“If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.”
- Bette Davis.
“I’m totally ‘that dad’ who leaves a note in my son’s lunch box. One day I’ll actually start putting food in there also.”
- Steve Ryan.
"Parenting is basically just listening to yourself talk because nobody else is." - Unknown
"Motherhood – when 90% of your time is spent putting other people’s crap away." — Anonymous
“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
“Your typical six-year-old is a paradoxical little person.”
- Louise Bates Ames.
“It’s weird, all those parenting books my wife made me read, and not one ever hinted that I’d have to remind my son not to touch the dog’s butthole.”
- Jr. Williams.
“Sooner or later we all quote our mothers." – Bern Williams
“Never underestimate a child’s ability to get into more trouble.”
- Martin Mull.
“You want to know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”
- Phyllis Diller.
"If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland." – Dave Barry
“Parenting is a constant battle between going to bed to catch up on some sleep or staying awake to finally get some alone time.” — Anonymous
“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
- Milton Berle.
“A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.” —Dave Barry
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda
"The first 40 years of parenthood are always the hardest." – Unknown
“Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty.”
- Julia Roberts.
“I used to believe my father about everything, but then I had children myself and now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.”
- Brian Andreas.
"I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job." – Roseanne Barr
"Parents are the bones on which children cut their teeth." – Peter Ustinov
“My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett
“Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million-dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.”
- Jim Bishop.
“You dropped your kid off a changing table? Stuff just happens, okay? Last week, my kid ate a cigarette. I caught him playing in the dryer yesterday. I picked up the wrong baby from daycare. I found my baby swimming in the toilet. No judging.”
- 'What To Expect When You Are Expecting'.
“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”
- James Baldwin.
“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“Ugh it’s so hot!’…gets hit by two drops of pool water ‘splash me again and I’ll donate all your toys.’”
- Salty Mermaid.
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.” - Anonymous
“No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I’m not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.”
- Bill Cosby.
“I would have made a terrible parent. The first time my child didn’t do what I wanted, I’d kill him.”
- Katherine Hepburn.
“I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.” — Anonymous
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck
“In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in television.”
- Erma Bombeck.
"If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, keep away from children." – Susan Savannah
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home." – Robert Orben
“Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes.”
– Joyce Armor.
“Kids are expensive, I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life.”—Kate Davis
“Sending your kids to summer camp teaches them important life lessons... like, ‘You can deal with your problems by sending them to summer camp.’”
- Ari Fishbein.
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
- Erma Bombeck
"I live in a mad house run by a tiny army that I made myself." — Anonymous
“A baby changes your dinner party conversation from politics to poops.”
- Maurice Johnston.
"My mom used to say it doesn’t matter how many kids you have… because one kid will take up 100% of your time so more kids can’t possibly take up more than 100% of your time." - Karen Brown
“Parenthood…it’s about guiding the next generation and forgiving the last.”
- Peter Krause.
"Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare." - End Asner
“Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.”
- Amber Dusick.
“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”
- David Frost.
“I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors.”
- Percy French.
"A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm." – Bill Vaughan
“When you’re young, you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape.” – Dave Attell
“If you like people who do stupid sh#t all the time, become a parent." – Kelly Oxford