“Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.” — Ambrose Bierce
“If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.” —Aldo Cammarota
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” - Kathy Mohnke
“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” — Red Skelton
“Many people spend more time in planning the wedding than they do in planning the marriage.” —Zig Ziglar
"Because I always say, if you're married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you're doing really good!" —Michelle Obama
“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”—Benjamin Franklin
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.”—Lily Tomlin
"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
“When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.”—Richard Lewis
“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”—Anonymous
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" - Jean Illsely Clarke
“Marriage: sometimes soulmates, sometimes cellmates.”—Rory Elder
"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass." — Rodney Dangerfield,
"My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate." — Jim Gaffigan
“What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” - Cindy Garner
“Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.” —Jay Trachman
"You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” - Rey Woodman
“No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!” - Homer Simpson
“My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.”—Dr. Joyce Brothers
“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!” —Bill Maher
"I love my husband, but no matter where we are, I make him sleep closest to the door so if anything happens, he gets murdered first." — Jessica Valenti
" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." — Henny Youngman
"Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner." — Jerry Seinfeld
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.” - Lily Tomlin
“Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.” — Isadora Duncan
“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” - Tim Allen