"Love thy neighbor, just watch out for thy husband." - Unknown
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
- Richard Jeni
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." — Francois de la Rochefoucauld
"Love thy neighbor—and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier." - Mae West
"True love is singing karaoke 'Under Pressure' and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part." Mindy Kaling
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
"If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools."
- Katherine Mansfield
"If love is the answer, could you please re-phrase the question?"
- Lily Tomlin
"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal
"Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing."
- Natasha Leggero
“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
“I was like, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' And I realized... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” — Margaret Cho
"Between lovers, a little confession is a dangerous thing." — Helen Rowland
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan."
- Leopold Fechner.
"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." Garry Shandling
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
"They say true love hides in every corner. I must be walking in circles." - Unknown
"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."
- Ralphie May
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby."
- Natalie Wood.
"I went home with this French guy ’cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.’" — Amy Schumer
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." — Steve Martin
"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."
- Ray Romano
"Love is a lot like a toothache. It doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there."
- George Burns.
"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips
"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it." - Henny Youngman
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
"When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own." — Lenore Coffee
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope
"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield
"Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore." — Bree Luckey
"A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it." - Unknown
"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."
- Mae West
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone
"The bravest thing that men do is love women." — Mort Sahl
"Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one." — Benjamin Franklin
“I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.” — Mindy Kaling
"Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome."
- Oscar Levant
"The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." — Samuel Taylor Coleridge
"Love is a two-way street constantly under construction."
- Carroll Bryant.
"A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that doesn’t mean she can’t have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones." — Cher
“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”
"Women love a self-confident bald man."
- Larry David.
"I can't make you love me, but I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75." — Rob Delaney
"I love you in a way that's nauseating to others."
- Unknown
"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
"There is nothing better for the spirit or the body than a love affair. It elevates the thoughts and flattens the stomach." — Barbara Hower