“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” - Molly McGee
“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.” — Rodney Dangerfield
"Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning." — Clint Eastwood,
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell
"After about 15 years I finally figured out that she's always right. So surprisingly we just stopped fighting after that." —Barack Obama
“Marriage is a difficult project. When seven years have passed and all your body’s cells have been replaced, you’re meant to experience that seven-year itch.”
—Yoko Ono
“My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.” - Henry Youngman
“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller
"Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park." - Anonymous
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.” - Lily Tomlin
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
“Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now I have six children and no theories.”—John Wilmot
“The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.” —Rick Reilly
“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” — Red Skelton
“In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” - Rita Rudner
"My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate." — Jim Gaffigan
“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker
“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” - Phyllis Diller
"I'm so conflicted when my husband does the laundry. On one hand, he did the laundry. On the other, my clothes can now be sold at Gap Kids." - Molly McNearney
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” —Prince Philip
“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”—Ogden Nash
“Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep.”—Unknown
"Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun." —Stephanie Ortiz
“What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” - Cindy Garner
“Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.”—Elbert Hubbard
“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.”—Anonymous
“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” —Anne Bancroft
“Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?”—Janet Periat
“We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better and she couldn’t have done worse.” —Henry Youngman
"Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them." - Anonymous
“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge
“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” - Natasha Leggero
“My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.”—Dr. Joyce Brothers
“I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too—for being married so many times.” —Elizabeth Taylor
“Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.” — Marilyn Monroe
“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”
— Neil Simon
“Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” - Jenny Seinfeld
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.”—Lily Tomlin
“Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” —H. Jackson Brown, Jr
“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”—Groucho Marx
“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates
“Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” — Rita Rudner
“A good friend just told me that the key to a successful marriage was to argue naked! I’m gonna do that from now on, when that rarely happens.”
— LeAnn Rimes
“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”—Mae West
"The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him." — Oscar Wilde
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner
"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass." — Rodney Dangerfield,
“Marriage: sometimes soulmates, sometimes cellmates.”—Rory Elder
“I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”—Cameron Esposito
“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” - Henry Youngman