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ugly woman Jokes

ugly woman Jokes and more.

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Shenanigans in a Dark Tunnel

Our story starts a few years ago, as a train is speeding along through the city. Four people sit in one of its compartments: A beautiful, vivacious young woman, an old, matronly woman, a poor man and a rich man. Suddenly, the train goes through a tunnel. It is completely dark. Then a loud kiss and an equally powerful slap are heard. When the train exits the tunnel, the rich man is holding the side of his face in agony, while the poor man is grinning uncontrollably. The old matronly woman thinks: "Now that's a fine young woman, the poor man tries to steal a kiss in the tunnel and the lady slaps him one – and rightly so!" The young woman thinks: "Now that's a strange rich man - he'd rather kiss that old hag than me." The rich man thinks: "Now that's a smart poor man, he steals a kiss and I’m the one who gets slapped." The poor man is thinking: "Good, soon we'll be entering another tunnel, I'll kiss the back of my hand again and slap that millionaire silly!”

The Angry Woman and the Walmart Greeter

An angry woman with two kids enters Walmart, shouting angrily at the children and at anyone who crosses her path. The greeter at the reception says cheerfully to her: "Good morning and welcome to Walmart." "Shut the F up." Grunts the woman. Unperturbed, he says: "Cute kids! Are they twins?" The horrible woman stopped shouting just enough to say, "Hell, they’re not twins! The older is 9 and the other is 7! Are you blind or just stupid?" "Neither. It's just hard to believe someone slept with you twice."

A Female Secret

Some women are gathered and the subject of conversation turns to lovemaking and then birth control. The first woman says "We're Catholic so we can't use it." The next woman says "I am too but we use the rhythm method." The third woman says "I'm catholic too but we use the bucket and saucer method." "What the heck is the bucket and saucer method?", the others ask. "Well, I'm five foot eleven... and my husband is five foot two. We make love standing up with him standing on a bucket, and when his eyes get big as saucers I kick the bucket out from under him."

Ear Puns

Every Elderly Woman's Wish...

Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now passed-away Prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat called Alan for companionship. One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said: "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?" The Fairy Godmother replied: "Well, Cinderella, as you have lived a good, wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you three wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?" Cinderella was overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, almost under her breath, she uttered her first wish: "I wish I was wealthy beyond comprehension." Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned. Alan, her old faithful cat, jumped off her lap and scampered to the edge of the porch, quivering with fear. Cinderella said: "Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother!" The Fairy Godmother replied: "It's the least I can do. What does your heart desire for your second wish?" Cinderella looked down at her frail body and said: "I wish I were young and full of the beauty of youth again." At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years. And long forgotten vigor and vitality began to course through her very soul. Then the Fairy Godmother again spoke: "You have one more wish, what will you have?" Cinderella looked over to the frightened cat in the corner and said: "I wish you to transform Alan my old cat into a beautiful and handsome young man." Magically, Alan suddenly underwent a fundamental change in his biological make-up, that, when complete, he stood before her a boy so beautiful - the likes of which neither she nor the world had ever seen - so fair indeed that birds began to fall from the sky at his feet. The Fairy Godmother again spoke: "Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy your new life!" And, with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone. For a few eerie moments, Alan and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect boy she had ever seen. Then Alan walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his strong, youthful arms. He leaned in close to her ear, whispered, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath: "I bet you regret having me neutered now, don't you?"

Dolphin Puns

The Old Woman and the Shopkeeper

An elderly woman visited a store that sold jade and requested seven kilograms of potatoes. The owner was delighted to help and started packing the potatoes. However, the woman stopped him and requested that each potato be wrapped individually. The man complied and asked if there was anything else he could help with. The woman then requested four kilograms of onions to be wrapped in a similar manner. The shop owner packed the onions and asked if there was anything else. The woman requested seven kilograms of carrots. "Let me guess," said the owner with a sour face, "you want them wrapped individually." "Oh, that would be grand." she said. The shop owner fulfilled her request and packed all her items in a bag. The woman then asked: "What are in those crates behind you?" The man flushed red and said "Madam, these are grapes and they are not for sale!"

If I Had a Dollar... Jokes

Rejection Pick Up Lines

Funny Nature Quotes

The Baby's Check-Up

A woman went into a doctor's office with a baby. She's taken into an examining room and waits for the doctor. The doctor examines the baby, and finds him not gaining much weight and asks the woman, "Is he breast fed or on the bottle?" "Oh... he is breast fed!" replied the woman. "Well then, strip down to your waist," orders the doctor. She takes off her top and bra and sits on the examining table. The doc starts pressing, kneading and pinching both breasts for quite a while in a very detailed and thorough examination. After a few minutes of this, the doctor motions to her to get dressed, then he says - "No wonder this baby is so hungry. You don't have any milk!" The woman responds with a wry grin, "Well of course I don't." "Why is that?" Asks the doctor in surprise. "Well, I'm his aunt, but I'm SURE GLAD I brought him in today!"

A Woman of Good Reason

A farmer took his truck in for repairs. The local mechanic's couldn't do it while he waited: so, as he didn't live far, he said he would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem. - how to carry his entire purchases home. While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?" she asked. "Well, “ said the farmer, “as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would gladly walk you there, but I can't carry this lot." “Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket,” suggested the little old lady, “carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?' “Why, thank you very much,” he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he said. “'Let's take my shortcut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.” The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, “I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?” “Holy smokes lady!”, the farmer said. “I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?” “Well, if you WERE to do such a thing,” the old lady replied, “you would set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I would hold the chickens.”

Puns

The Italian and the Insatiable Woman

An Italian guy is out picking up women in Rome. While at his favorite bar, he manages to attract one rather attractive looking blonde. So they’re back at his place, and sure enough, they go at it. After they are done the Italian sits back pleased. Then he rolls over, lights up a cigarette and asks her, “So… you finish?” After a slight pause. She replies, “No.” Surprised, but pleasantly, he puts out his cigarette, rolls back on top of her, and has his way with her again, this time lasting even longer than the first. Again he rolls over, lights a cigarette, and asks, “So…. you finish?” And again, after a short pause, she simply says “No.” Stunned, but still acting reflexively on his macho pride, he once again puts out the cigarette, and mounts his companion du jour. This time, with all the strength he could muster up, he barely manages to end the task, but he does, after quite some time and energy is spent. Barely able to roll over, he reaches for his cigarette … lights it again, and then asks tiredly, “So….....please.... you FINISH?” “No no, I’m Swedish!” Says the blonde.

Dad Jokes

Funny Poems

A Lift in the Desert

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car. Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally. 'What in bag?' asked the old woman. Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.' The woman was silent for another moment or two. Then, speaking with quiet wisdom, she said, 'Good trade.'

Garden Puns

The Hillbilly Maneuver

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallaw?' The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?' The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no. The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seen nobody do it!'

The Ugly Baby

Lady sits down on a train. Man sitting next to her turns to her and says, "Lady, that is the ugliest baby I have ever seen. That baby looks in a mirror, it's going to shatter. You oughta put a bag on that baby's head. That baby is just ugly." The woman, horrified, stands up and shouts for the conductor. "Conductor, this man has insulted me." "I'm so sorry, ma'am," the conductor replies. "What he did is totally unacceptable on this train. I will deal with him later, but for now, please come with me. We'll give you a nice seat in the first-class carriage — and a banana for your monkey.

April Fools Jokes

Jokes For Women

Guess the Airline...

A man is sitting in the bar at a busy airport. A beautiful woman walks in and sits down next to him. He presumes, because she's got a uniform on, she's probably an off duty flight attendant. So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for thereby impressing her greatly. He leans across to her and says the Delta Airline motto: "We love to fly and it shows". The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line. He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto: "Winning the hearts of the world". Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face. Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto: "Going beyond expectations". The woman looks at him wearily and says: "What the heck do you WANT, moron?" "Ah!" he says, sitting back with a smile on his face. "American Airlines..."

A Rabbi in the Confession Booth

A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do. The rabbi comes, and he and the priest are in the confessional. After a few minutes a woman enters and says, "Father forgive me for I have sinned." The priest asks "What did you do?". The woman says, "I committed adultery." Priest: "How many times?" Woman: "Three times." Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more." A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says "Father forgive me for I have sinned." Priest: "What did you do?" Man: "I committed adultery." Priest:"How many times?" Man: "Three times." Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's put $5 in the box and go and sin no more." The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it, so the priest leaves. A few minutes later another woman enters and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned." Rabbi: "What did you do?" Woman: "I committed adultery." Rabbi: "How many times?" Woman: "Once." Rabbi: "Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for $5."

I Wonder If It's Him...

I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma on the wall, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class, some 30-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on way back then? Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man was way too old to have been my classmate. After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Northmont high school. "Yes. Yes, I did. I'm a thunderbolt," he said gleaming with pride. "When did you graduate?" I asked. He answered, "in 1975. Why do you ask?" "You were in my class!", I exclaimed. He looked at me closely, then, the ugly, old, bald, wrinkle-faced, fat, gray-haired, decrepit fool asked, "What did you teach?"

The Parrot and the New House

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. "Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her and said: "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a brothel, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar things." The woman thought about this but decided she wanted the bird anyway. She took it home, hung its cage in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said: "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought: "that's not so bad." When her two teenage daughters returned from school. The bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls." The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation. Moments later, the woman's husband came home from work. The bird looked at him and said: "New house, new madam, new girls - old clients!"

The Mystery Woman at the Bar

This bachelor goes into a bar and notices a major hottie, always alone, who comes in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move. Despite his best game, the bachelor couldn't achieve any progress with her. "No thank you," she would always say." The man was determined, this cutie was worth giving up the game. They had an instant connection, but things never got past the formalities! At the end of the night he finally caved. "Why won't you come home with me?" he whined to her. The woman said: "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love." "Wow, that must be rather difficult." the bachelor said. "Oh, I don't mind too much," she said. "But it has my husband pretty upset."

Funny Animal Quotes

The Easter Bunny Gets Run Over

Once upon a time, there was a man who was peacefully driving down a windy road. Suddenly, a bunny skipped across the road and the man couldn't stop. He hit the bunny head on. The man quickly jumped out of his car to check the scene. There, lying lifeless in the middle of the road, was the Easter Bunny. The man cried out, "Oh no! I have committed a terrible crime! I have run over the Easter Bunny!" The man started sobbing quite hard and then he heard another car approaching. It was a woman in a red convertible. The woman stopped and asked what the problem was. The man explained, "I have done something horribly sad. I have run over the Easter Bunny. Now there will be no one to deliver eggs on Easter, and it's all my fault." The woman ran back to her car. A moment later, she came back carrying a spray bottle. She ran over to the motionless bunny and sprayed it. The bunny immediately sprang up, ran into the woods, stopped, and waved back at the man and woman. Then it ran another 10 feet, stopped, and waved. It then ran another 10 feet, stopped, and waved again. It did this over and over and over again until the man and the woman could no longer see the bunny. Once out of sight, the man exclaimed, "What is that stuff in that bottle?" The woman replied, "It's harespray. It revitalizes hare and adds permanent wave."

The Old Man and the Pill

An elderly lady went to the doctor and asked for his help in reviving her husband’s passion. “Why don’t you give him Viagra?” the doctor asked. “Oh, no,” the woman replied. “He doesn't even take aspirin for a headache!” “That’s not a problem,” the doctor told her. “Just crush up the pill and slip it into his coffee. He’ll never even know.” Several days later, the old woman returned to the doctor, and he asked her if his suggestions worked. “Oh, Doctor!” she exclaimed. “It was horrible! I did just as you said and as soon as he finished his coffee, he jumped up from the table, ripped off my clothes and took me right there on the table, we made love for a whole hour!!” “And that was horrible?” the doctor asked, puzzled. “Oh, the love making was wonderful!” the old woman exclaimed... “But I can never show my face in that coffee shop again!"

The Doctor Expert

One night a man and a woman are both at a bar knocking back a few beers. They start talking and come to realize that they're both doctors. After about an hour, the man says to the woman, "Hey. How about if we sleep together tonight. No strings attached. It'll just be one night of fun." The woman doctor agrees to it. So they go back to her place and he goes in the bedroom. She goes in the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she's about to go into the operating room. She scrubs for a good 10 minutes. Finally she goes in the bedroom and they have intercourse for an hour or so. Afterwards, the man says to the woman, "You're a surgeon, aren't you?" "Yeah, how did you know?" The man says, "I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started." "Oh, that makes sense", says the woman. " You're an anesthesiologist aren't you?" "Yeah", says the man , a bit surprised. "How did you know?" "Because I didn't feel a thing."

Peach Puns

Quotes

Three Funerals and a Wedding

A woman makes a new friend at the gym, a beautiful woman. A few months later, she gets a wedding invitation. Excited, she asks her friend if this is her first marriage. "Fourth, actually." Says the other woman . Her friend says, "Fourth?? How.. how wonderful." Curiosity gets the better of her and she asks, "I hope you don’t mind me asking what happened to your first three husbands?" The woman replies, "First one ate poisonous mushrooms and died." "Oh, how tragic!" she gasps. "What about your second husband?" "He ate poisonous mushrooms too and died." the woman replies. Feeling shocked, "Oh, how terrible! I am almost afraid to ask you about your third husband. Did he eat poison mushrooms, too?" she asks. "Oh, no. He died of a broken neck." Came her reply. Her friend asks, "A broken neck?" The woman calmly looks at her and says, "He wouldn’t eat his mushrooms.."

Weather Pick Up Lines

Why Do I Have to Stay There?

A wealthy man died and went to heaven. He was met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter, who welcomed him warmly and told him he will be taken to his forever heavenly dwelling. He then led him down the streets of gold. They passed castle after fantastic castle, then huge mansion after mansion, then beautiful cottages, until they came to the very end of the street and Saint Peter stopped the rich man in front of a little wooden shack that looks like its about to fall down. “Welcome Home.” said Saint Peter. “Why do I get this ugly thing when there are so many mansions I could live in?” the man demanded. “We did the best we could with the money you sent us!” Saint Peter replied.

One Liners and Short Jokes

Father, I Must Confess My Sins

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven." The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad, passionate love to me seven times." The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice." The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?" The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."

Christian Pick Up Lines

Little Johnny Gets a Warning

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said: "Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that." Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."

The Blonde and the Trees

A woman had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived. “My God!” the trooper gasped. “Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma’am?” “Yes, officer, I’m just fine.” the woman, drunk as a skunk, chirped. “Well, how in the world did this happen?” the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car. “Officer, it was the strangest thing!” the inebriated woman began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I served to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was…” “Uh, ma’am?”, the officer said, cutting her off. “There isn’t a tree on this road for 30 miles - that was your air freshener swinging back and forth.”

Charm School

Two socialites are conversing on the porch of a large white-pillared mansion. The first woman said, "When my first child was born, my husband built this beautiful mansion for me." The the second woman commented, "Well, isn't that nice?" The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me that Ferrari you see parked in the drive." Again, the second woman commented, "Well, isn't that nice?" The first woman boasted, "Then when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet." Yet again, the second woman commented, "Well, isn't that nice?" The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?" The second woman replied, "My husband sent me to charm school." "Charm school!" the first woman cried. "For heaven's sake, child, what on Earth for?" "Well, it comes in very handy. For example, instead of saying, 'Who gives a damn,' I learned to say, 'Well, isn't that nice?'

The Convincing Woman

Four members of the clergy had a theological argument about the intricacies of their practice. Eventually, the three male ministers were arguing against the one female minister. The woman prayed, "Lord, I know I'm right. Please send us a divine sign to prove that my point is correct." A big storm cloud materialized, and there was a clap of thunder, "See," said the woman. "It's a sign from above." The three clergymen disagreed, saying thunder is a common phenomenon. "Dear Lord," the woman prayed, "I need a bigger sign." This time a bolt of lightning slammed into a tree. "See! I told you I was right," the woman said. But the men insisted nothing had happened that couldn't be explained by natural causes. "Help me, Lord," the woman implored. And a deep voice came from the heavens: "SSSHHHEEE'S RRRIIIGGGHHHTTT!!!" The woman turned to the three clergymen and asked, "Well?" "Okay, okay," they said. "But it's still three against two."

His Happiness Was Worth Protecting

A man lies on his deathbed, surrounded by his family: a weeping wife and four children. Three of the children are tall, good-looking and athletic, but the fourth and youngest is an ugly runt. "Darling wife," the husband whispers, "assure me that the youngest child really is mine. I want to know the truth before I die, I will forgive you if-" The wife gently interrupts him. "Yes, my dearest, absolutely, no question, I swear on my mother's grave that you are his father." The man then dies, happy. "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three." Muttered the wife.

Heavenly Ducks

Three women die and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says: “We only have one rule here in heaven: do not step on the ducks!!” So they enter heaven, and there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says: “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this man!” The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman. The third woman has observed all this and is very careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The happy woman says: “I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?” The guy says: “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck!”

The Supportive Wife

A retired gentleman went into the social security office to apply for social security. After waiting in line for a long time, he got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. “Will I have to go home and come back now?” he asked. The woman said, “Unbutton your shirt.” So he opened his shirt, revealing lots of silver, curly hair. She said, “That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me.” And she processed his social security application. When he got home, the man excitedly told his wife about his experience at the social security office. She sniffed at him, “You should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too.”

Before We Die

A beautiful woman is sitting next to a teenage boy on a plane. There is terrible turbulence and then the plane goes into a sudden nose dive. The Captain comes on the intercom and says “I hate to have to tell you this folks, but we might not walk away from this one.” Everyone begins to panic except for the boy who sheepishly turns to the woman and says, “I hate to trouble you miss, but we might die and I’ve never kissed anyone.” The woman is at first taken aback but after a moment realizes she might as well make the kid happy in their final moments. She passionately kisses him. The boy, elated, goes on, “Sorry to bother you again after such a lovely kiss, but we might die and I’ve never felt a breast.” Again the woman is taken aback but decides there is no harm in it and slides his hand under her shirt. After a good long feel, the boy again says “you’ve been so kind already but please, I don’t want to die never having made love to a woman. Already committed to helping this boy have new experiences before they die, the woman smiles and begins to undo his belt. Just then the plane levels off. As everyone exits the plane they shake hands with the captain and congratulate him. The woman walks off the plain she says “thank you so much for saving us from certain death.” The boy says “just a LITTLE longer next time dad!”

Tree Puns

The Men, The Woman and the Train Ride

Three women and three men are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three men each buy tickets and watch as the three women buy only a single ticket. ”How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asks one of the guys. ”Watch and you’ll see,” answers a woman. All of them board the train. The men take their respective seats but all three women cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, “Ticket, please.” The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The men saw this and agreed it was a clever idea. So after the conference, the men decide to copy the women on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the women don’t buy a ticket at all. ”How are you going to travel without a ticket?” says one of the perplexed men. ”Watch and you’ll see,” is the answer. When they board the train the three men cram into a restroom and the three women cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterwards, one of the women leaves her restroom and walks over to the restroom where the men are hiding. She knocks on the door and says in a low voice, “Ticket, please.”

Clean Jokes

Two Boys See a Naked Woman

One day, there were two boys playing by a stream. One boy went over to the bush to check out some noises. He pointed out a woman bathing naked in the steam. So, both boys decided to stay and watch her. All of a sudden the second boy took off running. The first boy couldn't understand why he ran away, so he took off after his friend. Finally, he caught up to him and asked his friend why he had run away. The second boy said to his friend, "My mum told me that if I ever saw a naked lady, I’d turn to stone.” "I felt something getting hard, so I ran."

Sports Puns

Leg Puns

Clothes Pick Up Lines

Music Puns

A Sudden Confession

A woman driver is speeding along the highway, when suddenly she gets stopped by a police car which instructs her to pull over. Woman: "Is there a problem, Officer?" Officer: "Ma'am, you were speeding." Woman: "Oh, I see." Officer: "Can I see your license please?" Woman: "I'd give it to you but I don't have one." Officer: "Don't have one?" Woman: "Lost it 4 times for drunk driving." Officer: "I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please." Woman: "I can't do that." Officer: "Why not?" Woman: "I stole this car." Officer: "Stole it?" Woman: "Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner." Officer: "You what?" Woman: "His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see." The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun. Sargent: "Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!" The woman steps out of her vehicle. Woman: "Is there a problem sir?" Sargent: "One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner." Woman: "Murdered the owner?" Sargent: "Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please." The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk. Sargent: "Is this your car, ma'am?" Woman: "Yes, here are the registration papers." The first officer is stunned. Sargent: "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license." The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. Sargent: "Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner." Woman: "I bet the bastard will say I was speeding too."

A Series of Coincidences

A chicken farmer went to the local bar. He sat next to a woman and ordered champagne. The woman said: "How strange, I also just ordered a glass of champagne." "What a coincidence," said the farmer, who added, " It is a special day for me. I am celebrating." "It is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!" said the woman. "What a coincidence!" said the farmer. While they toasted, the farmer asked, "What are you celebrating?" "My husband and I have been trying to have a child for years, and today, my gynecologist told me that I was pregnant." "What a coincidence," said the man. "I am a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile, but now they are all set to lay fertilized eggs." "This is incredible," said the woman. "What did you do for your chickens to become fertile?" "I used a different rooster," he said. "What a coincidence." Smiled the woman.

Haggling With the Dentist

One day, a woman walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth. "Eighty dollars," the dentist says. "That's a ridiculous amount!" the woman says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?" "Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an anesthetic, I can knock the price down to $60." "That's still too expensive," replies the woman. "Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I can knock the price down to $20." "Nope," moans the woman, "it's still too much." "Well," says the dentist, scratching his head, "if I let one of my students do it, I suppose I can knock the price down to $10." "Marvelous," says the woman. "May I book my mother-in-law for next Tuesday please?"

With Age Comes Wisdom

A 75 year old woman had one hobby - she loved to fish. She was sitting in his boat the other day when she heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.' she looked around and couldn't see anyone. She thought she was dreaming when she heard the voice say again, 'Pick me up!' She looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog. The woman said, 'Are you talking to me?' The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up, then kiss me; and I'll turn into the most beautiful man you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous, because I will be your groom!' The woman looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully and placed it in her shirt pocket. The frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said?' I said, 'Kiss me, and I will be your beautiful husband.' She opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, 'Nah. At my age, I'd rather have a talking frog.' With age - comes wisdom!

Polish Short Jokes

A Polish woman wakes up her husband in the middle of the night. "What happened?" The husband asks worriedly. "Nothing..." said his wife, "I just don't understand how you can sleep with such a small salary." * * * A Polish father tell his daughter: "My darling, don't merry this man. He's crippled, ugly and an orphan." The daughter, surprised and angry, tells him: "I only care about love, daddy, I don't care about his looks or his background." Her father says to her: "I'm not talking about that. Don't you think he's suffered enough?" * * * A polish man goes to the doctor and complains: "Doc I have a problem, my wife is cheating on me, but I'm not growing any horns!" The doctor, amused, explains to him that the whole cheating and horns thing is only a metaphor. The man breaths in relief. "Thank god! I thought I was low on Calcium!" * * * Two Polish husbands are talking. One says: "My best friend, Jimmy, ran away with my wife." The second asks: "Is he still your best friend?" "Not since he brought her back." * * * A Polish husband says to his friend: "Don't ask, my parrot died." The friend: "Of old age?" "No, of frustration. Since I got married he hasn't been able to get a word in edgewise." * * * A Polish mother asks her daughter: "I understand you've been having some disagreements with your fiance' about the wedding?" The daughter: "Just small things, like I want a white dress and he doesn't want to get married." * * * "Will you cry at my funeral?" Asks a Polish husband his wife. "Sure," answers the wife, "you know I cry over the silliest things."

A Case of Defamation

A woman was sued by a man for defamation of character. He charged that she had called him a pig. She was found guilty and fined. After the trial, she asked the judge: "Does this mean I cannot call Mr. Johnson a pig?" The judge said that was true. "Does this mean I cannot call a pig Mr. Johnson?" asked the woman. The judge replied that she could indeed call a pig Mr. Johnson with no fear of being charged with a crime. The woman turned, looked directly at Mr. Johnson, and said, "Good afternoon, Mr. Johnson."

The Little Boy and the Gravestones

A woman takes her little boy to visit their dead relatives' gravestones at a cemetery. The little boy has never been to a cemetery before. The woman first takes her son her grandmother Annie's gravestone. The initials under Annie's name say R.I.P. The little boy asks, "Mommy, what does R.I.P. stand for?" His mother replies, "It stands for 'Rest in Peace.' That means we wish for Grandma Annie's spirit to find peace in the afterlife." Then, they come across the gravestone of the woman's uncle Joe. The little boy asks, "Mommy, what does R.I.H. stand for?", pointing to the initials printed under Uncle Joe's name. "We really didn't like Uncle Joe." Said his mother.

The Strangers and the Sleeping Blankets

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both go to sleep, the man on the top bunk, the woman on the lower. In the middle of the night, the man leans over, wakes the woman and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket?" The woman leans out and, with a glint in her eye, says, "I have a better idea, just for tonight, let's make pretend that we're married." "OK!" AWESOME!" the man says happily. "GOOD... now get your own darn blanket!" came the reply.

Toxic Pick Up Lines

Spain Puns

The Ugly Romeo

A good looking man walked into a singles bar, bought a drink and settled down ready to use his best lines. But for the next two hours every woman he approached gave him the brush-off. Then suddenly a really ugly guy walked in and within seconds he was surrounded by beautiful, available women. A few minutes later he sauntered out with a stunning brunette on each arm. The handsome guy was thoroughly despondent. Turning to the bartender, he said: ‘I don't get it. How did that guy walk out with those two when I can't even get a phone number?’ ‘I don’t know what his secret is,’ said the barman. ‘But he does the same thing every night. He walks in, orders a drink, and just sits there, licking his eyebrows.’

The Mourning Visitor

A big, burly man knocked on the door of the pastor's house one day and asked to see the minister's wife, a woman known for her charity work and her love for the poor and helpless. The woman opened the door and saw the man had tears streaming down his face. "Oh, whatever is the matter?" she cried out. "I come to you today, dear woman, for the purposes of doing charity and good work," said the man in a hopeless voice. "Come in, come in!" The woman admitted him inside and they sat in her living room. "Madam," said the man in a broken voice, "I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pays their rent, which amounts to $400." "How terrible!" exclaimed the preacher's wife. "May I ask who you are?" The sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes. "I'm the landlord," he sobbed.

How Long Has It Been?

A female researcher was writing her thesis about the effects of long army service and sexual function. In one of her first meetings with war veterans, some still serving, some honorably discharged, she decides to pose a somewhat delicate question. "Can you please tell me, and don't be shy, when was the last time you had intercourse?" Most of them mumbled some embarrassed reply. Only one man, a general, stood tall and said "1956 ma'am." The woman, taken back by this answer said "1956?! That long?!" "Yes ma'am." The woman felt terrible for the general, who was actually a good-looking gentleman and decided to break his long dry streak herself. She invites him to her apartment for dinner after the meeting. He agreed, and after a nice meal, the two made passionate love for an hour. Afterward, exhausted, the woman cuddled up to the army general afterward and whispered: "Well, you sure haven't forgotten anything since 1956..." The general looked at her confused and said: "Well I sure hope not. It's only 2330 now!"

A Middle-Aged Woman At the Doctor's

A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist. "Come now," coaxed the doctor, "you've been seeing me for years! There's nothing you can't tell me." "This one's kind of strange..." "Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied. "Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet and when I looked down, the water was full of pennies." "I see." "That afternoon I went again and there were nickels in the bowl." "Uh-huh" "That night," she went on, "there were dimes and this morning there were quarters! You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!," she implored, "I'm scared out of my wits!" The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "There, there, it's nothing to be scared about." "You're simply going through the change."

So Long, Preacher

A priest is told by the bishop he is being moved to a new parish The priest tells the congregation the news and after the service a woman comes up to him crying: "This is terrible news father, just terrible. You can't leave us. Refuse the move, tell the bishop to find someone else for the other church." The priest puts his arm on the woman's shoulder and says "I realize this is difficult news for you Mrs. Johnson, but who knows? Maybe the next priest for this parish will be even better than me." "Oh sure," Mrs. Johnson says in hysterics. "That's what they told us the last time!"

Sibling Puns

Double the Trouble

A woman's husband was cheating on her. The woman and her husband got a divorce and the woman went on with her life hating her ex-husband. One day she found a beautiful lamp tossed in the streets. She picked it up and rubbed it a little bit. Suddenly, a genie popped out of the lamp! The genie said: "I feel that you are married. You have 3 wishes woman, but know that anything you ask for your husband will get as well, only double! Sorry but the rules were written at a more primitive time." So, the woman thinks of a first wish... "I want to be rich!" So, the woman became rich, and the husband became twice as rich! So, the woman thinks of a second wish... "I want to be beautiful!" So, the woman became beautiful, and the husband became twice as beautiful. "Okay", the genie says. "This is your last wish so be careful what you wish for." The woman thinks real hard and finally comes to a decision. "I want you to scare me half to death!"

Hair Puns

What Is This Contractor Doing?

A woman hired a contractor to repaint the interior of her house. The woman walked the man through the second floor of her home and told him what colors she wanted for each room. As they walked through the first room, the woman said, "I think I would like this room in a cream color." The contractor wrote on his clipboard, walked to the window, opened it and yelled out, "Green side up!" He then closed the window and continued following the woman to the next room. The woman looked confused, but proceeded with her tour. "In this room, I was thinking of an off blue." Again, the contractor wrote this down, went to the window, opened it and yelled out, "Green side up!" This baffled the woman, but she was hesitant to say anything. In the next room, the woman said she would like it painted in a light rose color. And once more, the contractor opened the window and yelled, "Green side up!" Struck with curiosity, the woman mustered up the nerve to ask, "Why do you keep yelling 'Green side up' out of my window each time I tell you what color I'd like a room?" The contractor replied, "Because I have a crew of blondes laying turf across the street."

Funny Headlines

The Best Sleeping Pills

An elderly woman went into the pharmacy. When the pharmacist asked why she was there, she replied, “I’d like to have some birth control pills.” Taken aback, the pharmacist thought for a minute and then said, “Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you’re 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?” The woman responded, “They help me sleep better.” The pharmacist thought some more and continued, “How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?” The woman said, “I put them in my granddaughter’s orange juice and I sleep better at night.”

Funny Groucho Marx Quotes

And That's When the Fight Started...

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive. So I took her to a gas station. That's when the fight started... After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt". So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me." as she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too." And that's when the fight started... My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, "Do you know her?" "Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since." "My God!" says my wife, "Who would think that a person could go on celebrating that long?" And that's when the fight started... I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" "Nah, she can order for herself." And that's when the fight started... A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment." The husband replies, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect." And that's when the fight started... I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream. And that's when the fight started... My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her not as much as the dress that she had worn yesterday. And that's when the fight started... A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside. The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man "Holy crap. That must be my husband!" So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked he jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go. A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, "I AM your husband!" The woman yelled back, "Yeah, then why were you RUNNING?" And that's when the fight started... Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?" And that's when the fight started... I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?" And that's when the fight started... My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes." So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And that's when the fight started...

The Geography of Men and Women

They say about women that... Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa. Half discovered, half wild, fertile, and naturally Beautiful! Between 23 and 30, a woman is like the USA. Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value. Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain. Very hot, relaxed, and convinced of her own beauty. Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece. Gently aging but still, a warm and desirable place to visit. Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain. With a glorious and all-conquering past. Between 51 and 60, a woman is like France. She has been through war, and vowed never again. Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada. Self-preserving, but open to meeting new people. After 70, she becomes Tibet. Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages. An adventurous spirit and a thirst for knowledge. THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN: Between 1 and 100, a man is like Iran and Russia: Ruled by a pair of nuts.

10 More Hilarious Murphy's Laws

Law of the Theatre - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last. The Starbucks Edict - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced marmalade sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet. The Conundrum of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the shoe fits, it's ugly. Oliver's Rule of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet. Will's favourite! Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick. Will and Guy's Law - If you don't save things on your computer you will, sooner rather than later, delete them.

The Startle

A man and a woman were fast asleep in bed. Suddenly, at 4 o'clock in the morning, a resounding noise came from outside. The woman, sort of bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man: "Oh No! That must be my husband!" The man quickly got out of bed, panicked and naked. He jumped out the window like a crazy man, smashed on the ground, picked himself up and went straight through a thorn bush, then he stood up and started to run as fast as he could to his car... A few minutes later the door opened and the man was standing at it, panting hard, with dirt and scratches all over him. He yelled: "I'm your husband, you mad cow!" "Oh, yeah?" the woman answered: "And why were you running, you bastard?!?"

The Duck Rule

Three guys die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: Don't step on the ducks!" So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first guy accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman he has ever seen. St. Peter chains them together and says: "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to the ugly woman!" The next day, the second guy steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly woman. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first guy. The third guy has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly woman, is very, VERY careful where he steps. He manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to him with the most gorgeous woman he has ever laid eyes on: a very tall, tan, curvaceous, sexy blond. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The guy remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?" She says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

Coffee Puns

Viking Puns

Let Him Without Sin...

Jesus was walking along one day, when He came upon a group of people surrounding a lady of ill repute. It was obvious that the crowd was preparing to stone her, so Jesus made His now-famous statement, "Let him who has no sin cast the first stone." The crowd was shamed and one by one began to turn away. All of a sudden, a lovely little woman made her way through the crowd. Finally getting to the front, she tossed a pebble towards the woman. Jesus sighs and says, "I really hate it when you do that, Mom."

The Old Lady and Her Wishes

A poor old lady was forced to sell her valuables to avoid eviction. As she rummaged through her dusty belongings, she came across a dull copper kettle. Intrigued by its possible value the old woman dusted it off and BAM! A genie erupted from its neck! The genie says “I have seen your plights, and will grant you three wishes.” The woman, astounded, thinks for a moment and says “Age has taken its toll on me. I wish to be young and beautiful once more.” BAM! In a sudden flash the old woman emerged, a ravishing young woman. Thrilled by her success the woman says “Genie, I want to live a life of grandeur! To be rich!” BAM! With a snap of the genie's fingers, the room swirled and transformed into a great hall. Her once broken cottage had become a mansion. Upon looking down the woman noticed her worn clothing had been replaced with a stunning dress, and shining heels. While she marveled at this outcome the genie stood solemnly. “You have one wish left.” he thundered. The woman thought about this for a while and then felt a slight brush against her leg. It was her old cat, frightened by the building's transformation. The woman looked up at the genie and said “This cat has been faithfully with me for all my years. Please, transform him into a human man, so that we may spend many happy days together!” BAM! In a blinding flash the cat had vanished. Standing in his place was a tall, dark-haired, handsome young man. Immediately enamored by her new love, the woman fell into his arms. The genie, his work complete, disappeared. As she gazed into his eyes, he drew her close and whispered... “I bet you wish you hadn't had me fixed.”

Blonde Jokes

The Husband, the Wife and the Towel

A husband and wife are having issues in the bedroom. The man has no issues but the woman can’t reach an orgasm, she tells her husband it is because she gets too warm. After going to see a specialist, he recommended that they have a constant supply of cool air in the bedroom, so the man asks his best friend to waft a towel whilst him and his wife make love. Begrudgingly, the friend submits and says yes. After 20 minutes of love making, the woman is no closer to being satisfied whilst the man is nearly finished and wants to hold out, so the friend wafting the towel recommends that they switch places until he is ready to do more. So the friend is now copulating with the wife while the man wafts the towel. After 2 minutes the woman starts to tremble and lets out an incredible cry as she reaches the most intense orgasm she has ever had. The husband looks at them proudly and says: “now that, my friend, is how you waft a bloody towel!”

Funny Work Quotes

The Berkowitz Baby

There was a man named Ray Berkowitz, and he was at work when his wife called in panic - she was ready to give birth! He hurried to the hospital as quickly as he could, marveling that his son, Charles, is about to be born. One day while Ray was out of town for work, he got a call from his wife that she was going into labor. He rushed back but didn't make it before she gave birth... and she called him to tell him it was a healthy baby boy. He drove all night and all day and finally made it to the hospital. He was so excited he rushed straight to the maternity ward and to the nursery where he found a big glass room with a big sign above the door [BEAUTIFUL BABIES] Excitedly he rushed in, "I want to see my son!" The nurse asked for the name. "Charles Berkowitz" The nurse looked at the list and said, "sorry sir, your kid isn't here, try the next nursery down the hall." Perplexed, Ray walked down the fall to another big glass room with another big sign [Beautiful Babies] Alright, "My son will have a pretty easy life looking handsome." He thought and walked in. "I want to see my son." "Name, please." "Charles Berkowitz" The nurse looks over her list and says, "sorry sir, not here, try the nursery down the hall." So the man walks down the hall to find another room with a big sign [Ugly Babies] "That's alright." He thought. "Looks don't matter." He walked in smiling and said "I want to see my son, Charles Berkowitz" The nurse looks over her list and frowns... "Sorry sir, try the next nursery down the hall." Dejected... the man walks down the hall to a room that wasn't glass, that had a smaller sign over the door - [Very Ugly Babies] "It doesn't matter what he looks like." He thinks to himself. "I'll love him no matter what." He walks in. "Please... I want to see my son... Charles Berkowitz" The nurse looks down at her list and shakes her head. "I'm sorry, he's not here. Try the next nursery down the hall." He was getting really worried now... He walks down another long hallway that ends in a single steel door with a little plaque on it that says... [Charles Berkowitz]

Frog Puns

How to Get the Day Off Work

Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off." The man replies, "And how would you do that?" The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling. The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?" The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb." The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off." The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?" The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark!"

The Teacher Finds the Right Words to Say

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child. She thought for a minute about what to say with him, then came up with what she thought was the perfect solution. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said: "Johnny, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that." Just as the teacher had paused, Johnny also paused to think about his response. He replied: "Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."

The Ugly Baby

Walter and Linda were a middle aged couple blessed with two beautiful daughters. Although they felt incredibly lucky for having their girls, Walter and Linda always yearned for a boy. They began trying for another baby, and it wasn’t long before Linda became pregnant. Nine months later, they welcomed a baby boy into the world. Walter was at work when his wife was rushed to hospital, so he got there as quickly as he could. To his confusion, his son didn't look like his daughter, he didn't have their pointed chin, his nose was much larger and so were his ears. “How did we get such a different baby?” he exclaimed to his wife. “It’s just not possible that I fathered him after we had those two girls.” Linda blushed, which made him shoot her a look of suspicion. “Have you been fooling around behind my back?” he asked. "Be honest." "I really didn't." She declared. "Not this time."