“If you like people who do stupid sh#t all the time, become a parent." – Kelly Oxford
“The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.”
- Lane Olinghouse.
"If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland." – Dave Barry
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
“You want to know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
“I’ve got seven kids, the three words you hear most around my house are: “Hello, goodbye, and I’m pregnant”.
- Dean Martin.
"When your “mom voice” is so loud even the neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed." - Unknown
“I thought I’d never be that annoying person, but as soon as Winnie was born, I was showing iPhone snaps to a cab driver.”
- Jimmy Fallon.
“90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.” - Anonymous
“A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.” —Dave Barry
“The easiest way to teach children the value of money is to borrow some from them." — Anonymous
“Silence is golden…unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious.” - Anonymous
“Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.”
- Ryan Reynolds.
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.”
- Nate Smith.
"I live in a mad house run by a tiny army that I made myself." — Anonymous
"Parenthood: That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage." – Marcelene Cox
"The first 40 years of parenthood are always the hardest." – Unknown
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”
- Judd Apatow.
“Once you sign on to be a mother, 24/7 is the only shift they offer.”
- Jodi Picoult.
"I don’t know whether they should say “You have a baby” or “The baby has you”." ~ Anonymous
"Parenting is basically just listening to yourself talk because nobody else is." - Unknown
“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”
- David Frost.
“There’s no such thing as ready. You just jump on a moving train and you try not to die.”
- A Dad, ‘What To Expect When You Are Expecting.’
“Sending your kids to summer camp teaches them important life lessons... like, ‘You can deal with your problems by sending them to summer camp.’”
- Ari Fishbein.
“No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I’m not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.”
- Bill Cosby.
“My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett
"I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job." – Roseanne Barr
“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.” - Anonymous
“If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.”
- Bette Davis.
"So I stepped away for like two seconds…” – the beginning of every parenting horror story." — Anonymous
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
“No matter how much time you spend reading books or following your intuition, you’re gonna screw it up. Fifty times. You can’t do parenting right.”
- Alan Arkin.
“The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.” – @ramblinma
“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world, but they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they’re born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.”
- Ray Romano.
“Having kids makes you look stable to the people who thought you were crazy and crazy to the people who thought you were stable.” – Kelly Oxford
“You dropped your kid off a changing table? Stuff just happens, okay? Last week, my kid ate a cigarette. I caught him playing in the dryer yesterday. I picked up the wrong baby from daycare. I found my baby swimming in the toilet. No judging.”
- 'What To Expect When You Are Expecting'.
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
“In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in television.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“I’m totally ‘that dad’ who leaves a note in my son’s lunch box. One day I’ll actually start putting food in there also.”
- Steve Ryan.
“Ugh it’s so hot!’…gets hit by two drops of pool water ‘splash me again and I’ll donate all your toys.’”
- Salty Mermaid.
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors.”
- Percy French.
"A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm." – Bill Vaughan
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
“Having children is like living in a frat house — nobody sleeps, everything s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.”
- Ray Romano.
“As a parent you’ve only got one job to do: Keep your daughter off the pole.”
- Chris Rock.
"Children aren’t happy without something to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for." – Ogden Nash
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield
“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”
—P.J. O’Rourke