“Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” — Rita Rudner
“I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too—for being married so many times.” —Elizabeth Taylor
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" - Jean Illsely Clarke
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.” - Lily Tomlin
“Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.” —Jay Trachman
“If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.” — Sam Levenson
“We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better and she couldn’t have done worse.” —Henry Youngman
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner
“No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!” - Homer Simpson
"Because I always say, if you're married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you're doing really good!" —Michelle Obama
“Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?”—Janet Periat
“Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.” —Stephen Leacock
“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” — Raymond Hull
“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.”—Richard Pryor
“Just found out the wife is writing a book about our honeymoon, called ’50 Shades of Just O.K.’”—Conan O’Brien
"Don't make love by the garden gate - love is blind, but the neighbours ain't." - Anonymous
"Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner." — Jerry Seinfeld
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx
“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” - Henry Youngman
“I married beneath me, all women do.”
—Nancy Astor
“In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.” —Helen Rowland
“Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.”—Mickey Rooney
“Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time." —Chris Rock
“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.”—Anonymous
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.”—Katherine Hepburn
“Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep.”—Unknown
"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous