"A bad day at sea is still better than a good day at work."
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
Jerry Seinfeld
“The average vacation is one-tenth playing—nine-tenths paying.”
–Arnold Glasow
“You drink too much. Cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You’re everything I ever wanted in a friend.”
— Unknown
"Americans will eat garbage provided you sprinkle it liberally with ketchup."
— Henry James
“Money can’t buy you happiness but it can pay for plastic surgery." ~ Joan Rivers
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd druther not." - Mark Twain
“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.”—Richard Pryor
"Men are like bank accounts. The more money, the more interest they generate." ~ Mark Twain
"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."
"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby."
- Natalie Wood.
“Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.”
– George Carlin
"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it." —Lily Toml
“I meditate and do yoga. I sit cross-legged and try not to levitate too much.” – Jeremy Brett
“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.” —Rod Stewart
"I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living. It's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, and that enables you to laugh at life's realities." - Dr. Seuss
“Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie.” —Jim Davis
“To be clever enough to get a great deal of money, one must be stupid enough to want it.”
- George Bernard Shaw
“I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.”
Mitch Hedberg
"The word aerobics came about when the gym instructors got together and said, 'If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it jumping up and down'" - Rita Rudner
"Thirty-five is a very attractive age. London society is full of women of the very highest birth who have, of their own free choice, remained thirty-five for years." - Oscar Wilde
"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown
"The best abs exercise is five sets of stop eating so much..."
– Lazar Angelov
“Some people walk in the rain; others just get wet.” – Roger Miller
“What turning forty means to me? I need to take my pants off as soon as I get home. I didn’t used to have to do that, but now I do.”
Tina Fey
“The best babysitters, of course, are the baby’s grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.”—Dave Barry
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs… one step at a time.” — Joe Girard
“One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important.” — Bertrand Russell
“There are more airplanes in the water than there are submarines in the sky.”
Anonymous
Stuart Turner“
“I tell you what always catches my eye. Short people with an umbrella.”
“Fact. Pisces is the most wobbly sign of the zodiac.”
— Mary English
“My nickname is ‘Mom’, but my full name is ‘Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom’.”
Unknown
“Not everybody has to love me. I can’t force you to have good taste.”
“No matter how smart you are, you can never convince someone stupid that they are stupid.”
Anonymous
“Once when I was golfing in Georgia, I hooked the ball into the swamp. I went in after it and found an alligator wearing a shirt with a picture of a little golfer on it.”
- Buddy Hackett.
“My wife tells me that if I ever decide to leave, she is coming with me.”
- Jon Bon Jovi
"Taking a dog named Shark to the beach is a bad idea"
“Never eat more than you can lift.”
Miss Piggy
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
“Life is like pocket money. You shouldn't spend it all in one place.”
― Julian Talbot
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world, but they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they’re born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.”
- Ray Romano.
It's almost Summer! Time to find out what my friends with swimming pools have been up to since last summer...
“In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in television.”
- Erma Bombeck.
"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."
“We live in the era of smart phones and stupid people.”
Antonymous
“If pessimism is despair, optimism is cowardice and stupidity. Is there any need to choose between them?”
- Francis Parker Yockey
“It wouldn’t be Thanksgiving without a little emotional scarring.” — Timothy Burke, “Friends”
“An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”—Agatha Christie.
Did anybody ever consider that cannibalism would resolve both overpopulation – and world hunger?