“Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure, you do more before five than most folks do all day.”— Sinbad
"Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one." — Mae West
“I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”—Cameron Esposito
“In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” - Rita Rudner
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.”—Wendy Liebman
" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." — Henny Youngman
“Many people spend more time in planning the wedding than they do in planning the marriage.” —Zig Ziglar
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.” - Lily Tomlin
“When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.”—Richard Lewis
"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
“Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.”—Joyce Brothers
“Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.”—Elbert Hubbard
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw
"A good marriage is where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal." - Anonymous
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” —Henny Youngman
"Don't make love by the garden gate - love is blind, but the neighbours ain't." - Anonymous
"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh
“Marriage is a difficult project. When seven years have passed and all your body’s cells have been replaced, you’re meant to experience that seven-year itch.”
—Yoko Ono
“If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman: she will be all ears.” - Sigmund Freud
"Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park." - Anonymous
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx
“Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” - Jenny Seinfeld
“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller
“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”
— Neil Simon
“One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes, I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’”—Michelle Obama
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” - Kathy Mohnke
"I love my husband, but no matter where we are, I make him sleep closest to the door so if anything happens, he gets murdered first." — Jessica Valenti
“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker
“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” - Molly McGee
“An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”—Agatha Christie.
“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” —Anne Bancroft
“I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too—for being married so many times.” —Elizabeth Taylor
“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!” —Bill Maher
"Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature." —Donatella in Letters to Juliet
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” - Phyllis Diller
"In every good marriage, it pays sometimes to be a little deaf." — Ruth Bader Ginsburg
“Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?”—Janet Periat
“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” - Natasha Leggero
“Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now I have six children and no theories.”—John Wilmot
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”—Benjamin Franklin
“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.” —Rod Stewart
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” —Prince Philip
"Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them." - Anonymous
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.”—Lily Tomlin
"A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short." — Andre Maurois
"For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end." — Catherine Zeta-Jones
“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”—Anonymous
“Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” —H. Jackson Brown, Jr
“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.”- Billy Connolly