"Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning." — Clint Eastwood,
“Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.”—Joyce Brothers
“A good friend just told me that the key to a successful marriage was to argue naked! I’m gonna do that from now on, when that rarely happens.”
— LeAnn Rimes
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
“What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” - Cindy Garner
"I'm so conflicted when my husband does the laundry. On one hand, he did the laundry. On the other, my clothes can now be sold at Gap Kids." - Molly McNearney
“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” - Molly McGee
"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass." — Rodney Dangerfield,
“If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.” — Sam Levenson
“If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love.” - Miles Davis
“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”—Mae West
“When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.”―Helen Rowland
“Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” —H. Jackson Brown, Jr
“Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.” —Stephen Leacock
“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.” — Rodney Dangerfield
“One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes, I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’”—Michelle Obama
“An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”—Agatha Christie.
"I love my husband, but no matter where we are, I make him sleep closest to the door so if anything happens, he gets murdered first." — Jessica Valenti
"For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end." — Catherine Zeta-Jones
"Don't make love by the garden gate - love is blind, but the neighbours ain't." - Anonymous
“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” — Red Skelton
“Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.”—Elbert Hubbard
“My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.”—Dr. Joyce Brothers
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.”—Lily Tomlin
“Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure, you do more before five than most folks do all day.”— Sinbad
“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”—Jean Illsley Clarke
"Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them." - Anonymous
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.” - Lily Tomlin
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell
"Because I always say, if you're married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you're doing really good!" —Michelle Obama
“Marriage: sometimes soulmates, sometimes cellmates.”—Rory Elder
“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”
— Neil Simon
“In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” - Rita Rudner
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge
“The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.” —Rick Reilly
“Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.” —Jean Kerr
“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” - Phyllis Diller
“Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.”—Mickey Rooney
"You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” - Rey Woodman
"In every good marriage, it pays sometimes to be a little deaf." — Ruth Bader Ginsburg
“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.”- Billy Connolly
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” - Kathy Mohnke
“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” - Henry Youngman
"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
“Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?”—Janet Periat
“We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better and she couldn’t have done worse.” —Henry Youngman
“Marriage is a difficult project. When seven years have passed and all your body’s cells have been replaced, you’re meant to experience that seven-year itch.”
—Yoko Ono
“Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.” — Isadora Duncan
“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.”—Richard Pryor