“It’s weird, all those parenting books my wife made me read, and not one ever hinted that I’d have to remind my son not to touch the dog’s butthole.”
- Jr. Williams.
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
- Carrie Underwood.
“You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.” - Anonymous
“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”
—P.J. O’Rourke
“Your typical six-year-old is a paradoxical little person.”
- Louise Bates Ames.
“When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.”
- Dorothy Parker.
"If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland." – Dave Barry
“It’s like kids can just smell when you start relaxing.” - Anonymous
“Being a mom means kids banging on the bathroom door like SWAT, asking for a drink, while you’re in the shower. And Dad is in the kitchen.” – @SarcasticMommy4
"A truly appreciative child will break, lose, spoil, or fondle to death any really successful gift within a matter of minutes." – Russell Lynes
“I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said, ‘Not yet, but we placed an ad.’”
- Dana Snow.
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” – Jerry Seinfeld
“You’re making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be." - Anonymous
“Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“Having children is like living in a frat house — nobody sleeps, everything s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.”
- Ray Romano.
“Having kids makes you look stable to the people who thought you were crazy and crazy to the people who thought you were stable.” – Kelly Oxford
“Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.”
- Amber Dusick.
“On our 6 a.m. walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it’s in heaven, visiting Daddy’s freedom.” – Ryan Reynolds
“My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett
"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
“I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.” — Anonymous
"I live in a mad house run by a tiny army that I made myself." — Anonymous
“Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes.”
– Joyce Armor.
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”
- Phyllis Diller.
"Children aren’t happy without something to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for." – Ogden Nash
“My daughter just lost her first tooth, which is a very sweet moment for a dad. In retrospect, I do regret punching her so hard in the face.”
- Alan Cox.
“Silence is golden…unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious.” - Anonymous
“Never underestimate a child’s ability to get into more trouble.”
- Martin Mull.
“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.”
- Nora Ephron.
"What is a home without children. Quiet." – Henny Youngman
“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” – Jon Stewart
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
“A baby changes your dinner party conversation from politics to poops.”
- Maurice Johnston.
“A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.” —Dave Barry
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”
- Leo Burke.
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home." – Robert Orben
"A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm." – Bill Vaughan
"If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, keep away from children." – Susan Savannah
"Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare." - End Asner
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield
“Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.”
- Ed Asner.
“There’s no such thing as ready. You just jump on a moving train and you try not to die.”
- A Dad, ‘What To Expect When You Are Expecting.’
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours”
- Conan O’Brien.
“Why don’t kids understand their nap is not for them, but for us?”
- Alyson Hannigan.
“I feel very blessed to have two wonderful, healthy children who keep me completely grounded, sane, and throw up on my shoes just before I go to an awards show just so I know to keep it real.”
- Reese Witherspoon.