“Cauliflower is a cabbage with a college education.”
— Mark Twain
“My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
– George Carlin
"It is a good thing that we do not get as much government as we pay for."
- Will Rogers
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”—Buddy Hackett
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
Summer should get a speeding ticket
“Think of how stupid the average person is and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
– George Carlin
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today."
- Herman Wouk
“Roadtripophobia (n.) The fear of not having any road trips currently booked.“
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
Charles M. Schulz
“Unless you are a pizza, the answer is yes, I can live without you.”
― Bill Murray
“If you think about a Thanksgiving dinner, it’s really like making a large chicken.” —Ina Garten
Steven Wright
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
“Sending your kids to summer camp teaches them important life lessons... like, ‘You can deal with your problems by sending them to summer camp.’”
- Ari Fishbein.
“I love airports because the rules of society don’t apply. Eat a pizza and have a glass of wine at 7 am while in track pants. Nobody cares.”
Unknown
“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller
"I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living. It's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, and that enables you to laugh at life's realities." - Dr. Seuss
“Sooner or later we all quote our mothers." – Bern Williams
"The only thing that hurts more than paying an income tax is not having to pay an income tax."
— Thomas Dewar
“Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.”
- Douglas Adams
“You dropped your kid off a changing table? Stuff just happens, okay? Last week, my kid ate a cigarette. I caught him playing in the dryer yesterday. I picked up the wrong baby from daycare. I found my baby swimming in the toilet. No judging.”
- 'What To Expect When You Are Expecting'.
"You know you’re getting old when you can pinch an inch on your forehead." - John Mendoza
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”
- A. A. Milne
"The dumbest people I know are those who Know It All."
– Malcolm Forbes
“Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.” – Scott Adams
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
“I have to excercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."- Marsha Doble.
“Silence is golden…unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious.” - Anonymous
"The taxpayer: that's someone who works for the federal government, but doesn't have to take a civil service examination."
- Ronald Reagan
“The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.”
Demetri Martin
“Some of our greatest historical and artistic treasures we place with curators in museums; others we take for walks.”—Roger Caras
“There’s no need for a piece of sculpture in a home that has a cat.”
- Wesley Bates.
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?” — J. Paul Getty
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”—Wayne Huizenga
“Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.”
—Doug Larson
"I only workout, because I really really like donuts."
- Unknown
"I’m so old that my blood type is discontinued." - Bill Dane
“A lot of people like snow. I find it to be an unnecessary freezing of water.”
– Carl Reiner
“The downside of playing dumb is that you sound dumb.”
- Rachel Maddow
“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker
“Summer is the annual permission slip to be lazy.”
– Regina Brett
"I give myself sometimes admirable advice, but I am incapable of taking it."
― Mary Wortley Montagu
“Family is a blessing. Just keep saying that when you are irritated by something a family member says.”
- Marcelina Hardy
"Help me! I'm on a family vacation!"
“It was nice growing up with someone like you—someone to lean on, someone to count on…someone to tell on!”—Unknown
“If hard work is the key to success, most people would rather pick the lock.” — Claude McDonald
"I have successfully completed the thirty-year transition from wanting to stay up late to just wanting to go to bed." - Unknown
“I just want to let you know that if you ever need to have a plant killed, I’m the person for that job.”
— Anonymous
Christianity is the strangest religion ever set up, for it committed a murder upon Jesus in order to redeem mankind from the sin of eating an apple. -- Thomas Paine