“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck
“Sending your kids to summer camp teaches them important life lessons... like, ‘You can deal with your problems by sending them to summer camp.’”
- Ari Fishbein.
“It’s weird, all those parenting books my wife made me read, and not one ever hinted that I’d have to remind my son not to touch the dog’s butthole.”
- Jr. Williams.
“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”
- David Frost.
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”
- Judd Apatow.
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home." – Robert Orben
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
- Erma Bombeck
"The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet." – Bill Cosby
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
“The thing about parenting rules is there aren’t any. That’s what makes it so difficult.”
- Ewan McGregor.
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.” - Anonymous
"If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland." – Dave Barry
"Children are a great comfort in your old age- and they help you reach it faster too." – Lionel Kauffman
“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” – Red Buttons
"The first 40 years of parenthood are always the hardest." – Unknown
“Having a child is liking getting a tattoo on your face. You better be committed.”
- 'Eat Pray Love'.
“Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty.”
- Julia Roberts.
"It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower, or vacuum cleaner." – Ben Bergor
“Parenthood…it’s about guiding the next generation and forgiving the last.”
- Peter Krause.
“Why don’t kids understand their nap is not for them, but for us?”
- Alyson Hannigan.
“Can he have this?” With first baby: “Is it organic and homemade?” After second baby: “He can have anything except narcotics and alcohol.” - Unknown
“Having a baby dragged me, kicking and screaming, from the world of self-absorption.”
- Paul Reiser.
“A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.” —Dave Barry
“You dropped your kid off a changing table? Stuff just happens, okay? Last week, my kid ate a cigarette. I caught him playing in the dryer yesterday. I picked up the wrong baby from daycare. I found my baby swimming in the toilet. No judging.”
- 'What To Expect When You Are Expecting'.
“Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.”
- Nia Vardalos.
“90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.” - Anonymous
“Kids are expensive, I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life.”—Kate Davis
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson
“Parenting Tip: If your child is crying, hold it close and whisper, 'You don’t have a clue what horrors this world holds.'”
- Rob Delaney.
“Nurse: handing me a newborn You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese” – @mommy_cusses
“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” – Jon Stewart
“The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.”
- Paul Reiser.
“I thought I’d never be that annoying person, but as soon as Winnie was born, I was showing iPhone snaps to a cab driver.”
- Jimmy Fallon.
"Mom Pro Tip – If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself." – Unknown
“In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in television.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“No matter how much time you spend reading books or following your intuition, you’re gonna screw it up. Fifty times. You can’t do parenting right.”
- Alan Arkin.
"I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job." – Roseanne Barr
“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.”
—Michelle Pfeiffer
“I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.” — Anonymous
“Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.”
- Ryan Reynolds.
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
- Phyllis Diller.
"Parents are the bones on which children cut their teeth." – Peter Ustinov
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield
"When I tell my kids I'll do something in a minute, what I'm really saying is "Please forget." - @SarcasticMommy4
“Being a mom means kids banging on the bathroom door like SWAT, asking for a drink, while you’re in the shower. And Dad is in the kitchen.” – @SarcasticMommy4
“I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.”
- Dave Barry.
“It’s like kids can just smell when you start relaxing.” - Anonymous
“I don’t know what’s more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you’re doing.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
“Parenting is a constant battle between going to bed to catch up on some sleep or staying awake to finally get some alone time.” — Anonymous