“Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.”
- Ryan Reynolds.
“Once you sign on to be a mother, 24/7 is the only shift they offer.”
- Jodi Picoult.
“My daughters only six months old and already drawing. I’d hang it on the fridge, but honestly, its absolute garbage.” – Ryan Reynolds
“90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.” - Anonymous
“A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.” - Jerry Seinfeld
"So I stepped away for like two seconds…” – the beginning of every parenting horror story." — Anonymous
"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children." – Clarence Day
"My mom used to say it doesn’t matter how many kids you have… because one kid will take up 100% of your time so more kids can’t possibly take up more than 100% of your time." - Karen Brown
"Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of." – Bruce Lansky
“You dropped your kid off a changing table? Stuff just happens, okay? Last week, my kid ate a cigarette. I caught him playing in the dryer yesterday. I picked up the wrong baby from daycare. I found my baby swimming in the toilet. No judging.”
- 'What To Expect When You Are Expecting'.
“I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.”
- Dave Barry.
“How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?”
- Michael, ‘Three Men And A Baby.’
“Having kids makes you look stable to the people who thought you were crazy and crazy to the people who thought you were stable.” – Kelly Oxford
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield
"Children are a great comfort in your old age- and they help you reach it faster too." – Lionel Kauffman
“I feel very blessed to have two wonderful, healthy children who keep me completely grounded, sane, and throw up on my shoes just before I go to an awards show just so I know to keep it real.”
- Reese Witherspoon.
“Never underestimate a child’s ability to get into more trouble.”
- Martin Mull.
"It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower, or vacuum cleaner." – Ben Bergor
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“Parenting Tip: If your child is crying, hold it close and whisper, 'You don’t have a clue what horrors this world holds.'”
- Rob Delaney.
“Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.”
—Doug Larson
"A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm." – Bill Vaughan
“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” – Jon Stewart
"I live in a mad house run by a tiny army that I made myself." — Anonymous
“No matter how much time you spend reading books or following your intuition, you’re gonna screw it up. Fifty times. You can’t do parenting right.”
- Alan Arkin.
"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous
“Kids are expensive, I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life.”—Kate Davis
“I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said, ‘Not yet, but we placed an ad.’”
- Dana Snow.
“Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” —Paula Poundstone
"If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland." – Dave Barry
“Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.”
- Ed Asner.
“I would have made a terrible parent. The first time my child didn’t do what I wanted, I’d kill him.”
- Katherine Hepburn.
“No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I’m not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.”
- Bill Cosby.
“The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.”
- Paul Reiser.
“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”
- James Baldwin.
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”
- Judd Apatow.
“There’s no such thing as ready. You just jump on a moving train and you try not to die.”
- A Dad, ‘What To Expect When You Are Expecting.’
“Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes.”
– Joyce Armor.
“Nurse: handing me a newborn You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese” – @mommy_cusses
“I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors.”
- Percy French.
“Parenting is a constant battle between going to bed to catch up on some sleep or staying awake to finally get some alone time.” — Anonymous
“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.”
- Dorothy Parker.
“A baby changes your dinner party conversation from politics to poops.”
- Maurice Johnston.
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”
- Leo Burke.
“Sooner or later we all quote our mothers." – Bern Williams
"Children aren’t happy without something to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for." – Ogden Nash
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home." – Robert Orben
“The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.”
- Lane Olinghouse.
“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon