“The easiest way to teach children the value of money is to borrow some from them." — Anonymous
“The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.” – @ramblinma
"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children." – Clarence Day
“How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?”
- Michael, ‘Three Men And A Baby.’
"What is a home without children. Quiet." – Henny Youngman
“If you like people who do stupid sh#t all the time, become a parent." – Kelly Oxford
"Parents are the bones on which children cut their teeth." – Peter Ustinov
“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” – Red Buttons
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.”
—Michelle Pfeiffer
“No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I’m not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.”
- Bill Cosby.
"I live in a mad house run by a tiny army that I made myself." — Anonymous
“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”
- James Baldwin.
“Can he have this?” With first baby: “Is it organic and homemade?” After second baby: “He can have anything except narcotics and alcohol.” - Unknown
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours”
- Conan O’Brien.
“Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.”
- Amber Dusick.
"A truly appreciative child will break, lose, spoil, or fondle to death any really successful gift within a matter of minutes." – Russell Lynes
“I used to believe my father about everything, but then I had children myself and now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.”
- Brian Andreas.
“My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett
“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.”
- Dorothy Parker.
"Some children threaten to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going." – Phyllis Diller
“Nurse: handing me a newborn You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese” – @mommy_cusses
"Parenthood: That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage." – Marcelene Cox
“The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.”
- Lane Olinghouse.