"I love when my kids tells me they’re bored. As if the lady standing in front of a full sink of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time." – Unknown
"Motherhood – when 90% of your time is spent putting other people’s crap away." — Anonymous
"So I stepped away for like two seconds…” – the beginning of every parenting horror story." — Anonymous
“A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.” —Dave Barry
“No matter how much time you spend reading books or following your intuition, you’re gonna screw it up. Fifty times. You can’t do parenting right.”
- Alan Arkin.
“Having children is like living in a frat house — nobody sleeps, everything s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.”
- Ray Romano.
“Having kids makes you look stable to the people who thought you were crazy and crazy to the people who thought you were stable.” – Kelly Oxford
“Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson
“I thought I’d never be that annoying person, but as soon as Winnie was born, I was showing iPhone snaps to a cab driver.”
- Jimmy Fallon.
“If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.”
- Bette Davis.
"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous
“I feel very blessed to have two wonderful, healthy children who keep me completely grounded, sane, and throw up on my shoes just before I go to an awards show just so I know to keep it real.”
- Reese Witherspoon.
“When you’re young, you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape.” – Dave Attell
"Children are a great comfort in your old age- and they help you reach it faster too." – Lionel Kauffman
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”
- Judd Apatow.
"A truly appreciative child will break, lose, spoil, or fondle to death any really successful gift within a matter of minutes." – Russell Lynes
“You want to know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
“The thing about parenting rules is there aren’t any. That’s what makes it so difficult.”
- Ewan McGregor.
“A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.” - Jerry Seinfeld
"Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare." - End Asner
“I think being a good father is keeping the mother happy so she doesn’t drive the kids crazy.”
- James, ‘Look Who’s Talking.’
“Parenting is a constant battle between going to bed to catch up on some sleep or staying awake to finally get some alone time.” — Anonymous
"If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland." – Dave Barry
“Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.”
- Marshall McLuhan.
“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
“Parenting is a cult. And as a cult member, you can try to explain it to other people, but we just appear like lunatics.” – Jim Gaffigan
“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.”
—Michelle Pfeiffer
“As a parent you’ve only got one job to do: Keep your daughter off the pole.”
- Chris Rock.
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours”
- Conan O’Brien.
“It’s weird, all those parenting books my wife made me read, and not one ever hinted that I’d have to remind my son not to touch the dog’s butthole.”
- Jr. Williams.
"A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm." – Bill Vaughan
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
“Nurse: handing me a newborn You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese” – @mommy_cusses
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
“Kids are expensive, I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life.”—Kate Davis
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.”
- Dorothy Parker.
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
"Children aren’t happy without something to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for." – Ogden Nash
"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children." – Clarence Day
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.” – Nate Smith
“I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.” — Anonymous
"Parenthood: That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage." – Marcelene Cox
“I would have made a terrible parent. The first time my child didn’t do what I wanted, I’d kill him.”
- Katherine Hepburn.
“Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million-dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.”
- Jim Bishop.
“I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.”
- Dave Barry.
“Never underestimate a child’s ability to get into more trouble.”
- Martin Mull.
“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
“It’s like kids can just smell when you start relaxing.” - Anonymous