“Silence is golden…unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious.” - Anonymous
“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
“My daughters only six months old and already drawing. I’d hang it on the fridge, but honestly, its absolute garbage.” – Ryan Reynolds
"Mom Pro Tip – If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself." – Unknown
“Once you sign on to be a mother, 24/7 is the only shift they offer.”
- Jodi Picoult.
“A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.” - Jerry Seinfeld
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
"Children are a great comfort in your old age- and they help you reach it faster too." – Lionel Kauffman
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield
“On our 6 a.m. walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it’s in heaven, visiting Daddy’s freedom.” – Ryan Reynolds
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
- Carrie Underwood.
“Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.”
—Doug Larson
"I live in a mad house run by a tiny army that I made myself." — Anonymous
“I don’t know what’s more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you’re doing.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children." – Clarence Day
"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous
“Parenting is a cult. And as a cult member, you can try to explain it to other people, but we just appear like lunatics.” – Jim Gaffigan
“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”
—P.J. O’Rourke
“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world, but they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they’re born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.”
- Ray Romano.
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”
- Judd Apatow.
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“Being a mom means kids banging on the bathroom door like SWAT, asking for a drink, while you’re in the shower. And Dad is in the kitchen.” – @SarcasticMommy4
“Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.”
- Marshall McLuhan.
“Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.”
- Ed Asner.
“Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes.”
– Joyce Armor.
“90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.” - Anonymous
"A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm." – Bill Vaughan
“You’re making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be." - Anonymous
"Parenthood: That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage." – Marcelene Cox
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.” – Nate Smith
“Parenting Tip: If your child is crying, hold it close and whisper, 'You don’t have a clue what horrors this world holds.'”
- Rob Delaney.
“I thought I’d never be that annoying person, but as soon as Winnie was born, I was showing iPhone snaps to a cab driver.”
- Jimmy Fallon.
“As a parent you’ve only got one job to do: Keep your daughter off the pole.”
- Chris Rock.
"Parenting is basically just listening to yourself talk because nobody else is." - Unknown
“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”
- James Baldwin.
“Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty.”
- Julia Roberts.
“My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
“Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” —Paula Poundstone
“In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in television.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“I used to believe my father about everything, but then I had children myself and now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.”
- Brian Andreas.
“Parenting is a constant battle between going to bed to catch up on some sleep or staying awake to finally get some alone time.” — Anonymous
“Can he have this?” With first baby: “Is it organic and homemade?” After second baby: “He can have anything except narcotics and alcohol.” - Unknown
“When you’re young, you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape.” – Dave Attell
“Having a child is liking getting a tattoo on your face. You better be committed.”
- 'Eat Pray Love'.
“Ugh it’s so hot!’…gets hit by two drops of pool water ‘splash me again and I’ll donate all your toys.’”
- Salty Mermaid.
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours”
- Conan O’Brien.
“My daughter just lost her first tooth, which is a very sweet moment for a dad. In retrospect, I do regret punching her so hard in the face.”
- Alan Cox.
“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” – Jerry Seinfeld