“Stomach: I will now demonstrate a blue whale’s mating call.”
― Unknown
A weed is a plant that is not only in the wrong place but intends to stay.”
— Sara Stein
"Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your retirement home."- Phyllis Diller
“Sunshine and happiness go together like fish and chips!”
― Catherine Pulsifer
"You can close your eyes and imagine yourself in a relaxing place. Like on your sofa, not doing yoga."
- Grant Tucke
“I need to get up; my coffee needs me.”
— Unknown
“Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don’t turn up at all.” – Sam Ewing
“If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?”
- Will Rogers
“People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up.” – Ogden Nash
“Sometimes I would like to be a child again, and other times a woman made of snow.”
– Deirdre Sullivan
“It’s my car now, but as soon as it’s fixed, it’ll be my daughter’s again.”
– Jeff Stahler
“Your typical six-year-old is a paradoxical little person.”
- Louise Bates Ames.
“Have you ever noticed how parents can go from the most wonderful people in the world to totally embarrassing in three seconds?”—Rick Riordan, The Red Pyramid
“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.”
― Charles M. Schulz
“When you’re young, you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape.” – Dave Attell
“I bought a new jacket for a hiking trip. It’s called a trail blazer.”
"I have reached an age when, if someone tells me to wear socks, I don’t have to." - Albert Einstein
“If there is anyone to whom I owe money, I’m prepared to forget it if they are.” - Errol Flynn
“This is the mondayest Monday that ever mondayed.”
“Best Friend: One million memories, ten thousand inside jokes, one hundred shared secrets.”
— Unknown
"The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin."
- Mark Twain
"A bad day at sea is still better than a good day at work."
"If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books." — Alan King
“Spring is when you feel like whistling, even with a shoe full of slush.”
– Doug Larson
“I don’t like Sunday nights because you have to wake up to a Monday morning.”
“Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”
- George Benard Shaw
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
"The capacity for friendship is God’s way of apologizing for our families."
— Jay McInerney
“We must fall in love with yourselves. I don’t like myself. I’m crazy about myself.”
– Mae West
"Eating words has never given me indigestion." —Winston Churchill
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
"I am not an early bird or night owl; I’m some sort of permanently exhausted pigeon."
“Camping is not a date; its an endurance test. If you can survive camping with someone, you should marry them on the way home.”
“There’s no need for a piece of sculpture in a home that has a cat.”
- Wesley Bates.
"A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short." — Andre Maurois
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
“What is your favorite day of the week, and why it is your favorite day of the week? Mine is Tuesday because that means Monday is gone.”
“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.”
Sam Ewing
“I think being a good father is keeping the mother happy so she doesn’t drive the kids crazy.”
- James, ‘Look Who’s Talking.’
"You have no reason to fear zombies, do you?"
Anonymous
"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh
“What turning forty means to me? I need to take my pants off as soon as I get home. I didn’t used to have to do that, but now I do.”
Tina Fey
“I have a passion for not cooking.”
― Unknown
“Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.”—Joyce Brothers
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
"Start slow, then taper off."
Walt Stack
“Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.” - Larry Lorenzon
There are five stages in the life of an actor: Who’s Mary Astor? … Get me Mary Astor… Get me a Mary Astor type… Get me a young Mary Astor… Who’s Mary Astor?
Mary Astor
“Thanksgiving: Bringing out the best in family dysfunction since 1863.” -Unknown
“Mondays are mundane, like Tuesdays minus 24 hours.”
— Jarod Kintz