“Every time you feel yourself being pulled into other people’s drama, repeat these word: Not my circus, not my monkeys.”
Polish Proverb
“I am having an out of money experience." ~Author Unknown
"Fitness: If it came in a bottle, everyone would have a great body."
- Cher.
"The safe way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your pocket." ~ Kin Hubbard
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
Groucho Marx
“Monday again? Is it every week now?”
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.”
Phyllis Diller
“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” — Raymond Hull
"Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon."
— Doug Larson
"After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one's own relations."
— Oscar Wilde
“Thank you, 2:30 in the morning, for always being the first sign that tomorrow’s gonna suck.”
Jimmy Fallon
“I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.”
Jerry Seinfeld
“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”
– Mitch Hedburg
"If I hold a can of soda up to my ear and listen carefully, I can hear my bones pleading for a glass of milk."
– Bridger Winegar
"I don’t know whether they should say “You have a baby” or “The baby has you”." ~ Anonymous
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."
"If we shake out all of the crumbs from all of the keyboards in the world, we can end world hunger."
— Matthew Dolkart
"I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake."
— Lewis Black
“People that cheat on their taxes truly disgust me. This is not the world I want to raise my 27 dependents in.”
"The holy passion of friendship is so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime if not asked to lend money."
— Mark Twain
“Never let your friends be lonely…. Disturb them all the time.”
— Unknown
“The waste of money cures itself, for soon there is no more to waste." ~M.W. Harrison
"I refuse to admit I’m more than fifty-two, even if that does make my sons illegitimate." - Nancy Astor
“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.”
Rodney Dangerfield
“Diet day #1: All the unhealthy food has been removed from the house. It was delicious.”
― Unknown
“From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
- Jarod Kintz
"Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun." —Stephanie Ortiz
“If you are not killing plants, you are not really stretching yourself as a gardener.”
— J.C. Raulston
“I’m tired of hearing about money, money, money, money, money. I just want to play the game, drink Pepsi, wear Reebok.” — Shaquille O’Neal
“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” —Anne Bancroft
“I know family comes first, but shouldn’t that mean after breakfast?”
- Jeff Lindsay.
“I do yoga to burn off the crazy” — Anonymous
“Excercise? I thought you said extra fries.”
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
“Three things that never lie: Little kids, drunk people, and yoga pants.” – Unknown
“Dear winter, I’m breaking up with you. I think it’s time I start seeing other seasons. Summer is hotter than you.”
"When we put vegetables up for the winter, we use jars, but we call it canning. I find that jarring. And uncanny."
– Greg Tamblyn
"I feel like most of my work problems could be solved with a trip to…anywhere."
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
“I am the only person in the world I should like to know thoroughly.”
– Oscar Wilde
“What do dogs do on their day off? Can’t lie around – that’s their job.”
- George Carlin.
"Thirty ways to shape up for summer. Number one: eat less. Number two: exercise more. Number three: what was I talking about again? I’m so hungry"
– Maria Bamford
“I tried every diet that was in the book, I tried some that weren’t in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets.”
Dolly Parton
“Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.” – Benjamin Franklin
"Most people work just hard enough to not get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit." ~ George Carline
"I’m so hot that I contribute to global warming."
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” - Jerry Seinfeld
“If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them.”
- Phil Pastoret.