“The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.”
- Lane Olinghouse.
"A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm." – Bill Vaughan
“I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said, ‘Not yet, but we placed an ad.’”
- Dana Snow.
"I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job." – Roseanne Barr
“If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.”
- Bette Davis.
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”
- Ernest Hemingway.
“No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.” – @simoncholland
"I live in a mad house run by a tiny army that I made myself." — Anonymous
“The only thing that kids wear out faster than shoes is their parents.”
- John J. Plomp.
“I don’t know what’s more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you’re doing.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
"Parents are the bones on which children cut their teeth." – Peter Ustinov
“Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million-dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.”
- Jim Bishop.
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home." – Robert Orben
"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children." – Clarence Day
“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
“In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in television.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“A baby changes your dinner party conversation from politics to poops.”
- Maurice Johnston.
“I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors.”
- Percy French.
“Parenting is a cult. And as a cult member, you can try to explain it to other people, but we just appear like lunatics.” – Jim Gaffigan
“If you like people who do stupid sh#t all the time, become a parent." – Kelly Oxford
“The thing about parenting rules is there aren’t any. That’s what makes it so difficult.”
- Ewan McGregor.
"Motherhood – when 90% of your time is spent putting other people’s crap away." — Anonymous
“I would say that the hardest thing about being a parent is these goddamned kids.”
- Andy Richter.
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”
- James Baldwin.
"It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower, or vacuum cleaner." – Ben Bergor
“I’m totally ‘that dad’ who leaves a note in my son’s lunch box. One day I’ll actually start putting food in there also.”
- Steve Ryan.
"What is a home without children. Quiet." – Henny Youngman
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.”
- Nate Smith.
"If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland." – Dave Barry
“I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.”
- Dave Barry.
“Parenting is a constant battle between going to bed to catch up on some sleep or staying awake to finally get some alone time.” — Anonymous
“You’re making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be." - Anonymous
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson
"Mom Pro Tip – If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself." – Unknown
"Some children threaten to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going." – Phyllis Diller
“You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.” - Anonymous
“Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.”
- Nia Vardalos.
“Having a baby dragged me, kicking and screaming, from the world of self-absorption.”
- Paul Reiser.
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”
- Judd Apatow.
“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“Having a child is liking getting a tattoo on your face. You better be committed.”
- 'Eat Pray Love'.
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda
“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”
- David Frost.
“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
“A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.” - Jerry Seinfeld
“I think being a good father is keeping the mother happy so she doesn’t drive the kids crazy.”
- James, ‘Look Who’s Talking.’
“Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.”
- Ryan Reynolds.
“You dropped your kid off a changing table? Stuff just happens, okay? Last week, my kid ate a cigarette. I caught him playing in the dryer yesterday. I picked up the wrong baby from daycare. I found my baby swimming in the toilet. No judging.”
- 'What To Expect When You Are Expecting'.