"If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, keep away from children." – Susan Savannah
“The easiest way to teach children the value of money is to borrow some from them." — Anonymous
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
"The first 40 years of parenthood are always the hardest." – Unknown
"When I tell my kids I'll do something in a minute, what I'm really saying is "Please forget." - @SarcasticMommy4
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“Why don’t kids understand their nap is not for them, but for us?”
- Alyson Hannigan.
"I love when my kids tells me they’re bored. As if the lady standing in front of a full sink of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time." – Unknown
“I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said, ‘Not yet, but we placed an ad.’”
- Dana Snow.
“Sooner or later we all quote our mothers." – Bern Williams
"So I stepped away for like two seconds…” – the beginning of every parenting horror story." — Anonymous
“Parenting Tip: If your child is crying, hold it close and whisper, 'You don’t have a clue what horrors this world holds.'”
- Rob Delaney.
"What is a home without children. Quiet." – Henny Youngman
"Parents are the bones on which children cut their teeth." – Peter Ustinov
“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.”
—Michelle Pfeiffer
"Children are a great comfort in your old age- and they help you reach it faster too." – Lionel Kauffman
“My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett
“On our 6 a.m. walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it’s in heaven, visiting Daddy’s freedom.” – Ryan Reynolds
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”
- Leo Burke.
“Once you sign on to be a mother, 24/7 is the only shift they offer.”
- Jodi Picoult.
“Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.”
- Ryan Reynolds.
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“Parenthood…it’s about guiding the next generation and forgiving the last.”
- Peter Krause.