“I thought I’d never be that annoying person, but as soon as Winnie was born, I was showing iPhone snaps to a cab driver.”
- Jimmy Fallon.
“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”
- James Baldwin.
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
“I think being a good father is keeping the mother happy so she doesn’t drive the kids crazy.”
- James, ‘Look Who’s Talking.’
“You’re making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be." - Anonymous
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda
“90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.” - Anonymous
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” – Red Buttons
“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” – Jerry Seinfeld
"If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, keep away from children." – Susan Savannah
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”
- Leo Burke.
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”
- Judd Apatow.
“Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.”
- Ryan Reynolds.
"Children aren’t happy without something to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for." – Ogden Nash
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
- Erma Bombeck
“Having children is like living in a frat house — nobody sleeps, everything s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.”
- Ray Romano.
“Why don’t kids understand their nap is not for them, but for us?”
- Alyson Hannigan.
"My mom used to say it doesn’t matter how many kids you have… because one kid will take up 100% of your time so more kids can’t possibly take up more than 100% of your time." - Karen Brown
"When your “mom voice” is so loud even the neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed." - Unknown
“I’m totally ‘that dad’ who leaves a note in my son’s lunch box. One day I’ll actually start putting food in there also.”
- Steve Ryan.
"Parenting is basically just listening to yourself talk because nobody else is." - Unknown
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield
“Sending your kids to summer camp teaches them important life lessons... like, ‘You can deal with your problems by sending them to summer camp.’”
- Ari Fishbein.