“Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.” — Steven Wright
“Money is something you have to make in case you don’t die.” Max Asnas.
"I am having an out-of-money experience." ~ Anonymous
“Money isn’t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children." ~ J. Paul Getty
“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” – Bob Hope
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy beer." ~ Gary Reilly
“Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow." ~ Martin Sheen
“To make a million, start with $900,000.” - Morton Shulman.
"Men are like bank accounts. The more money, the more interest they generate." ~ Mark Twain
“The safest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it in your pocket.” – Kin Hubbard
“It doesn’t matter if you’re black or white… the only color that really matters is green.” – Family Guy
“Money doesn’t solve all problems but it could solve my money problem.” – Anonymous
“Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need most.” —Addison H. Hallock
“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself." ~ Ronald Reagan
“Money is the opposite of the weather. Nobody talks about it, but everybody does something about it.” – Rebecca Johnson
“Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.” -Henny Youngman
“Misers are no fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.” —Tom Snyder
“We live by the Golden Rule. Those who have the gold make the rules." ~Buzzie Bavasi
"I’m so poor I can’t pay attention." ~ Ron Kittle
“Money isn’t the most important thing in life, but it’s reasonably close to oxygen on the “gotta have it” scale." ~Zig Ziglar
“It doesn’t matter how low the dollar will go, I will always bend down and pick it up.” ~ Anonymous
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single.” – Billy Crystal
“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair." ~Sam Ewing
“The trick is to stop thinking of it as ‘your’ money.” – IRS auditor
"Money is like a sixth sense – and you can’t make use of the other five without it." ~ William Somerset Maugham
“People are living longer than ever before, a phenomenon undoubtedly made necessary by the 30-year mortgage." ~Doug Larson
“People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.” ~ Joan Rivers
“If there is anyone to whom I owe money, I’m prepared to forget it if they are.” - Errol Flynn
"If you can count your money, you don’t have a billion dollars." ~ J. Paul Getty
“You fool! You’re 30 cents away from having a quarter!” –Sweet Dick Willie (Robin Harris)Do the Right Thing
“The poor have more children, but the rich have more relatives.” – Unknown
“Money often costs too much." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
“Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." ~ Herman Wouk
"Money doesn’t change you. It reveals who you are when you no longer have to be nice." ~ Tim Ferriss
“They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it.” Joseph Addison.
“From birth to age 18, a girl needs good parents, from 18 to 35 she needs good looks, from 35 to 55 she needs a good personality, and from 55 on she needs cash.” – Sophie Tucker
“I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.” -Jackie Mason“I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.” -Jackie Mason
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
“If you think money doesn’t grow on trees, you ain’t checking every limb.” – Chamillionaire
“I made my money the old-fashioned way. I was very nice to a wealthy relative right before he died” — Malcolm Forbes
"Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to go shopping." ~ Bo Derek
"I put a dollar in one of those changed machines. Nothing changed." ~ George Carlin
“If all the economists were laid end to end, they’d never reach a conclusion." ~George Bernard Shaw
“My formula for success is rise early, work late and strike oil.” JP Getty.
“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning." ~Aristotle Onassis
“Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.” – Jackie Mason
“Undermine the entire economic structure of society by leaving the pay toilet door ajar so the next person can get in free.” - Taylor Meade
“I’m so poor I can’t even pay attention." ~Ron Kittle
“I love money. I love everything about it. I bought some pretty good stuff. Got me a $300 pair of socks. Got a fur sink. An electric dog polisher. A gasoline powered turtleneck sweater. And, of course, I bought some dumb stuff, too.” – Steve Martin
“What’s your favorite childhood memory? Not paying bills.” – Anonymous