“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield
“Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” —Paula Poundstone
"Children are a great comfort in your old age- and they help you reach it faster too." – Lionel Kauffman
"Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of." – Bruce Lansky
“No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I’m not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.”
- Bill Cosby.
“Kids are expensive, I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life.”—Kate Davis
“You want to know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” – Red Buttons
“When you’re young, you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape.” – Dave Attell
“Parenthood…it’s about guiding the next generation and forgiving the last.”
- Peter Krause.
“Having a baby dragged me, kicking and screaming, from the world of self-absorption.”
- Paul Reiser.
“Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million-dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.”
- Jim Bishop.
“When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
“The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.”
- Lane Olinghouse.
“Parenting is a constant battle between going to bed to catch up on some sleep or staying awake to finally get some alone time.” — Anonymous
"The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet." – Bill Cosby
“You’re making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be." - Anonymous
“Sooner or later we all quote our mothers." – Bern Williams
“Why don’t kids understand their nap is not for them, but for us?”
- Alyson Hannigan.
"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children." – Clarence Day
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.” - Anonymous
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”
- Judd Apatow.
“You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.”
—P. J. O’Rourke
“Nurse: handing me a newborn You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese” – @mommy_cusses
"Motherhood – when 90% of your time is spent putting other people’s crap away." — Anonymous
"What is a home without children. Quiet." – Henny Youngman
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”
- Ernest Hemingway.
“A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.” —Dave Barry
“My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett
“I thought I’d never be that annoying person, but as soon as Winnie was born, I was showing iPhone snaps to a cab driver.”
- Jimmy Fallon.
“All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“Having a child is liking getting a tattoo on your face. You better be committed.”
- 'Eat Pray Love'.
“A baby changes your dinner party conversation from politics to poops.”
- Maurice Johnston.
“Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.”
- Amber Dusick.
“Your typical six-year-old is a paradoxical little person.”
- Louise Bates Ames.
“Having kids makes you look stable to the people who thought you were crazy and crazy to the people who thought you were stable.” – Kelly Oxford
“If you like people who do stupid sh#t all the time, become a parent." – Kelly Oxford
“Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.”
- Ryan Reynolds.
“I would say that the hardest thing about being a parent is these goddamned kids.”
- Andy Richter.
“Parenting is a cult. And as a cult member, you can try to explain it to other people, but we just appear like lunatics.” – Jim Gaffigan
“I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said, ‘Not yet, but we placed an ad.’”
- Dana Snow.
“90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.” - Anonymous
“Sending your kids to summer camp teaches them important life lessons... like, ‘You can deal with your problems by sending them to summer camp.’”
- Ari Fishbein.
“A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.” - Jerry Seinfeld
“I’ve got seven kids, the three words you hear most around my house are: “Hello, goodbye, and I’m pregnant”.
- Dean Martin.
“I used to believe my father about everything, but then I had children myself and now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.”
- Brian Andreas.
"Children aren’t happy without something to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for." – Ogden Nash
“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.”
—Michelle Pfeiffer