“I would have made a terrible parent. The first time my child didn’t do what I wanted, I’d kill him.”
- Katherine Hepburn.
“A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.” - Jerry Seinfeld
“No matter how much time you spend reading books or following your intuition, you’re gonna screw it up. Fifty times. You can’t do parenting right.”
- Alan Arkin.
“Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes.”
– Joyce Armor.
“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” – Red Buttons
“Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.”
- Ed Asner.
“The easiest way to teach children the value of money is to borrow some from them." — Anonymous
“As a parent you’ve only got one job to do: Keep your daughter off the pole.”
- Chris Rock.
“My daughters only six months old and already drawing. I’d hang it on the fridge, but honestly, its absolute garbage.” – Ryan Reynolds
“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.”
- Dorothy Parker.
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.”
- Nate Smith.
“Sooner or later we all quote our mothers." – Bern Williams
"I live in a mad house run by a tiny army that I made myself." — Anonymous
“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
“Can he have this?” With first baby: “Is it organic and homemade?” After second baby: “He can have anything except narcotics and alcohol.” - Unknown
“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” – Jerry Seinfeld
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“Having kids makes you look stable to the people who thought you were crazy and crazy to the people who thought you were stable.” – Kelly Oxford
“I feel very blessed to have two wonderful, healthy children who keep me completely grounded, sane, and throw up on my shoes just before I go to an awards show just so I know to keep it real.”
- Reese Witherspoon.
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
- Erma Bombeck
“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
- Milton Berle.
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours”
- Conan O’Brien.
“Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.”
- Nia Vardalos.
“If you like people who do stupid sh#t all the time, become a parent." – Kelly Oxford