“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”
“I got chucked out of yoga class after misinterpreting Half-Moon Pose.” – Unknown
"Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage."
- Ambrose Bierce
"Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park." - Anonymous
“Keep calm and pretend it’s not Monday.”
"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."
~ Douglas Adams
"A slice of pie without cheese is like a kiss without a squeeze."
— Stephen King
“I think being a good father is keeping the mother happy so she doesn’t drive the kids crazy.”
- James, ‘Look Who’s Talking.’
“I’ve had entire relationships that didn’t get as far as these airport security checkpoints.”
— Michael LeRoux
“That’s why I love road trips, dude. It’s like doing something without actually doing anything.”
– John Green
Oscar Wilde
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, “At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas."
"Too many people spend money they haven’t earned, to buy things they don’t want, to impress people they don’t like." ~ Will Smith
“I made my money the old-fashioned way. I was very nice to a wealthy relative right before he died” — Malcolm Forbes
"You can close your eyes and imagine yourself in a relaxing place. Like on your sofa, not doing yoga."
- Grant Tucke
"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."
- Mae West
“Happy Thanksgiving! This year I’m thankful that your family is so annoying you’re checking Twitter instead of talking to them.” — Stephen Colbert
“I travel a lot, I hate having my life disrupted by routine.”
– Caskie Stinnett
"Doctors are always working to preserve our health and cooks to destroy it, but the latter are the more often successful." - Denis Diderot
“Older siblings: the only people who will pick on you for their own entertainment and beat up anyone else who tries.”—Unknown
"Parenting is basically just listening to yourself talk because nobody else is." - Unknown
“Fine! You guys can all be beautiful snowflakes! I’m gonna go over here and be an awkward snowflake!”
― Robyn Schneider
"A hospital is no place to be sick." —Samuel Goldwyn
“We’re having something different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we’re having a swan. You get more stuffing.” —George Carlin
"There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus, he does not believe in Santa Claus, he is Santa Claus." - Bob Phillips
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
Albert Einstein
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
Rodney Dangerfield
“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” — Red Skelton
“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.”—Ogden Nash.
"If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee."
– Abraham Lincoln
“Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” —Paula Poundstone
"Common sense is not a gift. It’s a punishment because you have to deal with everyone who doesn’t have it."
Anonymous
“A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawnmower is broken.”
– James Dent
“Beaver do better work than the Corps of Engineers.”
- Mike Todd.
“I married beneath me, all women do.”
—Nancy Astor
“The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.”
Demetri Martin
"Most people work just hard enough to not get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit." ~ George Carline
“My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.”—Spike Milligan
On Big Ben. “It’s just a big clock? I don’t understand all the hype with this clock. It is literally just a clock. It’s going to be a digital one in thirty years anyway. ”
— Montgomery Smith
"A fruit is a vegetable with looks and money. Plus, if you let fruit rot, it turns into wine, something Brussels sprouts never do."
– P. J. O’Rourke
"The world is divided into people who do things–and people who get the credit."
~ Dwight Morrow
“Never underestimate the therapeutic power of driving and listening to very loud music.”
"I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food."
— W.C. Fields
“I’m looking forward to seeing pie this Thanksgiving more than members of my own family.” —Damien Fahey
“If everything comes your way, you are in the wrong lane.”
"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown
“Friendship is not a big thing, it’s a million little things.”
— Unknown
“This crisp winter air is full of it.” – John Burroughs
“If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?”
- Will Rogers
“Take a deep breath and try to relax. I promise – Monday will be over soon.”
“I really don’t play well with others on a Monday. Can I skip today and just start again with Tuesday?”