“I think being a good father is keeping the mother happy so she doesn’t drive the kids crazy.”
- James, ‘Look Who’s Talking.’
“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
“Having a child is liking getting a tattoo on your face. You better be committed.”
- 'Eat Pray Love'.
“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.”
- Dorothy Parker.
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.”
- Nate Smith.
"If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, keep away from children." – Susan Savannah
“I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make. So I became a Mom.” – Unknown
“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” – Red Buttons
“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world, but they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they’re born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.”
- Ray Romano.
"So I stepped away for like two seconds…” – the beginning of every parenting horror story." — Anonymous
“Having kids makes you look stable to the people who thought you were crazy and crazy to the people who thought you were stable.” – Kelly Oxford
“Parenting is a cult. And as a cult member, you can try to explain it to other people, but we just appear like lunatics.” – Jim Gaffigan
“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.”
—Michelle Pfeiffer
“Parenting is a constant battle between going to bed to catch up on some sleep or staying awake to finally get some alone time.” — Anonymous
“Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.”
- Marshall McLuhan.
"Parenthood: That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage." – Marcelene Cox
"Children aren’t happy without something to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for." – Ogden Nash
“If you like people who do stupid sh#t all the time, become a parent." – Kelly Oxford
“My daughters only six months old and already drawing. I’d hang it on the fridge, but honestly, its absolute garbage.” – Ryan Reynolds
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
- Erma Bombeck
“No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I’m not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.”
- Bill Cosby.
“Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.”
—Doug Larson
“How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?”
- Michael, ‘Three Men And A Baby.’
"Motherhood – when 90% of your time is spent putting other people’s crap away." — Anonymous
“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” – Jon Stewart
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home." – Robert Orben
"When I tell my kids I'll do something in a minute, what I'm really saying is "Please forget." - @SarcasticMommy4
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
"I love when my kids tells me they’re bored. As if the lady standing in front of a full sink of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time." – Unknown
“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.”
- Nora Ephron.
“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”
- Leo Burke.
"Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of." – Bruce Lansky
“I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.” — Anonymous
“I’m totally ‘that dad’ who leaves a note in my son’s lunch box. One day I’ll actually start putting food in there also.”
- Steve Ryan.
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda
“Nurse: handing me a newborn You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese” – @mommy_cusses
“Once you sign on to be a mother, 24/7 is the only shift they offer.”
- Jodi Picoult.
"I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job." – Roseanne Barr
“Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.”
- Nia Vardalos.
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson
“I feel very blessed to have two wonderful, healthy children who keep me completely grounded, sane, and throw up on my shoes just before I go to an awards show just so I know to keep it real.”
- Reese Witherspoon.
“Silence is golden…unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious.” - Anonymous
"Parents are the bones on which children cut their teeth." – Peter Ustinov
"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children." – Clarence Day
"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous
“Having a baby dragged me, kicking and screaming, from the world of self-absorption.”
- Paul Reiser.
“I thought I’d never be that annoying person, but as soon as Winnie was born, I was showing iPhone snaps to a cab driver.”
- Jimmy Fallon.
“I would say that the hardest thing about being a parent is these goddamned kids.”
- Andy Richter.
"Children are a great comfort in your old age- and they help you reach it faster too." – Lionel Kauffman