“In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.” —Helen Rowland
“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” — Raymond Hull
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.” - Lily Tomlin
“I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too—for being married so many times.” —Elizabeth Taylor
“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.” — Cher
“An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”—Agatha Christie.
“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” - Henry Youngman
"A good marriage is where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal." - Anonymous
“I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”—Cameron Esposito
“Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.” —Jay Trachman
“They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake.” — Alexander Pope
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” —Phyllis Diller
“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.” — Rodney Dangerfield
“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller
"After about 15 years I finally figured out that she's always right. So surprisingly we just stopped fighting after that." —Barack Obama
"Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner." — Jerry Seinfeld
"I love my husband, but no matter where we are, I make him sleep closest to the door so if anything happens, he gets murdered first." — Jessica Valenti
"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.”—Anonymous
“Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” —H. Jackson Brown, Jr
“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”—Groucho Marx
“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.”—Janet Periat
“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” - Natasha Leggero
“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”—Ogden Nash
"I'm so conflicted when my husband does the laundry. On one hand, he did the laundry. On the other, my clothes can now be sold at Gap Kids." - Molly McNearney
“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”—Mae West
“Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.”—Joyce Brothers
“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” - Phyllis Diller