“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.”—Ogden Nash.
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx
"Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature." —Donatella in Letters to Juliet
"Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed." — Albert Einstein
"Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates
“If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman: she will be all ears.” - Sigmund Freud
“No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!” - Homer Simpson
“Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now I have six children and no theories.”—John Wilmot
“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.”—Anonymous
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” —Prince Philip
"After about 15 years I finally figured out that she's always right. So surprisingly we just stopped fighting after that." —Barack Obama
“Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own.”—Eddie Cantor
“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller
“Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.” — Ambrose Bierce
“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.”—Janet Periat
“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”—Anonymous
“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”—Groucho Marx
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.”—Wendy Liebman
“I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too—for being married so many times.” —Elizabeth Taylor
"Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner." — Jerry Seinfeld
“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”—Ogden Nash
"My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate." — Jim Gaffigan
"The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him." — Oscar Wilde
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
“If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.” —Aldo Cammarota
“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker
"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh