“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker
“In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” - Rita Rudner
“If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.” — Sam Levenson
“What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” - Cindy Garner
"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass." — Rodney Dangerfield,
"A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short." — Andre Maurois
“Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” —H. Jackson Brown, Jr
"A good marriage is where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal." - Anonymous
“If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman: she will be all ears.” - Sigmund Freud
“One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes, I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’”—Michelle Obama
"Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner." — Jerry Seinfeld
“An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”—Agatha Christie.
“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” - Natasha Leggero
“Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.”—Joyce Brothers
“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass." - Mac MacGuff in Juno
“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” - Molly McGee
“My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.” - Henry Youngman
“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.”- Billy Connolly
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" - Jean Illsely Clarke
“We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better and she couldn’t have done worse.” —Henry Youngman
"For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end." — Catherine Zeta-Jones
“If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love.” - Miles Davis
“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” — Raymond Hull
“Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.”—Mickey Rooney
“Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.” —Jay Trachman
"The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him." — Oscar Wilde
“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.”—Richard Pryor
“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”—Mae West
“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” - Henry Youngman
“Marriage is a difficult project. When seven years have passed and all your body’s cells have been replaced, you’re meant to experience that seven-year itch.”
—Yoko Ono
“Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.” —Jean Kerr
"Don't make love by the garden gate - love is blind, but the neighbours ain't." - Anonymous
“I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”—Cameron Esposito
“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.”—Anonymous
"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh
“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” —Anne Bancroft
“She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.”- St Elmo's Fire
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.”—Katherine Hepburn
“Many people spend more time in planning the wedding than they do in planning the marriage.” —Zig Ziglar
"Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun." —Stephanie Ortiz
"Because I always say, if you're married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you're doing really good!" —Michelle Obama
“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”
— Neil Simon
“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge
" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." — Henny Youngman
“Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” — Rita Rudner
“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” - Tim Allen
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx
"Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed." — Albert Einstein