"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."
- Ray Romano
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."
- Professor Irwin Corey
"They say true love hides in every corner. I must be walking in circles." - Unknown
"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
"If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards." — J.A. Redmerski
"True love is singing karaoke 'Under Pressure' and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part." Mindy Kaling
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
- Joan Crawford
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan."
- Leopold Fechner.
"What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."
- Cindy Garner.
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” - Jerry Seinfeld
"Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore." — Bree Luckey
"It wasn't love at first sight. It took a full five minutes." Lucille Ball
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." — Francois de la Rochefoucauld
"Between men and women, there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."
- Oscar Wilde
"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan." — Leopold Fetchner
"Between lovers, a little confession is a dangerous thing." — Helen Rowland
"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." Garry Shandling
"Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one." — Benjamin Franklin
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope
“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” - Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'
"A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it." - Unknown
"If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools."
- Katherine Mansfield
"When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."
- Richard Lewis
"Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage."
- Ambrose Bierce
"I went home with this French guy ’cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.’" — Amy Schumer
"I love you in a way that's nauseating to others."
- Unknown
"Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand." - Unknown
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." — Steve Martin
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
"Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X rays, but you know it's there." George Burns
"People should fall in love with their eyes closed."
- Andy Warhol
"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."
- Ralphie May
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
- Richard Jeni
"If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books." — Alan King
"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."
- Amy Schumer
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby — awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess." — Lemony Snicket
"There is nothing better for the spirit or the body than a love affair. It elevates the thoughts and flattens the stomach." — Barbara Hower
"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips
"Women love a self-confident bald man."
- Larry David.
"Oh, here's an idea: Let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all." - Jimmy Fallon