“What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” - Cindy Garner
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.”—Kathy Mohnke
“Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.”—Elbert Hubbard
"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh
"A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short." — Andre Maurois
“I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”—Cameron Esposito
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”—Benjamin Franklin
“Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.” - Joseph Barth
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.”—Lily Tomlin
"The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him." — Oscar Wilde
“I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too—for being married so many times.” —Elizabeth Taylor
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” —Henny Youngman
“Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure, you do more before five than most folks do all day.”— Sinbad
“Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own.”—Eddie Cantor
"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass." — Rodney Dangerfield,
"Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one." — Mae West
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” —Prince Philip
“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” - Henry Youngman
“A good friend just told me that the key to a successful marriage was to argue naked! I’m gonna do that from now on, when that rarely happens.”
— LeAnn Rimes
“When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.”—Richard Lewis
"Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them." - Anonymous
“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge
“If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.” —Aldo Cammarota
“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”—Groucho Marx
"Because I always say, if you're married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you're doing really good!" —Michelle Obama
" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." — Henny Youngman
“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” —Anne Bancroft
“She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.”- St Elmo's Fire
"I love my husband, but no matter where we are, I make him sleep closest to the door so if anything happens, he gets murdered first." — Jessica Valenti
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
“Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?”—Janet Periat
“No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!” - Homer Simpson
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner
“If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman: she will be all ears.” - Sigmund Freud
"Don't make love by the garden gate - love is blind, but the neighbours ain't." - Anonymous
“If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love.” - Miles Davis
“Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.” —Jean Kerr
"For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end." — Catherine Zeta-Jones
“My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.” - Henry Youngman
“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” - Natasha Leggero
“Many people spend more time in planning the wedding than they do in planning the marriage.” —Zig Ziglar
“My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.”—Dr. Joyce Brothers
"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” — Red Skelton
"My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate." — Jim Gaffigan
“They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake.” — Alexander Pope
“Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.” — Isadora Duncan
“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.” —Rod Stewart