“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” - Tim Allen
“What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” - Cindy Garner
“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge
“Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.” —Jay Trachman
“If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.” — Sam Levenson
“If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love.” - Miles Davis
“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”—Mae West
“The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.” —Rick Reilly
"You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” - Rey Woodman
“Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.” —Stephen Leacock
“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”—Jean Illsley Clarke
“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates
“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.” — Rodney Dangerfield
“When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.”―Helen Rowland
“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” — Raymond Hull
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
"Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed." — Albert Einstein
“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” - Henry Youngman
“Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.” —Jean Kerr
"Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature." —Donatella in Letters to Juliet
"Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner." — Jerry Seinfeld
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner
" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." — Henny Youngman
“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.”—Richard Pryor
“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”—Anonymous
“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.”—Ogden Nash.
“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.”—Anonymous