"Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of." – Bruce Lansky
“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”
- James Baldwin.
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.”
- Erma Bombeck.
"What is a home without children. Quiet." – Henny Youngman
“Parenting is a cult. And as a cult member, you can try to explain it to other people, but we just appear like lunatics.” – Jim Gaffigan
“My daughter just lost her first tooth, which is a very sweet moment for a dad. In retrospect, I do regret punching her so hard in the face.”
- Alan Cox.
“If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.”
- Bette Davis.
"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
“Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.”
- Ed Asner.
"The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet." – Bill Cosby
“Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.”
- Nia Vardalos.
“Having kids makes you look stable to the people who thought you were crazy and crazy to the people who thought you were stable.” – Kelly Oxford
“Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty.”
- Julia Roberts.
“I’ve got seven kids, the three words you hear most around my house are: “Hello, goodbye, and I’m pregnant”.
- Dean Martin.
“A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.” - Jerry Seinfeld
“If you like people who do stupid sh#t all the time, become a parent." – Kelly Oxford
“I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make. So I became a Mom.” – Unknown
“The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.” – @ramblinma
“I would say that the hardest thing about being a parent is these goddamned kids.”
- Andy Richter.
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
“Can he have this?” With first baby: “Is it organic and homemade?” After second baby: “He can have anything except narcotics and alcohol.” - Unknown
“You dropped your kid off a changing table? Stuff just happens, okay? Last week, my kid ate a cigarette. I caught him playing in the dryer yesterday. I picked up the wrong baby from daycare. I found my baby swimming in the toilet. No judging.”
- 'What To Expect When You Are Expecting'.
“Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.”
- Ryan Reynolds.
“Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.”
- Marshall McLuhan.
“I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.” — Anonymous
“I’m totally ‘that dad’ who leaves a note in my son’s lunch box. One day I’ll actually start putting food in there also.”
- Steve Ryan.
“I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors.”
- Percy French.
“Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million-dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.”
- Jim Bishop.
“Kids are expensive, I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life.”—Kate Davis
“No matter how much time you spend reading books or following your intuition, you’re gonna screw it up. Fifty times. You can’t do parenting right.”
- Alan Arkin.
“Having a child is liking getting a tattoo on your face. You better be committed.”
- 'Eat Pray Love'.
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.”
- Nate Smith.
"I love when my kids tells me they’re bored. As if the lady standing in front of a full sink of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time." – Unknown
“The only thing that kids wear out faster than shoes is their parents.”
- John J. Plomp.
“It’s weird, all those parenting books my wife made me read, and not one ever hinted that I’d have to remind my son not to touch the dog’s butthole.”
- Jr. Williams.
“The easiest way to teach children the value of money is to borrow some from them." — Anonymous
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”
- Ernest Hemingway.
“The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.”
- Paul Reiser.
"Motherhood – when 90% of your time is spent putting other people’s crap away." — Anonymous
“Parenthood…it’s about guiding the next generation and forgiving the last.”
- Peter Krause.
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.” - Anonymous
“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”
- David Frost.
“All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes.”
– Joyce Armor.
"If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, keep away from children." – Susan Savannah
"Some children threaten to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going." – Phyllis Diller