"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
"What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."
- Cindy Garner.
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
"Between lovers, a little confession is a dangerous thing." — Helen Rowland
“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”
"If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools."
- Katherine Mansfield
"Women love a self-confident bald man."
- Larry David.
"Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing."
- Natasha Leggero
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." — Francois de la Rochefoucauld
"If you text 'I love you' to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don't love you back."
- Chelsea Peretti
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
"I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mum stay married for 33 years?’ And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.'"
- Gwyneth Paltrow
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
"They say true love hides in every corner. I must be walking in circles." - Unknown
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen
“I was like, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' And I realized... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” — Margaret Cho
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
"It wasn't love at first sight. It took a full five minutes." Lucille Ball
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" Jean Illsley Clarke
"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
"When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own." — Lenore Coffee
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." Garry Shandling
"Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses."
- Thomas Dewar
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
"Oh, here's an idea: Let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all." - Jimmy Fallon
"You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories." — Melanie Clark
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
"I love you more than coffee but not always before coffee." - Unknown
I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?" — Jack Handy
"If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire."
- George Carlin
"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."
- Mae West
"Love is a two-way street constantly under construction."
- Carroll Bryant.
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” - Jerry Seinfeld
"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield
"The bravest thing that men do is love women." — Mort Sahl
"I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels
"If love is the answer, could you please re-phrase the question?"
- Lily Tomlin
"Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one." — Benjamin Franklin
“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.” - Phyllis Diller
"Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it." — Phyllis Schlafly
"Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand." - Unknown
"Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X rays, but you know it's there." George Burns
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
- Joan Crawford