“You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.” - Anonymous
“A baby changes your dinner party conversation from politics to poops.”
- Maurice Johnston.
“No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.” – @simoncholland
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
- Milton Berle.
"If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland." – Dave Barry
“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” – Jerry Seinfeld
“It’s weird, all those parenting books my wife made me read, and not one ever hinted that I’d have to remind my son not to touch the dog’s butthole.”
- Jr. Williams.
“I think being a good father is keeping the mother happy so she doesn’t drive the kids crazy.”
- James, ‘Look Who’s Talking.’
“It’s like kids can just smell when you start relaxing.” - Anonymous
"I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job." – Roseanne Barr
“My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett
“Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.”
- Marshall McLuhan.
“Having kids makes you look stable to the people who thought you were crazy and crazy to the people who thought you were stable.” – Kelly Oxford
“If you like people who do stupid sh#t all the time, become a parent." – Kelly Oxford
“Being a mom means kids banging on the bathroom door like SWAT, asking for a drink, while you’re in the shower. And Dad is in the kitchen.” – @SarcasticMommy4
“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world, but they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they’re born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.”
- Ray Romano.
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
“If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.”
- Bette Davis.
“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”
—P.J. O’Rourke
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
- Carrie Underwood.
“A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.” - Jerry Seinfeld