“She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.”- St Elmo's Fire
“They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake.” — Alexander Pope
“When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.”―Helen Rowland
“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.”—Janet Periat
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
"Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park." - Anonymous
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
“Marriage: sometimes soulmates, sometimes cellmates.”—Rory Elder
“Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.” —Jay Trachman
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” - Kathy Mohnke
“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”—Groucho Marx
“When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.”—Richard Lewis
“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” - Phyllis Diller
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx
"I love my husband, but no matter where we are, I make him sleep closest to the door so if anything happens, he gets murdered first." — Jessica Valenti
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.”—Kathy Mohnke
“If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman: she will be all ears.” - Sigmund Freud
"After about 15 years I finally figured out that she's always right. So surprisingly we just stopped fighting after that." —Barack Obama
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” —Henny Youngman
“One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes, I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’”—Michelle Obama
"A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short." — Andre Maurois
“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!” —Bill Maher
“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller
“Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure, you do more before five than most folks do all day.”— Sinbad
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.”—Wendy Liebman
"Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed." — Albert Einstein
“In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.” —Helen Rowland
"In every good marriage, it pays sometimes to be a little deaf." — Ruth Bader Ginsburg
"For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end." — Catherine Zeta-Jones
“Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time." —Chris Rock
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” —Prince Philip
“Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now I have six children and no theories.”—John Wilmot
“Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.” - Joseph Barth
“If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.” — Sam Levenson
“Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep.”—Unknown
"You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” - Rey Woodman
“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” - Molly McGee
"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh
"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass." — Rodney Dangerfield,
“In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” - Rita Rudner
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” —Phyllis Diller
"Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature." —Donatella in Letters to Juliet
“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”
— Neil Simon
“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.”—Richard Pryor
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.”—Katherine Hepburn
“Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.”—Joyce Brothers
“If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.” —Aldo Cammarota
"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.” — Cher