“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” – Jerry Seinfeld
“I’ve got seven kids, the three words you hear most around my house are: “Hello, goodbye, and I’m pregnant”.
- Dean Martin.
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours”
- Conan O’Brien.
"When your “mom voice” is so loud even the neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed." - Unknown
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
“Having a baby dragged me, kicking and screaming, from the world of self-absorption.”
- Paul Reiser.
“My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett
“The thing about parenting rules is there aren’t any. That’s what makes it so difficult.”
- Ewan McGregor.
“Your typical six-year-old is a paradoxical little person.”
- Louise Bates Ames.
“Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.”
- Nia Vardalos.
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck
“Ugh it’s so hot!’…gets hit by two drops of pool water ‘splash me again and I’ll donate all your toys.’”
- Salty Mermaid.
“Having children is like living in a frat house — nobody sleeps, everything s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.”
- Ray Romano.
“Parenthood…it’s about guiding the next generation and forgiving the last.”
- Peter Krause.
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.”
- Nate Smith.
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
“It’s like kids can just smell when you start relaxing.” - Anonymous
"Some children threaten to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going." – Phyllis Diller
“All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“Can he have this?” With first baby: “Is it organic and homemade?” After second baby: “He can have anything except narcotics and alcohol.” - Unknown
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
- Erma Bombeck
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield
"Parents are the bones on which children cut their teeth." – Peter Ustinov
“The easiest way to teach children the value of money is to borrow some from them." — Anonymous
“In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in television.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.” – @ramblinma
“Parenting is a cult. And as a cult member, you can try to explain it to other people, but we just appear like lunatics.” – Jim Gaffigan
“I think being a good father is keeping the mother happy so she doesn’t drive the kids crazy.”
- James, ‘Look Who’s Talking.’
"I love when my kids tells me they’re bored. As if the lady standing in front of a full sink of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time." – Unknown
"The first 40 years of parenthood are always the hardest." – Unknown
“Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.”
- Amber Dusick.
“Why don’t kids understand their nap is not for them, but for us?”
- Alyson Hannigan.
“If you like people who do stupid sh#t all the time, become a parent." – Kelly Oxford
“My daughter just lost her first tooth, which is a very sweet moment for a dad. In retrospect, I do regret punching her so hard in the face.”
- Alan Cox.
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”
- Ernest Hemingway.
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
- Carrie Underwood.
“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” – Red Buttons
“Having a child is liking getting a tattoo on your face. You better be committed.”
- 'Eat Pray Love'.
“I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make. So I became a Mom.” – Unknown
“Being a mom means kids banging on the bathroom door like SWAT, asking for a drink, while you’re in the shower. And Dad is in the kitchen.” – @SarcasticMommy4
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson
“You’re making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be." - Anonymous
“Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
“On our 6 a.m. walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it’s in heaven, visiting Daddy’s freedom.” – Ryan Reynolds
"Motherhood – when 90% of your time is spent putting other people’s crap away." — Anonymous
“As a parent you’ve only got one job to do: Keep your daughter off the pole.”
- Chris Rock.
"I don’t know whether they should say “You have a baby” or “The baby has you”." ~ Anonymous
“I thought I’d never be that annoying person, but as soon as Winnie was born, I was showing iPhone snaps to a cab driver.”
- Jimmy Fallon.