"In every good marriage, it pays sometimes to be a little deaf." — Ruth Bader Ginsburg
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx
"Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”—Benjamin Franklin
"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass." — Rodney Dangerfield,
“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.”—Anonymous
“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”—Mae West
“Just found out the wife is writing a book about our honeymoon, called ’50 Shades of Just O.K.’”—Conan O’Brien
“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!” —Bill Maher
“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.”—Richard Pryor
“Many people spend more time in planning the wedding than they do in planning the marriage.” —Zig Ziglar
“In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.” —Helen Rowland
“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” - Molly McGee
“I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”—Cameron Esposito
“Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep.”—Unknown
“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” — Red Skelton
"Don't make love by the garden gate - love is blind, but the neighbours ain't." - Anonymous
“An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”—Agatha Christie.
“When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.”―Helen Rowland
“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” - Henry Youngman
“No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!” - Homer Simpson
“Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.” —Stephen Leacock
"Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park." - Anonymous
“Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” - Jenny Seinfeld
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.” — Cher
"A good marriage is where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal." - Anonymous
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw
"I'm so conflicted when my husband does the laundry. On one hand, he did the laundry. On the other, my clothes can now be sold at Gap Kids." - Molly McNearney
“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” —Anne Bancroft
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.” - Lily Tomlin
“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates
“Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.”—Joyce Brothers
“Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time." —Chris Rock
"I love my husband, but no matter where we are, I make him sleep closest to the door so if anything happens, he gets murdered first." — Jessica Valenti
“The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.” —Rick Reilly
"The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him." — Oscar Wilde
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” —Prince Philip
"After about 15 years I finally figured out that she's always right. So surprisingly we just stopped fighting after that." —Barack Obama
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner
“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.” — Rodney Dangerfield
“When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.”—Richard Lewis
"Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature." —Donatella in Letters to Juliet
“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”—Groucho Marx
“My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.” - Henry Youngman
“In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” - Rita Rudner
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.”—Lily Tomlin
"Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning." — Clint Eastwood,
“Marriage: sometimes soulmates, sometimes cellmates.”—Rory Elder
“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” - Phyllis Diller