"You have no reason to fear zombies, do you?"
Anonymous
“Every time I do something silly, it comes off really funny because it’s natural.”
- Shaquille O’Neal
“I was just thinking, if it is really religion with these nudist colonies, they sure must turn atheists in the wintertime.”
– Will Rogers
"I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying."
- Oscar Wilde
“Never let an angry sister comb your hair.”
- Patricia McCann
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
“Always hike with someone in worse shape than you. The bears out there will know.”
"I've always enjoyed poor health." —Taylor Caldwell
“Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.” – Scott Adams
"Older people shouldn't eat health food. They need all the preservatives they can get." —Robert Orben
“Family life is a bit like a runny peach pie, not perfect but who’s complaining?”
- Robert Brault.
“Running a marathon takes balls, other sports just play with them.” – Unknown
"Early morning cheerfulness can be extremely obnoxious."
— William Feather
"Never trust a skinny cook."
– Iain Hewitson
“You can always tell about somebody by the way they put their hands on an animal.”
- Betty White.
“She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.”- St Elmo's Fire
“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”
— Neil Simon
“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
“The only reason I made a commercial for American Express was to pay for my American Express bill.” Peter Ustinov.
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
- Sigmund Freud
“A dog desires affection more than its dinner. Well—almost.”—Charlotte Gray
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.
Rita Rudner
"Take the admission to the gym to avoid the admission to the hospital."
- Amit Kalantri
"I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mum stay married for 33 years?’ And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.'"
- Gwyneth Paltrow
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson
“It’s not easy being a mom. If it were easy, fathers would do it.”—Betty White
"So I stepped away for like two seconds…” – the beginning of every parenting horror story." — Anonymous
“Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do the work.” – Earl Nightingale
“The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.”
Joan Rivers
“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
- Milton Berle.
"Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it."
Anonymous
“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”
- Rodney Dangerfield
"There is nothing better for the spirit or the body than a love affair. It elevates the thoughts and flattens the stomach." — Barbara Hower
"Middle age is when you’re sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn’t for you." - Ogden Nash
"Good things come slow. Especially in distance running."
Bill Dellinger
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.”
Rodney Dangerfield
"I love you more than coffee but not always before coffee." - Unknown
"Men scream and go crazy in the gym. I'm a silent workout partner, but when my adrenaline gets up, I talk trash."
- Fergie
“It's easy to find out who is going to become a tax collector. In the nursery, give all the kids lemons. The one who squeezes it dry is going to work for the IRS.”
Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas.
Paula Poundstone
“The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal increases as the deadline approaches."
~ Bove’s Theorem
"Run like you stole something."
Unknown
“It’s like kids can just smell when you start relaxing.” - Anonymous
“Anorexia is a disease not a fashion statement.”
Brooke
“Luckily, today has been canceled. Go back to bed.”
– Unknown
“Today’s good mood is sponsored by yoga.” – Unknown
“Parenthood…it’s about guiding the next generation and forgiving the last.”
- Peter Krause.
"I wish I was a postcard. For under a dollar, I could travel to any location in the world."