“I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too—for being married so many times.” —Elizabeth Taylor
"Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner." — Jerry Seinfeld
“A good friend just told me that the key to a successful marriage was to argue naked! I’m gonna do that from now on, when that rarely happens.”
— LeAnn Rimes
“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller
“Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.” — Isadora Duncan
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" - Jean Illsely Clarke
“Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” - Jenny Seinfeld
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.” - Lily Tomlin
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
“The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.” —Rick Reilly
“She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.”- St Elmo's Fire
“Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.”—Elbert Hubbard
"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass." — Rodney Dangerfield,
“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”—Mae West
“No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!” - Homer Simpson
“My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.” - Henry Youngman
"You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” - Rey Woodman
“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”—Ogden Nash
“If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.” — Sam Levenson
“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.”—Janet Periat
"Don't make love by the garden gate - love is blind, but the neighbours ain't." - Anonymous
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” - Kathy Mohnke
“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” - Tim Allen
“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.” —Rod Stewart
“If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman: she will be all ears.” - Sigmund Freud
“I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”—Cameron Esposito
“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”—Jean Illsley Clarke
“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” - Henry Youngman
“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” - Molly McGee
“Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.” - Joseph Barth
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell
“Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” — Rita Rudner
“Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own.”—Eddie Cantor
“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” - Natasha Leggero
“One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes, I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’”—Michelle Obama
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” —Prince Philip
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner
“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge
"After about 15 years I finally figured out that she's always right. So surprisingly we just stopped fighting after that." —Barack Obama
“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” - Phyllis Diller
“When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.”―Helen Rowland
"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass." - Mac MacGuff in Juno
“My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.”—Dr. Joyce Brothers
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
"My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate." — Jim Gaffigan
"Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature." —Donatella in Letters to Juliet
“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”—Groucho Marx
"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh
“Just found out the wife is writing a book about our honeymoon, called ’50 Shades of Just O.K.’”—Conan O’Brien