"Parenthood: That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage." – Marcelene Cox
“I would have made a terrible parent. The first time my child didn’t do what I wanted, I’d kill him.”
- Katherine Hepburn.
“Parenthood…it’s about guiding the next generation and forgiving the last.”
- Peter Krause.
"Parenting is basically just listening to yourself talk because nobody else is." - Unknown
"The first 40 years of parenthood are always the hardest." – Unknown
"Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of." – Bruce Lansky
“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
- Milton Berle.
“I’ve got seven kids, the three words you hear most around my house are: “Hello, goodbye, and I’m pregnant”.
- Dean Martin.
“Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
“I think being a good father is keeping the mother happy so she doesn’t drive the kids crazy.”
- James, ‘Look Who’s Talking.’
"I live in a mad house run by a tiny army that I made myself." — Anonymous
“No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I’m not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.”
- Bill Cosby.
"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children." – Clarence Day
"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous
“No matter how much time you spend reading books or following your intuition, you’re gonna screw it up. Fifty times. You can’t do parenting right.”
- Alan Arkin.
“You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.”
—P. J. O’Rourke
“Never underestimate a child’s ability to get into more trouble.”
- Martin Mull.
“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.”
- Nate Smith.
"Children aren’t happy without something to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for." – Ogden Nash
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”
- Judd Apatow.
“It’s like kids can just smell when you start relaxing.” - Anonymous
“The thing about parenting rules is there aren’t any. That’s what makes it so difficult.”
- Ewan McGregor.
“The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.”
- Lane Olinghouse.
“In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in television.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“If you like people who do stupid sh#t all the time, become a parent." – Kelly Oxford
“Having children is like living in a frat house — nobody sleeps, everything s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.”
- Ray Romano.
“I would say that the hardest thing about being a parent is these goddamned kids.”
- Andy Richter.
“Having a child is liking getting a tattoo on your face. You better be committed.”
- 'Eat Pray Love'.
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
- Erma Bombeck
“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.”
—Michelle Pfeiffer
“I feel very blessed to have two wonderful, healthy children who keep me completely grounded, sane, and throw up on my shoes just before I go to an awards show just so I know to keep it real.”
- Reese Witherspoon.
"My mom used to say it doesn’t matter how many kids you have… because one kid will take up 100% of your time so more kids can’t possibly take up more than 100% of your time." - Karen Brown
“A baby changes your dinner party conversation from politics to poops.”
- Maurice Johnston.
“Can he have this?” With first baby: “Is it organic and homemade?” After second baby: “He can have anything except narcotics and alcohol.” - Unknown
“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”
- David Frost.
“90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.” - Anonymous
"Insanity is hereditary you get it from your kids." – Sam Levenson
“I used to believe my father about everything, but then I had children myself and now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.”
- Brian Andreas.
“As a parent you’ve only got one job to do: Keep your daughter off the pole.”
- Chris Rock.
“Being a mom means kids banging on the bathroom door like SWAT, asking for a drink, while you’re in the shower. And Dad is in the kitchen.” – @SarcasticMommy4
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
“Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.”
- Marshall McLuhan.
"I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job." – Roseanne Barr
“If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.”
- Bette Davis.
“No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.” – @simoncholland
“Nurse: handing me a newborn You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese” – @mommy_cusses
“You want to know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
“Kids are expensive, I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life.”—Kate Davis
“Having kids makes you look stable to the people who thought you were crazy and crazy to the people who thought you were stable.” – Kelly Oxford