"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" - Jean Illsely Clarke
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner
“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” — Red Skelton
“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”—Jean Illsley Clarke
“An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”—Agatha Christie.
“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.”—Ogden Nash.
"Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature." —Donatella in Letters to Juliet
“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates
“We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better and she couldn’t have done worse.” —Henry Youngman
“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” —Anne Bancroft
“Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?”—Janet Periat
“One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes, I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’”—Michelle Obama
“If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love.” - Miles Davis
“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” — Raymond Hull
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” —Henny Youngman
“Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.” —Stephen Leacock
"Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun." —Stephanie Ortiz
“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” - Henry Youngman
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.” — Cher
"Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed." — Albert Einstein
“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” - Natasha Leggero
"Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one." — Mae West
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” —Phyllis Diller
“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” - Molly McGee
"You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” - Rey Woodman
“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”—Kristen Bell
“Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.”—Joyce Brothers
“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.”—Richard Pryor
“What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” - Cindy Garner
“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.”- Billy Connolly
“Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now I have six children and no theories.”—John Wilmot
“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!” —Bill Maher
“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.” —Rod Stewart
"For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end." — Catherine Zeta-Jones
“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.”—Anonymous
“My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.” - Henry Youngman
“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller
“If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.” —Aldo Cammarota
“Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.”—Mickey Rooney
"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
“Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” —H. Jackson Brown, Jr
“A good friend just told me that the key to a successful marriage was to argue naked! I’m gonna do that from now on, when that rarely happens.”
— LeAnn Rimes
"My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate." — Jim Gaffigan
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
“If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.” — Sam Levenson
"A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short." — Andre Maurois
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx
“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” - Tim Allen
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” - Kathy Mohnke