“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.” — Rodney Dangerfield
"In every good marriage, it pays sometimes to be a little deaf." — Ruth Bader Ginsburg
“My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.” - Henry Youngman
“In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.” —Helen Rowland
"Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh
“What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” - Cindy Garner
“An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”—Agatha Christie.
“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!” —Bill Maher
“Marriage is a difficult project. When seven years have passed and all your body’s cells have been replaced, you’re meant to experience that seven-year itch.”
—Yoko Ono
“In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” - Rita Rudner
"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner
"Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun." —Stephanie Ortiz
“Marriage: sometimes soulmates, sometimes cellmates.”—Rory Elder
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
"The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him." — Oscar Wilde
"Because I always say, if you're married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you're doing really good!" —Michelle Obama
“Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.”—Joyce Brothers
“When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.”―Helen Rowland
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” —Phyllis Diller
“I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”—Cameron Esposito
“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.”—Richard Pryor
“Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.” —Stephen Leacock
“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates
“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” - Henry Youngman
“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” - Tim Allen
“If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman: she will be all ears.” - Sigmund Freud
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx
“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.”- Billy Connolly
“Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.” — Marilyn Monroe
“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.” —Rod Stewart
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” - Kathy Mohnke
“Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep.”—Unknown
“If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love.” - Miles Davis
“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” — Raymond Hull
“Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?”—Janet Periat
“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” —Anne Bancroft
"Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed." — Albert Einstein
"Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park." - Anonymous
"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass." - Mac MacGuff in Juno
“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.” — Cher
“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”—Jean Illsley Clarke
“The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.” —Rick Reilly
"Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature." —Donatella in Letters to Juliet
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.”—Wendy Liebman
“When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.”—Richard Lewis
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” —Henny Youngman
“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” - Phyllis Diller