"I love when my kids tells me they’re bored. As if the lady standing in front of a full sink of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time." – Unknown
"The first 40 years of parenthood are always the hardest." – Unknown
“Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.”
- Amber Dusick.
“Why don’t kids understand their nap is not for them, but for us?”
- Alyson Hannigan.
“If you like people who do stupid sh#t all the time, become a parent." – Kelly Oxford
“My daughter just lost her first tooth, which is a very sweet moment for a dad. In retrospect, I do regret punching her so hard in the face.”
- Alan Cox.
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”
- Ernest Hemingway.
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
- Carrie Underwood.
“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” – Red Buttons
“Having a child is liking getting a tattoo on your face. You better be committed.”
- 'Eat Pray Love'.
“I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make. So I became a Mom.” – Unknown
“Being a mom means kids banging on the bathroom door like SWAT, asking for a drink, while you’re in the shower. And Dad is in the kitchen.” – @SarcasticMommy4
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson
“You’re making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be." - Anonymous
“Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
“On our 6 a.m. walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it’s in heaven, visiting Daddy’s freedom.” – Ryan Reynolds
"Motherhood – when 90% of your time is spent putting other people’s crap away." — Anonymous
“As a parent you’ve only got one job to do: Keep your daughter off the pole.”
- Chris Rock.
"I don’t know whether they should say “You have a baby” or “The baby has you”." ~ Anonymous
“I thought I’d never be that annoying person, but as soon as Winnie was born, I was showing iPhone snaps to a cab driver.”
- Jimmy Fallon.
“The only thing that kids wear out faster than shoes is their parents.”
- John J. Plomp.
"The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet." – Bill Cosby
"When I tell my kids I'll do something in a minute, what I'm really saying is "Please forget." - @SarcasticMommy4
"What is a home without children. Quiet." – Henny Youngman
“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”
- David Frost.
“You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.” - Anonymous
“When you’re young, you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape.” – Dave Attell
“No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.” – @simoncholland
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“I don’t know what’s more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you’re doing.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
“Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.”
- Ryan Reynolds.
“Once you sign on to be a mother, 24/7 is the only shift they offer.”
- Jodi Picoult.
“My daughters only six months old and already drawing. I’d hang it on the fridge, but honestly, its absolute garbage.” – Ryan Reynolds
“90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.” - Anonymous
“A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.” - Jerry Seinfeld
"So I stepped away for like two seconds…” – the beginning of every parenting horror story." — Anonymous
"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children." – Clarence Day
"My mom used to say it doesn’t matter how many kids you have… because one kid will take up 100% of your time so more kids can’t possibly take up more than 100% of your time." - Karen Brown
"Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of." – Bruce Lansky
“You dropped your kid off a changing table? Stuff just happens, okay? Last week, my kid ate a cigarette. I caught him playing in the dryer yesterday. I picked up the wrong baby from daycare. I found my baby swimming in the toilet. No judging.”
- 'What To Expect When You Are Expecting'.
“I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.”
- Dave Barry.
“How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?”
- Michael, ‘Three Men And A Baby.’
“Having kids makes you look stable to the people who thought you were crazy and crazy to the people who thought you were stable.” – Kelly Oxford
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield
"Children are a great comfort in your old age- and they help you reach it faster too." – Lionel Kauffman
“I feel very blessed to have two wonderful, healthy children who keep me completely grounded, sane, and throw up on my shoes just before I go to an awards show just so I know to keep it real.”
- Reese Witherspoon.
“Never underestimate a child’s ability to get into more trouble.”
- Martin Mull.
"It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower, or vacuum cleaner." – Ben Bergor
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”
- Erma Bombeck.