“Being a mom means kids banging on the bathroom door like SWAT, asking for a drink, while you’re in the shower. And Dad is in the kitchen.” – @SarcasticMommy4
"I don’t know whether they should say “You have a baby” or “The baby has you”." ~ Anonymous
“Ugh it’s so hot!’…gets hit by two drops of pool water ‘splash me again and I’ll donate all your toys.’”
- Salty Mermaid.
“Why don’t kids understand their nap is not for them, but for us?”
- Alyson Hannigan.
“On our 6 a.m. walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it’s in heaven, visiting Daddy’s freedom.” – Ryan Reynolds
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.” – Nate Smith
"Parenting is basically just listening to yourself talk because nobody else is." - Unknown
“Sending your kids to summer camp teaches them important life lessons... like, ‘You can deal with your problems by sending them to summer camp.’”
- Ari Fishbein.
"If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland." – Dave Barry
“Kids are expensive, I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life.”—Kate Davis
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”
- Ernest Hemingway.
“Parenting Tip: If your child is crying, hold it close and whisper, 'You don’t have a clue what horrors this world holds.'”
- Rob Delaney.
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world, but they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they’re born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.”
- Ray Romano.
“Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.”
- Ed Asner.
“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” – Red Buttons
“I think being a good father is keeping the mother happy so she doesn’t drive the kids crazy.”
- James, ‘Look Who’s Talking.’
“Nurse: handing me a newborn You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese” – @mommy_cusses
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
“A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.” —Dave Barry
“I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said, ‘Not yet, but we placed an ad.’”
- Dana Snow.
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
“Having kids makes you look stable to the people who thought you were crazy and crazy to the people who thought you were stable.” – Kelly Oxford
"The first 40 years of parenthood are always the hardest." – Unknown
"Parents are the bones on which children cut their teeth." – Peter Ustinov
“No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.” – @simoncholland
“It’s weird, all those parenting books my wife made me read, and not one ever hinted that I’d have to remind my son not to touch the dog’s butthole.”
- Jr. Williams.
“I used to believe my father about everything, but then I had children myself and now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.”
- Brian Andreas.
“Silence is golden…unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious.” - Anonymous
“I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make. So I became a Mom.” – Unknown
"When your “mom voice” is so loud even the neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed." - Unknown
“I feel very blessed to have two wonderful, healthy children who keep me completely grounded, sane, and throw up on my shoes just before I go to an awards show just so I know to keep it real.”
- Reese Witherspoon.
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield
“Parenthood…it’s about guiding the next generation and forgiving the last.”
- Peter Krause.
“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.”
- Dorothy Parker.
“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” – Jon Stewart
“As a parent you’ve only got one job to do: Keep your daughter off the pole.”
- Chris Rock.
“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.”
—Michelle Pfeiffer
“I would have made a terrible parent. The first time my child didn’t do what I wanted, I’d kill him.”
- Katherine Hepburn.
“When you’re young, you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape.” – Dave Attell
"It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower, or vacuum cleaner." – Ben Bergor
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
- Erma Bombeck
“My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett
"So I stepped away for like two seconds…” – the beginning of every parenting horror story." — Anonymous
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck
“90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.” - Anonymous
“I’m totally ‘that dad’ who leaves a note in my son’s lunch box. One day I’ll actually start putting food in there also.”
- Steve Ryan.
"Parenthood: That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage." – Marcelene Cox
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”
- Phyllis Diller.