“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.”
- Nate Smith.
“You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.” - Anonymous
“Sending your kids to summer camp teaches them important life lessons... like, ‘You can deal with your problems by sending them to summer camp.’”
- Ari Fishbein.
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.” - Anonymous
“I’ve got seven kids, the three words you hear most around my house are: “Hello, goodbye, and I’m pregnant”.
- Dean Martin.
“My daughters only six months old and already drawing. I’d hang it on the fridge, but honestly, its absolute garbage.” – Ryan Reynolds
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
“All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” – Jon Stewart
“Having children is like living in a frat house — nobody sleeps, everything s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.”
- Ray Romano.
"A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm." – Bill Vaughan
"What is a home without children. Quiet." – Henny Youngman
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
“I feel very blessed to have two wonderful, healthy children who keep me completely grounded, sane, and throw up on my shoes just before I go to an awards show just so I know to keep it real.”
- Reese Witherspoon.
“My daughter just lost her first tooth, which is a very sweet moment for a dad. In retrospect, I do regret punching her so hard in the face.”
- Alan Cox.
“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
- Milton Berle.
“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” – Jerry Seinfeld
“Having a child is liking getting a tattoo on your face. You better be committed.”
- 'Eat Pray Love'.
“As a parent you’ve only got one job to do: Keep your daughter off the pole.”
- Chris Rock.
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours”
- Conan O’Brien.
“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” – Red Buttons
“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.”
- Nora Ephron.
“You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.”
—P. J. O’Rourke
“Having kids makes you look stable to the people who thought you were crazy and crazy to the people who thought you were stable.” – Kelly Oxford
"Children aren’t happy without something to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for." – Ogden Nash
“Your typical six-year-old is a paradoxical little person.”
- Louise Bates Ames.
“Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.”
- Ed Asner.
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck
“Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.”
- Marshall McLuhan.
“Once you sign on to be a mother, 24/7 is the only shift they offer.”
- Jodi Picoult.
"It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower, or vacuum cleaner." – Ben Bergor
“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”
- David Frost.
"If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland." – Dave Barry
“The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.” – @ramblinma
"Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of." – Bruce Lansky
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
- Carrie Underwood.
"When your “mom voice” is so loud even the neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed." - Unknown
“I thought I’d never be that annoying person, but as soon as Winnie was born, I was showing iPhone snaps to a cab driver.”
- Jimmy Fallon.
"Children are a great comfort in your old age- and they help you reach it faster too." – Lionel Kauffman
“My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett
“Parenting is a constant battle between going to bed to catch up on some sleep or staying awake to finally get some alone time.” — Anonymous
"If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, keep away from children." – Susan Savannah
“I think being a good father is keeping the mother happy so she doesn’t drive the kids crazy.”
- James, ‘Look Who’s Talking.’
“No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.” – @simoncholland
"Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare." - End Asner
“Ugh it’s so hot!’…gets hit by two drops of pool water ‘splash me again and I’ll donate all your toys.’”
- Salty Mermaid.