“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”—Ogden Nash
“Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” —H. Jackson Brown, Jr
"The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him." — Oscar Wilde
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
“Just found out the wife is writing a book about our honeymoon, called ’50 Shades of Just O.K.’”—Conan O’Brien
"Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature." —Donatella in Letters to Juliet
"Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed." — Albert Einstein
"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass." - Mac MacGuff in Juno
"I love my husband, but no matter where we are, I make him sleep closest to the door so if anything happens, he gets murdered first." — Jessica Valenti
“Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.”—Elbert Hubbard
“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.”—Richard Pryor
“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”—Mae West
“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” - Henry Youngman
“Marriage is a difficult project. When seven years have passed and all your body’s cells have been replaced, you’re meant to experience that seven-year itch.”
—Yoko Ono
“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” - Tim Allen
“I married beneath me, all women do.”
—Nancy Astor
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
“Many people spend more time in planning the wedding than they do in planning the marriage.” —Zig Ziglar
"In every good marriage, it pays sometimes to be a little deaf." — Ruth Bader Ginsburg
“Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” - Jenny Seinfeld
“Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.” —Jay Trachman
“An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”—Agatha Christie.
“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.” — Rodney Dangerfield
“They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake.” — Alexander Pope
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” —Henny Youngman
“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!” —Bill Maher
"I'm so conflicted when my husband does the laundry. On one hand, he did the laundry. On the other, my clothes can now be sold at Gap Kids." - Molly McNearney
“Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own.”—Eddie Cantor
“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” - Natasha Leggero
"A good marriage is where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal." - Anonymous
“When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.”―Helen Rowland
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.”—Kathy Mohnke
“One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes, I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’”—Michelle Obama
“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.” — Cher
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.”—Katherine Hepburn
“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” - Phyllis Diller
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" - Jean Illsely Clarke
"Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
"My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate." — Jim Gaffigan
“If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.” — Sam Levenson
“Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.”—Mickey Rooney
"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”—Kristen Bell
“No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!” - Homer Simpson
"You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” - Rey Woodman
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”—Benjamin Franklin
"After about 15 years I finally figured out that she's always right. So surprisingly we just stopped fighting after that." —Barack Obama
“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker