“Parenting Tip: If your child is crying, hold it close and whisper, 'You don’t have a clue what horrors this world holds.'”
- Rob Delaney.
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson
“The thing about parenting rules is there aren’t any. That’s what makes it so difficult.”
- Ewan McGregor.
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
- Carrie Underwood.
“I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make. So I became a Mom.” – Unknown
“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“I would say that the hardest thing about being a parent is these goddamned kids.”
- Andy Richter.
“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world, but they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they’re born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.”
- Ray Romano.
“Having kids makes you look stable to the people who thought you were crazy and crazy to the people who thought you were stable.” – Kelly Oxford
“In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in television.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
- Milton Berle.
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
“You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.” - Anonymous
"Motherhood – when 90% of your time is spent putting other people’s crap away." — Anonymous
"Parenthood: That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage." – Marcelene Cox
"If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, keep away from children." – Susan Savannah
"Children aren’t happy without something to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for." – Ogden Nash
"Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare." - End Asner
“I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.” — Anonymous
“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” – Jerry Seinfeld
“Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” —Paula Poundstone
"It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower, or vacuum cleaner." – Ben Bergor
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“I think being a good father is keeping the mother happy so she doesn’t drive the kids crazy.”
- James, ‘Look Who’s Talking.’
“You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.”
—P. J. O’Rourke
“It’s weird, all those parenting books my wife made me read, and not one ever hinted that I’d have to remind my son not to touch the dog’s butthole.”
- Jr. Williams.
“The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.”
- Paul Reiser.
“Silence is golden…unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious.” - Anonymous
“Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.”
—Doug Larson
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
- Phyllis Diller.
"The first 40 years of parenthood are always the hardest." – Unknown
"When I tell my kids I'll do something in a minute, what I'm really saying is "Please forget." - @SarcasticMommy4
“I don’t know what’s more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you’re doing.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.”
—Michelle Pfeiffer
“Ugh it’s so hot!’…gets hit by two drops of pool water ‘splash me again and I’ll donate all your toys.’”
- Salty Mermaid.
“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.”
- Nora Ephron.
"Some children threaten to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going." – Phyllis Diller
“You dropped your kid off a changing table? Stuff just happens, okay? Last week, my kid ate a cigarette. I caught him playing in the dryer yesterday. I picked up the wrong baby from daycare. I found my baby swimming in the toilet. No judging.”
- 'What To Expect When You Are Expecting'.
“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”
- Ernest Hemingway.
“Parenthood…it’s about guiding the next generation and forgiving the last.”
- Peter Krause.
“The only thing that kids wear out faster than shoes is their parents.”
- John J. Plomp.
“Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.”
- Ryan Reynolds.
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck
“Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
"Children are a great comfort in your old age- and they help you reach it faster too." – Lionel Kauffman
“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.”
- Dorothy Parker.
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
- Erma Bombeck
“Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty.”
- Julia Roberts.