“Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.” —Stephen Leacock
“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”—Ogden Nash
“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.” — Rodney Dangerfield
“They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake.” — Alexander Pope
“In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.” —Helen Rowland
“Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep.”—Unknown
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.”—Wendy Liebman
"Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.” - Lily Tomlin
“If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love.” - Miles Davis
“She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.”- St Elmo's Fire
“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” — Red Skelton
"Because I always say, if you're married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you're doing really good!" —Michelle Obama
“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”—Jean Illsley Clarke
“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge
“My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.” - Henry Youngman
“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller
“Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.” —Jay Trachman
"I love my husband, but no matter where we are, I make him sleep closest to the door so if anything happens, he gets murdered first." — Jessica Valenti
“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker
"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass." — Rodney Dangerfield,
“When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.”—Richard Lewis
“Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.” — Isadora Duncan
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” —Phyllis Diller
“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.”—Richard Pryor
“Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.” — Ambrose Bierce
“Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own.”—Eddie Cantor
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
“We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better and she couldn’t have done worse.” —Henry Youngman
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” —Prince Philip
"I'm so conflicted when my husband does the laundry. On one hand, he did the laundry. On the other, my clothes can now be sold at Gap Kids." - Molly McNearney
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
“Marriage is a difficult project. When seven years have passed and all your body’s cells have been replaced, you’re meant to experience that seven-year itch.”
—Yoko Ono
“If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.” —Aldo Cammarota
" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." — Henny Youngman
"In every good marriage, it pays sometimes to be a little deaf." — Ruth Bader Ginsburg
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” - Kathy Mohnke
“Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” — Rita Rudner
“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.” —Rod Stewart
"My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate." — Jim Gaffigan
“Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure, you do more before five than most folks do all day.”— Sinbad
“No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!” - Homer Simpson
“Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now I have six children and no theories.”—John Wilmot
“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.”—Anonymous
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
“I married beneath me, all women do.”
—Nancy Astor
“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.”—Ogden Nash.
“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” - Phyllis Diller
“Marriage: sometimes soulmates, sometimes cellmates.”—Rory Elder