“In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” - Rita Rudner
“I married beneath me, all women do.”
—Nancy Astor
“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates
“Many people spend more time in planning the wedding than they do in planning the marriage.” —Zig Ziglar
“Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.” - Joseph Barth
“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”—Kristen Bell
“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” - Tim Allen
“A good friend just told me that the key to a successful marriage was to argue naked! I’m gonna do that from now on, when that rarely happens.”
— LeAnn Rimes
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” —Phyllis Diller
"For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end." — Catherine Zeta-Jones
“Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?”—Janet Periat
"Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
“Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.” —Jean Kerr
“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.”—Anonymous
“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.”—Janet Periat
“Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.”—Joyce Brothers
“When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.”—Richard Lewis
"Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one." — Mae West
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell
"Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun." —Stephanie Ortiz
“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” - Henry Youngman
“My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.” - Henry Youngman
“Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” —H. Jackson Brown, Jr
“Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time." —Chris Rock
“Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now I have six children and no theories.”—John Wilmot
"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.” — Cher
"You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” - Rey Woodman
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
“I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”—Cameron Esposito
“Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep.”—Unknown
“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”—Groucho Marx
"My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate." — Jim Gaffigan
“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker
“The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.” —Rick Reilly
“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.” — Rodney Dangerfield
“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.”- Billy Connolly
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
"A good marriage is where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal." - Anonymous
"Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature." —Donatella in Letters to Juliet
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.” - Lily Tomlin
“If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.” — Sam Levenson
“She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.”- St Elmo's Fire
"Because I always say, if you're married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you're doing really good!" —Michelle Obama
“They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake.” — Alexander Pope
“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”—Ogden Nash
“If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.” —Aldo Cammarota
“Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.” — Ambrose Bierce
“If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love.” - Miles Davis
"Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning." — Clint Eastwood,