“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates
“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”—Ogden Nash
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell
“When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.”―Helen Rowland
“Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” — Rita Rudner
“Marriage is a difficult project. When seven years have passed and all your body’s cells have been replaced, you’re meant to experience that seven-year itch.”
—Yoko Ono
“Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.”—Joyce Brothers
“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”—Kristen Bell
"Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning." — Clint Eastwood,
"Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
"Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one." — Mae West
“Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.” — Isadora Duncan
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx
“Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own.”—Eddie Cantor
"I love my husband, but no matter where we are, I make him sleep closest to the door so if anything happens, he gets murdered first." — Jessica Valenti
“Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.” —Jay Trachman
“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”—Mae West
“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”
— Neil Simon
“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.”—Ogden Nash.
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw
"In every good marriage, it pays sometimes to be a little deaf." — Ruth Bader Ginsburg
" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." — Henny Youngman
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.”—Katherine Hepburn
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
"Don't make love by the garden gate - love is blind, but the neighbours ain't." - Anonymous
“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” - Molly McGee
"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass." - Mac MacGuff in Juno
“Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.” —Stephen Leacock
“Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.”—Mickey Rooney
“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!” —Bill Maher
“I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too—for being married so many times.” —Elizabeth Taylor
“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” - Phyllis Diller
“No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!” - Homer Simpson
"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh
“I married beneath me, all women do.”
—Nancy Astor
"You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” - Rey Woodman
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.”—Wendy Liebman
“An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”—Agatha Christie.
“Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now I have six children and no theories.”—John Wilmot
“Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” —H. Jackson Brown, Jr
“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” - Tim Allen
“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge
“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”—Anonymous
“One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes, I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’”—Michelle Obama
“If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love.” - Miles Davis
“Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.”—Elbert Hubbard
"Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun." —Stephanie Ortiz
“Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?”—Janet Periat
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” —Henny Youngman
"Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park." - Anonymous