“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.”—Anonymous
“I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”—Cameron Esposito
“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”—Groucho Marx
"Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
“Just found out the wife is writing a book about our honeymoon, called ’50 Shades of Just O.K.’”—Conan O’Brien
“When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.”―Helen Rowland
“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.” — Cher
"You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” - Rey Woodman
“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” — Raymond Hull
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.”—Kathy Mohnke
“If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.” — Sam Levenson
“Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.” —Stephen Leacock
“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” - Henry Youngman
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
“The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.” —Rick Reilly
“If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love.” - Miles Davis
“Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.”—Elbert Hubbard
"Because I always say, if you're married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you're doing really good!" —Michelle Obama
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell
“In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.” —Helen Rowland
"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh
“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”—Kristen Bell
“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” — Red Skelton
“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”
— Neil Simon
“What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” - Cindy Garner
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.”—Ogden Nash.
"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass." - Mac MacGuff in Juno
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” —Henny Youngman
“Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” - Jenny Seinfeld
"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
“Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now I have six children and no theories.”—John Wilmot
"Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature." —Donatella in Letters to Juliet
“Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time." —Chris Rock
“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.”—Janet Periat
“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker
"In every good marriage, it pays sometimes to be a little deaf." — Ruth Bader Ginsburg
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.” - Lily Tomlin
“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge
"I'm so conflicted when my husband does the laundry. On one hand, he did the laundry. On the other, my clothes can now be sold at Gap Kids." - Molly McNearney
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" - Jean Illsely Clarke
"Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed." — Albert Einstein
“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”—Anonymous
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” —Prince Philip
“Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.”—Mickey Rooney
“Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.” —Jay Trachman
“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” - Molly McGee
“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” —Anne Bancroft
“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” - Natasha Leggero