"Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun." —Stephanie Ortiz
"Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature." —Donatella in Letters to Juliet
“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.” — Cher
“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”—Ogden Nash
“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” - Natasha Leggero
“Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now I have six children and no theories.”—John Wilmot
“I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too—for being married so many times.” —Elizabeth Taylor
“Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time." —Chris Rock
“Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.” — Ambrose Bierce
“Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” - Jenny Seinfeld
“If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.” —Aldo Cammarota
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner
"Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them." - Anonymous
“Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.” —Jean Kerr
“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates
“In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.” —Helen Rowland
"In every good marriage, it pays sometimes to be a little deaf." — Ruth Bader Ginsburg
“Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own.”—Eddie Cantor
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” - Kathy Mohnke
“What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” - Cindy Garner
"A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short." — Andre Maurois
"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass." - Mac MacGuff in Juno
"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
"Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one." — Mae West
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
“If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.” — Sam Levenson
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw
" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." — Henny Youngman
"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass." — Rodney Dangerfield,
"Don't make love by the garden gate - love is blind, but the neighbours ain't." - Anonymous
"My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate." — Jim Gaffigan
“Marriage: sometimes soulmates, sometimes cellmates.”—Rory Elder
“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” — Red Skelton
"For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end." — Catherine Zeta-Jones
“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”—Groucho Marx
“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”—Mae West
“Just found out the wife is writing a book about our honeymoon, called ’50 Shades of Just O.K.’”—Conan O’Brien
“Many people spend more time in planning the wedding than they do in planning the marriage.” —Zig Ziglar
"Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning." — Clint Eastwood,
"After about 15 years I finally figured out that she's always right. So surprisingly we just stopped fighting after that." —Barack Obama
“In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” - Rita Rudner
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” —Henny Youngman
“They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake.” — Alexander Pope
“No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!” - Homer Simpson
“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”—Kristen Bell
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
"Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner." — Jerry Seinfeld
“Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.” — Isadora Duncan
"The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him." — Oscar Wilde
“Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.” —Stephen Leacock