“A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.” - Jerry Seinfeld
“Parenthood…it’s about guiding the next generation and forgiving the last.”
- Peter Krause.
“I used to believe my father about everything, but then I had children myself and now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.”
- Brian Andreas.
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.” - Anonymous
"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous
"I don’t know whether they should say “You have a baby” or “The baby has you”." ~ Anonymous
“Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.”
- Marshall McLuhan.
“You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.”
—P. J. O’Rourke
"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children." – Clarence Day
“Kids are expensive, I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life.”—Kate Davis
“How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?”
- Michael, ‘Three Men And A Baby.’
“The thing about parenting rules is there aren’t any. That’s what makes it so difficult.”
- Ewan McGregor.
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
“Why don’t kids understand their nap is not for them, but for us?”
- Alyson Hannigan.
“When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“Being a mom means kids banging on the bathroom door like SWAT, asking for a drink, while you’re in the shower. And Dad is in the kitchen.” – @SarcasticMommy4
"What is a home without children. Quiet." – Henny Youngman
“If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.”
- Bette Davis.
"My mom used to say it doesn’t matter how many kids you have… because one kid will take up 100% of your time so more kids can’t possibly take up more than 100% of your time." - Karen Brown
“It’s weird, all those parenting books my wife made me read, and not one ever hinted that I’d have to remind my son not to touch the dog’s butthole.”
- Jr. Williams.
“All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck
“Parenting is a cult. And as a cult member, you can try to explain it to other people, but we just appear like lunatics.” – Jim Gaffigan
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.” – Nate Smith
“You dropped your kid off a changing table? Stuff just happens, okay? Last week, my kid ate a cigarette. I caught him playing in the dryer yesterday. I picked up the wrong baby from daycare. I found my baby swimming in the toilet. No judging.”
- 'What To Expect When You Are Expecting'.
"Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of." – Bruce Lansky
“Parenting is a constant battle between going to bed to catch up on some sleep or staying awake to finally get some alone time.” — Anonymous
“I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said, ‘Not yet, but we placed an ad.’”
- Dana Snow.
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”
- Leo Burke.
"Parenthood: That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage." – Marcelene Cox
“As a parent you’ve only got one job to do: Keep your daughter off the pole.”
- Chris Rock.
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”
- Ernest Hemingway.
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield
“My daughter just lost her first tooth, which is a very sweet moment for a dad. In retrospect, I do regret punching her so hard in the face.”
- Alan Cox.
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”
- Judd Apatow.
“The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.”
- Lane Olinghouse.
“No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.” – @simoncholland
“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” – Red Buttons
“Sending your kids to summer camp teaches them important life lessons... like, ‘You can deal with your problems by sending them to summer camp.’”
- Ari Fishbein.
"I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job." – Roseanne Barr
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.” — Anonymous
"Children aren’t happy without something to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for." – Ogden Nash
“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.” – @ramblinma
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson
“90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.” - Anonymous
"Some children threaten to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going." – Phyllis Diller
“Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.”
—Doug Larson