“Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now I have six children and no theories.”—John Wilmot
“If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love.” - Miles Davis
“Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.” — Ambrose Bierce
"You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” - Rey Woodman
"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass." - Mac MacGuff in Juno
“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.”—Janet Periat
“In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” - Rita Rudner
“Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” —H. Jackson Brown, Jr
“Many people spend more time in planning the wedding than they do in planning the marriage.” —Zig Ziglar
“Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?”—Janet Periat
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.”—Wendy Liebman
"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass." — Rodney Dangerfield,
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" - Jean Illsely Clarke
"After about 15 years I finally figured out that she's always right. So surprisingly we just stopped fighting after that." —Barack Obama
“What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” - Cindy Garner
"For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end." — Catherine Zeta-Jones
“I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too—for being married so many times.” —Elizabeth Taylor
“An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”—Agatha Christie.
“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”
— Neil Simon
“One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes, I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’”—Michelle Obama
“I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”—Cameron Esposito
“They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake.” — Alexander Pope
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” —Phyllis Diller
"Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park." - Anonymous
“Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.”—Joyce Brothers
“She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.”- St Elmo's Fire
“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell
“Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.” — Isadora Duncan
"Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner." — Jerry Seinfeld
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” —Prince Philip
" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." — Henny Youngman
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.”—Kathy Mohnke
“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”—Mae West
“Marriage: sometimes soulmates, sometimes cellmates.”—Rory Elder
"Because I always say, if you're married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you're doing really good!" —Michelle Obama
“My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.”—Dr. Joyce Brothers
“We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better and she couldn’t have done worse.” —Henry Youngman
“Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep.”—Unknown
“No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!” - Homer Simpson
“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.”—Richard Pryor
“Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.” —Jean Kerr
“Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” — Rita Rudner
"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh
“The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.” —Rick Reilly
"Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun." —Stephanie Ortiz
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”—Benjamin Franklin
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
“Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own.”—Eddie Cantor