"What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."
- Cindy Garner.
"Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one." – Fran Lebowitz
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan."
- Leopold Fechner.
“I didn’t fall for you, you tripped me!” - Jenny Han, 'To All the Boys I've Loved Before'
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?" — Jack Handy
"You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories." — Melanie Clark
"True love is singing karaoke 'Under Pressure' and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part." Mindy Kaling
“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” - Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'
"When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own." — Lenore Coffee
"I love you with all my belly. I would say my heart, but my belly is bigger." - Unknown
“I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.” — Mindy Kaling
"I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth." — Chico Marx
"It wasn't love at first sight. It took a full five minutes." Lucille Ball
"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." Garry Shandling
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."
- Professor Irwin Corey
"If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire."
- George Carlin
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby."
- Natalie Wood.
I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” - Jerry Seinfeld
"If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards." — J.A. Redmerski
"Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand." - Unknown
"If love is the answer, could you please re-phrase the question?"
- Lily Tomlin
"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan." — Leopold Fetchner
"Between men and women, there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."
- Oscar Wilde
"If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools."
- Katherine Mansfield
"If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books." — Alan King
“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” - Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
- Richard Jeni
"I went out with a guy once who told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, 'I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.'"
- Chelsea Handler
"Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses."
- Thomas Dewar
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
"Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one." — Benjamin Franklin
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard
"I can't make you love me, but I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75." — Rob Delaney
"The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired." — Milton Berle
"I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mum stay married for 33 years?’ And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.'"
- Gwyneth Paltrow
“I was like, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' And I realized... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” — Margaret Cho
"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."
- Ray Romano
"The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." — Samuel Taylor Coleridge
"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." - Chris Rock
"Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore." — Bree Luckey
"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."
- Mae West