“All I ask is the chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.” Spike Milligan.
“Is it Monday already? I’m almost positive I did not get my entire portion of the weekend.”
“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.” — Henry Kissenger
“You can always tell when a man's well informed. His views are pretty much like your own.”
H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
“I’m not aging, I just need repotting.”
— Anonymous
“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.”
Homer Simpson
"I need 6 months of vacation. Twice a year."
“Unless you are a pizza, the answer is yes, I can live without you.”
― Bill Murray
"A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold." - Ogden Nash
“Friends give you a shoulder to cry on. But best friends are ready with a shovel to hurt the person that made you cry.”
— Unknown
I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress. -- Ronald Reagan
“The archer will walk up to you, give you a hearty slap on the back and a wide, friendly grin. Then he’ll greet you with a remark like, ‘How the heck do you manage to look so young when you’re as old as you are?'”
— Linda Goodman
“Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.”
- Elbert Hubbard
"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
“If you think about a Thanksgiving dinner, it’s really like making a large chicken.” —Ina Garten
“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” —Henny Youngman
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy beer." ~ Gary Reilly
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.“
Rodney Dangerfield
“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”—Groucho Marx
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
“My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he’s 97 years old and we have no clue where he is.”
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
- Groucho Marx.
“Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.”—Chelsea Handler
“Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.”
- Cary Grant.
“Once when I was golfing in Georgia, I hooked the ball into the swamp. I went in after it and found an alligator wearing a shirt with a picture of a little golfer on it.”
- Buddy Hackett.
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died."
~ Erma Bombeck
"The devil himself had probably redesigned hell in the light of information he had gained from observing airport layouts."
- Anthony Price
“Real friends don’t get offended when you insult them. They smile and call you something even more offensive.”
— Unknown
“I have to excercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."- Marsha Doble.
Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.
Bernard M. Baruch
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
I don’t think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.
Frank Carson
"Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wall Mart Street." ~ Jay Leno
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
Rodney Dangerfield
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Lana Turner
“This crisp winter air is full of it.” – John Burroughs
“You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.” - Anonymous
“You know you are getting old when the candles on your birthday cake start to cost more than the cake itself.”
― Unknown
“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” - Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'
"I don't believe in jogging. It extending your life, but by about the same amount of time you spend jogging."
Marshall Brickman
“90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.” - Anonymous
“I am having an out of money experience." ~Author Unknown
“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
Greg Tamblyn
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?” — J. Paul Getty
“Welcome, winter. Your late dawns and chilled breath make me lazy, but I love you nonetheless. ” — Terri Guillemets
“Marriage is a difficult project. When seven years have passed and all your body’s cells have been replaced, you’re meant to experience that seven-year itch.”
—Yoko Ono
“Morning will come, it has no choice.”
— Marty Rubin
"The most hopelessly stupid man is he who is not aware that he is wise."
Anonymous