“The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.”
- Paul Reiser.
“I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make. So I became a Mom.” – Unknown
“Having children is like living in a frat house — nobody sleeps, everything s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.”
- Ray Romano.
“It’s like kids can just smell when you start relaxing.” - Anonymous
"When I tell my kids I'll do something in a minute, what I'm really saying is "Please forget." - @SarcasticMommy4
"I live in a mad house run by a tiny army that I made myself." — Anonymous
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson
“Once you sign on to be a mother, 24/7 is the only shift they offer.”
- Jodi Picoult.
“Silence is golden…unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious.” - Anonymous
“Having a baby dragged me, kicking and screaming, from the world of self-absorption.”
- Paul Reiser.
"Children aren’t happy without something to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for." – Ogden Nash
“I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said, ‘Not yet, but we placed an ad.’”
- Dana Snow.
“You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.” - Anonymous
“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”
- James Baldwin.
“My daughters only six months old and already drawing. I’d hang it on the fridge, but honestly, its absolute garbage.” – Ryan Reynolds
"Children are a great comfort in your old age- and they help you reach it faster too." – Lionel Kauffman
“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” – Jon Stewart
“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” – Jerry Seinfeld
“Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty.”
- Julia Roberts.
"Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of." – Bruce Lansky
“You dropped your kid off a changing table? Stuff just happens, okay? Last week, my kid ate a cigarette. I caught him playing in the dryer yesterday. I picked up the wrong baby from daycare. I found my baby swimming in the toilet. No judging.”
- 'What To Expect When You Are Expecting'.
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield
“No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.” – @simoncholland
“Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million-dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.”
- Jim Bishop.
“Sooner or later we all quote our mothers." – Bern Williams
“On our 6 a.m. walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it’s in heaven, visiting Daddy’s freedom.” – Ryan Reynolds
“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
“I feel very blessed to have two wonderful, healthy children who keep me completely grounded, sane, and throw up on my shoes just before I go to an awards show just so I know to keep it real.”
- Reese Witherspoon.
“Being a mom means kids banging on the bathroom door like SWAT, asking for a drink, while you’re in the shower. And Dad is in the kitchen.” – @SarcasticMommy4
“If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.”
- Bette Davis.
“When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.”
- Marshall McLuhan.
"Mom Pro Tip – If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself." – Unknown
“I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors.”
- Percy French.
“90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.” - Anonymous
“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
- Milton Berle.
“You’re making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be." - Anonymous
"Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare." - End Asner
“There’s no such thing as ready. You just jump on a moving train and you try not to die.”
- A Dad, ‘What To Expect When You Are Expecting.’
“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.”
- Nora Ephron.
"Some children threaten to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going." – Phyllis Diller
“Parenthood…it’s about guiding the next generation and forgiving the last.”
- Peter Krause.
“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”
- Erma Bombeck.
"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children." – Clarence Day
“If you like people who do stupid sh#t all the time, become a parent." – Kelly Oxford
“I would say that the hardest thing about being a parent is these goddamned kids.”
- Andy Richter.
“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”
—P.J. O’Rourke
“Never underestimate a child’s ability to get into more trouble.”
- Martin Mull.
“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world, but they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they’re born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.”
- Ray Romano.
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.” – Nate Smith