 22. Mother-in-Laws Are People Too 23. The Weekend And Sports Are Not Synonymous 24. How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children 25. You Too Can Be A Designated Driver 26. Male Bonding: Leave Your Friends At Home 27. Attainable Goal - Omitting Foul Expletives From Vocabulary 28. You Don't Really Need That Porsche Whatsamatta University's Seminars For Women Fall Catalogue Once again, the male staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for women of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following is required. 1. Combatting The Impulse To Nag 2. You Can Change The Oil Too 4. How To Properly Fill A Beer Mug 5. We Do Not Want Ties For Christmas 6. Understanding The Female Causes Of Male Drunkenness 7. How To Do All Your Laundry In One Load And Have More Time To Watch Football 8. Parenting - Your Husband Gave You Children So You Could Have Someone Other Than Him To Boss Around 9. How To Encourage Your Husband To Cook More And Be Able To Stomach His Slop 10. How Not To Sob Like A Sponge When Your Husband Is Right 11. Get A Life - Learn To Kill Spiders Yourself 12. Balancing A Checkbook - Even You Can Get It Right 13. Comprehending Credit Card Spending Limits And Financial Responsibility 14. You, The Whining Sex 15. Shopping - Doing It In Less Than 16 Hours 16. If You Want To Know How That Looks On You, Ask Your Mother 17. How To Close The Garage Door 18. If You Don't Want An Excuse, Don't Demand An Explanation 19. How To Go Fishing With Your Mate And Not Catch Pneumonia 20. Living Without Power Windows - How To Turn A Crank 21. Romanticism - The Whole Point Of Caviar, Candles, And Conversation 22. How To Retain Your Composure While Your Husband Is Relaxing By Himself 23. Why You Don't Need To Invite Your Mother Over Every Weekend 24. Payday And Shopping Are Not Synonymous 25. How To Act Younger Than Your Mother 26. You Too Can Carry A Backpack 27. Female Friendship - Why Your Best Friends Are Not The Women Who Complain About You The Most 28. Learning To Appreciate The Beer Belly And Lard Butt Morphologies Of Men 29. Attainable Goal - Catching A Ball Before It Stops Moving 30. How To Close The Top On The Toothpaste

At NC State University, there were four sophomores taking Organic Chemistry. They did so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs that each had an "A" so far for the semester. These four friends were so confident that, the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to the University of Virginia and party with some friends there. They had a great time. However, after all the hard-partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Raleigh until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it. They explained that they had gone to UVA for the weekend with the plan to return Sunday to study, but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final. The Professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The gals were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, worth 5 points. It was something simple about free radical formation. "Cool," they thought at the same time, each one in her separate room, "this is going to be easy." Each finished the problem and then turned the page. On the second page was written: 'For 95 points: Which of your tires was flat?'

A man in his mid-forties bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to see what the engine had. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. “There’s no way they can catch a BMW,” he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, then 100, and finally reality hit him and he knew he shouldn’t run from the police, so he slowed down and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. “It’s been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it’s Friday the 13th. I don’t feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, you can go.” The guy thinks for a second and says: “Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back.” “Have a nice weekend,” said the officer, and walked away.

Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in London. The Brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus. The Blonde team rides on the top level. The Brunette team down below is living it up having a great time, when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decides to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reaches the top, she finds all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight-ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles. She says, "What the heck's goin' on up here? We're havin' a grand time downstairs!" One of the Blondes looks up and says, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"

A young man from Nebraska moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The manager asks, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid replies, "Yeah, I was one of the best Bible salesmen back in Omaha." The boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You can start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?” The kid responds, "One."The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?" "$101,237.65." "$101,237.65? Holy Mother of Mary! What did you sell him?" "Well, it went like this. First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then, I sold him a medium fish hook. Then, I sold him a larger fish hook. Then, I sold him a new fishing rod. Then, I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him a twin engine Boston Whaler. Then, he said he didn't think his car would pull it, so I took him down to the automobile department and sold him a 4x4 truck with all the bells and whistles." "So let me get this straight." Said the astounded manager. "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook, and you sold him a boat and a truck?!" "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Friend, your weekend's shot. You might as well go fishing."

An older, white-haired gentleman walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young girl at his side. He told the jeweler he wanted a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and found a $5,000 ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something much more special." The jeweler went to his special stock in the safe and brought another ring back. "This one's $40,000." The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man said, "I'll take it!" The jeweler asked how payment would be made, and the old man said, "By check, but I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now, and you can call the bank on Monday to verify funds. I'll pick up the ring on Monday afternoon." Monday morning, the jeweler called the old man saying, "There's no money in that account!" The old man said, "I know I know, but let me tell you about the weekend I just had!"

A man walks up to the counter. "Two pairs of underwear please." The man behind the counter looks at him in disbelief. "Only two pairs of underwear?" "Yup. I wear one while the other is in the wash." The man behind the counter looks at him in disgust, then rings out his order. A second man walks in. "5 pairs of underwear please." "Only 5 eh?" "Yeah, I wear one for every weekday, then go commando all the weekend." The man behind the counter shakes his head. "Well, you're better then the last guy!" A third man walks in. "7 pairs of underwear please." "Finally, a man who knows hygiene!" "Yes, I do try. One for every day, and I do my laundry on Sunday." At the end of the day, a fourth man walks into the underwear store. "12 pairs of underwear please." "Wow! You must be really clean!" The man smiles. "Yup, that's me! Err, hang on, let me see if I counted right. January, February, March, April..."

A man was in a bar with his buddies, recounting the events of the previous week. It was payday the previous Friday, so he had decided to stay out with his friends for a spot of drinking. An evening out turned into a whole weekend of partying, and he only returned home on Sunday night, to bear his wife's inevitable wrath. “My wife wasn’t too pleased that I didn’t show up for a whole weekend,” he said. “What did she say to you?” asked his buddies. “Well, she just nagged for what seemed like an eternity, then at one point, she asked me how I’d like it if I didn’t see her for two or three days,” he replied. “And what did you say?” they asked. “I told her it would be fine by me!” “So did she leave?” "Well no, she didn’t leave, but the joke’s on her. On the third day, my left eye opened up a little bit."

Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for doing drugs. The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday and you better have gotten some results or you're going straight to jail." On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "Seventeen people? That's wonderful. How did you do it? " "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o. Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable," says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." "Wow!" says the judge. "156 people! How did you manage to do that?" "Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says. "I drew two circles like this: o O. Then I pointed to the little circle and said, 'This is your sphincter before prison... '"

A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk. "You need to use 'grownup' words," she'd always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana." "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use grownup words!" She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo." She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use grownup words." She then asked Bobby what he had done. "I read a book," he replied. "That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?" Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the Sh*t."

After a weekend vacation, the sear gent got to the military base only to find out that none of his soldiers made it on time. It took 3 hours before they started showing up. By then he was about to explode with rage. He decided to summon each of them to his office and get an explanation. The first soldier walks in, and the Sergeant asks: "Well, what's your excuse for showing up so late?" "Sorry, sir! I can explain! You see, I was late for the bus and had to hitchhike, no cars stopped, and then suddenly, an old man driving a horse and buggy stops and offers me a ride! Well, you know, I couldn't refuse the man's kind gesture, and I got on, only it took forever to get here, and that's why I was late!" "Hmmph," said the surprised Sergeant, "I guess that's a reasonable explanation." and he let the soldier go. He called the next soldier in and asked for his excuse. "Sorry, sir! I can explain! You see, I was late for the bus and had to hitchhike, then this old woman with a horse and carriage stopped for me..." and the soldier tells him the same story, that he was late because the buggy was so slow. One after another, all the soldiers file in and tell him the exact same story. They all felt too bad to say no, and were late as a consequence. The last soldier than walks in, and the Sergeant, now quite angry, says: "I suppose you hitch-hiked too?" His voice dripping with sarcasm. "Yes sir!" "And I suppose you also got a ride?" "Yes sir!" "And I suppose it was on a horse and buggy?" "No sir!" "No???" asked the surprised Sergeant. "No sir, it was a 2014 Mercedes, sir!" "Then why the heck were you late??" Shouted the sergeant. "We tried to make good time sir," answered the soldier apologetically, "but the road was completely blocked with horses and buggies!"

A guy receives an ad in the mail for a golf resort where everything costs one dollar. He jumps at the offer and heads off for a weekend of fun in the sun. He arrives and plays a round of golf. It cost him a buck. When he goes for dinner that evening, it costs him another buck. His room is only a buck a day! The day before he's to check out, he heads out to play a last round and stops by the pro shop and charges a sleeve of three balls to his room. When he's checking out next morning, he looks at the bill and sees: Golf: $1.00 Dinner: $1.00 Room: $1.00. Sleeve of golf balls: $3,000.00 He asks the Manager, "What is this all about? Everything is supposed to cost one dollar, and you charged me three thousand for three golf balls?" "I'm sorry, sir," said the manager, "but you didn't read the fine print in our promotional brochure. That's what our golf balls cost." "Well," said the man, If I wanted to spend that kind of money, I could've gone to that luxury hotel across the street and paid them a thousand dollars a day for a room. At least I would've known what I was paying for!" "That's right, sir, you could have," said the manager. "Over there they get you by the room. Over here we get you by the balls."

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time. After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over. The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top, which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him. But, alas, Andy refused. "Gosh, I'd really like to help you..." He told the warden, "but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place!"

A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas." The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish? He says, "Yes! Lot's of Walleye, some Bluegill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?" "I did, they're in your tackle box."

Phil, a program manager at a small business, walks out of his office and waves goodbye to his team of employees: Joe, Rick, and Andy. They see Phil walking out, and unenthusiastically wave back. A disgruntled Andy looks at the guys and says: “Can you believe this? Every day for the last 6 months this monkey leaves at 4:00 leaving the rest of us to work overtime.” Joe: “I wish he would help us though, or at least hire more help. I’ve been watching re-runs of my favorite shows on the weekends because I keep missing them.” Rick: “I know, it’s just not fair. I have kids I want to spend time with.” Andy: “I don’t care about the project anymore. I haven’t had a home-cooked dinner in months because I’m always stuck working.” Rick: “Well what can we do? We can’t just ignore our work and leave like Phil does. We have deadlines.” The guys all agree Rick was right and continue to work ridiculous hours for the next week. One day at lunch Andy pipes up again. Andy: “I’m sick of working these hours. I never get to see my wife, and Phil clearly has no idea how long we are here every night.” Joe: “I know man. I missed last night's episode of my favorite show, and now I have to avoid everyone who watched it.” Rick: “I hear you both. I’ve missed every soccer game the boys had this month and my wife keeps hassling me about it.” Andy: “You know what we should do? We should just leave early like Phil does. Forget working late.” Rick: “What!? We can’t do that. If we leave early, we will fall behind even more than we already are.” Joe: “Yeah, what are you thinking Andy? Plus, we will get caught and could lose our jobs.” Andy: “Hear me out, first guys. Phil is our manager. He is the only one we report to, and how would he even know? He leaves every day at 4:00 on the dot. We just simply leave 15 minutes after he does.” Joe: “I don’t know, Andy. That sounds really risky.” Andy: “Come on. Don’t you want to see those shows you always talk about? How about you Rick? Don’t you want to see your kids play in their soccer games?” Both Andy and Rick nod their heads in agreement. Rick: “Okay but how would we— when would we even do this? Surely not today?” Andy: “I don’t see why not? Rick, your boys have a game tonight, right? It would be a great surprise for them to have you show up, and I bet your wife would forget all about the games you missed.” Rick: “Yeah that would be a nice surprise for all of them.” Joe: “So we're doing it? We're all leaving today 15 minutes after Phil does?” Andy: “Yes. Now let’s finish up lunch and get back to work.” The three guys go back to work, occasionally glancing at the clock just counting down the time till they could leave. Sure enough, 4:00 rolls around and Phil comes strolling out of his office waving goodbye to his team. All three wave back, this time a little more eager to bid their boss farewell. Fifteen minutes fly by and as they planned, each gets up from their desk and leaves for the day. The next morning Rick, And, and Joe all meet up at the coffee machine in the break room at work. Joe, all eager from binge watching his favorite shows, asked the other guys, “So how were your nights off??” Rick: “Mine was great. The boys were totally surprised I showed up, they won their game and my wife was so happy.” Joe: “That’s great Rick! I finally got caught up on my shows and even had time to start a new show.” Rick: “What about you Andy, did you get that home cooked dinner you’ve been missing?” Andy: “Heck no. I was pulling into the driveway and I see Phil’s truck sitting right there. At first, I wasn’t sure, if it was him so I snuck out back to peek through the windows and sure enough he was sitting there having dinner with my wife. I got so scared he would see me, so I hauled my butt back here. We definitely won't be skipping out early again boys!”

A retired Army General moves into a new apartment after quitting service. Over the next few weeks, his new neighbors realized that on the weekends he would return to his apartment at 2am very drunk, remove his left boot and slam it on the floor, remove his right boot and slam it on the floor even harder and then go to sleep. Since the force of these thunderous slams was enough to wake up almost everyone around him, and this was a family complex no less, the neighbors decided to go to his house and confront him about this one morning. "Mr. General Sir, thank you for your service to our country, and we welcome you to our apartment complex." "Thank you." "Sir, we realize that serving the country for so long can really take a toll on someone, and we want you to enjoy your retirement..." "Okay?" "But, sir, can you please, kindly, not slam your boots down in the middle of the night once you return home on the weekends? It's waking us and our kids up." "Oh! I didn't know that. I am sorry for waking all of you up like that, how stupid of me, it won't happen again." "Thank you so much, sir." The next weekend the General returns home drunk and sits on his bed. He removes his left boot and slams it on the floor. He removes his right boot and - "Wait a minute... this is what they were talking about, isn't it?" he says to himself in his drunken stupor. He gently places the right boot next to the left one and goes to bed. An hour or so later the General wakes up to the sounds of the doorbell ringing continuously and heavy knocking on his door. He gets up, waddles over to the door and opens it to find a group of his neighbors standing outside in their nightclothes... "SIR! Can you please just slam the other boot already so we can all get some sleep!!?"