"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.”—Wendy Liebman
"If you want to know how old a woman is then ask her sister-in-law." - Edgar Howe
"Money without brains is always dangerous." ~ Napoleon Hill
"I love you in a way that's nauseating to others."
- Unknown
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours”
- Conan O’Brien.
“The thing about parenting rules is there aren’t any. That’s what makes it so difficult.”
- Ewan McGregor.
“In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in television.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.”
Emo Philips
"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
“I would sooner be prime minister of the moon than run another marathon. I’ve been really lucky. I didn’t have any toenails fall off or anything disgusting like that. I still have all three nipples.”
– Ryan Reynolds, actor
“Not everybody has to love me. I can’t force you to have good taste.”
“What we’re really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?” — Erma Bombeck
“People are still willing to do an honest day’s work. The problem is they want a week’s pay for it.” – Joey Adams
I rang up a yoga instructor and asked which class I should take. She said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t do Tuesdays.” – Unknown
"Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun." —Stephanie Ortiz
"Never eat more than you can lift."
— Miss Piggy
“A stupid man’s report of what a clever man says can never be accurate because he unconsciously translates what he hears into something he can understand.”
- Bertrand Russell
“Plant carrots in January and you’ll never have to eat carrots.”
— Anonymous
“Someone should enact a holiday that honors all people who turn up for work on Mondays.”
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield
“A dollar picked up in the road is more satisfaction to us than the 99 which we had to work for, and the money won at Faro or in the stock market snuggles into our hearts in the same way. ~Mark Twain
“I got chucked out of yoga class after misinterpreting Half-Moon Pose.” – Unknown
“Whenever a man does a thoroughly stupid thing, it is always from the noblest motives.”
- Oscar Wilde
"Many so-called spiritual people, they overeat, drink too much, they smoke and don't exercise. But they do go to church every week and pray 'Please help my arthritis. Please help me bring up my strength, make me young again.'"
- Jack LaLanne
“Yes officer I did see the speed limit sign, I just didn’t see you.”
“People are living longer than ever before, a phenomenon undoubtedly made necessary by the 30-year mortgage." ~Doug Larson
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
"Resting is a part of the process, even if it’s not a part of the plan."
— Carley Schweet
“To hike is to complain.” – Dean Johnston
"Fitness: If it came in a bottle, everyone would have a great body."
- Cher.
“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.” — Cher
“Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need most.” —Addison H. Hallock
“Be like a postage stamp. Stick to a thing till you get there.” — Josh Billings
“When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: ‘Whose?'” — Don Marquis
"If you don’t drink, smoke, or drive a car, you’re a tax evader."
– Thomas S Foley
“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”
Steven Wright
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
“Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?”—Janet Periat
"There is no unhappiness like the misery of sighting land again after a cheerful, careless voyage."
- Mark Twain
“In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” - Rita Rudner
"I’m so hot that I contribute to global warming."
Most of us spend the first six days of the week sowing wild oats, then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure. -- Fred Allen
“Don’t worry if people think you’re crazy. You are crazy. You have that kind of intoxicating insanity that lets other people dream outside of the lines and become who they’re destined to be.”
— Jennifer Elisabeth
“We live by the Golden Rule. Those who have the gold make the rules." ~Buzzie Bavasi
“Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in school.”
Albert Einstein
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
Maybe this world is another planet's hell. -- Aldous Huxley
“There are more airplanes in the water than there are submarines in the sky.”
Anonymous