“If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.”
- Bette Davis.
“A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.” - Jerry Seinfeld
“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”
- David Frost.
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield
“The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.”
- Lane Olinghouse.
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
“Once you sign on to be a mother, 24/7 is the only shift they offer.”
- Jodi Picoult.
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home." – Robert Orben
“A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.” —Dave Barry
“I used to believe my father about everything, but then I had children myself and now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.”
- Brian Andreas.
“When you’re young, you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape.” – Dave Attell
“Having kids makes you look stable to the people who thought you were crazy and crazy to the people who thought you were stable.” – Kelly Oxford
“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.”
- Dorothy Parker.
“You want to know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
“Kids are expensive, I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life.”—Kate Davis
“It’s weird, all those parenting books my wife made me read, and not one ever hinted that I’d have to remind my son not to touch the dog’s butthole.”
- Jr. Williams.
“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”
- James Baldwin.
"Insanity is hereditary you get it from your kids." – Sam Levenson
"I love when my kids tells me they’re bored. As if the lady standing in front of a full sink of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time." – Unknown
"A truly appreciative child will break, lose, spoil, or fondle to death any really successful gift within a matter of minutes." – Russell Lynes
“No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.” – @simoncholland
“Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.”
- Marshall McLuhan.
“There’s no such thing as ready. You just jump on a moving train and you try not to die.”
- A Dad, ‘What To Expect When You Are Expecting.’
“The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.”
- Paul Reiser.
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.”
- Nate Smith.
“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world, but they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they’re born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.”
- Ray Romano.
“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” – Jerry Seinfeld
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”
- Phyllis Diller.
"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children." – Clarence Day
“You dropped your kid off a changing table? Stuff just happens, okay? Last week, my kid ate a cigarette. I caught him playing in the dryer yesterday. I picked up the wrong baby from daycare. I found my baby swimming in the toilet. No judging.”
- 'What To Expect When You Are Expecting'.
“The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.” – @ramblinma
“I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make. So I became a Mom.” – Unknown
“The thing about parenting rules is there aren’t any. That’s what makes it so difficult.”
- Ewan McGregor.
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
"Parents are the bones on which children cut their teeth." – Peter Ustinov
“In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in television.”
- Erma Bombeck.
"When your “mom voice” is so loud even the neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed." - Unknown
"Parenting is basically just listening to yourself talk because nobody else is." - Unknown
“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” – Red Buttons
"Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of." – Bruce Lansky
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield
“Why don’t kids understand their nap is not for them, but for us?”
- Alyson Hannigan.
“My daughter just lost her first tooth, which is a very sweet moment for a dad. In retrospect, I do regret punching her so hard in the face.”
- Alan Cox.
“Silence is golden…unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious.” - Anonymous
“90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.” - Anonymous
“Can he have this?” With first baby: “Is it organic and homemade?” After second baby: “He can have anything except narcotics and alcohol.” - Unknown
"Motherhood – when 90% of your time is spent putting other people’s crap away." — Anonymous
“The only thing that kids wear out faster than shoes is their parents.”
- John J. Plomp.
"I don’t know whether they should say “You have a baby” or “The baby has you”." ~ Anonymous
“It’s like kids can just smell when you start relaxing.” - Anonymous