“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.” - Anonymous
"I love when my kids tells me they’re bored. As if the lady standing in front of a full sink of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time." – Unknown
"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children." – Clarence Day
“A baby changes your dinner party conversation from politics to poops.”
- Maurice Johnston.
"It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower, or vacuum cleaner." – Ben Bergor
“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world, but they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they’re born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.”
- Ray Romano.
“Having a baby dragged me, kicking and screaming, from the world of self-absorption.”
- Paul Reiser.
“My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”
- Leo Burke.
“Parenting is a constant battle between going to bed to catch up on some sleep or staying awake to finally get some alone time.” — Anonymous
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”
- Judd Apatow.
“I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.” — Anonymous
“You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.” - Anonymous
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield
“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”
- James Baldwin.
“Why don’t kids understand their nap is not for them, but for us?”
- Alyson Hannigan.
"Children are a great comfort in your old age- and they help you reach it faster too." – Lionel Kauffman
"I live in a mad house run by a tiny army that I made myself." — Anonymous
"When your “mom voice” is so loud even the neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed." - Unknown
"Children aren’t happy without something to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for." – Ogden Nash
“Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.”
- Marshall McLuhan.
“Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million-dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.”
- Jim Bishop.
“Nurse: handing me a newborn You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese” – @mommy_cusses
"If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, keep away from children." – Susan Savannah
"Insanity is hereditary you get it from your kids." – Sam Levenson
“Kids are expensive, I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life.”—Kate Davis
“I thought I’d never be that annoying person, but as soon as Winnie was born, I was showing iPhone snaps to a cab driver.”
- Jimmy Fallon.
“Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.”
- Ed Asner.
“It’s weird, all those parenting books my wife made me read, and not one ever hinted that I’d have to remind my son not to touch the dog’s butthole.”
- Jr. Williams.
“Having children is like living in a frat house — nobody sleeps, everything s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.”
- Ray Romano.
“Sooner or later we all quote our mothers." – Bern Williams
“The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.”
- Paul Reiser.
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home." – Robert Orben
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.”
- Nate Smith.
“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.”
—Michelle Pfeiffer
“I’ve got seven kids, the three words you hear most around my house are: “Hello, goodbye, and I’m pregnant”.
- Dean Martin.
"Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare." - End Asner
"Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of." – Bruce Lansky
“I feel very blessed to have two wonderful, healthy children who keep me completely grounded, sane, and throw up on my shoes just before I go to an awards show just so I know to keep it real.”
- Reese Witherspoon.
“The easiest way to teach children the value of money is to borrow some from them." — Anonymous
"Mom Pro Tip – If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself." – Unknown
“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.”
- Dorothy Parker.
"Parents are the bones on which children cut their teeth." – Peter Ustinov
"Some children threaten to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going." – Phyllis Diller
“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
- Milton Berle.
"What is a home without children. Quiet." – Henny Youngman
“I used to believe my father about everything, but then I had children myself and now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.”
- Brian Andreas.
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
- Carrie Underwood.
“How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?”
- Michael, ‘Three Men And A Baby.’
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman