"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
“I have never been hurt by what I have not said.”
Calvin Coolidge
“Set your clocks at the start of the weekend so that you know just how much fun time you get to have. Then smash your clocks so you won't know when Monday starts.”
“If you think money doesn’t grow on trees, you ain’t checking every limb.” – Chamillionaire
“No matter how much time you spend reading books or following your intuition, you’re gonna screw it up. Fifty times. You can’t do parenting right.”
- Alan Arkin.
“Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own.”—Eddie Cantor
"Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon." - Doug Larson
"If I hold a can of soda up to my ear and listen carefully, I can hear my bones pleading for a glass of milk."
– Bridger Winegar
“When Chuck Norris does yoga, the sun salutes him.” – Unknown
“I feel very blessed to have two wonderful, healthy children who keep me completely grounded, sane, and throw up on my shoes just before I go to an awards show just so I know to keep it real.”
- Reese Witherspoon.
"Summer does mean no school for my children. Hey, who doesn’t deserve a three-month break after a rigorous year of kindergarten?"
– Jim Gaffigan
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
Robin Williams
“My esteem in this country has gone up substantially. It is very nice now that when people wave at me, they use all their fingers.”
Jimmy Carter
"Backpacking is money spent on education."
"A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that doesn’t mean she can’t have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones." — Cher
"Run like hell and get the agony over with."
Clarence DeMar
“Sign for a beginner’s yoga class: Enquire Within.” – Unknown
“The road to success is always under construction.”
“I know family comes first, but shouldn’t that mean after breakfast?”
- Jeff Lindsay.
“Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers.”
Socrates
“It’s like kids can just smell when you start relaxing.” - Anonymous
“Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.”
E. B. White
“Monday is like a math problem. Add the irritation, subtract the sleep, multiply the problems, divide the happiness.”
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom.”
Bob Hope
“The worst thing about being a tourist is having other tourists recognize you as a tourist!”
– Russell Baker
“Old age is an excellent time for outrage. My goal is to say or do at least one outrageous thing every week.” - Maggie Kuhn
“I bought a new jacket for a hiking trip. It’s called a trail blazer.”
"Whoever says friendship is easy has obviously never had a true friend!"
— Bronwyn Polson
“It was nice growing up with someone like you—someone to lean on, someone to count on…someone to tell on!”—Unknown
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”
- A. A. Milne
“I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.”
Jerry Seinfeld
"Once the travel bug bites there is no known antitode, and I know that I shall be happily infected until the end of my life."
- Michael Palin
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
“Family is a blessing. Just keep saying that when you are irritated by something a family member says.”
- Marcelina Hardy
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
Frank Sinatra
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
“Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.”
- Sam Levenson
"Imagine being on a plane and NOT eating every item presented to you as if you will never again have ready access to food in your life."
- Jia Tolentino
“Thanksgiving: Bringing out the best in family dysfunction since 1863.” -Unknown
"One of the many things nobody ever tells you about middle age is that it’s such a nice change from being young." – Dorothy Canfield Fisher
"Going on a hike is like having your car break down but on purpose."
- John Lyon
I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves are.
Jarod Kintz
"I don't believe in jogging. It extending your life, but by about the same amount of time you spend jogging."
Marshall Brickman
As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
“Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.” – Charlie McCarthy
"The capacity for friendship is God’s way of apologizing for our families."
— Jay McInerney
“I have an everyday religion that works for me. Love yourself first, and everything else falls into line.”
– Lucille Ball
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" - Jean Illsely Clarke
"I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living. It's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, and that enables you to laugh at life's realities." - Dr. Seuss
“Thanksgiving is an emotional time. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they see only once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.” —Johnny Carson