“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller
" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." — Henny Youngman
“Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.”—Elbert Hubbard
“Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” - Jenny Seinfeld
“Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.” —Jean Kerr
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”—Benjamin Franklin
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" - Jean Illsely Clarke
“Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.” — Marilyn Monroe
“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” - Henry Youngman
“Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.” - Joseph Barth
“Marriage: sometimes soulmates, sometimes cellmates.”—Rory Elder
“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”—Jean Illsley Clarke
“Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?”—Janet Periat
“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.” — Rodney Dangerfield
“When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.”―Helen Rowland
"Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature." —Donatella in Letters to Juliet
“An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”—Agatha Christie.
“My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.” - Henry Youngman
"Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun." —Stephanie Ortiz
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” —Prince Philip
“Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.”—Mickey Rooney
“I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”—Cameron Esposito
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.” - Lily Tomlin
“No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!” - Homer Simpson
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.”—Anonymous
"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh
"For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end." — Catherine Zeta-Jones
“She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.”- St Elmo's Fire
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” —Henny Youngman
"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass." - Mac MacGuff in Juno
“If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman: she will be all ears.” - Sigmund Freud
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw
“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!” —Bill Maher
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
"Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
“Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.” —Stephen Leacock
“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.”—Janet Periat
"A good marriage is where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal." - Anonymous
“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”—Groucho Marx
“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”—Anonymous
“Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.” — Ambrose Bierce
“If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.” — Sam Levenson
"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
“What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” - Cindy Garner
"Because I always say, if you're married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you're doing really good!" —Michelle Obama
"A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short." — Andre Maurois
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner
“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”—Kristen Bell
“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”
— Neil Simon