“In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in television.”
- Erma Bombeck.
"When I tell my kids I'll do something in a minute, what I'm really saying is "Please forget." - @SarcasticMommy4
“It’s like kids can just smell when you start relaxing.” - Anonymous
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson
“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.”
- Nora Ephron.
“You want to know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous
“Sooner or later we all quote our mothers." – Bern Williams
“The thing about parenting rules is there aren’t any. That’s what makes it so difficult.”
- Ewan McGregor.
“Having a baby dragged me, kicking and screaming, from the world of self-absorption.”
- Paul Reiser.
“When you’re young, you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape.” – Dave Attell
“There’s no such thing as ready. You just jump on a moving train and you try not to die.”
- A Dad, ‘What To Expect When You Are Expecting.’
“Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.”
- Nia Vardalos.
“Parenting Tip: If your child is crying, hold it close and whisper, 'You don’t have a clue what horrors this world holds.'”
- Rob Delaney.
"Motherhood – when 90% of your time is spent putting other people’s crap away." — Anonymous
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”
- Judd Apatow.
“Being a mom means kids banging on the bathroom door like SWAT, asking for a drink, while you’re in the shower. And Dad is in the kitchen.” – @SarcasticMommy4
"A truly appreciative child will break, lose, spoil, or fondle to death any really successful gift within a matter of minutes." – Russell Lynes
“You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.”
—P. J. O’Rourke
“You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.” - Anonymous
“On our 6 a.m. walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it’s in heaven, visiting Daddy’s freedom.” – Ryan Reynolds
“As a parent you’ve only got one job to do: Keep your daughter off the pole.”
- Chris Rock.
“I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.”
- Dave Barry.
“Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes.”
– Joyce Armor.
“The easiest way to teach children the value of money is to borrow some from them." — Anonymous
“Why don’t kids understand their nap is not for them, but for us?”
- Alyson Hannigan.
“No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.” – @simoncholland
“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.”
—Michelle Pfeiffer
“You’re making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be." - Anonymous
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda
“I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors.”
- Percy French.
“Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.”
- Amber Dusick.
"Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of." – Bruce Lansky
“Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.”
- Marshall McLuhan.
“All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“Having children is like living in a frat house — nobody sleeps, everything s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.”
- Ray Romano.
“Parenthood…it’s about guiding the next generation and forgiving the last.”
- Peter Krause.
“A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.” - Jerry Seinfeld
“Parenting is a cult. And as a cult member, you can try to explain it to other people, but we just appear like lunatics.” – Jim Gaffigan
“I used to believe my father about everything, but then I had children myself and now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.”
- Brian Andreas.
“If you like people who do stupid sh#t all the time, become a parent." – Kelly Oxford
“When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“A baby changes your dinner party conversation from politics to poops.”
- Maurice Johnston.
"The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet." – Bill Cosby
“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”
- David Frost.
"Children are a great comfort in your old age- and they help you reach it faster too." – Lionel Kauffman
"I love when my kids tells me they’re bored. As if the lady standing in front of a full sink of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time." – Unknown
“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“My daughter just lost her first tooth, which is a very sweet moment for a dad. In retrospect, I do regret punching her so hard in the face.”
- Alan Cox.
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours”
- Conan O’Brien.