“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell
“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”
— Neil Simon
“If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love.” - Miles Davis
“Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.”—Joyce Brothers
"You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” - Rey Woodman
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.”—Kathy Mohnke
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”—Benjamin Franklin
“One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes, I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’”—Michelle Obama
“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.”—Richard Pryor
“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” - Tim Allen
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx
“Marriage is a difficult project. When seven years have passed and all your body’s cells have been replaced, you’re meant to experience that seven-year itch.”
—Yoko Ono
"In every good marriage, it pays sometimes to be a little deaf." — Ruth Bader Ginsburg
“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.”- Billy Connolly
“If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman: she will be all ears.” - Sigmund Freud
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” - Phyllis Diller
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” —Phyllis Diller
“Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.” —Jean Kerr
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw
"Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature." —Donatella in Letters to Juliet
“Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.”—Elbert Hubbard
"Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner." — Jerry Seinfeld
“Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own.”—Eddie Cantor
“The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.” —Rick Reilly
“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge
“Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” - Jenny Seinfeld