“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
“I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said, ‘Not yet, but we placed an ad.’”
- Dana Snow.
"I love when my kids tells me they’re bored. As if the lady standing in front of a full sink of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time." – Unknown
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
- Carrie Underwood.
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.” – Nate Smith
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
"So I stepped away for like two seconds…” – the beginning of every parenting horror story." — Anonymous
“Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.”
- Marshall McLuhan.
“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”
- James Baldwin.
“Having a child is liking getting a tattoo on your face. You better be committed.”
- 'Eat Pray Love'.
“Never underestimate a child’s ability to get into more trouble.”
- Martin Mull.
“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
"What is a home without children. Quiet." – Henny Youngman
“Parenthood…it’s about guiding the next generation and forgiving the last.”
- Peter Krause.
“The easiest way to teach children the value of money is to borrow some from them." — Anonymous
“Silence is golden…unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious.” - Anonymous
“Can he have this?” With first baby: “Is it organic and homemade?” After second baby: “He can have anything except narcotics and alcohol.” - Unknown
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
"Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare." - End Asner
“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” – Red Buttons
“90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.” - Anonymous
"Children aren’t happy without something to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for." – Ogden Nash
“I feel very blessed to have two wonderful, healthy children who keep me completely grounded, sane, and throw up on my shoes just before I go to an awards show just so I know to keep it real.”
- Reese Witherspoon.
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson
“I don’t know what’s more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you’re doing.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
"Parenting is basically just listening to yourself talk because nobody else is." - Unknown
“Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”
- Leo Burke.
"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children." – Clarence Day
"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous
“You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.”
—P. J. O’Rourke
“You dropped your kid off a changing table? Stuff just happens, okay? Last week, my kid ate a cigarette. I caught him playing in the dryer yesterday. I picked up the wrong baby from daycare. I found my baby swimming in the toilet. No judging.”
- 'What To Expect When You Are Expecting'.
“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
- Milton Berle.
“Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.”
- Amber Dusick.
“If you like people who do stupid sh#t all the time, become a parent." – Kelly Oxford
“Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.”
- Ed Asner.
“I’ve got seven kids, the three words you hear most around my house are: “Hello, goodbye, and I’m pregnant”.
- Dean Martin.
“You’re making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be." - Anonymous
“On our 6 a.m. walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it’s in heaven, visiting Daddy’s freedom.” – Ryan Reynolds
“Parenting is a constant battle between going to bed to catch up on some sleep or staying awake to finally get some alone time.” — Anonymous
“No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I’m not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.”
- Bill Cosby.
“It’s weird, all those parenting books my wife made me read, and not one ever hinted that I’d have to remind my son not to touch the dog’s butthole.”
- Jr. Williams.
“No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.” – @simoncholland
“A baby changes your dinner party conversation from politics to poops.”
- Maurice Johnston.
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“Having a baby dragged me, kicking and screaming, from the world of self-absorption.”
- Paul Reiser.
"When your “mom voice” is so loud even the neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed." - Unknown
"The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet." – Bill Cosby
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy