“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.”
- Dorothy Parker.
“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.”
- Nora Ephron.
“Nurse: handing me a newborn You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese” – @mommy_cusses
"A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm." – Bill Vaughan
“The only thing that kids wear out faster than shoes is their parents.”
- John J. Plomp.
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
“My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett
"When I tell my kids I'll do something in a minute, what I'm really saying is "Please forget." - @SarcasticMommy4
“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
"Parents are the bones on which children cut their teeth." – Peter Ustinov
“Ugh it’s so hot!’…gets hit by two drops of pool water ‘splash me again and I’ll donate all your toys.’”
- Salty Mermaid.
“It’s like kids can just smell when you start relaxing.” - Anonymous
“The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.”
- Paul Reiser.
“Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
“Having children is like living in a frat house — nobody sleeps, everything s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.”
- Ray Romano.
“The easiest way to teach children the value of money is to borrow some from them." — Anonymous
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
“Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes.”
– Joyce Armor.
“I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make. So I became a Mom.” – Unknown
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
- Carrie Underwood.
“My daughters only six months old and already drawing. I’d hang it on the fridge, but honestly, its absolute garbage.” – Ryan Reynolds
“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”
- James Baldwin.
“I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors.”
- Percy French.
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
“Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.”
- Ed Asner.
“I feel very blessed to have two wonderful, healthy children who keep me completely grounded, sane, and throw up on my shoes just before I go to an awards show just so I know to keep it real.”
- Reese Witherspoon.
“I’ve got seven kids, the three words you hear most around my house are: “Hello, goodbye, and I’m pregnant”.
- Dean Martin.
“Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.”
- Ryan Reynolds.
“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”
- David Frost.
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
“Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million-dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.”
- Jim Bishop.
"It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower, or vacuum cleaner." – Ben Bergor
“Having kids makes you look stable to the people who thought you were crazy and crazy to the people who thought you were stable.” – Kelly Oxford
“I would say that the hardest thing about being a parent is these goddamned kids.”
- Andy Richter.
“Once you sign on to be a mother, 24/7 is the only shift they offer.”
- Jodi Picoult.
“You’re making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be." - Anonymous
“Your typical six-year-old is a paradoxical little person.”
- Louise Bates Ames.
“Parenting Tip: If your child is crying, hold it close and whisper, 'You don’t have a clue what horrors this world holds.'”
- Rob Delaney.
“Having a child is liking getting a tattoo on your face. You better be committed.”
- 'Eat Pray Love'.
"Children are a great comfort in your old age- and they help you reach it faster too." – Lionel Kauffman
“A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.” —Dave Barry
“Can he have this?” With first baby: “Is it organic and homemade?” After second baby: “He can have anything except narcotics and alcohol.” - Unknown
“Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” —Paula Poundstone
“You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.” - Anonymous
“I would have made a terrible parent. The first time my child didn’t do what I wanted, I’d kill him.”
- Katherine Hepburn.
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield
“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” – Jerry Seinfeld
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda
"When your “mom voice” is so loud even the neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed." - Unknown